Keeping the friendship

[Bryan1108]

Hi. This may be kind of long.

Sorry about that.

I decided last year that I didn't want to date anymore. I realize that trying to lump several million people into a stereotype will never work but, romantically, I have had nothing but negative experiences with women. Eventually, I realized that I was only ever happy when I was on my own.

It hasn't always been easy. Several friends and family members felt that it was their duty to "help" me by setting up several "chance meetings" with different women. For awhile, I couldn't be invited over without finding that some woman just happened to drop by on the same day.

Things got even worse when the women at the office found out and decided that I was a challenge or something.

This was annoying but not really a problem. It wasn't even tempting really.

The problem came when my friend, Koishi became interested. I don't want to date her but we have several social and professional ties and I don't want to offend her.

She knows that I was into her before deciding that I was done with women.

My big hang up is that I have always been sort of a geek. Women have never really been interested in me. It hasn't really been hard until now refusing the women that I get set up with or the office women. I just bluntly tell them that I am not interested. Sadly, they all seem offended. I guess I am not good at hiding the fact that I would rather shoot myself in the foot then have lunch with them.

I don't want to offend Koishi though.

how do you tell someone that you are not even a little interested anymore without losing their friendship?

[fraidycat]

My condolences on the bad experiences with women..I am sorry to hear about that. I would just like to let you know that if you are done with women for good now what you will settle in to is contementment..how do I know? Because I did the same thing with men for 3 years and that's what I got..was being content. I no longer had to deal with the issues of relationships/dating/and attatchments and in exchange for that I got to be "content". Not on fire, Not passionate and wild about someone. Not happy happy joy joy. Just content. Is that what you want? You need to decide that before you tell koishi you are only interested as a friend. Is the only reason you're not interested because you're giving up on dating women? I mean I won't lie I've enjoyed not dealing with messy break ups, fights and arguments, opening up and being vulnerable. I really have it was a good run for awhile but then one day I decided I was done being content and I had just wasted a good 3 years..I'd rather be on fire..how about you?

[Bryan1108]

I am going to have to disagree with your assessment. It has been almost a year and I think that I have been more than just content. Life has been dangerously close to blissful.

However, lets not bicker about that here. I asked for you thoughts and don't want to dispute every thought you share with me. Just seems ungrateful somehow.

The answer to your question is YES. If the life I have been leading this last year is summed up by the word "content", then it is what I want for the rest of my life.

My only problem now is letting my friend know that without hurting her.

To be honest, I don't think that this will cause her any real lasting pain. It seems like most of the women that have shown an interest lately are only interested because I am not. They seem offended that someone like me (a geek) would dare to lose interest in them and they seem to take that as a challenge. This seems so shallow that it actually makes them less attractive to me, to be honest.

While I don't think that this scenario will hurt Koishi, I do believe that it could cause her to get angry and end our friendship, causing me more than a little personal and professional pain.

[AmItheOne]

I would just tell her what you are saying here...you like your life and your relationship with her like it is now. Being honest is the only way to go here as far as I can see.

[Bryan1108]

You could be right. It makes me nervous as every time I have just told them the truth, it offended the woman in question.

I guess I was hoping for some neat trick that would make it easier or something.

Oh well.

Thanks.

[Bryan1108]

Well, I told her and it was indeed a train wreck.

Now she is all weepy and offended over a bloody crush that she never felt before and as far as everyone is concerned, I am the jerk that hurt such a nice girl.

[notmakingsense]

I think you just reinforced what you have known -- there isn't any easy way to let someone down. The best approach is to do things that discourage their attachment in the first place... like not seeing them very often, making sure you never acknowledge their "passes", and keeping conversations to buddy-buddy subjects. After a while, they give up, yet they also notice that you are still there as a friend. You don't need to have explicit conversations about "not being interested", you just need to keep refusing advances in a way that is humorous and not too stand-offish.