i gave her a guilt trip, now she agrees to see me...?

[Mydish1]

I dont know what the hell im doing...we did agree to be friends (w/a little benefits), but i think im just letting this get to my head and i hate to admit im starting to grow feelings for her.

 

I decided to say my goodbye since i 'assumed' it was over since she keeps giving me the busy routine and blew me off with the last date setup. but never told me what it was.

 

After a week of no contact- i just texted her telling her i was sorry things had to turn out the way they did between us and that i did enjoy spending time with her and i missed her. and if there was anything i could do to to fix this stranger-awkwardness between us to let me know...and that i just want her to be happy, and said see her around.

 

shortly she calls back giving me the details of what she's been up to...i felt dumb cuz i was the paranoid one. And she really has been busy and getting ready to move. Well...(backtrack when last we spoke, she said she'd be busy in these 2 weeks).

 

Anyway she said she had time to meet up this week and i chose a day. i feel like such a fool....i feel like the child here, the selfish one. And that she's only meeting up with me cause i made her feel guilty, but not cause she wants to....now im the one with the guilt trip.

 

i dont know...i think the day before ill tell her not to meet up with me cause i want her to get everything done...and its selfish of me to do this to her. even if i do meet up with her...im not even sure how i should treat her, just as an acquantance or the way we were. because it seems she did lose attraction/interest for me.

 

what do you guys think?

[amerikajin]

Quick take...

 

1. In any relationship, define from the start what it is you want - make it clear to yourself and don't ever b.s. yourself when answering this question. If you want friendship, then go after friendship. If you want romance, then go after romance and don't settle for anything less.

 

2. If she made time with you, that's a good thing. I would not be the one to call it off first...swallow your pride and let her make that call. Whatever you decide, it is always better if a guy communicates with his actions rather than his words. If you feel like she's not putting enough into the relationship, don't get mad - just leave her alone and let her come to you. That's the way you should handle it. I've learned this the hard way recently with a girl I was courting. In retrospect I think I kinda messed up the dynamic by pulling the plug a tad early and reading too much into her actions when in fact it would have been better just to hold back and communicate with my actions. Women decide - always. Just remember that and go into a date or relationship knowing that.

[Mydish1]

Quick take...

 

1. In any relationship, define from the start what it is you want - make it clear to yourself and don't ever b.s. yourself when answering this question. If you want friendship, then go after friendship. If you want romance, then go after romance and don't settle for anything less.

Early on we did have 'the talk' but i suppose both of us werent being 100% honest to each other. And i've come to realize any kind of relationship there should always be some form of progression going on that makes it stronger.

 

2. If she made time with you, that's a good thing. I would not be the one to call it off first...swallow your pride and let her make that call. Whatever you decide, it is always better if a guy communicates with his actions rather than his words. If you feel like she's not putting enough into the relationship, don't get mad - just leave her alone and let her come to you. That's the way you should handle it. I've learned this the hard way recently with a girl I was courting. In retrospect I think I kinda messed up the dynamic by pulling the plug a tad early and reading too much into her actions when in fact it would have been better just to hold back and communicate with my actions. Women decide - always. Just remember that and go into a date or relationship knowing that.

 

you're right. After all this, i get her time...and i shouldnt be dumb enough to throw away this opportunity to make right to whats wrong. But it would probably be the best time to talk over what each other truly wants, i suppose it could be the making or breaking point.

 

AFter thiis little ordeal i wish people would just say what they mean, and mean what they say. i think it's the fact that they dont like the idea of appearing weak by declaring their wants/needs....what's the point of a power struggle if the relationship is already over?

 

i think people just need to grow up and learn to be mature.

[amerikajin]

This is going to sound counterintuitive, but actually, I wouldn't have the talk just yet unless it's absolutely necessary.

 

It's natural to want to talk things over and express your feelings, but the strange thing is, it seems like every time I talk about a relationship in the early stages, it just kills the vibe. I don't think you have to talk about the relationship until you guys have actually had some action. You act first, then talk about what your actions mean later. Women are attracted to men who act, as opposed to men who think or talk.

[Mydish1]

This is going to sound counterintuitive, but actually, I wouldn't have the talk just yet unless it's absolutely necessary.

 

It's natural to want to talk things over and express your feelings, but the strange thing is, it seems like every time I talk about a relationship in the early stages, it just kills the vibe. I don't think you have to talk about the relationship until you guys have actually had some action. You act first, then talk about what your actions mean later. Women are attracted to men who act, as opposed to men who think or talk.

 

yea...i think its too soon to jump into the talk. probably would be best to recover from what happened in the meanwhile. I think ill just give her a big hug when i see her and apologize.

 

i dont understand why she just doesnt yell or start an argument...i would feel better at least knowing than having her bottle it up inside her.

[amerikajin]

No, don't hug and apologize. When you said you wanted her to be happy and you'd see her around and did the no contact thing, you actually accomplished something - you let her know that a) you didn't need her that much and b) you're a decent guy. Good combo. Keep it going.

 

Don't call or email except to set up the next date. Keep the conversation light but short until you really start getting a good feel for her.

 

Don't hug her or anything until the end of the date.

 

Don't start talking about where the relationship is going.

 

Just focus on her interests, get to know her better and start doing things that go in that direction, and let her get to know you as well.

[Mydish1]

No, don't hug and apologize. When you said you wanted her to be happy and you'd see her around and did the no contact thing, you actually accomplished something - you let her know that a) you didn't need her that much and b) you're a decent guy. Good combo. Keep it going.

I just reread that part i wrote, and i realize what you're saying (and the actual message in my words). Truth is i DO want to get back with her. and had sent that sms not expecting her to call me back...especially not setting up a date.

 

Don't call or email except to set up the next date. Keep the conversation light but short until you really start getting a good feel for her.

 

Don't hug her or anything until the end of the date.

 

Don't start talking about where the relationship is going.

 

Just focus on her interests, get to know her better and start doing things that go in that direction, and let her get to know you as well.

 

Wait...all of that is counterintuitive to all that i thought i was going to do (except the last part you wrote).

let me give you the background, we were seeing each other about 4 months till this ordeal came about. We were borderline couples basically.

Basically i was expecting to make-up and continue as we were...

But i dont think it will be that easy because it seems as though i lost her trust..

 

Im getting paranoid again, i think im leaving myself vulnerable for her to humiliate me again by blowing me off on this get together.

I think she may still be angry at me for what happened.

 

Angry people come back with a vengeance and strike while the iron's hot (in my case giving her these opportunities, such as the first one blowing me off on that last date setup). and she may think im thinking of taking revenge on her that day.....trust is so important

 

If she doesnt call that day...im going to call...

[amerikajin]

eeek,

 

Okay my mistake. I thought it was like a month or something. Four months is different, but I think I know the deal anyway.

 

She's still playin' you like a yo-yo. I was in a similar situation once.

 

I think if you really want something, you've got to start taking control of the relationship. But you do that by taking action, and you do THAT by starting to let her know in subtle ways that you don't need her. Furthermore, you also show her a good time when you're out on a date. Make her laugh, let the real you come out. If there's no chemistry, then there's no chemistry. Accept it and move on.

[Mydish1]

eeek,

 

Okay my mistake. I thought it was like a month or something. Four months is different, but I think I know the deal anyway.

 

She's still playin' you like a yo-yo. I was in a similar situation once.

 

I think if you really want something, you've got to start taking control of the relationship. But you do that by taking action, and you do THAT by starting to let her know in subtle ways that you don't need her. Furthermore, you also show her a good time when you're out on a date. Make her laugh, let the real you come out. If there's no chemistry, then there's no chemistry. Accept it and move on.

 

im not sure you get it just yet...

here's more background:

what i think screwed us up was that she felt i didnt need her. Because lately i kind of took her for granted and didnt show enough affection. I was being more distant and she was playing the aloof game. Set up a date to blow me off the next day, and said she'd be busy for 2 weeks.

she usually picks up/sms me back on the cell when i do contact her.

 

The message where i said goodbye, that was the last thing i thought i was going to say to her (after 1 week of NC). Before the Goodbye sms i sent, i had called her earlier but she was at a friends place and told her to call me back. So i sent the sms, not expecting her to call back but telling her through the sms what i was going to tell her on the phone before (my apologies and my goodbye and wanting her happiness).

1 hour later she calls back and tells me the details of what she's been up to, and said she was free this week and could meet for awhile. I chose a day and she said she'd call me.

women never call when they say they do, i know for a fact. i think im just going to call...

(i dont know, she might even stand me up on the rendezvous to get the last laugh...)

 

Now then, would it be wrong to hug her and apologize?

[johan]

You just slip out the back, Jack.