lilian Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Hi Guys I'd really appreciate some help and your thoughts. I'm getting married this summer. My boyfriend is a good guy and hasn't given me reason to doubt him or treated me badly ever. There is just one huge problem. He's still friends with one of his ex-girlfriends. In fact, she's friends with all his friends and just belongs to his circle of friends. She's married with a kid and lives far away so we don't see her a lot. The Problem: It seems clear to my boyfriend to invite her and her husband as it seems awkward to him not to invite her as she belongs to the crowd he'll invite anyway. I can see that but it will really destroy my day if she's there. I'll be constantly thinking about their past together and I also know that she'll make herself heard as she's quite loud and boisterous. What should I do? Should I just live with it? Am I being childish?! My boyfriend can see my point but finds it worse not to invite her. I'm just quite jealous of her past with my future husband and don't even want to try and be "grown up" about it! I'm really quite devastated over this :-( :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilian Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 Is it a jealousy problem (therefore my problem) or am I justified in feeling bad about it? what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Candied-Heart Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 My primary reaction. Is no way. It's our day and if there is something or someone there that may hinder my or our happiness, they won't be required to attend. If she wanted to come to the church service, that's her choice as it's open to the public, but I wouldn't officially invite her per se After thinking more.. I guess the fact that she IS friendly with your fiance matters, and can change the outcome. You cannot disregard his wishes completely. Obviously if he's wanting to invite her, there is nothing stronger than that invitation on his behalf to her, to say he is over their past [whether this is an issue or not] and he is proud to be marrying you, in front of everyone. I can see the rudeness factor of not inviting her considering she's quite 'in' with the rest of his friends. It will make it appear that you had an issue that was never really one, and she and her husband would rightfully take offence to being outcast considering everyone in their group that they know of, is invited along to watch you two unite by law. I do understand where you're coming from. You need to explain to him further that it will "destroy" your day if you think it will be this bad. If he still feels he cannot 'not' ask her to go, you could ask him if you could speak to her nicely, try to appeal to her emotional side as a woman, explain that you don't doubt your husbands faithfulness, though it is uncomfortable for you to be sharing such a joyful day with a past love. It just makes everything harder that she's still a friend. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Lilian if the shoe were on the other foot (your ex bf to be invited or not) how would your husband react? You stated she lived far away and you did not see her often. Why invite her then? I think if you really talk to your F about this he will understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryan1108 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Well, to be honest, yes, this is a little childish and it sounds as though you are just jealous. The ex has a husband and your man is marrying you. It is a little immature that having her there would ruin the event for you. On the other hand, this is your day and brides are well known for making unreasonable demands. I don't think that there would be a major problem with you saying that you did not want to have her there. You may want to speak to her yourself if preserving their friendship is of any interest to you at all (which I think would go a long way towards counter-acting the innate immaturity that UI mentioned earlier.) Also, you may want to do some soul searching here. You are about to marry a man when you obviously have insecurities about the relationship. I am not saying to cancel the wedding or anything but insecurities like that can fester and grow if you ignore them. Just take some time to figure out where they come from and try to deal with them. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 It is childish, as it's not "your" day - its your day AND his day. When I got married my exH's exGF was there. She was their minister's daughter! Keep in mind that he obviously chose to spend the rest of his life with you. So to be childish about a woman who is married to someone else, and has a child, the day your fiance is proclaiming to all your friends and family that he wants to be with you, is sour grapes in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 I can see that but it will really destroy my day if she's there. My husband is friends with a few of his ex-girlfriends. They exchange emails, talk on the phone and see each other. Most of them have new partners and/or children and he has no romantic feelings for them whatsoever. I don't feel threatened by women from the past. I would feel more threatened by some new gorgeous woman that would take his breath away. Your finace loves only you and in his mind she is just a friend, just like any other friend. I don't see any reason why you should feel jealous of her. He (and I assume you either) was not a virgin when you started dating. Actually I did have a problem with this at the beginning, but I calmed down when I realized that he is not attracted to them anymore and it's just innocent friendship. I don't even want to try and be "grown up" about it! I'm really quite devastated over this :-( :-( You should discuss this with him and calmly let him know how you feel. Tell him that it will hurt you and that even if he thinks that you should try and understand, the wedding day is certainly not the moment when you need to learn any new lessons. It's easier for him to not invite her than to repair the damage from hurting you. If he is really stubborn, just let him know that this whole thing leaves a sour taste in your mouth and is hurting your relationship. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to fight with you about it or solve the problem in the least painful way. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 I think the bigger question here is why are you so upset? She may have the past, but you've got the future. I'd say you've got nothing to be jealous of. I think you need to work through this. Link to post Share on other sites
carmaenforcer Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 lilian, it is a jealousy problem and you are justified in feeling the way you do. You are being childish in not wanting her there if your BF/Fiancée has not given you any reason to think that there is something to worry about in their relationship as friends. On the other hand you have full right to say who you do or do not want at the wedding as does he. This is one of those things that bring up more questions than answers when addressed. The answer is, that there is no easy answer. I just got married myself almost a month ago and there were a few people that I didn't want invited to the wedding, lucky for me my fiancée was completely aware of my feelings toward these people and so didn't invite them. Like you, one of these guys that I have issue with was an ex-BF, he is married to some girl and lives far away now, so they don't see each other a lot. When he got married it was through the courts and so we didn't get invited. This friend hasn't said anything either way. Another one of her guys friends that has told her he wanted to hook up with her (she rejected him) but he is really lecherous, sleazy and inappropriate with her and her BGF. He didn't get invited either, nor any of their mutual guy friends, and he had a fit. He found out about us getting married a few months ago at a party and tried inviting himself to the wedding. He didn't know where or when but a mutual girl friend of my Wife's told him after the fact and he lost it, talking isht on myspace and relaying mean messages through my Wife's BGF. You can't make everyone happy all the time, but lucky for you this day is all about you and your man not everyone else. So they could just get over themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 If you don't invite her, it will create a ripple effect; the ex GF will be hurt and her husband will probably be angry for her. Your fiancee's circle of friends will note her absense and all speculate on why she wasn't present. At least some people will think of you as controlling, jealous and insecure. Last but not least, it will create a lot of awkward tension between your fiancee and some of his friends. It's not just your day. It's his day too. Talk things over with him when you are in a calmer frame of mind. My suggestion is to invite her; you will be so busy with the goings-on that you will scarcely notice her, is my guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilian Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hey Guys These were really thoughtful and helpful answers! Thanks. I do really hope that I won't notice her at the wedding :-( Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I have the same problem, my BF is still close to several of his exes. He told me that to be jealous is silly, because he's obviously not with them any more. He says he's with me, so why on earth would I be jealous? He's a very confident person. I know exactly how you feel though, and I can completely relate to her presence ruining your day. On what is supposed to be a day where you feel beautiful and special, there is something that is going to make you feel worried and insecure. However, there really is nothing to worry about. These are your feelings, and like b_o says, it's not just your day, it's also his. You don't have any reason to be concerned. I hope you don't notice her either. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinwaiting Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 My fiance is still good friends with two of his exes. He sees them when he goes 'home' and catches up with them on the phone. I have met both of them, like both of them, and went to one of their weddings. I fully epect him to invite them to ours. They are nice girls and, I like to think, prove he has good taste I've also always thought it was a good sign that he was friends with his exes. It'd be far more concerning if he left a string of women who hated his guts! In any case, there is really no point in being jealous. If your boyfriend wanted to be with his exes, he probably would be. He certainly wouldn't be marrying you. Relax. He loves you, he's with you, let him show you off to all his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 My exH invited some people to the wedding that I didn't want there. In the end, I was way too busy and preoccupied with everything going on to even notice. I saw one while I was walking down the isle, but as soon as I got to the front, I'd forgotten they were there. And at the reception, I saw one for a moment. I had really thought he was going to tell me off, or something equally horrendous, but he hugged me and told me how great it was that I had married his friend and how happy he was for me and my H. I had a new respect for the person, and saw them in a new light. Anyway, I had really thought that these people would "ruin" my wedding day, but I knew how important it was for my exH to invite them. In the end, it didn't destroy anything, in fact I felt more secure afterward then I ever had prior to that day. But you have to keep an open mind, and if worst comes to worst, designate one friend of yours who will "take care" of her if she should become a problem to you. Discretely. I asked one of my best friends to be on the ready should some of the guests become too obnoxious, and help get them out of the reception hall before things got to bad. That was probably unkind of me to do... but it helped ease my mind. And in the end, it wasn't necessary. Everyone was perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 As someone who was invited to an Ex's wedding that I was still good friends with I can tel you that it wuld've made me feel funny to be there.. But I was thankful to get the invite and I made sure that I sent a nice gift on their registry. I'm still friends with her.. but I just felt that it wasn't my place to be there Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 As someone who was invited to an Ex's wedding that I was still good friends with I can tel you that it wuld've made me feel funny to be there.. But I was thankful to get the invite and I made sure that I sent a nice gift on their registry. I'm still friends with her.. but I just felt that it wasn't my place to be there Art that is actually quite classy of you. I would have done the same. Hell my H had an X that tried to invite herself to the wedding old post on that one floating around LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I think this is another of the many excellent reasons to leave people in the past in the past. Aside from that, just because it's polite to invite her doesn't mean she should come. Another alternative is to cull from the list the whole circle of friends and just have a smaller wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Tinman Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 I think this is another of the many excellent reasons to leave people in the past in the past. Aside from that, just because it's polite to invite her doesn't mean she should come. Another alternative is to cull from the list the whole circle of friends and just have a smaller wedding. Right, because close friends of the groom have no business being at the wedding.. Seriously though. Yes you're being a little silly about this, especially considering that the ex is married and lives fairly far off. On the other hand, it is very normal to be a bit bothered by the prospectof your soon-to-be husband's ex at your wedding. You don't have to feel guilty for being a little bothered by this but you should also realize that it is childish. Invite her and her husband; to do otherwise would be rude and taking away from your husband's half of the 'big day.' Not to mention that excluding the couple would certainly cause problems down the line. My guess is when the big day comes, even if she does show, you won't be nearly as bothered as you think; you'll be getting married. Right now you're at the planning stage. This is the stage where you're allowed to be worried about every detail and how if A, B, and C aren't just right the day will be ruined. Table settings or flowers for example. Countless brides have been convinced that their weddings would be destroyed if they didn't have the right table settings. Countless numbers of these same brides never noticed whether or not there were even tables present, much less settings until they reviewed the footage later. This is a time where freaking out is pretty normal so don't feel guilty about it. However, do the right thing and invite her. Link to post Share on other sites
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