Disrespectful or "Normal"?

[KidAt42]

Hello all- I need some input here.

 

Our sitch: Sweet gal and I met and fell into each other about 6 weeks ago. We committed almost immediately. We fit nicely and get along perfectly! Lately, though, her ex b/f of 4 years has started contact with her again. This is the guy who beat her up 4 times while they were together as well as other abuses. She not only takes his calls and instant messages (to appease him she says) she recently went to his house and posed for a few pics to show off her new nipple rings. No, this isn't a joke- I'm dead serious. I broke up with her immediately.

 

We've talked. She's moving from his town (he awaits trial as her last beating was his third woman-beating offense). She seems to think this is appropriate behavior and that I should not have had a problem with it. She indirectly accused me of being closed-minded over this and implies that I am over-reacting. She claims that she would have no problem should I do the same with my ex. I wouldn't. And my ex didn't beat me either, btw....

 

I feel that it was not only extremely wrong to deal with him at all, but it was disrespectful to me. If she wants to flash her B00Bs at Mardi Gras or at a wild party I'm fine with that. But to drive to her ex's house and pose for pics to post on her blog, well, I felt like a chump. I feel dishonored and feel like a useful idiot at best.

 

I care for this gal deeply and I understand that there will always be a soft spot for the ex, just as I have a soft spot for mine, but I feel that this was a terrible offence to me and I was deeply hurt, dishonored, and made less of a man by her actions.

 

She said "It made sense at the time". I say it was a terrible thing to do, not only to me, but to herself, and our relationship.

 

Please respond with your thoughts. We really need some resolution on this issue.

 

Thanks!

 

KidAt42

[littlekitty]

Absolutely not on. It was disrespectful, rude and uggghhhh... nasty!

 

You do not, ever, go round to your ex's and flash your boobs!!! For any reason!!! I think you were right for dumping her.

 

I wouldn't have been socialising with my ex, let alone been showing him my body parts.

[KidAt42]

Thanks for your input LittleKitty.

 

I don't like to use the word "dumped" though, as garbage is dumped. She is not garbage to me, but a treasure. We're back/still together and there have been "I'm sorrys" all around, but it is unresolved as far as I am concerned and I don't think either of us wants to carry a resentment. I certainly don't! I'm just trying to clarify in my mind whether I am justified in my feelings. I simply can't acccept this kind of thing in the future and would hate to think that I over-reacted and let go of an otherwise perfect relationship over some sort of insecurity on my part.

 

I appreciate your input.

 

Keep it coming folks!

 

KidAt42

[littlekitty]

You've lost trust in her no doubt, so you'll need to work on that.

 

Then set expectations. Sit down and set each others expectations as to what is acceptable ways to behave and what is not. What are the rules around seeing ex’s? How would you expect her to behave in certain scenarios etc.

 

That would be a good way to try to ensure you don't step over each others boundries for the relationship.

 

I'm not so sure I could forgive. Getting your tits out for your ex is tantamount to cheating in my opinion.

 

Would she be happy if you popped round to your ex's to show her the nice new prince albert you just got? "Here you go love, take some snaps of my todger for me...?!" WTF?!

[bluechocolate]

You have not been made less of a man by her actions, so quit thinking that immediately.

 

We committed almost immediately.

 

Which was probably a mistake, but anyway -

 

You might want to ask what commitment means to her because therein lies your problem I think. She thinks what she did was OK, you don't, I certainly don't & I suspect most right minded & well adjusted people wouldn't either. Then again 'we', being the right minded & well adjusted, could just be closed minded & reactionary.

 

It doesn't really matter what any of us or her think. What matters is what YOU think & feel about it. If it's OK with you, no problem. Clearly it isn't OK with you. Why do you need validation for that feeling? It isn't required.

[KidAt42]

You have not been made less of a man by her actions, so quit thinking that immediately.

Fair enough, but it sure feels that way!

 

We committed almost immediately.

 

Which was probably a mistake, but anyway -

Yeah, but it's a lil late for that. It happened naturally and very comfortable for us.

 

You might want to ask what commitment means to her because therein lies your problem I think. She thinks what she did was OK, you don't, I certainly don't & I suspect most right minded & well adjusted people wouldn't either. Then again 'we', being the right minded & well adjusted, could just be closed minded & reactionary.

I think that is a good idea. Perhaps if she would chose to enlighten me we could avoid future heartache. So far, though, all I know is that she thinks it's acceptable and that I don't. Communication, in both directions, is certainly needed here.

 

It doesn't really matter what any of us or her think. What matters is what YOU think & feel about it. If it's OK with you, no problem. Clearly it isn't OK with you. Why do you need validation for that feeling? It isn't required.

I need validation because although what I feel is very real to me, I want to be sure that I'm not being closed-minded and I don't wish to control or impose my will on her. The last thing I wish to do is be a thorn in her side- I would rather be an asset to her and allow her to be herself without fear of my reaction. I guess I'm just trying to make sure that I'm not being unreasonable. She deserves the freedom to be herself without a control freak standing in her way. She has had enough of that from her ex. Seems he still controls her, though. Sad but true...

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts!

 

KidAt42

[KidAt42]

You've lost trust in her no doubt, so you'll need to work on that.

I know. We're doomed if we don't resolve this

 

Then set expectations. Sit down and set each others expectations as to what is acceptable ways to behave and what is not. What are the rules around seeing ex’s? How would you expect her to behave in certain scenarios etc.

 

That would be a good way to try to ensure you don't step over each others boundries for the relationship.

I agree. I guess that as uncomfortable as it will be, I have to pin her down on this and we just need to lay it out on the table. She clams up and I preach. "I'm sorry" simply does not cut it. If I can't accept her idea of right and wrong then I guess there is no sence settig myself up for further heartache. I'd hate to think that we would part over this but I am willing to walk away, as painful as that will be, should we not be able to meet in the middle.

 

I'm not so sure I could forgive. Getting your tits out for your ex is tantamount to cheating in my opinion.

I can forgive her this time because I know she is damaged from the abuse he put her through. She is very kind-hearted and I'm sure he knows exactly how to manipulate her. She's been through hell and I try very hard to be understanding and truly wish to accept her as she is. But this one really hurt me badly....

 

Would she be happy if you popped round to your ex's to show her the nice new prince albert you just got? "Here you go love, take some snaps of my todger for me...?!" WTF?!

I asked her exactly that and she says she would NOT have a problem with it! I can't imagine doing that- I respect her and myself too much. And I keep my ex in her proper place- My PAST!

 

Thanks for your input!

 

KidAt42

[bluechocolate]

I would rather be an asset to her and allow her to be herself without fear of my reaction.

 

And what if 'being herself' means taking actions that you find disrespectful & that make you feel less of a man? The simple truth is you may just not be suitable for each other.

 

Personally I would have dumped this woman & not thought twice about it. That doesn't mean I'm better than her, just that she had crossed a line that for me should never have been crossed. Had this been a relationship of long standing, well then perhaps a different story.

 

Not really looking for an answer here - but don't you know how to use a digital camera? It's not just about the picture taking though, she take his calls & his IM's to appease him. I'd have thought she wouldn't to appease you.

[KidAt42]

I would rather be an asset to her and allow her to be herself without fear of my reaction.

 

And what if 'being herself' means taking actions that you find disrespectful & that make you feel less of a man? The simple truth is you may just not be suitable for each other.

Personally I would have dumped this woman & not thought twice about it. That doesn't mean I'm better than her, just that she had crossed a line that for me should never have been crossed. Had this been a relationship of long standing, well then perhaps a different story.

I agree. We are SO right for each other in every aspect. Although it's been short-term thus far, our feelings are very intense and we are otherwise 100% compatible and great together. If "being herself" means I can expect more of this behavior then I will have no choice but to end this otherwise great relationship. And that's really hard because we are so wonderful together other than this one issue of her ex.

 

 

Not really looking for an answer here - but don't you know how to use a digital camera? It's not just about the picture taking though, she take his calls & his IM's to appease him. I'd have thought she wouldn't to appease you.

Of course I do! I told her that I would have been glad to take some snaps for her! I think we would have had a great erotic time doing so. Her reasoning was that he is 5 minutes away and I am 45 minutes away. I kind of wonder what the hurry was, as aren't peircings kinda permanant? <end sarcasm> She said that it "made sense at the time". I think it makes no sense at all. Yet another reason for me to feel that her abusive ex is higher up on her list than me, her, or "us".

 

And she wonders why I am upset? Sheesh!

 

Thanks for your further input.

 

KidAt42

[bluechocolate]

And that's really hard because we are so wonderful together other than this one issue of her ex.

 

Here is where you & I differ on this I think. I would take this 'one issue' as indicative of her attitude towards me & relationships in general. I wouldn't view it in isolation like you seem to be.

 

Hence my comment re: a relationship of longer standing - you would have more to go on, as it were. Not to mention a greater investment. After only 6 weeks I would conclude that it just isn't worth evaluating my own morals in order to accommodate someone else's.

[littlekitty]

You sound like a good guy. I really hope this works out for you, and that you don't get hurt.

[KidAt42]

Thanks for your thoughts. We're going to sit down and lay out our groundrules tomorrow evening. She thinks we're worth the investment and effort as do I. Sure, it's only been six weeks, but the heart doesn't wear a watch!

 

If either of us feels like like we're selling ourselves out rest assured that I will walk away. I don't want to but I know what must be done if that is the case. I will neither compromise my core values nor I will not allow her to do it either. I refuse to be anything but an asset to her, myself, and "us". We both deserve better and we're willing to play like big kids and talk it out and hopefully we can get back to playing like little kids and having fun!

 

Thanks again for all your thoughts and efforts in replying.

 

KidAt42

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think you are in for a world of hurt. This ex of her beats her up 4 times and is now awaiting trial for it and she goes over to have him take pictures of her boobs? This indicates to me that she still has feelings for this guy and certainly can be manipulated by this guy time and again. Do not be surprised if this ex will always remain in her life and yours. This is a huge red flag that should not be dismissed. She is still trying to please a man who has beaten her up 4 times. What is wrong with this picture? The fact that she sees nothing wrong with this speaks volumes. I predict this will only be the beginning of this drama with her and this other guy.

[KidAt42]

Hello,

 

I think you are in for a world of hurt. This ex of her beats her up 4 times and is now awaiting trial for it and she goes over to have him take pictures of her boobs? This indicates to me that she still has feelings for this guy and certainly can be manipulated by this guy time and again. Do not be surprised if this ex will always remain in her life and yours. This is a huge red flag that should not be dismissed. She is still trying to please a man who has beaten her up 4 times. What is wrong with this picture? The fact that she sees nothing wrong with this speaks volumes. I predict this will only be the beginning of this drama with her and this other guy.

 

Well, I'm gonna see what her thoughts are tomorrow evening and take it from there. I'm not gonna settle for anything less than zero-contact with the ex and rest assured that sexual boundaries are part of tomorrow night's program as well. I'm NOT gonna tolerate it any more. I'm just willing to try to sort it out clearly and concisely and take it from there.

 

Thanks for your input- it's good to know that people actually care!

 

KidAt42

[RecordProducer]

I say it was a terrible thing to do, not only to me, but to herself, and our relationship.

And I agree with you 100%. I would never do that if I am in a relationship with someone I love. She has little self-respect when she could pose half-nude for her ex who beat her up 4 times. In my book, it's a form of cheating. You did the right thing for breaking up with her. Even if you get back together, she should know that such behavior is not acceptable.

[yawhatever]

Dumping her was the right thing to do. I had a similar thing happen to me except my gf slept with someone she was "close" to at work. I think the feelings are normal to feel like you are less of a man. After my experience I would have to say I would hate to deal with this situation and I would have to drop her. Just make it obvious that you are hurt by not showing interest in her so much, and if she comes around and you work things out thats cool.. but dont think about it too much just try seeing other people, if you feel comfortable with that, just try to relax.. Whatever

[onlyhuman]

Battered wife, battered girlfriend syndrome.

 

Until she admits she has a problem and gets help you will be sucked into the mess and all your going to get is an awfull lot of hurt.

Nothing good will come of this, especially for you.

Good luck!

[KidAt42]

Battered wife, battered girlfriend syndrome.

 

Until she admits she has a problem and gets help you will be sucked into the mess and all your going to get is an awfull lot of hurt.

Nothing good will come of this, especially for you.

Good luck!

I agree. This is a textbook case of battered wife/girlfriend syndrome. She's damaged badly and all mixed up. But it's not my job to rescue her, fix her, or otherwise sell myself out and I WILL walk away if she can't give me some solid resolution when we talk tomorrow. I don't care about the heartache, hell, I've already felt it and let her go in my heart a couple days ago. And I sure as heck am not going to tolerate any more of this nonsense. I guess it's an ultimatum- him or me. And we already how the "nice guy" finishes, so yes, I'm expecting the worst. ..

 

If things go from bad to worse I will send her off with a hug, a kiss, and a final statement of "Stay the F**k away from Kevin".

 

I hope she lives through her next beating. If she continues with him she is doomed.

 

I wonder if I should forward this thread to her? Hard telling...

 

Wish me, her, and us luck.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

KidAt42

[KidAt42]

Good morning all!

 

Well tonight's the big night. I've got my head and my heart together on the same page so now it's off to the rodeo!

 

If things don't go exceptionally well you'll be seeing me over in the Breaking up and/or Coping forums.

 

Thanks for all of your thoughts and taking the time to respond to me. I really appreciate it.

 

Wish me/her/us luck!

 

KidAt42

[ReluctantRomeo]

Wish me/her/us luck!

 

KidAt42

 

Good luck! I'm curious to hear how it works out.

[littlekitty]

Me too. Good luck!

[KidAt42]

Good luck! I'm curious to hear how it works out.

This just in....

 

We hashed it out last week- she brought very little to the table, but being that she is very quiet in general I took her words of amends and such at face-value. Actions DO speak louder then words so I figured I'd ride it out a lil bit and see how things went.

 

Needless to say, umm, errrr, uhhhh..... They went really badly! She stood me up for our date last Saturday and instead enjoyed the company of the woman-beater soon-to-be convict. I found myself angry as all heck (as a result of feeling so hurt and betrayed, but no excuse) and lashed out with both barrels. I left her books and key in a bag in the garage and she picked them up while I was at work.

 

I'm done.

 

Wow- what madness. Im glad it's over. I'm on to no contact and I've already been warned that I've not heard the last of her. I imagine after they go to pretrial next week (she as witness for the state, he as the accused) she'll have a need for a "nice guy" once again. But it's a lil late for that, eh? This "nice guy", though I may finish last in this case will simply keep on keepin' on and hold on to the crazy belief that somewhere there is a gal who will appreciate me.

 

I'd like to thank you all for your kind words and efforts in taking the time to respond.

 

KidAt42

[Sassy]

Good for you Kid. You don't need her anyways she was disrespectful taking those pictures at her ex bf that beats up women. She must like that type of man .You deserve better than her . Run and never look back . How can someone go back knowing that he was on trial for beating a third women up ? What a dumba@@!!!! She must not have too much self esteem for herself to be with a person like that . Hugs good luck and hang in there. Please don't contact her !!

[Guest]

Had I seen this earlier, I would have suggested that you talk to her, tell her you're concerned about her behaviour, and encouraged her to get therapy. She's in trouble and needs help and while you're right that it isn't your job to fix her, perhaps you might have been able to persuade her that she is badly in need of counselling.

[littlekitty]

Unfortunately in these situations, it's often the case that the abused go back to the abusers. I wish I could understand more why they go back once they get out. I understand how hard it is to get out, having been there, but why go back? She definately needs help. But I think you are right to stay out of it, it would no doubt only bring you pain.

 

I hope he goes to prision for a while. If not I imagine she'll end up dead.

 

I knew a women who was stabbed 34 times by her boyfriend with a screwdriver and left for dead in an alley. She survived, press charges. He went to prision for a year. Got out, came back. And guess what? They got back together. A week later she was dead. He'd brutally killed her. What a waste of life.