Is it all worth it?

[fedup82]

So here's my situation. I love my boyfriend and I believe I still want to be with him, it's just hard for me to say because I feel so emotionally exhausted right now. To try and make a long story short, he lied to me about a friend of his who he works with and is a girl. This friend of his has a boyfriend and is moving away to live where he does. But things have happened that make me suspicious and he's lied about things. They're not major things. Just little things he knew would cause a fight and wanted to avoid it.

 

In no means do I believe he's physically cheating on me because we spend the whole weekend together and he's very affectionate with me and says he loves me. She has said she loves him (on paper), not out loud and he says she doesn't mean it like that and that he never says it to her. "He doesn't love her". "She's just a really good friend". He's told me before that he won't lie to me anymore, but I caught him lying again. Not over anything big, pretty stupid actually, but he still lied and i see it as if he lies to me about something so minor, what about the major stuff?

 

I feel like I can't trust him at all. I know I can't. Not with the physical stuff, but with the emotional I guess you could say. he says he never has and never will cheat on me. He constantly tells me I'm the one he wants to be with, even for the rest of his life. he's cried to me when we have fought because he loves me so much and I can't see it.

 

But then why the lies? I've made it very clear he hurts me, but yet more stuff keeps happening. I almost feel like they have a better relationship than we do, but in reality, I know he and I have been through a lot more together. Maybe I'm just jealous or feel threatened by their friendship? I feel like I'm not good enough for him and I'll lose him. Maybe it's an insecurity thing? Maybe I'm just trying to hold onto this situation in hopes of having a reason to get out of the realtionship before really getting hurt? Because deep down I am scared it's not going to work, yet I'm pushing him away by the constant badgering and questions.

 

But I wouldn't keep bringing it up if he didn't keep doing stuff to worsen the situation, if he didn't lie. My gut instinct is telling me, deep down, I'm confident nothing physical has happened, but at the same time I feel like there may be something there he's not telling me. I ask him, he lies, I don't ask, he doesn't tell, so I will never really know the truth.

 

I'm constantly looking in his phone and through his things to find something to prove my instinct is right. I haven't really. I mean besides her telling him she loves him on a sticker and in a valentines day card, but he claims she tells everyone that and it doesn't mean what I think. I'm so confused right now. I love him and want this to work out if what he says is true about her. That nothing has happened between them since he & I have been together. (They went on a few dates before I was even in the picture, but he says it wasn't working out for them and decided to stay friends.) But I fear that there may be some of those feelings there for her that he obviously was able to have before, and maybe that's why he's holding onto her as a friend.

 

He says they only see eachother at work and they don't hang out during the week(since I see him all weekend). Then there's the part of me that just wants to walk away. Give up. Whether that'd be time apart or completely over...I don't know. He tells her when we fight too and that bothers me because then I think I look bad. And I feel like she's disrespecting me and our relationship by telling him she loves him(on paper) yet he doesn't think so because she supposedly doesn't mean it like that. It like he's always defending her and their relationship instead of me.

 

What do I do? Should I just distance myself from him for a while? I told him one more lie and then it's over. He did again, yet I haven't ended it. Mostly because it was something silly. What would you do? Wait it out and see, or end it now before it may have the opportunity to get better? Should I see how it is after she moves away? That way I don't have to worry about them getting together? he just makes it seem like my feelings don't matter and I just need to deal with it. I don't care if he has "friends", but the fact that he lied about all this from the very beginning, makes it an issue for me.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Is he telling you lies or is he just not offering information for fear that you will freak on him and go on a jealous rampage?

 

We're allowed to have friends, both of the same and opposite sex. He shouldn't have to drop his friend just because it makes you jealous. Would it make you any happier or more secure if he ended the friendship with her? He should, however, limit the extent of the information sharing with her, out of respect for your relationship.

 

You have told him how you feel. Now you need to ease up and get off his case. She is not a threat and you know it. You have to find a way to deal with your insecurities.

[fedup82]

Yes...I know. And you're right. He is most likely not telling me things, even when they're minor, out of fear of having a fight. I don't blame him cause I know it's true. I just wish he would of never lied to me from the very beginning, especially when I expressed to him right away how I want us to be completely honest with one another. No hiding anything and he said he felt the same way, only then I discovered he kept their friendship from me. He says he didn't tell me about her because he didn't want me to think it was something more between them, like I do now. I know I need to get over my insecurities, but it doesn't help when he's still willing to lie. I just feel betrayed and it's hard for me to let it go that he hurt me. But I know I need to if I really want this to work. At the same time I feel like if he doesn't want to be honest with me, then I won't be honest with him, even though I have nothing to be dishonest about.

[fedup82]

And it's a little of both. He'll keep things from me and he'll lie when I ask him about something. And it probably wouldn't make me any happier if he did drop her as a friend. 1) because I know he wouldn't even after telling me has. and 2) it's not fair to him.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Try to focus on other areas of your relationship. Don't let it bother you, or don't let him think it bothers you.

 

Try not to put him in a situation where you think he will lie, that is just setting him up for a fight. Make an agreement with him that you both will drop her from your conversations. Tell him you won't bring it up anymore. Tell him you don't want to hear what goes on in their daily work routines.

 

If you are ever around his coworker, let her think that you couldn't care less what they talked about at work. Show her that you are secure in your relationship with him. Be super nice to her, that'll drive her nuts haha.

 

And stop going back to the beginning and holding that first lie against him. If you forgave him then, you need to drop it.

[RecordProducer]

I see one problem here: he is lying to you. I also see one question arising: why is he lying to you?

 

It could be because they are flirting with each other or because you are jealous of this girl by default. Whether it's the former or the latter makes a big difference for you. I've been in the same situation and let me tell you that nagging and questioning only make things worse.

 

What you need to do is not just threaten him that if you hear one more lie, you'll walk away. Now he is even more scared and a possible break-up came in the picture so he is even more likely to hide something that might upset you. He'll try to isolate you from knowing anything related to this girl.

 

So you need to show him that you appreciate it when he is honest with you. Just like us, men are full of all kinds of issues in their heads. Perhaps their mothers beat the sh*t out of them when they would honestly confess that they did break the lamp so next time they knew better and said "The wind did it" in order to save their asses.

 

Men are like dogs; you need to reward them when they are good rather than punish them when they are bad in order to encourage the good actions. (Hmm, I'll try to apply my own advice from now on! ).

 

Some men are more reserved by nature than others, and ALL men are more reserved than women on average.

 

Let it go and concentrate on your relationship. She is leaving anyway. Next time you catch him in a lie, make it clear for him that had you known the truth, you wouldn't have been mad at him, but you are mad ONLY because he hid things from you or lied.

 

Relax and enjoy your love!