I usually don't like life anymore

[user name]

Ive been feeling very sad and down for a long time. I have never had sex before, or had any love shown towards me, and don't say my parents that is a totally different kind of love and totally irrelevent, you dont have sex with your parents or kiss with tongues do you.

 

I see these guys they get a lot of girls and both have great time just having simple sex. I can't comprehend what is wrong with this and i think anything that is said that is wrong with this besides the small risk of STDs is made up by society.

 

But i am in my twenties, a virgin and I feel awful. I feel completely sterile, and valueless sexually. I don't dream of winning the lottery, I don't dream of ruling the world. I dream of being like the guy in the nightclub who girls choose over other guys. It's like i am not sexual. It's like girls don't desire me as a sexual partner.

 

Whether i "be myself" or actually practice(and ive practiced a lot), i get no results or interest towards me.

 

At this stage I don't want to wait for a girl who actually loves me and has sex with me after she loves me, this will come I know but it's not what i want at this stage. I want to feel sexually significant for once. I hate this pure feeling. It makes me sick to my stomach. It's disgusting.

 

Ive already waited a long time.

 

And don't say any of this or anything similar because it won't help:

 

"you must stop wanting it so much"

"you just have to wait longer it will come"

"the longer you wait the better it is"

"sex isn't everything"

[yawhatever]

Umm why don't you try approaching these girls intstead of waiting for them to come to you?

 

LOL, Yea winning the lottery... haveing a woman approach you, thats like almost the same chances.. well maybe not really but seriously you need to go after them, not wait for them.

 

Dont even think about it too much, just work on yourself first, try approaching women in a friendly way, hang out with friends.. What I find fun is if you hit on women with your guy friends and this takes the tense off it all, you can approach a woman to see if you can get her phone or email or whatever and if you fail "OH WELL....ya whatever" its still fun you can have a good laugh with your buddies about it. Try it it works, and if your friends aren't into that then find some guys that will.

[riobikini]

You are about to explore your sexuality, that's for sure.

 

At least, you have been giving it a lot of thought, -and when you give it that much thought and attention, you are probably on the verge of doing it.

 

Just do it without the huge consequences of complicated circumstances, and without the high risk of health issues.

 

If you've thought about it this much, you, surely, have thought about how, -and who with.

 

I know you said you didn't care if it was someone you were in love with, but careful that you don't choose someone who falls in love with you.

 

It would help to talk to the person you're interested in (if there is a particular person) and tell them that you aren't interested in a love affair, or anything long-term and serious.

 

You won't have to use big words, either, -nor will you have to sound like you're negotiating a contract.

 

Keep it simple.

 

If you're having trouble just spotting the girls you think might be interested in you, take the time to look at what hobbies and interests you have and take note of the type of girls who hang out there.

 

You might even want to add a few other things to your list of activities to increase the volume of available females to consider.

 

If this sounds like you are 'hunting' -you're right- that's exactly how it begins, -except you don't want to appear so obvious at your task.

 

If you're having trouble with your appearance, grab a magazine for men and skip through it. After turning a few pages, you should have an almost immediate grasp of what you need to change or what your tastes are.

 

Then make a few outward changes to boost your appearance. Make sure they are changes that 'fit' you, -who you are, the guy you actually have to live with everyday.

 

Avoid 'pick-up' lines, -at least the cheesy ones- you really don't need them, especially when you're just beginning, -they'll goof you up really fast and really cut off your water, so to speak.

 

Work on a few simple, warm ways to just say 'Hi!' or ways to introduce yourself in a warm, friendly way. Girls know when you're trying too hard, -and that gives them the upper hand, right away.

 

You keep the upper hand by keeping your cool, remaining your quiet, calm self, and, at the same time, show some friendly attention, -smile, stay loose, and talk to her in the moment, -not imagining what she's like in bed. (At least, not for now.)

 

Have a good talk with yourself before attempting any 'hunting' you might plan on doing.

 

Tell yourself you're good enough (you are), remind yourself you're strong enough to handle a little rejection (you can), give yourself a pat on the back for good luck and for whatever happens (you will get lucky soon enough, and whatever happens will happen).

 

Look, I know it's tough to see everyone else , it seems, enjoying relationships that appear to be fun and fulfilling and many of them involving sex, -but even after you begin experiencing the sexual side of a relationship(s), you will still wind up learning that the most important thing was knowing all that you've learned about yourself up until then, anyway.

 

And , chances are, somewhere during your lifetime, you will have to start all over again, knowing more about the person you've become: kind of a re-assessment of yourself from time to time.

 

So it's really very good that you've had all this time to think about yourself and what you want.

 

And by the way, just because you've waited this long doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, -nowadays, it's pretty common for people to wait til they reach their twenties to have sex.

 

You'll be glad, soon enough, that you took all this time before doing it.

 

I hope I have helped you, some.

 

I'm sure there's much more to add, but there are plenty of intelligent, relationship-savvy people on this board who are going to answer you and help you out where I've left off.

 

I wish you very good luck with your endeavor, -keep us posted- and hey-have a good time!

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[MadDog]

And don't say any of this or anything similar because it won't help:

 

"you must stop wanting it so much"

"you just have to wait longer it will come"

"the longer you wait the better it is"

"sex isn't everything"

 

Like the previous person said, if you're waiting for girls to come up to you and say "Let's hop into bed," you're going to be waiting for a long time. Despite all the advances in our society, guys still have to take the initiative in most cases.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting it (it's normal and if you didn't want it at all, that'd be considered abnormal). Waiting any longer (you're 20) is going to suck. Waiting longer doesn't make it better. Sex I guess isn't everything but I'll be damned if it isn't one of the best things out there.

 

Bottom line: you need to start approaching girls and letting them know you're interested in them. Ask a few out. What have you got to lose except your virginity?

 

MD

[yawhatever]

Good Advice

 

Just like to mention that you wont find girls in a night club, try places like the gym, at the place you eat, the place you shop, library, places where women go by themselves..

 

 

I think you should look at all the positive things, ask your mind the right questions, first off you are now more valuable because you have not been with anyone else, and you should see this as an asset, dont let it get you down, it really is.

 

Definetly get some style if this is something you lack, women like guys that take care of themselves, hygene, fashion is important to them, so yea as long as you do that, take good care of yourself and start meeting women (even if you dont like the first 100) at first, dosn't mean you need to have sex with them anyways.

[yawhatever]

I disagree that sex is the best thing out there, it can be good, it can be bad.. but its not the best thing, its different for different people. There are plenty of things one will treasure more than sex - a good friend, love, honesty... a corvette z06

 

The point is, it will not be good if in your mind you say "I WANT IT, IT IS THE BEST, I NEED IT!" , it will suck for you and you will think its over-rated. People make a too big deal out of it, when you dont then it becomes good.

 

Become more interesting.. and girls will become interested in you, explore your interests, hobbies and do extra activities, that you wanted to do but never had a chance to do them.

[user name]

WTF? When did i say i don't approach?

 

This was not implied or said. I approach all the time, I am just rejected, and no interest is shown.

 

I even said i practiced a lot! I said that sometimes when i approach i practice, i.e. experiment with different attitudes, and others i "be myself".

 

Then i see these other guys that either "be theirself" or simply do nothing really good, and they barely say a word and get lots of girls.

 

Three replies dedicated to telling me i should approach, when i never said i didn't.

 

MadDog even though you misinterpretted, you seem to understand better i don't know yet though.

There's nothing wrong with wanting it (it's normal and if you didn't want it at all, that'd be considered abnormal). Waiting any longer (you're 20) is going to suck. Waiting longer doesn't make it better. Sex I guess isn't everything but I'll be damned if it isn't one of the best things out there.

yawhatever doesn't understand me as well.

[Forever Searching]

Well no wonder girls don't want anything to do with you!

[Guest]

Well, don't attack or be judgemental when people (perfect strangers!) took time to help you and answer your questions!

 

So maybe they didn't read every little thing you wrote. You should still be appreciative.

 

As for why women reject you, no one can answer that here for you. Maybe you need to get into therapy and find out what you're doing that makes you unsuccessful with the opposite sex.

 

I mean, if you are getting rejected THAT badly, you must be giving off a vibe

[amerikajin]

user name,

 

You're starting from scratch, so understand that this process takes time. It also takes a bit of thick skin. In your pursuit of women, unless you are incredibly lucky and find it on the first girl (i.e. HS sweetheart kinda thing) you are going to FAIL - A LOT!!! Everybody fails in relationships, dude...that's life. It's a lot like finding a job. You'll apply for maybe ten job before someone shows interest in your qualities, and it may take another ten or twenty more before you actually find the right fit. But do you quit? No, you find out what went wrong, areas you need to work on and go from there. Same with chicks.

 

Few tips for starters:

 

1. Focus on yourself first. Focus on making yourself a more successful person. Define goals for yourself - personal goals, not goals with women. Make career goals. Maybe take up a hobby or free time activity. Take steps to achieve them. Doing this will give you natural confidence, which you want have to fake every time you're in a social situation.

 

2. You are attaching waaaaay too much importance to finding women. Find yourself first, the women will follow.

 

3. When chatting up women, try to remain objective. Don't be too forward. Just get to know them first. And rather than wondering whether or not you meet their criteria for being an attractive guy, evaluate them and ask if THEY are the kind of people you'd want to meet.

 

4. Don't ask for dates, just get together casually. Slowly build a relationship.

 

Honestly, I think your main problem is poor self esteem. That can only be cured by step number one, I think. So get to it my man.

[qnmc]

Ditto with what Amerikajin said, I think one of the keys to successfully pick up women is to literally not care what happens one way or another - don't think of it as a win/lose situation. You have to train yourself to not care. How do I do this? By focusing on just making friends with them... in a flirtatious way, though. But I tell myself that it really doesn't matter what happens.

 

I also don't give them too much attention initially. Say I'm at a bar, I'll give them 5 minutes or so, just long enough to get their attention but short enough where I end the conversation, and tell them I have to go talk to my friends. While we initiate contact most often, women choose who they want - this is a fact that makes things easier in your head once you accept the rules of the game. She'll find you or find an excuse to be near you while you're talking to your buds later on in the night if she's interested.

 

Women have a sixth sense about this "I don't care" attitude. You instantly become a challenge to them, which is all-important when picking them up.

 

Check out www.askmen.com - great website for guys. Especially look at the Dating and Love section.

[qnmc]

Here's some more practical advice while I'm thinking about it. If you're looking to score at a bar, it's by far the toughest place to do it. Everything is based on looks... initially... then it's all about conversation, which is something you have to work on on your own. To get the looks part down, though, here are some suggestions.

 

Magazines - get a subscription to Men's Health and one of the following: Details, Esquire, or GQ. Each of them will give you great tips on fashion, but Men's Health gives great tips on what it is to be a guy, from every angle.

 

Dress - if you can afford it, upgrade your wardrobe (use the magazines I listed above for tips). The best and most successful look I've employed lately is a pair of dark blue form-fitting jeans (suggestion: Lucky's Hendrix jeans - $100), a nice form-fitting button-down shirt (white or blue, untucked $50-$100), a pair of nice black loafers (suggestion: kenneth cole's "U Bet" shoe - $160), and a well-fitting blazer (suggestion: Express for Men's 2 button Empire jacket - $220). Now these are not exactly cheap items to buy, but this gives you an idea of styles to look for. Above all, either take a girl with you shopping, or at the very least ask a female sales clerk for help. I do.

 

Hair - again, check out the magazines. What does your hair look like? Is it the same 'do' you've had since high school? Might be time for a change. If it is, find a 'do' you like in a magazine, cut it out and take it to your barber.

 

Movies - Rent movies with the following people in it and look for how they carry themselves: Jude Law, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Vince Vaughn, Colin Farrell, the Owen brothers. It has so much more to do with the way they carry themselves than their looks (except for Brad Pitt, hey, some guys just win the looks lottery at birth). But look at Vince Vaughn, that dude is not good looking in a physical sense but carries himself with supreme confidence we should all try to emulate (he's with Jennifer Aniston for crying out loud). This is one area we have it so much easier than the ladies, looks really don't matter so much as our personalities... but it does help to accentuate what you got.

 

The gym - if you don't regularly hit the gym, start immediately. Not only will it improve your physical characteristics but it will kick the happy chemicals in your brain into over drive.

 

Anyway, this is all surface level stuff to get them initially interested. Above and beyond this you still need to work on you, your self-confidence, and your self-esteem. There is nothing more attractive to a lady than confidence, it trumps everything. Think about all of the questionable-looking guys out there you've seen with drop-dead gorgeous females on their arms. You need to remind yourself until you believe it that you are the catch of a lifetime (I don't mean this in a conceited way). Take out a sheet of paper and write down everything that is great about you, your accomplishments, where you're going in life, etc. and read it out load to yourself in the mirror when you get up in the morning and before you go to bed. Sounds cheesy but it works.