only7201 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 alright i have a bit of a dilemma, and it's probably going to be a long story so here goes: i'm dating a bi guy. he came out at the age of 14 (we've been friends since we were 12), and around 15 decided he was completely gay, because the only girl he ever had feelings for was me. at 16, we kissed and we've been together as a couple for almost 5 years now. now obviously he has some....needs that i won't be able to fill because, obviously, i'm not male. he always says this doesn't matter, BUT before we were together, he used to go on gay.com and meet guys for sex. he also used yahoo messenger to go on cam with other guys (they have all those masturbation chatrooms and stuff). so when we got together i asked him if he could stop, because he was CONSTANTLY on these websites and i wasn't sure exactly why he was on them so much if he wasn't meeting up with guys. so he said he would stop. so far as i know, he did (for a while). then he cheated on me with a guy from his school. soo that was a fun little mess, we weren't together for a few months while we tried to work things out. but we love each other to pieces, and i forgave him, and we got back together. a couple years later we moved in together, we've now been living together for almost 2 years. we have always had a very, very good sexlife. but the last month or so he seems to have completely lost interest. not just a little, but he's absolutely lost any interest whatsoever. i know that he still has yahoo messenger on his computer, and i figured he was using it every once in a while just to watch other guys, so i decided not to say anything about it. that was a year or so ago. a couple weeks ago, i found his webcam shoved behind his computer, obviously hidden, and i figured that had something to do with his lack of interest in me. then he goes to work one day and leaves his email open. he's been making posts on craigslist, and emailing other men trying to get guys to meet up with him. i know i really shouldn't have, but after seeing those emails i did a small bit of snooping and there were erotic incest stories in his history, which freaked me out quite a bit. apparently along with being on cam for other guys, he's reading father/son erotic stories. so now i don't know what i should do. in a really non threatening manner, i asked him flat out if he had ever met up with a guy since we moved out. and he's really not a very good liar, and i'm very close to certain that he was lying when he said no. i asked him if he still uses yahoo messenger and he says no. i can't even think of how i would ask about the stories. so i kept trying to forget about it or.. something. for weeks i had been trying to turn him on or get some kind of reaction out of him, but he pushes me away saying he's just too tired from work, he hasn't been looking at porn or anything cause he's always so tired, he just isn't ever in the mood anymore. but okay.. he's not incredibly bright, because he leaves whatever he uses to clean up afterwards all over the damn place and an idiot could see that he's lying about this. so last week i broke down and just told him i know he's lying. i asked him could he please stop going on messenger to go on cam with other guys and he said he would, but i don't know if i can trust him. also, i'm really freaked out about the other website, but i think that's a whole separate problem and i'm not sure it's my place to mention it to him. about the trust issue: i'm gone for 3 to 4 hours twice a week, and he has the apartment to himself. how can i trust him? what if he's having guys over as soon as i'm out of the house? i don't know if he's just addicted to porn, or if he's actually acting on his desires with these men. so i don't know what to do. a friend of mine suggested putting a keylogger on his computer, but that seems too much of an invasion of privacy. i'd appreciate any advice Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 He's being dishonest, perhaps emotionally if not physically unfaithful. You've confronted him in a non-threatening manner and instead of working on his issues together, he hides them even more. Yet it is as if he wants you to catch him..... I understand you love each other but there is absolutely no foundation of trust in this relationship. You need to assess your position on this matter and decide whether to intensively work on the relationship (which seems like a moot point since he obviously isn't doing his part) -- or cut your losses. You won't know if he's acting on his desires or not, ever, because you don't trust him. And he's given you no reason to, being that he lies to your face. I have had relationships with women. But the whole "I'm Bi" thing is an effing cop-out. Just because you can have sex with the same sex doesn't have any bearing on a person's ability to be in a committed relationship, and their sexual orientation is not an issue because ostensibly they're having sex with one person, YOU, and all other desires are put aside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author only7201 Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 yeah that's exactly what it feels like, as if he wants me to catch him doing something wrong. and after this last week, i've been seriously considering leaving him, at least for a while to try to work things out in my head, just to get away from him for a little while so i can figure out if i still want to deal with this. when i finally spoke to him about the messenger thing, i told him i had been thinking about leaving him and he started crying and saying he wouldn't know what to do if i left, and all that stuff. but the thing is: i'm not sure if he actually wants ME anymore, or if he just wants the idea of me. we're so used to having each other, i don't know if it's just that comfort feeling that he wants or if he really does still want ME, you know what i mean? thank you for your advice. i need a good friend i can talk to but unfortunately at the moment i have none. i'm gonna have to make this decision on my own. i have actually tried to go into detail and talk to him about this, but every time i bring it up he goes into a rage, especially if part of the conversation includes what he did before with that other guy. it's really rare when i get him to calm down enough to actually talk to me. usually he just leaves, and comes back an hour or so later and won't talk to me. god, actually writing this out makes me realize we're not very well off right now. i dont think i even realized. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 but the thing is: i'm not sure if he actually wants ME anymore, or if he just wants the idea of me. we're so used to having each other, i don't know if it's just that comfort feeling that he wants or if he really does still want ME, you know what i mean? yes ma'am, most definately. Happens a lot, IME. Guy falls in love with idea of what his partner is to him. And what you do for him/provide for him. Familiarity is comfortable. But is also breeds contempt. thank you for your advice. i need a good friend i can talk to but unfortunately at the moment i have none. word. i'm gonna have to make this decision on my own. i have actually tried to go into detail and talk to him about this, but every time i bring it up he goes into a rage, especially if part of the conversation includes what he did before with that other guy. it's really rare when i get him to calm down enough to actually talk to me. usually he just leaves, and comes back an hour or so later and won't talk to me. defensiveness, much? this is a sure sign the relationship is out of control, because this is an actively cultivated impediment to a resolution. Oftentimes it's a conscious process. "I don't want to talk about it" can also mean "I don't want to acknowledge to myself what I did". Some people have this thing they do at the end of relationships. Try to make it as intolerable as possible to the other person to they don't have to be the bad guy and do something that is painful and hurtful, but eventually must be done. He probably does care for you deeply. Anyways IME, he may have some personl work to do before he can be in a relationship with anyone. His confusion may be indicative of a deeper issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts