a754 Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 I know its long but please help!!! My ex boyfirend and I were together for a year. It was the best relationship of my life. That was until our communication broke down when i went to america for a month. We tired to keep in contact but it was pretty hard. Then when i got back he said he didnt feel the same way about me anymore and didnt think we should date anymore. I knew he didnt cheat on me while i was away and it wasnt because of another girl, he said he just needed to sort out his emotions. I was heart broken. we both cried, talked and went our seperate ways. but things just didnt feel right. I see him pratically every day and still do. Then about 2 months after breaking up with me, he began telling people, "Ive made a mistake" and kept coming out when i was out and basically acting like a lost puppy. I didnt know what to think. Eventually i text him and said "what do you want? I still want to be with you?" He didnt reply for ages, and then when he did it was a, "i think we should just stay good friends." But then why was he acting like this?!?!? i ignored it and yet again tried to move on. Then he was out with me and my friends one night. I met a guy and we kissed and exchanged numbers, and he witnessed it all. I didnt think my ex wanted anything so didnt see a problem in moving on. But then the next day he was asking me about "that guy" and was obviously upset. He told one of my best friends yet again that "he'd made a mistake." I was so confused!! why did he keep saying that and not doing anything about it? and why couldnt he just tell me himself!! I chose to ignore it, because he was the 1 who had to tell me.......and he never did. About three months went by. I was of course myself around him. I acted like a friend and we were getting on so well. We could just sit and be friends and laugh. It was great and I was finally accepting that there wouldnt be an "us" again. Until about a week ago.... he told me "ive made such a mistake. I never should have said we just be friends because I still fancy you" I was taken aback of course and thought, yh sure this is just a repeat, so i didnt let on that i still liked him. Then on valentines day he text and said "i meant everything i said. happy valentines." Then he told my best friend, "ive been such a t**t, i never should have let her go" I knew then that he was being geniune, and because he had told me himself this time,I decided to text back and said "I do want us to be more than friends, but I want you to be sure its what you want, because i dont want to be hurt again." .......no reply I waited about a week in hope of something, but nothing. So i rang him to basically ask what was going on. he said, i dont know. I dont know if us going out again would be worth it!! so now i lie in wait to see what else he has to say, but i know ill have to be the instigator because hes just too shy. I dont know whether hes backing off because hes scared of hurting me again..., or because he wasnt being genuine in the first place. But he keeps saying he wants me back, and has been for the past 6 months. Why now, is he backing off when i tell him that i want the same thing?!?! im so confused. I want to be with him so much.....i still love him and never stopped loving him. HELP!! Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 It could be that he thinks you were with other people when you were in America, was it a J1 visa trip or something similar? (Not that there is anything wrong with being with other people if you were split up or had discussed it before you went.) If it was the case that he was very serious about the relationship he may have been taken aback at the thought that you could spend a whole month away from him (esp if it was a J1 visa trip, as they are well known to be relationship breakers). Thats what you wanted to do, and thats fine. (not like a month is a long time!) Forgive me if I am totally wrong about the J1 thing - I just have a feeling! Were there other issues before you went away that might have contributed to make him unsure about the relationship? In any case it is not fair for him to back and forth. If this has been going on for six months and is hurting / confusing you I think it might be better for YOU if you can avoid him. It seems that every time you respond to his "i made a mistake" statements that he backs off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author a754 Posted March 6, 2006 Author Share Posted March 6, 2006 no it wasnt a J1 trip....i dont even know what one is lol but i just think he got scared because we hadnt seen enough of one another over the summer, after spending everyday with each other. I would never cheat, and he knew how much I loved him. I know he would never cheat either. hes not like that. i know its not fair for him to keep giving me false hope and it is upsetting me.....but it doesnt change the fact that i still love him and want to be with him. Every1 tells me to move on and i could do so much better, but i dont want better, i want him. The past doesnt matter to me anymore. I just dont understand why after telling me all this, and me returning the emotion, why all of a sudden he doesnt know what he wants again. Maybe Ive played it too cool, and he thinks i still feel angry and upset at him, or he doesnt want to run the risk of hurting me again and me never being able to forgive him.....but i would. Or maybe hes just indecisive and too immature for me *shrugs* i just dont know what to think anymore Link to post Share on other sites
destination_unknown Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 Sorry for confusing things with the J1 thing ! Its a thing alot of college kids do in Ireland so thought it might be the case. IMO, you have 2 choices: Choice 1: Arrange a meeting between the two of you alone. Work yourself up to a mental resolution that this is "FISH OR CUT BAIT TIME". Tell him you care about him and would like to give it another go. (Dont say to him that you are washing your hands of him if he says no or says he is unsure.) But this is exactly what you do if he says he isnt sure, you wash your hands of him. You have spent 6 months being confused about this, that is enough time for him to make up his mind. Then... -Do not contact him -Block his number from your phone -Avoid places you know he will be -If you cannot avoid places he will be, do not interact with him when you see him Otherwise you can simply cut contact with him without the talk and try your best to move on with your life. (Thats the hard bit.) If he comes back and is sure, then thats fine. But do not spend anymore of your thoughts / energy wondering. It will not buy you anything except sleepless nights! IMO, if you love someone you arent unsure. (Unless that person has betrayed / hurt you in some way in the past) Hope ive helped a lil bit... :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Maybe Ive played it too cool, and he thinks i still feel angry and upset at him, or he doesnt want to run the risk of hurting me again and me never being able to forgive him.....but i would. Oh dear. Please, please don't do this to yourself. You can get caught up in an endless round of "what-ifs" and "if I had onlys" and so on and so on, and you'll drive yourself crazy wondering how you could fix things, if you did something wrong, what the right "tweak" is to solve the problem. But you have to let go of that fantasy. You can't "fix" things with him, because this particular problem isn't yours to solve. It is NOT YOUR FAULT that he pulls away every time you tell him he's still got a chance. You're not playing it too cool. You've been receptive to him. You gave him plenty of opportunity to try again. Really. He is the screwup here. He just doesn't know what he wants, and it's not fair to you to keep you wondering. And even if you play it cool, date other guys and lo and behold he comes crawling back yet again to tell you he's a screwup, I suspect you'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop. maybe he's just indecisive and too immature for me YES. Link to post Share on other sites
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