Want To End Affair-Not Sure How

[Guest]

dude, you should run from this group of women here because they will not help, but if you want to be judged your in the right place

[whichwayisup]

Whichway,

 

No, the OW is not married. In fact, according to her, she hasn't been in a serious relationship for eight years. ( did I mention that she's 11 years older than me.) I've often wondered if the fact that she has not had a serious relationship for that length of time has something to do with why she is clinging so viciously to me. I've tried to put the thought out of my mind but I cannot shake the fact that she is after me simply because she enjoys how it "feels" to have a man. I guess this is one thing that gives me pause.

 

So in a way, you're her safety net. Someone comforting and safe to be with. Listen to your gut instinct here. It usually doesn't lie. If you feel something isn't quite right, then chances are, it isn't!

 

I mean, what if you DID leave your wife and children for this OW? Then, she decided it was TOO much and waaaaay too serious. You're on your own after that. No OW or wife. Cuz then your wife would feel second best if you left her, then came back if things didn't work out with the OW. See what I'm getting at? This isn't a game, so once again, LISTEN to your gut and see the red flags around you.

 

Not to answer two posts at the same time, but I think Greenshift if right. She told me once that she said to herself that she had to "teach his wife a lesson". I'm not sure if she was jealous. (if she was, she didn't relay that to me) I do know that she was bothered by the way my wife was relating to me. I suppose she felt she could do a better job, which is why she pursued me in the first place.

 

Like, "in your face - I have your man and he talks to me, not you" kinda deal? If that is what she has implied, that's a dangerous game she's playing. Be aware.

 

I think it was my vulnerability that made me a target for her. The more I think about it, the more I realize that to be true. Not only that, but the fact that she was so easy to talk to, and she made herself so available to me. I mean. . .I've told another good friend of mine who just so happens to be a coworker about my situation. She's around the same age as OW, she's not married. Yet, I never had an attraction to her, and she never pursued me as far as any type of serious relationship was concerned. I've often asked myself what it was about the OW that attracted me so intensely to her. I'm not sure I've really found an answer for that.

 

~PK

 

Yes, she probably saw that you were vunerable and played you the way she wanted to. Not in a mean or malcious way, but she said and did the right things to make sure you got hooked.

 

Don't try and figure out what attracted you to the OW.

[pkjazz]

Hey Guys,

 

I just thought it might be a good idea to inform you that I did break things off with the OW last night. . . .for real this time. I didn't think I would have the strength to pull it off, but it's amazing what one can do when they try hard enough.

 

Bascially, the straw that finally broke the camel's back came yesterday afternoon. If you recall, I did live with the OW for about three weeks a while back. I had told my wife that that I did in fact want a divorce, and I was going to pursue my feelings and relationship for the OW. During that time, I had many reservations (not to mention the fact that my conscience was killing me). I decided to move back in with my wife and give my marriage a second chance. When the first D-Day occured, I simply packed up my things, left the OW a letter, change my cell phone number and went back home to my wife and family.

 

Later that day (when OW got home from work and found out I was gone) my cell phone rang. Mind you, I had not given another soul the number as yet, and I have been racking my brain ever since trying to figure out how she managed to get my new number.

 

I found out yesterday that she used my SS#, which was on a piece of mail I'd left at her house by accident. She used it, called my wireless provider, and got my new phone number. Needless to say, I was quite bothered by what she did. A large majority of the trust I had placed in her went down the drain. I had never been dishonest with her, and wondered why on earth she would do that to me. In the end, she chalked it up to desparation, and the fact that she wanted so badly to contact me, that she was willing to do whatever was necessary to get my information.

 

She picked me up from work yesterday and we went to dinner. Our conversations turned from the present situation, to the fact that I could not continue seeing her. By th end of dinner, I had told her once again that there could be no contact between us. I expressed to her the fact that I could not give 100% of my effort to my marriage with her in my life. She had to go. . . .for good.

 

Yes, she cried. . talked about how she'd never love anyone else. . . .about how she couldn't live without me. However this time, her comments didn't seem to affect me the way it did previously. When she finally pulled in front of my house, I said goodbye, gathered my things and left the car. She was crying, but I didn't look back. I went inside and told my wife.

 

It's been less than 24 hours since then, and I don't feel so bad right now. I do not know how long this is going to lass. Honestly, I am fearful of the coming withdrawal turmoil I will feel. I don't know how I will react once the dust settles and I begin to remember. . . . have memories. . . see images in my head that are hard to erase. I'm not sure I will know how to handle the pain when it eventually does come. . .or those moments when I'm uncertain as to what the future holds, or whether or not I truly made the right decision. I sincerely want my marriage to work. I want to give it the 100% effort it deserves, but I am afraid of the unknown.

 

Is that normal?

[whichwayisup]

Good for you! You did the right thing by ending it, and you already have emotionally detached from the OW as her being UPSET didn't pull at your heart strings. To me, that means you've chosen your wife IN your heart, not only in your brain. Keep doing that...

 

And always be honest with your wife. IF the OW still tries to contact you, then let your wife know.

 

The fact the OW invaded your privacy just shows what lengths she will go through to get your attention. She could try again in the future too, but hopefully she will respect your wishes...

 

You have to now give yourself a break. What I mean is, stop thinking so much and just take things slowly at home. Don't think too far ahead, deal with the present only. You nor your wife can control the future, but together you both can try your best to make the marriage work.

 

Good luck!

[pkjazz]

Hey Whichway,

 

You know those emotions I was telling you would pop up? Well. . .they've kind of started sneaking up on me. I'm at work right now, trying to get through my day without thinking back to all that happened last night. I'm trying to keep my mind on the tasks at hand instead of replaying everything that happened. For some reason, I cannot seem to get her face out of my mind. . . the way it was last night as I was leaving the car and she was crying. That is what bothers me most of all.

 

I know I am probably going to be dealing with these types of feelings for a while. Maybe I'll feel better when my wife and I move this weekend. I won't have to wonder I'll see her driving down my street, or parked outside my door. I will be in a different environment, and perhaps that will be enough to give me the strength I need to get through this.

 

I can see now, that I am going to start having to take things a day at a time instead of thinking of the big picture. The feelings of withdrawal that left when I began to contact the OW again seem to be slowly creeping back up and settling in the pit of my stomach. I knew they would. . . I just didn't know when.

 

I'm looking forward to spending some quality alone time with my wife this weekend. We're supposed to be leaving the kids with her grandmother and going out on Saturday night. Maybe that will make me feel better and start to restore some of the feeling I once had for my wife. Honestly, I guess only time will tell.

 

I'm doing my best to stay strong.

[whichwayisup]

Take it day by day. Allow yourself to grieve the OW but know that you have to go through the stages to get over her. Right or wrong, she DID have an impact on you. The heart feels what it does sometimes, so with that being said, try to keep busier.

 

Eventually as time goes on, you'll feel less and less, especially not hearing or seeing the OW anymore, it will get easier. Just try to focus that energy INTO your family too. Your kids are a wonderful distraction. They'll keep you busy!

 

Restoring the feelings for you wife. True, you DO have to do that. The thing is, you DO love your wife, it's just you allowed yourself to become very emotionally attached to someone else - That attachment has to go away before you can open up your heart again for your wife. I'm sure this is the pain and knowledge your wife has to deal with, and it's not easy on her.

 

Please read some of the other threads, DazednConfused (wife made stupid mistake) maybe reading his thread will give you some insight on what your wife is feeling and what YOU have to do to get things back on track. It's a long thread, but worth the read. (Do a search on his member name and it should come up. If not, I'll find the link and post it for you.)

 

Have a nice time with your wife. Make it light and FUN. Recapture the fun of the relationship, laugh and just let things happen as they do.

 

In the meantime, when the thoughts of the OW creep into your head, PUSH them out. The less you think of her, the less you'll feel and eventually the less you'll care and worry how she is feeling. Your number one priority is your wife and her feelings. NOT the other woman. And don't feel bad about ignoring the OW if she calls you. You HAVE to follow through on your promises, not to see/talk to her ever again.

 

Stay strong, keep busy.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

There's the link to Dazed's thread. Maybe print it out cuz it is long!

[greenshift]

It's normal to think of the OW; it'll be happening for awhile. This is like quitting smoking; you just have to do it, and focus on breathing in and out, one foot in front of the other. Don't work yourself into a fit by worrying too much about what's going to happen this afternoon, or tomorrow, or the next day. Just focus on the task at hand - work, driving, eating, whatever.

 

She'll be okay - really. If you get an email from her (and I'd be very surprised if you don't) - DO NOT READ IT. It won't make anything better for either of you! Her feelings are not your problem, and making it your problem out of some sense of compassion and empathy will only further damage your relationship with your wife and make it easier and more tempting to slip back into old habits.

 

Stick with it. You're heading in the right direction. And, like I said before, when you want to talk to her, talk to your wife instead. She wants to help you, and she knows what you're going through.

[Guest]

Hey Greenshift,

 

She's truly an amazing woman, though I probably don't tell her as much as I should.

 

 

THEN TELL HER & TELL HER VERY OFTEN! Sorry, But I cant stress that enough. It will make her feel better, and in the long run it will make you feel better.

 

A man can never over-compliment a woman unless what he says is not true. IMO.

[greenshift]

A man can never over-compliment a woman unless what he says is not true. IMO.

 

I disagree. While I think it's great to tell your spouse what you love about them, too much of this can erode mutual respect in the relationship, especially when the target of your compliments has self-esteem issues. It goes like: I don't like me. He likes me. Therefore, he must not be worth liking, since he wastes his time on someone like me. So, I don't like him, either.

 

Twisted, but it's human nature.

 

Still, in this case, telling her how incredible she is would probably be a good idea. All things (well, most things) in moderation.

[pkjazz]

I'm not really sure how to begin, other than to say that this weekend was a bag of mixed emotions for me. Although I was able to function and complete the tasks required of me on moving day, my mind was in turmoil. Part of me was joyful over the fact that my wife and I were beginning a new chapter in our lives. We were moving to a better neighborhood, a bigger apartment with just about everything would ever need. I suppose I should be happy that we are finally making progress as a family, and will continue to over the course of the next few months.

 

Yet, the OW kept knawing at my brain. I missed/miss her so desperately. My wife asked me yesterday multiple times what was wrong. . . if fI was okay. I didn't exactly tell her the whole truth. Mostly because I didn't know how. How do you tell your wife that you miss the OW as intensely as I do? How do you tell your wife who has been so supportive of you, that you want so badly to be in the arms of the OW. Psychologically, I think I actually realized for the first time that it is finally over between the OW and I. Yes, the finally D-Day did happen last Wednesday, and I've maintained no contact since then. But could it be that my heart did not catch up with my mind until now? Could it have taken me this long to start the mourning process? I'm not sure. I just know that it hurts. It's been hurting off and on all weekend.

 

I realized something also this weekend that I should probably tell my wife and some point. I had an opportunity to tell her yesterday when we had some time to ourselves. I don't think I knew how at that point. Either that, or I just wasn't ready to accept it. I realized that in the times when I am not hurting, I am better able to respond and relate to my wife. I am more receptive to her affection and actually find myself sometimes wanting to spend time with her. On the other hand when I am hurting, I just want to be left alone. Not just from my wife. . . .but from everyone. Perhaps it isn't best for me to be alone at those times, but I suppose that's just how I choose to grieve. Though it might seem a bit selfish on my part, no one really knows what happened between the OW and I, and I do not think anyone else could understand how I'm feeling. Perhaps its wrong for me to feel this way, but that's what's been going on in my mind.

 

The more I think about how things are now between my wife and I. . . the conversations we've had over the past few days, I realize that it is incredibly difficult for me to accept the status quo. The every day routine that everyone must sometimes endure as a part of life. My interactions with OW were always exciting and fresh. I think that what I am feeling now, and have felt over the course of the weekend was simply me coming off of the "high" of the relationship. Almost like coming back home from a long, wonderful vacation and facing the idea that one must return to work come Monday morning. There is a certain sense of sadness that one encounters when they realize that 'life' must resume as it always has. The excitement of the moment is temporary.

 

Another problem I feel I am having has to do with changing how I see my wife. I am having a hard time accepting the notion that my wife is, in fact a better person that I have been accustomed to. Deep inside, I think I expect her to react to me the way she always has. . . distant. . .cold, and uncaring. As strange as it might sound, I almost think I'd feel more comfortable with her if she acting this way. I know this idea is probably the craziest in the world, but perhaps my mind and heart are having a difficult time letting go what they have always experienced, even if what they are currently being exposed to is far better. (gosh, I hope that makes sense)

 

I have got to find a way to stay busy. Boredom will probably be the biggest set back for me during this time. I've grown into the type of person that does not like to sit stagnant and not accomplish anything. Even if it's no more than writing in my journal, I have to feel like I've done something other than go to work and come home. I want my life to consist of more than that.

 

My wife and I have talked about getting a dog sometime in the near future. I've always wanted one as a kid, and I guess that carried over into my adult life. We're considering getting a puppy that will grow up with our children. I'm doing research on dogs that get along well with children, and are also hypo-allergenic because my son has asthma. (any suggestions??) I'm actually looking forward to it. We probably won't get one until late spring, but the idea itself is refreshing.

 

Meanwhile, I am going to try and work harder at opening up to my wife. I must admit it's hard as hell sometimes. Not because of anything she's doing wrong, but because of the fact that I am afraid of becoming vulnerable to her again. I fear opening up to her, actually becoming as "into" her as I was previously, and then getting hurt again without a leg to stand on. She tells me that things are different, but I can't help but feel like we're falling back into the same routine we've always had. Perhaps things will get better with time. I know I can't expect change overnight. I'm not normally an impatient person, so I guess I should put that into practice now.

 

All in all I know I did the right thing, however hard it might be. That is what has been getting me through the past five days. I'll continue totake it a day at a time and try and fill my world with things to keep my attention. I suppose that's all I can do.

[RecordProducer]

All you wrote makes a lot of sense and speaks of a very intelligent person. Keep in mind that your wife is reading your posts so there is no such thing as "I can't tell my wife this..." if you have written it here. She knows now that you miss the OW.

 

I totally understand this feeling of getting off the high. I kinda feel the same right now: married life is different from dating. Especially the first year of dating. No marriage counseling or self-help books can bring all the juices back...

 

I think a dog would only bring more routine obligations into your life and in that sense you will feel even more suffocated and "tied" with responsibilities. At least that's how I felt when I had dogs, despite of the love I felt for them. Dogs, just like children, require a lot of sacrifice. You need to walk them 3 times a day (one walk has to be long), every day, no matter what the weather is like. When it's rainy, you have to clean their legs if you want to let them in the house. When they are puppies you have to clean their poop and piss a few times a day for a few months until they learn to do it only outside. A dog I had used to do it for 10 months in the house (can you imagine the pile of a big rottweiller?) I also had another female rottweiller who was very sweet and good.

 

Then you have to think of a place where they will stay when you travel or bring the dog with you (forget about hotels in that case!). Dogs are also expensive - food, vaccines, and vets (some dogs get sick often) are not free, not to mention the damage they cause in the house in the first few months by biting everything - the furniture, shoes, toys...

 

If you buy a dog, make sure your wife agrees to share all these obligations with you, because they can be frustrating.

[greenshift]

Perhaps its wrong for me to feel this way, but that's what's been going on in my mind.

 

Okay, first things first: feelings aren't wrong, or right, or good, or bad - they're just feelings and we have very little control over them. We can only control our actions and your actions over the past week have been stellar. So stop beating yourself up about how you feel.

 

It's also normal for you to miss the OW as much as you do at this point. The quickest way for you to get through this is to continue not talking to her - I know that sucks, but if you speak to her, listen to her voicemails, read her emails, it's just going to put you back at square one. And, I sincerely hope you remember how much THAT sucked. So, no contact - if you feel you're in danger of talking to her, call someone. A friend, your wife, anyone. You don't have to give them all the details of the situation, but don't sit alone and drive yourself insane running mental circles around the idea of calling her.

 

You're obviously an intelligent guy - which also means you can rationalize anything. Be careful, and don't let your subconscious and your pain talk you back into doing something you've vowed not to do. It'll hurt you, and both women, too much.

 

Now: you need to break up your routine! Go bowling! Go for a walk in the park. Take the kids camping (not sure how old they are), or just take your wife camping. Buy a jigsaw puzzle or a Scrabble set. Try to establish some new traditions (family game night - I know it sounds lame, but it can be fun. And I'm not even 30, so I still have an idea of what's cool). Take turns making dinner, try and make something new a few nights a week.

 

Do *something*. Journaling is great - keep it up, it's very cathartic. But you need to do something to ensure that you two don't fall into the same rut that you were in before. Get to know aspects of each others' personalities you haven't explored yet.

 

I know all of this is vague; the real point is to pick something and do it and, one day soon, you'll be over this to the point where you wonder why it ever bothered you.

 

Hang in there.

 

ps.

 

Tell your wife how you're feeling. I'd leave out the "long to be in her arms" part, but just that you're hurting. You can't really afford to shut her out at this point.

 

Also, what you said about getting along with your wife better when you're not hurting - that's normal. Think of a kid who has just been denied permission to watch an incredibly vioent scifi movie on TV. They'll kick, scream, cry, and be totally unreasonable and unreachable until half an hour later when they're magically better. You're not a kid, but we all have these tendencies on some level.

[pkjazz]

Hey Green,

 

I suppose journaling would be a good idea. I think part of the probelm is the fact that I have to somehow make time for all these things. I know that might seem like a pretty lame excuse, but it's the truth. Between the kids, work, and the regular activities I find myself engaging in from day to day, its difficult to add other tasks that I actually enjoy doing.

 

On a good note though, as the day progressed, I was able to concentrate more on the tasks at hand, and not so much on how much I missed the OW. Th aching lump in the pit of my stomach seemed to dissipate somewhat as the day became more and more hectic. I didn't really think of her again until I boarded the bus on my way home. As I said earlier, these feelings hit me the worst when I have nothing to occupy my time and energy. Those moments when she enters my mind at work, I can usually combat the feeling by putting on some music while I work.

 

I know this will be a day by day process. I am learning more about myself as I struggle to work past this hiccup in my life.

 

Tomorrow is another day. I suppose we'll see how it goes.

[greenshift]

That's good; you're doing well, it seems.

 

But, don't be surprised when she tries to contact you again. Be prepared to suck it up and ignore the attempt. It's easier if you're prepared.

 

Journal: how long is your bus ride? Seems like a good time for it. And, no, "no time" isn't a lame excuse, but you need to find the pockets of five and ten minutes at a time that you can recapture.

 

Breaking up the routine: not sure about where you are, but our weather is been fantastic lately. How about a picnic with your wife and the kids this weekend, or for lunch during the week? (hint: if she's the one that usually cooks, you should make sandwhiches and stuff. Not only is it a nice gesture, I've found that cooking and working with my hands is great therapy.)