I messed up soooooooooooooo bad!!!!

[ConfusedGal]

I have written this before, but I REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY need encouragement or advice from you guys. PLEASE!!! I am 27, an attorney and pretty much forced my husband to pursue an opportunity through his company in another state, so we could move. (Northeast to midwest!) Reason. I wanted to live far away from my overbearing folks, who we have had too many marital difficulties over... Problem...I had a connection in the state we are moving to, and was pretty positive he could get me job...Problem, he didnt! So now we are stuck moving to another state, cause my husband has accepted this position and it would look too bad to turn it down (it is a promotion through his current company.) Problem... I cant believe how bloody stupid I was for pushing him cause I thought we would be "personally happier." I am a first year attorney, with less than a year of experience. I make 120k a year, and for some reason, decided we should chuck that up so I could move away from my family... And the market out there is NOT Good for people at my level...This means, we could have to stay apart for an indefinite amount of time until I find a job....

 

I cant believe what a mistake I made, and there is NO TURNING BACK NOW!!!! And I am driving my husband crazy....Telling him to turn it down, and tell him I am more scared than I have ever been in my life...He tells me IT WAS YOUR DECISION! NOW WE HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT!!!! I cant handle it.... I keep freaking out and today he said I have messed up his life enough...Holy crap. I dont think I have EVER been in such a scary situation in my life..... Any encouraging words or any advice would be helpful. I cant even tell you how alone and scared I am feeling... And how bloody stupid...

[TUDOR]

Look into the surrounding DA's offices where you are going. They certainly won't be paying the salary you were getting but it is a good long term move as an attorney. First years rarely get any trial experience but as an ADA you will get plenty. A year or two at sub par salary getting that kind of experience can take you a long way as attorney in the long haul.

 

DA offices usually have a fair amount of turn over and there is good shot they would be happy to have you. But your right, finding what you had as a first year will not be easy and you weil have to do a lot of networking. So if you are willing to take a pay cut I would suggest the DA's office. Not to mention if you ever have plans to go out on your own the trial experience and learning the inner workings of the DA's office can be invaluable.

[michelangelo]

while you find suitable employment a a lawyer.

 

yeah, it was silly to insist he get a job there and you not have one.

 

Is the cost of living less?

 

Maybe you should not concentrate on matching the income you had back east.

 

You're only 27, you'll make it back later.

[AJS]

Can't you live off of his income until you find a job there? Have you tried looking for a job there yourself? We posted to each other before about your parents. I think you are stressing out over all of it so much, you need to stop, get your head together and handle the situation. Don't keep fighting with your H, it's not going to help either of you. Now take a deep breath, kiss your H, tell him you love him, and start looking online for a job there.

 

I know...easier said than done.

[ConfusedGal]

The cost of living is much less. We are moving to MN. And I dont do trial work. I am a patent attorney. Yes, I cant believe the degree of my stupidity...I kept saying "Personal happiness is more important than anything!" because we were always having issues due to my parents who live here....Well...I took for granted that I HAD a job lined up there cause this firm gave me those signals, but now it turns out they have no openings...I am SO miserable...I cant even believe what I did... And i am driving my husband nuts...I even asked him if he could turn it around and tell them he couldnt accept the job due to a massive family emergency which did not permit him to move...He said, it would look terrible and they would think he had zero accountability... I feel like blasting a bullet through my head. I havent eaten and have lost 6 pounds in two weeks, I am so messed up...And the market there is just not good for someone at my level... I am SO scared...I SO wish I could turn the clock back...Decisions like this SHOULD BE REVERSIBLE!!!

[ConfusedGal]

I can live off of his income but it would be so risky for me to just quit without a job when I have under a year of experience... AJS, I know you gave me advice before. I dont know whats wrong with me, but I feel like its the end of the world, and I have made my biggest mistake EVER....

[bluechocolate]

Decisions like this SHOULD BE REVERSIBLE!!!

 

They are of course, but your husband is right. It never looks good to apply for a promotion from within & then turn it down. It will never be offered again. He may as well quit altogether & work for someone else.

 

I'm surprised that as a lawyer you didn't think that, whatever the signals, you don't have the job until you sign the contract, but just because that firm has no openings now it doesn't mean they won't in the future.

 

What's done is done, but it is not the end of the world. Your continually freaking out about it to your husband is only going to make matters worse & drive him away. No doubt he's in turmoil too.

[michelangelo]

and be laughing about it within a year.

 

This is not the end of the world.

 

See at a freeing moment. Recognize your goofy side needs reining in from time to time.

 

But don't destroy your H's career because you think you've destroyed yours.

 

BTW, there is no way you've destroyed your career just yet.

 

You will find something.

[Kenyth]

You can always find work. You just have to start at the bottom again if necessary. I moved to a new area, out of a job I didn't like anymore. I had to start making less, but after five years, I'm making a lot more, doing more of what I like to do, with a lot less worry and stress, and more stability. My initial circumstances were worse, but my long term position is now much better! Think of it as an investment in the future, and a career adventure. If you didn't necessarily love working with patents, but stayed for the pay, take this opportunity to shift into another facet of law practice.

[ConfusedGal]

OK, so at work hubby has taken a few extra days to rethink our decision...So we actually DO have a chance to think about it...Meanwhile, a small firm is interested in me there but potentially the salary could be 40k less... But I dont even have that job but they want me for a second interview... Do we stay safe and stay here?? They told him he will definitely be the next person to get promoted here if he stays... We will be "safe" here career wise and financially...OR do we take a big chance?? Go and potentially have it be great or regret it?? WILL we able to be happy here or will we KEEP dealing with issues from my parents and WISH we would taken less money and gone away?? I dont know!!! I wish answers like this fell from the sky....So its logic (stay) vs. taking a chance...WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

[bluechocolate]

...WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

 

I would take the chance. Then again I relish change.

 

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate why you wanted to leave in the first place? Has that situation changed?

 

I'm starting to feel really sorry for your husband.

[37andConfused]

The 50 and 60 year olds who worked at Enron and lost their life savings - now THEY had a right to freak out about the future. You're only 27. If something doesn't work out this year, it might work out in a few months or maybe even next year. Start with something lower paying now, but keep your skills fresh with a job in your line of work.

 

You might get a higher paying job down the road, and your net loss might only be a couple thousand dollars. Worst case, you move back in a year or two after you've had a change of perspective professionally and personally.

 

I own a company with about 20 employees. We were 4 employees 2 years ago, so our growth has been exponential over the last 2 years. You better believe that I sweated bullets before I hired every extra person. I didn't want to hire them and fire them if I couldn't pay them. Guess what - almost ALWAYS something happens for the better and I have NEVER EVER had to look back with regret.

 

Every financial decision I make every day affects 20 different families' paychecks, including mine. But you know what, I make a decision and act on it. Then I sit back and see how it plays out. If it doesn't work out for the better, I reverse it.

 

Life has a way of delivering surprises when you least expect it. Sounds like a cliche, but it's not. Now just go with the flow, do your move and see what plays out over the next year or so.

[whichwayisup]

Don't let fear and change rule your choice for not going. Ofcourse it is scary! Everything you're comfy with is where you are! The thing is, as scared as you may be feeling, this could be the best thing for you and your family.

 

Talk with your husband, do a list together. Reasons to move, reasons to stay. Be honest, objective and fair. Then see how both of you feel afterwards.

 

Good luck and try not to freak out about it. Nothing is carved in stone, and even if a move is made, it doesn't have to be perminate.

[Becoming]

Don't let fear and change rule your choice for not going. Ofcourse it is scary! Everything you're comfy with is where you are! The thing is, as scared as you may be feeling, this could be the best thing for you and your family.

 

Talk with your husband, do a list together. Reasons to move, reasons to stay. Be honest, objective and fair. Then see how both of you feel afterwards.

 

Good luck and try not to freak out about it. Nothing is carved in stone, and even if a move is made, it doesn't have to be perminate.

 

 

Good idea with the list thing. You can weigh how important each factor is for each of you as well to get an even better indicator.

 

But the reason why you wanted to move in the first place is because your parents are driving you nuts and you felt like you needed to get away, to establish independence.

 

You're gonna have to stop running from all your fear and decide instead on a positive direction for the life YOU want.

[ConfusedGal]

Right now our minds are so muddled with confusion that we dont know which direction to go in.... I visualize us having issues with my folks for my entire life, and its scary...I visualize me taking a potentially huge step down in my career and it scares me... There needs to be a clear answer and there isnt!! I can think of pros and cons to both situations. I think we could potentially deal with the parent issue by saying THEY WONT CHANGE, and therefore, we will pretend they are blabbering idiots and just ignore their bull. We need to do that as a TEAM though. We need to be on the same page...If I decide to ignore, and HE continues with just getting pissed off all the time, it doesnt work..You see?? And he says he cant be nonconfrontational all the time... But then if we go, like a said, potentially big career stepdown. It would take me 5 years to make it to where I am now...

[whichwayisup]

Ofcourse your folks won't change! And don't expect them to either. What you and your husband HAVE to do is change your ways of handling them, dealing and reacting to what they say/do to you. It isn't easy, but to survive family crap, you gotta just set up boundries and rules. Stick to them.

 

Don't confront them, there is no point in doing that and will only add fuel to the fire. They are older and set in their ways, so to make the peace, let go of ego and detach abit...Does it really matter???? Think about it.

 

If you are leaving because of your folks, that problem WILL NOT GO AWAY.

[michelangelo]

Because you thought there was a job there or because you can't deal with your parents?

 

What exactly is it that they do?

 

Do you do this lind of decisionmaking in all aspects of your life?

 

That is what would be stressful!

 

 

You have a shot at an adventure and new opportunities that you already put in place.

 

My goodness, you are only 27! You worry like someone who thinks they are ruining their life with no chance to have success based on this move.

 

Yeah, $120K is darn good for 27, but maybe $40K less is the equivalent in your new town.

 

Think housing costs, etc. Are they lower?

 

But getting back to the original decision and ignoring for the moment your husband accepting a new job based on your wish to avoid your folks.

 

How come you can't just ignore them and be in the same city?

 

Can't you use the two-hour rule?

 

You know, live two hours away from them. as in putting your employer between you and them.

 

How exactly are they disturbing your life?

[ConfusedGal]

How they are disturbing my life is a long story....They don't like my husband and always make indirect comments to me about him and also make comments to him all the time that are really hurtful. Then if he responds, it turns into a HUGE drama and Mom "falls sick" and if I tell her what she does is wrong it falls into "You have been brainwashed." My Dad is an idiot who just follows whatever Mom says. Mom is a maassive drama queen who will start howling and crying because apparently "I dont hug her enough" or "I am not her friend like 'before'" (before indicating before marriage.) They ahve unreaslistic expectations of me, and dont let me grow up. Actually, my mom doesnt want me to grow up.She thinks my husband has ruined her life and she has done so much for him (she buys gifts to buy affections) and he disrespects her by every now and then sticking up for himself. I know they will never change and tell hubby there is no use in confrontation...He refuses to not confront...Problem, I get sucked into the entire drama...Mom saying "You are the only thing I have in my life" blah blah. Basically, I am divided. This is why I wanted to get away in the first place...but is that the answer?

[michelangelo]

I'm thinking that stay or go, your mom is going to react as she does.

 

The only thing you can do is not engage in the drama.

 

Next time she does it, tell her you're leaving (presuming you are at her house). Then do it.

 

and tell her you won't tolerate it, won't even discuss it.

 

If you stick to this mode, you can be 5 minutes away or 5,00 miles away.

 

You don't have to be a hostage to her behavior.

 

If she is so wrapped up in you as her reason for living, address that with her. Her responsibility was in launching you as an adult. Tell her she's done that.

 

Your responsibility towards her is to respect her and have her in your life if she can behave rationally towards you and your husband.

 

If she drives a wedge between you and your huband, point out that she is the one who will lose contact with you, not your husband.

 

Personally, i think moving has agitated you more about separating from your mom than about the job.

 

You need to extricate yourself from her influence. You know it, but have yor inner child feeling guilty about leaving your mom.

[ConfusedGal]

Removing myself from her was one main reason I wanted to move. I dont want the resposibility of taking care of her all the time. She has bad osteoporosis and my dad has told me "If you dont love your mom enough, her back will break. Its your responsibilty." THey see no logic. If I "walk out" it doesnt matter. They wont learn. It will still be "brainwash" and next thing mom will be in the hospital. And the bad part is she really WILL be. Her blood pressure SHOOTS at the slightest stress and she is very weak. So this is what I wanted to get away from. I couldnt deal with the fact that she will never change. If I am NEVER appreciated for what I do for them, why the hell am I around? You are right. This was the driving factor for pushing the move from my end... I cant tolerate that behavior all the time. The "poor mommy loves you soooooooooooo much" behavior...Its disturbing.