blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 That being said,..i don't know what an alternative solution may be,..i just think that therapy is may not be the only solution,...unfortunately we live in a society where the establishement tells us we can fix everything by either drugs or therapy. Again, the way people act and react is a complicated matter that has to do with factors that are uncountable. True, your ex lost it,..but i'm not your ex. But i appreciate the heads up, I DEFINATELY DO NOT WANT TO TURN INTO THE CRAZY STALKER,..with the grace of God I won't. I disagree with most of your post. I know you're not my ex, I was relating to you what can happen in the most extreme cases. I am having a hard time understanding what you want from posting this, as people have made suggestions, you reject them saying you think there's another way, but have no idea what this way may be. I think you're afraid of therapy, personally. It's a common problem. I am alive because of therapy, since I have severe PTSD and rape trauma syndrome. I value it, definately don't think it's for everyone. Usually it's helpful to have an objective party help you sort out thoughts that make sense, and thoughts that don't -- and the easiest way to do this, of course, is to pay someone who had the 6+ years of training to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 So hopefully after moving totally this will be a complete break,..cause right now i still see her every once in a while. What do you then when you find yourself in a similar situation? ('cause you will you know) Move away again? I don't think you're saying that you are moving away just so you don't see her anymore (at least I hope not). I just don't think you should get your hopes up that moving is going to solve your problem. You need to learn how to deal with this here & now and in my opinion the first step will be realising that she doesn't hold any answers for you. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Anybody know how to find out what someone thinks?? lol, ...if i could just find out what she felt. By the way,..she asked me to marry her,..and I missed my chance,...if I could go back i'd marry her in a second. If you need closure, go find her and ask her. If you can't get over her, you need Counseling, plain and simple. You don't regret not marrying her, that's time playing tricks on you. If you were ready then, if it conditions were right, you would have married her. Now that your life is different you are regretting not doing so. You're living your life in the past, which means your future is passing you by. You will never meet another woman until you close the book on your ex. One way or another, either asking her yourself or going to Counseling, you need to get on with your life. And no, we're not harsh, we're just not sugarcoating our advice. LS is not a place to come to if you want to get all the answers you'd like to hear versus NEED to hear. It's a place to help you heal that often includes tough love. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Geez I thought I was obsessive...this takes the prize.... Seriously dude, step back a minute! Everyone has given you the best advice imaginable. Quite frankly even if you went to a therapist I wouldn't imagine they would tell you anything other than 'THIS IS NOT about the girl but ABOUT YOU!" That's what you facing now. I would never suggest you approach her after this amount of time. She'll think you have emotional problems and that's freaky. I mean reverse the situation, if a girl you knew and broke up with was obsessing over you...wouldn't you question their mental stability. I'm not saying not to see a therapist but the issue you need to deal with is about letting go...this is way deeper than the girl. THIS AIN'T LOVE. And most like if you don't confront what is happening to you now..this problem will resurface elsewhere! Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Ok assuming you guys are correct. How does one go about finding a couselor?? IS there a specific type of counselor I should go to?? Also, i find it hard to talk about this type of stuff because by nature I am a shy person, and i believe in controlling private information. I guess you guys are giving me some objective advice,...a much more dire diagnosis than i gave myself,..but its helpful. Also Caliguy,...I was actually hinging on another relationship to help me out, especially since I'm young and that was my first real relationship,....so its a scary thought that I may not having a good relationship with in the future without therapy first...ohh, that sounds bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 LOL,..ok i guess its consensus that I need therapy. I'll look into it. This is weird though because I'm a pretty sane/normal guy. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Ok assuming you guys are correct. How does one go about finding a couselor?? IS there a specific type of counselor I should go to?? Also, i find it hard to talk about this type of stuff because by nature I am a shy person, and i believe in controlling private information. I guess you guys are giving me some objective advice,...a much more dire diagnosis than i gave myself,..but its helpful. Also Caliguy,...I was actually hinging on another relationship to help me out, especially since I'm young and that was my first real relationship,....so its a scary thought that I may not having a good relationship with in the future without therapy first...ohh, that sounds bad. There's lots of information available about finding a therapist. Psychology TOday online has profiles of therapists as well as how to go about selecting one. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 LOL,..ok i guess its consensus that I need therapy. I'll look into it. This is weird though because I'm a pretty sane/normal guy. What exactly do you think therapy is for? And is everyone in therapy so wacked out that they aren't functional? Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Or ask your own family doctor...they'll refer you, or give you a list of them. Or you could try the (ta-da!) phone book. (Smile) Wherever you find one, I'm very happy that you made the decision. It's probably the best thing -the kindest thing- that you have done for yourself in a long time. Again, -you're on the right track. P.S. And Blind Otter has a very good point: therapy is for anyone, -all you have to be is deeply, deeply hurt or find yourself stuck in a 'go-nowhere' zone to need the help of a therapist. And the shoe seems to fit. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 You're a young guy, so sorting this out now will save you from a lot of heartache & broken relationships in the future. It also means that it will probably get solved pretty quick. Sometimes a therapist just gives you a great big A-HA moment & everything starts to fall into place. Are you still in school? Most schools, colleges & universities have staff who deal with these issues and/or can refer you to the most appropriate people. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I think caliguy is right suggesting that he just needs to ask her how she feels and get it over with. I doubt she still has feelings for him, but he is obsessed to know if she does or not and that's the only way he'll get over the obsessing...unless he goes to therapy forever and still in the back of his head will always wonder what she's feeling towards him. Give her a final phone call or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Strawberrytallcake Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 What? Are you actually advising him to obsess further? How long is obsession appropriate? Like 5 years? How much more of his life should be wasted on this? grumble. feh. meeeeeh. no, of course not - what I am saying is that when ever this person comes to mind instead of thinking "what if" think "this is why not" It shuts the "what if" thoughts down. I mean this was a meaningful, first love relationship that memories will last from, and seeing each other from time to time will bring back memories. So whenever these thoughts pop up - remember why it didn't work and shut those "what if" thoughts down. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hi, he is obsessed to know if she does or not and that's the only way he'll get over the obsessing...unless he goes to therapy forever and still in the back of his head will always wonder I agree. I don't think therapy is going to help him. He has to resolve those feelings first. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Ariadne and Hotcaligirl, I don't think thats an option. Like some people mentioned before,..its way too creepy for me to ask her anything now, I've been playing as though i've moved on,.....plus I have way too much pride to put myself in a position of being seen as this obsessed person. And plus, i don't think I wanna know badly enough to swallow my pride and ask about,..its just something that would be really good to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 What exactly do you think therapy is for? And is everyone in therapy so wacked out that they aren't functional? Thats the point, i'm not sure what therapy is for or how it would help me specifically,..maybe thats why i'm resistant to it. But also it seemed like you were recommending therapy for me inorder to avert some kind of inevitable psycho-episode if i didn't do therapy,..thats why i said i was pretty sane/normal. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Ok assuming you guys are correct. How does one go about finding a couselor?? IS there a specific type of counselor I should go to?? Also, i find it hard to talk about this type of stuff because by nature I am a shy person, and i believe in controlling private information. I guess you guys are giving me some objective advice,...a much more dire diagnosis than i gave myself,..but its helpful. Also Caliguy,...I was actually hinging on another relationship to help me out, especially since I'm young and that was my first real relationship,....so its a scary thought that I may not having a good relationship with in the future without therapy first...ohh, that sounds bad. Get to a Counselor. Ask your insurance provider for one. I have a good one that I go when I need her. Lately I haven't but I might go see her just to give her an update and let her know what's been going on. Since you are young, it's good to get your issues resolved now or they will fester throughout your life. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Thats the point, i'm not sure what therapy is for or how it would help me specifically,..maybe thats why i'm resistant to it. You don't need therapy, you need Counseling. There is a difference. You need to talk to someone who understands where you are coming from and can help give you some insight into how to let it go. But also it seemed like you were recommending therapy for me inorder to avert some kind of inevitable psycho-episode if i didn't do therapy,..thats why i said i was pretty sane/normal. If you don't let go of her, you will never be able to meet someone else and be happy. See, that's what we ALL struggle with here. Truly letting go. I suspect you need to work on your confidence and self-esteem as those are usually lacking and are the root causes of why we hang on so long to people who don't love/want us. And lacking in both effects you in many more aspects than just a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Caliguy,..I see what you're saying,..and when put THAT way,..I'd have to agree with you wholeheartedly. Trying to be objective I can see how I have self-esteem and confidence problems, I never tied the two together. Ok, so how do I specify that I want a counselor and not a therapist,...is their something that separates the two? And i have to agree also that the issue here is Letting go... About the confidence/self-esteem,...what do you think some of the solutions for that are?? Just briefly,..i'm curious to hear your thoughts on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hi, And plus, i don't think I wanna know badly enough to swallow my pride and ask about,..its just something that would be really good to know. You should be proud to do a good job, or the best job that you can, or to be an honest person. I don't see any lack of pride to ask someone a question that you need to know. If anything you'll be true to yourself. You don't have to be a stalker, just ask her next time you see her. Ok, she may be tell you, get away creep! In that case, that's not your problem. Some people are just that crazy. And you'll have your answer. Good luck either way, Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
pandnh4 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 as it's been said before, therapy is for anyone... take a moment to read this story... i was in a relationship over a year ago that had gotten out of hand: our behavior towards each other, communication breakdown, insecurities, etc... my gf at the time started seeking help from a therapist to work on what she thought was a drinking problem and low willpower... well the therapist helped her uncover other issues about herself and her insecurities as well as issues with the relationship... this therapist recommended that we go to couples counseling... when my gf brought this up to me, i was so reluctant, thinking to myself, there's nothing wrong with me, i'm not crazy... and i'm not, but i did have issues to which i refused to admit... eventually my gf at the time left me because things were not getting better between us... i was stonewalling, blaming her for the issues, and not taking proper responsibility... when she left me i was devastated and needed support so only then did i start seeing a therapist and low and behold, so much became clear to me... i slowly began trusting his advice, guidance, and wisdom, and now sincerely think he is one of the most brilliant and insighful people i know... almost a year later i had similar issues with my most recent gf, except the other way around... i was still seeing my therapist about once a month but some issues with communication with my ex began to surface... yeah i made some mistakes in this past relationship too but i'm working on them... when i proposed couples therapy to her, same reaction that i had once given... she said no, there's nothing wrong with her, couples therapy is only for married couples, etc... i kept trying to make things work, to the point of desperation, until she finally gave up and left... again, heartbreak for me, but you know what, in time my therapist is helping me see that she had serious issues (although he will not diagnose her or make too precise comments about her)... the point is therapy will give you a bird's eye perspective on your life... it will help you see what issues there are with you and with those that surround you... try it out, you don't have to commit to any one therapist, nor do you need to go every week... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Caliguy,..I see what you're saying,..and when put THAT way,..I'd have to agree with you wholeheartedly. Trying to be objective I can see how I have self-esteem and confidence problems, I never tied the two together. Ok, so how do I specify that I want a counselor and not a therapist,...is their something that separates the two? Tell them you want to speak to a 'family' Counselor. They are usually good at dealing with relationship issues and self-esteem/confidence issues. And i have to agree also that the issue here is Letting go... It is the root cause of why we do not heal. About the confidence/self-esteem,...what do you think some of the solutions for that are?? Just briefly,..i'm curious to hear your thoughts on that. The solution goes hand in hand with letting go. If you are confident in yourself and have healthy self-esteem you will know you will find someone else. Think about all the confident people you know in your life and the attributes they have. Look up confidence in a web search and find some of the traits. Read books on building your confidence and self-esteem. But a Counselor will be able to more accurately handle the root causes of your confidence and self-esteem issues and give you direction as to how to get started. Just guessing, but were you raised by a single mother or were your parents divorced? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scipio Posted March 7, 2006 Author Share Posted March 7, 2006 Just guessing, but were you raised by a single mother or were your parents divorced? No, actually quite the opposite. My parents been married for almost 40 years, come from a large family of 5 kids. But we're a very conservative family with conservative culture(parents were immigrants). Also the culture is strict when it comes to relationships with females. Link to post Share on other sites
Delicaterose00 Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Hey dude..... Its been almost a year for me, and Im still thinking of him every day. I dont dwell on him, but when Im driving and music playing I think of him, when I see stuff that reminds me of him I think of him. I guess the reason I do still think and care about it, is because, he cheated on me, and lied to me a lot toward the end of the relationship and Im mad he gets to be happy with someone and I dont, that someone like him and what he did to me gets to find someone and be happy. Some people say he is ganna back to him, dont worry bout it..but its not happening soon enough! lmao... Im with you dude... Im with you... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 No, actually quite the opposite. My parents been married for almost 40 years, come from a large family of 5 kids. But we're a very conservative family with conservative culture(parents were immigrants). Also the culture is strict when it comes to relationships with females. Ok, well definitely go to Counseling. It will help a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 Ok, well definitely go to Counseling. It will help a lot. Thanks man. Oh, and by the way, I took a gander at your thread earlier. I'm sorry you have to be going through that pain man, really am, I don't have to tell you I know what if feels like. Its also big of you to give advice to others while going through s*** yourself. But if there is any advice I can give,..it is that being strong all the time ain't good either, and plus, it seems like you have atleast somewhat of a relationship with this girl to end things more neatly. I mean her Mom likes you for God sakes!! All i'm saying is if i were you,..i'd maybe try to use that to resolve the issue,...toughing it out isn't always the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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