Double Standards?

[giggless]

I’m new to this…but I have a question, and some unbiased opinions would be great!

 

Last night my bf and I got into a huge argument, which really was kind of stupid…but due to his work he has been traveling for the past month, so we tend to argue over stupid things more…as this distance thing is hard on both of us. Plus we both are dealing with a lot of stress, me with school and work, him with very long work hours.

 

Basically I went to lunch with a male friend of mine yesterday. I had some cd’s of his from a while back, and since we live about an hour apart we met up half way at a mall for lunch, and I gave him his cd’s back….no big deal, didn’t really think much of it.

 

I talk to my bf later on, and as I’m telling him about my day, I mention the lunch. He never said anything about it, so I didn’t think it was a problem. Well….later on in the night, my bf keeps making little references to “my date” earlier that day. I explain to him, no it wasn’t….just a quick lunch…blah blah.

 

Then later on in the night around 11 pm he sends me a text telling me he’s having late dinner with a female. Now, normally I wouldn’t mind if he was catching up with a female friend of his or whatever, BUT he is in a different state where he doesn’t know anybody…..so that would mean he either is with a) somebody random he just met, b) an ex that lives there and I don’t know about or c) a girl from work (which she already made comments like telling him he would make the perfect husband)….so with these things in mind I got jealous, and he could tell by my responses. Then he decides to ignore me for a while….and calls me at 2am (still out) just to see what’s up. By then I was obviously “a little” upset….so after we argue he tells me that he made the whole girl thing up, and he’s out with his buddy…he just wanted to see if I would tolerate him doing the same thing I’m doing, or if there is a double standard!

 

I don’t mind him going out with his female friends at all, but not with random girls he just meets, and that is what I thought he was doing! Also to me, having lunch with a friend is not the same as taking a girl to dinner, and then drinks/dancing till 3 in the morning! Would you say I’m overreacting, because I do tend to get jealous at times…..or do you see my point? If you made it this far…..THANK YOU very much for reading all this…..I know it’s kind of long ....

[Curmudgeon]

He sounds very immature. Game playing has no place in a real relationship.

[giggless]

Thank you for your reply......the fact that he kept up this little game, even after he knew I was getting upset/jealous made it all worse!

[Gia77]

When I was reading ur post I had a feeling your boyfriend lied about the whole thing. Yeah I totally agree with you, lunch with an old friend is one thing. Hanging out till the the next morning with a girl who obviously isnt an old friend is another thing. I'm not sure if your bf was trying to pitch it to you that it would be ok for him to do this, I think he wanted you to understand how he felt. Again I think they were 2 different situations. If you see him getting jealous over silly thing constantly let him know how u feel.

[rude dude]

Remember, he does not KNOW for sure what really happened at this lunch. Just cause you say nothing happened means nothing. (cheaters lie ya know)

 

All he does know is that you took a lot of time and trouble to see this guy.

 

And he wants to know why.

 

Maybe he just said he was taking a girl out to piss you off. Thats not cool on his part and Yes, is a little childish.

 

But if you didn't like it, how do you think he feels

 

P.S. Don't try to justify the time of these dates (you had lunch BUT HE HAD DINNER. Its the same thing. An encounter with a person not your bf/gf.

 

Again, this is from his piont of view.

[giggless]

We talked about it the next day, when the both of us had calmed down (which we should have done in the first place), and it's ok now. See, he is not the jealous/clingy type at all...he's very confident, which is one of the things I find sexy about him. I don't know what happened that night, he might have been jealous (I know I was) but he says he doesn't get jealous....so who knows. The end result of all this is that he's flying me out so we can spend some time together....as this distance thing for this long just SUCKS!

As far as those two situations being the same or not, he and I will just have to agree to disagree, b/c he still thinks it doesn't make a difference if you go out with a friend, or just a random person. The reason being that most guys don't just want to be your friend.

[tikigods]

Everyone gets jealous, and his actions speak volumes over his words.

 

While he is right most guys don't want to be your friend, it is different, returning CD's to an old friend that you don't see often and having lunch at a mall, is completly different then meeting someone on the street and hanging out with them and going to dinner.

 

I agree with the immature game playing part

[catgirl1927]

He genuinely doesn't see the difference between lunch with an aquaintance and picking up a girl and taking her on a date?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Splitting hairs.

 

Been there!

 

The reason being that most guys don't just want to be your friend.

 

If your boyfriend honestly believes that, then he's just negated his own argument that he can have dinner with a female friend without any ulterior motives.

 

If you believe the opposite, then you need to give your boyfriend the same amount of trust when it comes to his intentions towards other females that you give yourself and your platonic buddy.

 

To do otherwise is being hypocritical … and therefore you are both unfairly imposing "double standards" on each other.

 

I agree that your boyfriend probably did what he did to drive home a point. While I don't necessarily agree with all the headgames, you may not have been able to empathize with his position otherwise because you felt backed in a corner, too busy trying defending your own.

 

There is really no "right" or "wrong" point of view when it comes to the opposite sex friend issue. Just different perspectives depending on the individuals involved. The best solution to resolve this issue (so it doesn't rear it's ugly head again) is to just sit down and calmly discuss with each other where your personal relationship boundaries are regarding what you feel is appropriate or inappropriate associations with the opposite sex. It won't necessarily guarantee that somewhere down the road one of you won't eventually test that invisible line, but at least you'll be informed, well in advance, exactly how the other person is going to feel about it so neither one of you can play the "dumb" card anymore.

 

You know … what happened between the two of you really isn't all that bad. Sometimes we don't even know there are important relationship issues that need to be addressed until we're standing smack in the middle of one. Rather than harboring any resentments, you can turn this little set back into an opportunity for discussion, mutual understanding and growth.

[giggless]

To catgirl: That's what he says. He thinks that a guy friend who wants to get with me is just as bad as any girl on the street would would want to get with him.

 

Tikigods, I agree with you, and I do think that he gets jealous, even though he won't admit it. I don't have a problem with a healthy amount of jealousy. I think if he'd admit to it, it would make things much easier on both of us, because I would know what bothers him.

 

We've only been together for 8 months, so there is still a lot of things we have to learn about eachother. I just kind of wanted an input from others, to see if I was way out of line, b/c sometimes when emotions get involved it's really hard to tell.

[Spectre]

He genuinely doesn't see the difference between lunch with an aquaintance and picking up a girl and taking her on a date?

 

To play devils advocate, he could of easily taken this as a ploy for this guy friend to be near his gf. He wants his cd's back and oh..lets have lunch too. I'm not saying that was the case, but her bf could of been in that state of mind, and rightfully so because, guys are like that, no matter if theyre your best friend or a stranger off the street. If he saw it as this guys attempt to get alone time with his gf, and seeing that it succeeded, it might of upset him and caused the reaction.

 

She never said that he said he picked up a girl and asked her out, he said he was out to dinner with one. He could of very well made a friend near him, and if his gf is upset over that, then it is hypocritical of her to go jotting to lunch with friends of hers, no matter if they are new or old. If meeting with a new friend suggests a romantic interest, then was there a romantic interest when she first met with this male friend she had lunch with? If so, then they shouldnt be meeting again if she has a bf ,if not..then again she shouldnt of gotten that upset, bottom line.