Changed her mind about me because i dated someone???

[Kylemack]

Hey everyone. for some background, im kyle and i live in northern CA. I hav known this girl named megan for probably 2 years now. we didnt become real good friends untill June of 2005. she was dating a good friend of mine at the time, and we became close friends. i developed feelings for her when she was dating my friend, but i dared not tell anyone or try anything cause she was dating my friend. well in dec. she broke up with him. i waited a bit and then made sure she knew that i had feelings for her. we would hang out alot, go to the movies, mall, anywhere just to hang out. she gave me plenty of signs, but when the time came she gave me the friends line. "i cant see us as more then friends". Even after that she still showed signs and it confused me. showed me plenty of times that she REALLY cares for me and is always worried about me. But in about a week she made it clear she would not be able to see us as more then friends. i didnt want to brake the good friendship we made so i accecpted it and moved on. we just hung out as friends after that, and the signs continued. A girl had been trying to go on a date with me for months, so as me being heart broken, i went with her. it went great. few dates later and we ended up dating. truthfully i think now she was kind of a re-bound girl for me, but i really did like her. she could make me laugh and smile, which is exactly wat i needed.

 

A few weeks went by, everything was great when my g/f starts acting weird. many conversations later i find out that she believes that i still like megan. i truthfully thought i was over her, but she thought otherwise. i eventually find out that someone told her that i still hav feelings for megan, which i didnt think i had at the time. we broke up because i couldnt stand the fact that she didnt trust/believe me, and she was hurt to. Right after the brake up, i start getting HUGE signs from megan. and my ex g/f wont talk to me, acting like im the bad guy. and it made me really appreciate megan more...i dont know why, just the immature way she acted made me realize how much i really like megan. and so now i like her more then i did b4.

 

Well this last saterday megan asked me to go to the lacross game with her so i did. we had fun. i took her home and dropped her off and all. later that day im out with some buds getting ready to go to a party, when she calls me and wants to hang out with me. so we broght her along and didnt go to a party, we just all hung out and drank at my friends place instead. Sunday morning she calls and wants to come over and get her jacket, which she left in my car. i told her i would bring it by and so i did. visited with her for a little bit. went home, next thing i know that afternoon she wants to come to my house and get her ciggs, which she also left in my car...lol. i told her i would bring em by but she refussed and came over. she stayed at my house a bit and visited with me. i think she was just finding any excuse possible to come to my house....but i dont know. she called me sun night to "just talk" and tonight to "just talk". asked me to lunch today too. ive been getting huge signs, in my opinion.

 

And thats where we are now. im as confused as hell, cause i dont know if she has changed her mind about me?? or am i getting mixed signals?? i mean me and my ex hav been broken up for like 10 days now and shes throwing more signs now more then ever. so im afraid to try and find out if shes changed her mind, cause i dont want that friends line again...it just about killed me.

 

p.s. since the brake up megan has been going, "i love u kylies" and s*** like that....i know its a friend thing...or think it is, but she dosnt tell any of her friends that she loves them...let alone butcher their names....lol

 

Thanks for all the help that u can give, i will be really greatful for every response!!

 

Kyle

[Sand&Water]

There are two possible explantions for her actions. First and foremost, she seems to be the type of girl that pushes-and-pulls at guys. She maybe using you as a temporary rebound guy to hang around until she finds herself a suitable guy to date. Or the other option, she saw how you got involved with another girl and she found out that you no longer cared for her as a friend or anything more. Some girls (in her case) tend to want things that are "desirable" in other people's eyes.

 

Overall, she seems to give off an immature vibe. How old is she?

 

I think you should tred slowly, and let her do some work. If you show too much clingy and needy emotions, she might take that as a turn off. Obviously, she may be having one those "guy re-evaluation" thoughts.

 

The real question is though, Do you still have feelings for her?

[Kylemack]

Well first of all, shes 18. Second...i thought i was over her but the way she has been acting...it pulled me back in way to fast. So ya i guess i still do have feelings for her. i dont want to because i know she will turn me down again, but i cant help it. People r telling me to just give it time, cause she knows she likes me its just shes afraid of a relationship right now, but i dont know. She treats me like a best friend sometimes too, tells me those secrets she wont tell anyone, then treats me like a b/f the other times. I dont know...why im resorting to here

[Mary3]

Megan never got over you and you never got over her.

 

The rebound girl lost.

 

You can give Megan another try.

 

She clearly has interest. But does she have interest but is it because she realized what she lost ? Or just playing you for fun...hard to say..

 

Keep us posted.

[noclobber]

Well first of all, shes 18. Second...i thought i was over her but the way she has been acting...it pulled me back in way to fast. So ya i guess i still do have feelings for her. i dont want to because i know she will turn me down again, but i cant help it. People r telling me to just give it time, cause she knows she likes me its just shes afraid of a relationship right now, but i dont know. She treats me like a best friend sometimes too, tells me those secrets she wont tell anyone, then treats me like a b/f the other times. I dont know...why im resorting to here

 

Your story is very very similar to what happened to me. The only difference is I haven't started dating other women and so I don't know how my "friend" will react.

 

That said, can you please tell me why you think she treats you like a boyfriend? Is she very touchy now? flirt with you? compliments? Please be specific!

 

This is a very tricky situation to be in. Its difficult to find whether Megan became jealous cos you moved on and showed attention to some other girl OR whether she is now seeing you as more than a friend.

 

In my opinion I really think you should not ask her out again. She already told you that she only likes you as a friend. Now if she sees you as more then it has to come from her.

 

This is really interesting, please keep us posted.

[Kylemack]

She is very flirty with me. always gives me those looks where u can barley resist to lean and kiss her. She is always complimenting me to. If i ever try and down myself or say something bad about me she wont let me, she turns it around and tells me thats its not true. Always going "aww kyle, ur so sweet" and little s*** like that. Always insists on giving me hugs b4 we part ways. When we walk together she always links her arm with mine. like im escorting her or sumthing, lol. She takes my s*** and wears it too. like my watch, shes had it forever. Always telling me that im funny and that i can always make her laugh. She will giggle at anything i say unless its mean. Also a caring thing...awhile ago after she gave me the friends line, me and 2 buds were getting wasted the next weekend. She called me even though she was out of town to "just talk". She was all worried about me drinking and s***. Mainly told me that she didnt want me drinking that night. i know it wasnt a friends thing cause our good friend james was with me, who was drinking plenty and was driving that night, which i wasnt. she didnt say anything to him...but mainly told me that she was worried about me drinking. i dont know.. i took it as caring as more then a friend??? mabye not. i dont know. Then again she wrote me a letter on friday, and told me about it saterday. she gave it to me yesterday. Was about random s*** but i gotta quote something. she was talking about how she wanted to hang out this weekend, which we did. also said "lol wow, this is the first time in ages i have written a letter and i think your the only guy i have written too, besides stephen." ya...stephen is an ex b/f from over 1-2 years ago. but that makes me think im a friend. she goes on to ask if im going to the concert next friday cause she is. I am just a very confused guy i guess.

[noclobber]

She is very flirty with me. always gives me those looks where u can barley resist to lean and kiss her. She is always complimenting me to. If i ever try and down myself or say something bad about me she wont let me, she turns it around and tells me thats its not true. Always going "aww kyle, ur so sweet" and little s*** like that. Always insists on giving me hugs b4 we part ways. When we walk together she always links her arm with mine. like im escorting her or sumthing, lol. She takes my s*** and wears it too. like my watch, shes had it forever. Always telling me that im funny and that i can always make her laugh. She will giggle at anything i say unless its mean. Also a caring thing...awhile ago after she gave me the friends line, me and 2 buds were getting wasted the next weekend. She called me even though she was out of town to "just talk". She was all worried about me drinking and s***. Mainly told me that she didnt want me drinking that night. i know it wasnt a friends thing cause our good friend james was with me, who was drinking plenty and was driving that night, which i wasnt. she didnt say anything to him...but mainly told me that she was worried about me drinking. i dont know.. i took it as caring as more then a friend??? mabye not. i dont know. Then again she wrote me a letter on friday, and told me about it saterday. she gave it to me yesterday. Was about random s*** but i gotta quote something. she was talking about how she wanted to hang out this weekend, which we did. also said "lol wow, this is the first time in ages i have written a letter and i think your the only guy i have written too, besides stephen." ya...stephen is an ex b/f from over 1-2 years ago. but that makes me think im a friend. she goes on to ask if im going to the concert next friday cause she is. I am just a very confused guy i guess.

 

you have every reason to be confused. girls give all types of signs and then say "oh i only like you as a friend". my 'friend' once said to me "you are dreaming about my cats". she has two cats but why wud i dream about it. after many more signs i asked her out and got the "i only like you as a friend" line. so you got to be very very careful. the surest indication that a girl is into you is when she agress to go out with you. and she has already told you 'no'. all the other things she does become insignificant now. generally when a girl says "you are just a friend" that's pretty much the end of it. if you are wondering why she does all the things that she does then here is the answer -> b'cos she just wants the attention back on her and wants to know whether you still like her. it's not because she likes you. i may be wrong but this is what usually happens. i have seen this pattern too many times now.

 

so i still stand by what i have said. don't ask her out again, if she is genuinely interested she will let you know.

[tanbark813]

Basically what happened is this: Once Megan and your friend broke up, she needed emotional support and someone to show her attention/affection. You told her you liked her and started hanging out with her so you became that crutch. You became that stand-in for some of the emotions she was getting from your friend but was now lacking. You let yourself get wrapped up in the friend zone and she didn't want to lose that (and probably didn't want to jump back in a relationship) so she gave you the "let's just be friends" line when you tried to take it further.

 

Once you got your new gf, it likely inspired some jealousy in Megan. At the very least, she was missing out on some or all of that attention and emotional support she was getting prior to your new gf. You didn't really say in your post, but I'm guessing you still hung out with Megan and talked to her while with your gf. It may not have been as much, but frequently enough to arouse suspicion. She was probably justified in thinking you still had feelings for Megan and broke up with you.

 

Once you guys broke up and you were available to hang out more, Megan jumped on that, in turn giving you increased attention and affection (the sweet talk, compliments, touching, etc...) so that she could regain what she had before.

 

Here is the thing though...

 

What you're calling signs may or may not actually be signs. I'm guessing it's one of two things:

 

1. Those "signs" you see aren't really signs. It's just Megan getting you to be her "dick in the glass case" (rent some Chris Rock stand-up if you didn't get that). You're her emotional support. I once had a gf refer to guys like this as "buffer guys" and she claimed that every girl needs/has at least one.

 

2. Those "signs" really are signs. In being with your new gf, you managed to evoke enough jealousy in Megan to shake her up and make her realize what she was missing out on.

 

If you want to see whether or not they really are signs, then the next time you guys are hanging out and you get that feeling where you can barely resist kissing her: FOLLOW THROUGH. Don't resist. Kiss her right then and there. And don't be like, "Ummm.. can.. uh... I kiss you now please?". Just grab her and do it (not forcefully like a rapist though, just confident ).

 

You'll have your answer then. If she turns away or gives you the friends line again, then it was #1. If she kisses you back, it was #2.

[tanbark813]

the surest indication that a girl is into you is when she agress to go out with you

 

This is wrong. She might just want company, or interesting conversation, or even just a ride to the bars or a free meal.

[noclobber]

This is wrong. She might just want company, or interesting conversation, or even just a ride to the bars or a free meal.

 

i meant going out like in a date. i guess that is a better sign compared to others like complimenting, flirting, etc.

[tanbark813]

i meant going out like in a date. i guess that is a better sign compared to others like complimenting, flirting, etc.

 

I know what you meant and it's still wrong. I went out once with a girl who wanted exactly that: a free ride and some drinks. I made an LS post about it a long time back.

 

A girl agreeing to go out is a good indication, like complimenting, flirting, etc.. but calling it a sure sign--or the surest sign--is inaccurate IMHO.

[noclobber]

I know what you meant and it's still wrong. I went out once with a girl who wanted exactly that: a free ride and some drinks. I made an LS post about it a long time back.

 

A girl agreeing to go out is a good indication, like complimenting, flirting, etc.. but calling it a sure sign--or the surest sign--is inaccurate IMHO.

 

 

okay, i have a question for you. your reply to the OP was great and to the point. if a girl that is single always wants to hang out with you how would you view it? wud you have a suspicion that she does it b'cos she really likes you as a friend or just b'cos she is getting an ego boost from the attention?

[tanbark813]

 

okay, i have a question for you. your reply to the OP was great and to the point. if a girl that is single always wants to hang out with you how would you view it? wud you have a suspicion that she does it b'cos she really likes you as a friend or just b'cos she is getting an ego boost from the attention?

 

Well to be clear, I don't think it's an either/or when it comes to that. I'm sure, in the case of the OP, that Megan likes both the attention AND likes the guy as a friend. What I was saying is that the signs he was describing are not necessarily signs that she wants more than a friendship.

 

If they were hanging out sporadically, then it would probably be just an ego boost. I don't think anyone would hang out with someone regularly unless they at least like that person as a friend.

[noclobber]

Well to be clear, I don't think it's an either/or when it comes to that. I'm sure, in the case of the OP, that Megan likes both the attention AND likes the guy as a friend. What I was saying is that the signs he was describing are not necessarily signs that she wants more than a friendship.

 

If they were hanging out sporadically, then it would probably be just an ego boost. I don't think anyone would hang out with someone regularly unless they at least like that person as a friend.

 

Great! Thank you

[Kylemack]

Thanks for all the advice guys. i really appreciate it.

[Mary3]

To me it just sounds like she genuinely likes you but just as a buddy ol' pal.

 

If she wanted to french kiss you or lay down on a bed and rub herself against you and do sexual things ( depending on the time frame here ) then those things would eventually happen...

 

Do not delude yourself into thinking a girl will be a great friend and then eventually sleep with you.

 

We put you in the friends zone for a reason ...

 

She either sees you in a romantic way or she doesn't.

 

We detect an attraction with you with the first few minutes....

 

We either see you as a lover or ( as a good platonic friend.)

 

I think so far her comments are more *buddy~directed*.

 

She should be kissing you in an intimate way ....

 

I speak from my own experience., so your situation could be different...

 

Your situation has variables and alot depends on all factors involved.

 

Keep us posted. And I DO agree that you need to KISS her.

 

Do it.

 

Tell us what happens next ...

 

Does she kiss you some more...?

 

Or does she back away like she feels uncomfortable ?

[noclobber]

We detect an attraction with you with the first few minutes....

 

We either see you as a lover or ( as a good platonic friend.)

 

Can you please tell more about this? What factors do you actually consider for putting the guy in the friend zone? Deciding whether a guy is going to be your boyfriend or just a friend in just a few minutes sounds highly discouraging to me. I guess men should be given a chance to prove themselves.

[Mary3]

I would be very happy to answer that noclobber :

 

I can tell you around 3 years ago when I was newly single that I would go out on alot of dates and in some instances I would not feel an attraction to that person , no * chemistry * but would continue to go out with that person to * see * if later I would feel something. I never did.

 

So after getting some practice in the area of dating I decided that I would not waste my time or his if the chemistry was not there.

 

Chemistry for me is something that is instant and quite evident.

Its also vital.

 

I dont care about your wallet or your car but I do care about if we have a strong enough vibe and attraction.

 

Can I imagine kissing this man ? Do I find something about him interesting enough to persue a second date ?

 

These are questions that must be answered if you are looking for someone to have a deep meaningful relationship with...

 

Proving themselves will be self evident only to themselves. We know you try hard but you either have what we are looking for or you don't.

 

Friendzone " We put you there because we dont see you in a romantic way. Period

[noclobber]

I would be very happy to answer that noclobber :

 

I can tell you around 3 years ago when I was newly single that I would go out on alot of dates and in some instances I would not feel an attraction to that person , no * chemistry * but would continue to go out with that person to * see * if later I would feel something. I never did.

 

So after getting some practice in the area of dating I decided that I would not waste my time or his if the chemistry was not there.

 

Chemistry for me is something that is instant and quite evident.

Its also vital.

 

I dont care about your wallet or your car but I do care about if we have a strong enough vibe and attraction.

 

Can I imagine kissing this man ? Do I find something about him interesting enough to persue a second date ?

 

These are questions that must be answered if you are looking for someone to have a deep meaningful relationship with...

 

Proving themselves will be self evident only to themselves. We know you try hard but you either have what we are looking for or you don't.

 

Friendzone "We put you there because we dont see you in a romantic way. Period

 

Thanks Mary3

 

But I don't understand why you put a guy in the friendzone b'cos he is not attractive. He is not an attractive guy and so you don't value him or respect him... so why bother being friends with this guy? Can't you just move on without having a friend relation with him?

[tanbark813]

Deciding whether a guy is going to be your boyfriend or just a friend in just a few minutes sounds highly discouraging to me.

 

You shouldn't be discouraged by it. Yeah, it means that within 5 minutes you can be placed into the friend zone. But the flip side is it also means that within 5 minutes you can be placed in the I-want-this-guy's-meat-inside-me zone.

 

Glass is half full man....

[noclobber]

You shouldn't be discouraged by it. Yeah, it means that within 5 minutes you can be placed into the friend zone. But the flip side is it also means that within 5 minutes you can be placed in the I-want-this-guy's-meat-inside-me zone.

 

Glass is half full man....

 

I would feel happy with this logic IF I am a very attractive guy... What if you are not?

[tanbark813]

I would feel happy with this logic IF I am a very attractive guy... What if you are not?

 

Then be confident. Confidence counts more towards attraction than actual physical looks with women.

[noclobber]

Then be confident. Confidence counts more towards attraction than actual physical looks with women.

 

Mary3 mentioned that she will ask herself "Can I imagine kissing this man?". That implies a lot about physical looks and not confidence. Moreover I don't know what 'confidence' a woman can possibly see in "just a few minutes".

 

Sorry I am not trying to be negative but I am unable to understand this whole female logic of "I will decide whether you are going to be just a friend or boyfriend in a few minutes. And also once I cast you in the friendzone you can never come out of it". And I don't even understand why women complain about men going after them only for their looks when they are guilty of doing the same thing.

[tanbark813]

Mary3 mentioned that she will ask herself "Can I imagine kissing this man?". That implies a lot about physical looks and not confidence.

 

In no way does it imply that.

 

Moreover I don't know what 'confidence' a woman can possibly see in "just a few minutes".

 

Are you kidding? How about this:

 

Guy #1: Sees a girl he doesn't know in a bar. Stares at her in silence for 5 minutes. She catches him looking at her and he looks away. Finally, after being pushed by his friends, he waddles over to her and says, "Ummm.. sorry to bother you... but... ummm... would it be okay if I bought you a drink?"

 

Guy #2: Sees a girl he doesn't know in a bar. He smiles and doesn't look away. She smiles. He walks over calmly, maintaining eye contact, extends his hand, and says, "Hi, I'm Bob."

 

Now, who do you think came off as more confident? Who do you think is more likely to get laid that night?

 

You can easily display confidence in under a minute. Most of it is in the eye contact, tone of voice, and body language.

[noclobber]

You can easily display confidence in under a minute. Most of it is in the eye contact, tone of voice, and body language.

 

Thank you

 

I get it now. You are always right on Tanbark!