Help... I need advise

[Sckiie]

Hi, I need help and I hope that someone out there will be able to give it to me.

 

I recently moved to Seattle from the South where I had to leave my boyfriend of the past 3 years. I had been in Seattle for 2 months and decided to post an online personal ad... I really am looking for a guy who is relationship minded. So I did.

 

Well, this guy responded and we emailed back and forth for a few weeks and finally I called him to go to a play with me. We met, had a good time and went to drinks afterwards... everything is going great. We go out a few nights later and things are still wonderful.

 

So, it's only been like 2 weeks of dating and I can totally feel myself falling for him. He's everything that I am looking for. So, last night he came over to watch a movie. We ordered pizza and it was great. After the movie we start making out and we moved into the bedroom... well we were soon naked and really going at it... not intercourse. Anyway, he stayed with me and left early this morning.

 

He told me he had a wonderful evening and he would call me later that day. He did and we chatted briefly and I asked him if he was busy on Sunday because I wanted to go do something with him. Like take our dogs to the park. Well, he says he's busy and that's it.

 

I know this must sound completely crazy, but I need advise. I really like this guy and don't want to mess it up by being to needy. And I definately don't want it to turn into a thing where we just get together to mess around. PLEASE help me.

[Tony T]

I really don't understand what you are asking for here. You know what to do to prevent things from becoming totally sexual. You clearly know how to keep from looking needy.

 

Respect his space and don't call him anymore to do things. Let him call you. If he's interested he will call and if he isn't, you won't hear from him and it's best that way if he's not going to be into you.

 

You have tremendous insight. I think you just wrote this post because you needed to get things out...but just reading what you wrote I can clearly tell you know how to handle this...so do it.

[BeenThere]

It's my guess you're friend is probably worried about the same thing as you are..."appearing needy." I have learned from my own boyfriend and other male friends that men don't think as differently as women do when it comes to playing these early dating head games. I was told that even if a guy is crazy about a woman, in the early stages he will hold back and try not to seem so "available" to her...even if its killing him. Somehow people are under the impression that this will make them more interesting and desireable to the person they are pursuing. Guys never want to appear "too nice", and women play the same game because they don't want to appear "too easy."

 

The chase is on!

 

Personally, I think the whole thing is just one big mind-f*** that can backfire if you're not careful. If a person is too aloof they risk sending mixed signals to the one they are actually trying to "hook." If one backs off, then so does the other because they don't wan't to appear *desparate.* And than, before you know it, both are left feeling hurt, angry, confused and rejected and any potential for a relationship crashes and burns before its even had a chance to get off the ground.

 

So far, no harm done. And I think its great that you took the initiative to call him. You were honest and straight forward, and he knows now that you are interested...no question. So now, wait for him to call you. And when he does, you make the decision as to whether or not this thing gets "sexual." You are in total control of where this potential relationship goes, even if right now you don't feel like it. Go slow, stay confident and honest, and keep your wits about you.

 

He'll come around...

Hi, I need help and I hope that someone out there will be able to give it to me. I recently moved to Seattle from the South where I had to leave my boyfriend of the past 3 years. I had been in Seattle for 2 months and decided to post an online personal ad... I really am looking for a guy who is relationship minded. So I did. Well, this guy responded and we emailed back and forth for a few weeks and finally I called him to go to a play with me. We met, had a good time and went to drinks afterwards... everything is going great. We go out a few nights later and things are still wonderful. So, it's only been like 2 weeks of dating and I can totally feel myself falling for him. He's everything that I am looking for. So, last night he came over to watch a movie. We ordered pizza and it was great. After the movie we start making out and we moved into the bedroom... well we were soon naked and really going at it... not intercourse. Anyway, he stayed with me and left early this morning. He told me he had a wonderful evening and he would call me later that day. He did and we chatted briefly and I asked him if he was busy on Sunday because I wanted to go do something with him. Like take our dogs to the park. Well, he says he's busy and that's it. I know this must sound completely crazy, but I need advise. I really like this guy and don't want to mess it up by being to needy. And I definately don't want it to turn into a thing where we just get together to mess around. PLEASE help me.

[yes]

Hmm! So if both a guy and a girl are playing the mind-game ... how do u think should the girl act without appearing too easy, but giving the guy room to pursue her? any advice?

It's my guess you're friend is probably worried about the same thing as you are..."appearing needy." I have learned from my own boyfriend and other male friends that men don't think as differently as women do when it comes to playing these early dating head games. I was told that even if a guy is crazy about a woman, in the early stages he will hold back and try not to seem so "available" to her...even if its killing him. Somehow people are under the impression that this will make them more interesting and desireable to the person they are pursuing. Guys never want to appear "too nice", and women play the same game because they don't want to appear "too easy." The chase is on! Personally, I think the whole thing is just one big mind-f*** that can backfire if you're not careful. If a person is too aloof they risk sending mixed signals to the one they are actually trying to "hook." If one backs off, then so does the other because they don't wan't to appear *desparate.* And than, before you know it, both are left feeling hurt, angry, confused and rejected and any potential for a relationship crashes and burns before its even had a chance to get off the ground. So far, no harm done. And I think its great that you took the initiative to call him. You were honest and straight forward, and he knows now that you are interested...no question. So now, wait for him to call you. And when he does, you make the decision as to whether or not this thing gets "sexual." You are in total control of where this potential relationship goes, even if right now you don't feel like it. Go slow, stay confident and honest, and keep your wits about you. He'll come around...

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "how do u think should the girl act without appearing too easy, but giving the guy room to pursue her? any advice?"

 

If you have to be lead by the hand on this, if you have no instincts whatsoever, you may not be eligible to play this game.

 

Either you've got the innate ability or you have to develop it though experience.

[Sckiie]

Thanks for your insight BeenThere. But there is more to the story... I'd like your input.

 

You see, I have NO idea what a 'normal' relationship is suppose to be like. The only 2 long-term relationships that I have had in the past were both with guys that I met in college. One lasted a year and the other 3 years. Both of these relationships started as friends and quickly moved to much more intimate grounds. Within weeks the guy had moved into my apartment and we were living together... it was much easier because the college we went to didn't allow visitors of the opposite sex into the male dorms.

 

So, needless to say, we put the peddle to the medal in the relationships and I didn't really go through the 'real' dating senario. Threrefore, I have nothing to compare a mature relationship with. I do not work so I have alot of time on my hands to obsess and think about the guy who is in my life. He on the other hand has a full-time job and life.

 

I just want to know what a typical relationship timeline is... if that even exists. How many dates a week are 'normal'?.. Is it good that he calls me everyday, or is that just part of the game? He is also VERY reserved and told me so on the first date... I'm not... I like to talk about what I am feeling in an open discussion... Is in inappropriate to want him to do the same, or will that just scare him away. This sounds so nieve coming from someone who is 30 yrs old, but like I said I have nothing to compare this to.

 

Help!!!

It's my guess you're friend is probably worried about the same thing as you are..."appearing needy." I have learned from my own boyfriend and other male friends that men don't think as differently as women do when it comes to playing these early dating head games. I was told that even if a guy is crazy about a woman, in the early stages he will hold back and try not to seem so "available" to her...even if its killing him. Somehow people are under the impression that this will make them more interesting and desireable to the person they are pursuing. Guys never want to appear "too nice", and women play the same game because they don't want to appear "too easy." The chase is on! Personally, I think the whole thing is just one big mind-f*** that can backfire if you're not careful. If a person is too aloof they risk sending mixed signals to the one they are actually trying to "hook." If one backs off, then so does the other because they don't wan't to appear *desparate.* And than, before you know it, both are left feeling hurt, angry, confused and rejected and any potential for a relationship crashes and burns before its even had a chance to get off the ground. So far, no harm done. And I think its great that you took the initiative to call him. You were honest and straight forward, and he knows now that you are interested...no question. So now, wait for him to call you. And when he does, you make the decision as to whether or not this thing gets "sexual." You are in total control of where this potential relationship goes, even if right now you don't feel like it. Go slow, stay confident and honest, and keep your wits about you. He'll come around...

[BeenThere]

Thanks for your insight BeenThere. But there is more to the story... I'd like your input. You see, I have NO idea what a 'normal' relationship is suppose to be like. The only 2 long-term relationships that I have had in the past were both with guys that I met in college. One lasted a year and the other 3 years. Both of these relationships started as friends and quickly moved to much more intimate grounds. Within weeks the guy had moved into my apartment and we were living together... it was much easier because the college we went to didn't allow visitors of the opposite sex into the male dorms. So, needless to say, we put the peddle to the medal in the relationships and I didn't really go through the 'real' dating senario. Threrefore, I have nothing to compare a mature relationship with. I do not work so I have alot of time on my hands to obsess and think about the guy who is in my life. He on the other hand has a full-time job and life. I just want to know what a typical relationship timeline is... if that even exists. How many dates a week are 'normal'?.. Is it good that he calls me everyday, or is that just part of the game? He is also VERY reserved and told me so on the first date... I'm not... I like to talk about what I am feeling in an open discussion... Is in inappropriate to want him to do the same, or will that just scare him away. This sounds so nieve coming from someone who is 30 yrs old, but like I said I have nothing to compare this to.

 

Help!!!

[arthropod]

if you consider simple common courtesy, it's his "turn" now. i'm not talking "game" here, because that whole mess STINKS!! simple courtesy, that's it.

 

unless he's an idiot, he now KNOWS (and is very flattered!) by the fact you called to ask to get together. also, if he's interested in you, he's excited that YOU'RE interested, and you'll be hearing from him soon!

 

try to avoid the "game" . . . no one really WANTS to play it, and i can't IMAGINE anyone enjoying it!! if there's mutual interest, there's definitely no interest in playing!

Hi, I need help and I hope that someone out there will be able to give it to me. I recently moved to Seattle from the South where I had to leave my boyfriend of the past 3 years. I had been in Seattle for 2 months and decided to post an online personal ad... I really am looking for a guy who is relationship minded. So I did. Well, this guy responded and we emailed back and forth for a few weeks and finally I called him to go to a play with me. We met, had a good time and went to drinks afterwards... everything is going great. We go out a few nights later and things are still wonderful. So, it's only been like 2 weeks of dating and I can totally feel myself falling for him. He's everything that I am looking for. So, last night he came over to watch a movie. We ordered pizza and it was great. After the movie we start making out and we moved into the bedroom... well we were soon naked and really going at it... not intercourse. Anyway, he stayed with me and left early this morning. He told me he had a wonderful evening and he would call me later that day. He did and we chatted briefly and I asked him if he was busy on Sunday because I wanted to go do something with him. Like take our dogs to the park. Well, he says he's busy and that's it. I know this must sound completely crazy, but I need advise. I really like this guy and don't want to mess it up by being to needy. And I definately don't want it to turn into a thing where we just get together to mess around. PLEASE help me.

[BeenThere]

To be honest, I can only answer from my own personal view. But I'm not coming from the same place as most people who have spent their entire 20's and early 30's caught up in the vicious dating cycle in the exhausting search for a suitable partner. So my ideas and perceptions on this concept are different, and my approach to relationships is unique to my own situation and experiences; and to the individual that I am.

 

When it comes to the standard dating rituals and "head-games," ...I simply don't play them. Being involved in a long-term relationship for most of my life, I never had the opportunity to learn how...nor, at my age, do I want to. But in the 4 short years that I have been single, I have discovered, to my dismay, that they DO exist---That there are unspoken dating rules and etiquettes that must be strictly observed lest your peers and...GOD FORBID...the object of your desire cast you off as a total social misfit.

 

I remember when I reentered the dating world for the first time in 15 years. I blundered in clinically autistic...lost in my own little delusions that the world was perfect and people were genuinely good. Released from my marriage straightjacket, I was finally going out, meeting people and having fun. I was tip-toeing through my newly acquired SINGLE life like Tiny Tim on Prozac. Hadn't a damn clue as to what was really going on.

 

In short...I was a dating retard.

 

A male friend I had met suggested one day that we get together for dinner...as "buddies." He asked for my number saying that he would call. Since I had an unlisted number, I was hesitant, so I suggested that he give me his. One day later, I called. Apparently, I had broken guy/girl rule # 1 (NEVER call right away)! My friend was surprised and stunned, but seemed excited at the same time. He asked; "Why didn't you wait the standard '3 days'?"... I had no idea what the hell he was even talking about. At the restaurant, when the bill came, I snatched it up before he could see the total. I had suggested the place (and it was pricey) so I felt it was only fair to pay. Besides, it was a clever way to keep the friendly dinner from turning into an actual "date." There would be none of this *I-paid-for-dinner-so-now-you-owe-me-something* mentality.

 

Well, I was really surprised when my friend became angry. Apparently I had broken guy/girl rule #2 (the guy ALWAYS pays). I had accidently insulted his pride. After a few words, he finally settled down. I told him that he could choose the restaurant and pay "the next time." Without even realizing it, I had left him the opportunity to decide whether or not we went out again. Later, he confided in me that he really liked that.

 

To make a long story short, nothing really evolved between M*** and I except a mutual trust and friendship. M*** had been single for over 34 years and the "games" had left him scared and cynical when it came to women and dating. In the months following, we had many in-depth conversations about relationships and "dating protocol." He even told me there was a book on the subject written by some woman (He read it, and hated it). But he refused to give me the name, saying that I should never learn the "rules" or how to play the games. He claimed that my honesty and unique approach to dating and meeting people was what he and other men would find refreshing, and that I'd be better off staying just the way I was...and so far, its worked for me.

 

You Ask:

 

"how do u think should the girl act without appearing too easy, but giving the guy room to pursue her?"

 

For me, I'm just honest and straight forward. If I really like someone and enjoy spending time with them, I don't pretend to be ambivalent. I let them know. Men aren't clairvoyant. "Hinting" around isn't always enough...you have to come right out and tell them. If you don't see them or hear from them again after that, you can be pretty damn sure they're not interested. No mis-communication or "guessing games" here! Just pick yourself up and dust off. It's only your pride that's bruised. You'll heal.

 

If a guy gives me his number and askes me to call...I call. No games...no waiting...I just call. If I give him my number and it takes him a few days to call me, I don't get upset. I don't put my life on hold to sit by the phone or stress myself out worried about how many days or weeks will pass. If we make tenative plans to get together for the weekend, and he suddenly becomes busy...I don't take it personal. I tell him to give me a ring when he gets a free minute if he still wants to plan something for another day. I don't continue calling him--once is enough unless he asks. I don't care how desireable he is...I WON'T become a stalker! And, if and when he does call, I don't pretend to be busy the following weekend just to "get even." I also won't avoid making alternative plans to keep the weekend open in the event he does call. I carry on with life as usual. If plans are made, and you are "stood-up", unless he's got a real good reason for not calling...there IS NO second chance. Cut your loses and move on. He's a jerk.

 

And finally, don't gamble with what you're not willing to risk. I may be old fashioned, but I never have sex for the purpose of just having sex. That's a part of myself I reserve only for someone who I am emotionally intimate with...for someone who I am envolved in a monogomous relationship with. There are no morning-after regrets for this gal! Because I've been selfish with this part of myself, my dignity and pride have never been compromised regardless of the MANY idiots I have met and dated. I can still hold my head high, and even though some men have discribed me as being "too nice," no guy has ever considered me "easy."

Hmm! So if both a guy and a girl are playing the mind-game ... how do u think should the girl act without appearing too easy, but giving the guy room to pursue her? any advice?