SmoochieFace Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I'm not really uncomfortable but many people say that if you don't fight, your not in a healthy relationship. Oh really? Who said that, if I may ask? Dr. Phil? Oprah? Or some dippy Cosmo writer? Good god... who cares about what all those *other people* say anyway! Why take cues from them in the first place? Perhaps he is just super-laidback and goes through life with a smile and a "what, me worry?" attitude. Count your blessings as that would be lightyears ahead of the sneering, snarling, raving drunk loony dude. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 sounds like a good guy to me. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I'm sure after a while you guys will fight. I mean what married couple doesn't fight. about finances. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 All the things you mentioned are accidents though. If my husband yelled at me about any of those things I would be pissed. It's not like I purposely tried to hit the car in front of me ,etc. When I mess up I feel bad enough, I don't need anyone yelling at me as if I didn't understand that I f***ed up. Now, if I'm getting attitude or being bitchy, I fully expect to be put in check. My H and I have had some fights, but not that many actually. Once the major stuff got sorted we just don't need to fight about anything. Only time is when one of us gets in a pissy mood and pushes buttons, but that's about it. I'm not worried. Link to post Share on other sites
BrideToBe Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I've been with my guy for just over a year now (we're engaged), and we've also never fought. He (like you) has told me he WANTS us to fight, at least once, because "it's a healthy thing" and "we should make sure our fighting styles match" or some funny thing like that. But to this day, nothing. And it's not that either of us have never done wrong or never get mad - when we used to work together, he got MAD once or twice when I screwed something up. But then he walked out of the room, cooled down, and that was that. I've been really pissed at him as well, but I'll let myself cool down and then we'll work it out calmly. Btw, this is a guy with a TEMPER - but he knows I won't respect him if he blew his lid, so he forces himself to control it when he gets mad at me (which is fascinating to watch, actually) and then we work at a solution when the "storm has passed". When we get married, I know we're going to fight once in a while, and I'm ready for it - but I won't miss it if we don't! You should count your blessings - I'm counting mine. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 I don't know of any actual evidence that it is "unhealthy to fight". Certainly it is a poor idea to stuff resentments down and never air them. It's also a terrible idea to rip into your partner verbally. There are so many more people doing the second (verbal ripping) that you could almost say it's "normal" - in the sense of being common. It is also painful and destructive of trust and intimacy. To me, the ideal is acknowledging conflicts and problems, and resolving them in a way that restores equilibrium, and nobody has had damage inflicted. I sense that you are seeking the passion and intensity and heart-pumping stimulation of a good argument. How about looking for your passion and intensity from some other shared activity? Like mountain climbing, Peace Corps, hot sweaty sex, kickboxing or wrestling? Link to post Share on other sites
BigB Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 the only thing I see wrong with never fighting is the lack of make-up-sex. just kidding BTW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 hot sweaty sex, or wrestling? We do that......quite often. It just seems to me every thing is no big deal to him. When serious problems occur....his famous words are "Don't worry about it". But now that I think of it, I DON'T worry and it always works out. That's a beautiful feeling. Disregard this thread..I just realize that for the rest of my life with him, he will take care of me and I don't have to worry about anything. Including fights! Which is fine by me! I just thought it was a problem not to fight. Guess not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 8, 2006 Author Share Posted March 8, 2006 the only thing I see wrong with never fighting is the lack of make-up-sex. just kidding BTW. AMEN TO THAT!!!!!! But our regular sex is like make-up sex! Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 If you don't fight…you don't have a healthy relationship? I've seen this mentioned several times on this forum. The notion is so ludicrous that I've always just chalked it up to youth and inexperience…or the fact that so many people here are in dysfunctional 'High Drama' relationships that they've actually been conditioned to believe its healthy behavior. I suppose it may be the "norm" if you took a survey and based your conclusions on statistics, but to promote the idea that struggle and strife somehow makes your relationship stronger just sounds completely asinine to me. I'd say, if you weren't communicating at all…you might have a problem. Then again, this is coming from the perspective of someone who feels LUCKY enough to be in a relationship now where there is no conflict. Having lived it the other way around for fifteen years (married at nineteen) … I can honestly say I much prefer it this way. And to have someone elude to the idea that couples like us who get along well and don't "fight", don't have healthy relationships, just sounds so ayas backwards to me. I'm not really uncomfortable but many people say that if you don't fight, your not in a healthy relationship. So just do what I do, Ihavenofrikenclue…and when you hear stuff like that, just consider the source. Then count your blessings because you are among the lucky few who actually have a best friend and partner instead of an adversary. Disregard this thread.. Too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I think the issue, as Sole Mate pointed out is that relationships in which one or both people refuse to discuss problems or issues in any way that can become very toxic. I think that people talking about it being unhealthy to not fight mean 'disagreement' rather than 'pitched battle'. Link to post Share on other sites
bitty Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 My fiance and I have been together for almost three years, and like you, have had one small argument that didnt last very long at all because we listened to each others opinions, talked it over, and agreed to disagree. It was handled maturely and respectively to each of our opinions and feelings. No feelings hurt, no tears, nothing. I've heard some people tell me it's unhealthy to not fight, but I believe it's healthy to not fight. Just because we dont get into screaming fits at one another, doesn't mean we're not unhealthy. My parents fight like cats and dogs, but when we need to discuss something that's bothering us, or an issue needs to be brought up, it is done so rationally, without raising voices, no name-calling. I think it is perfectly healthy because we are still taking care of needing to be heard on issues, voicing our opinions, getting out what may be bothering us, and doing it in a loving way. I think that's how it should be if you can help it. I really dont understand why you would want to take advantage of him being rationally understanding during arguments or disagreements, if anything, I would think with all the abusive relationships out there, you'd want to take advantage of him treating you like a princess and not let him go! I know you're not asking him to yell or hit you, but I'm trying to say, dont let him being nice bother you so much. Just try doing the same in return, trust me, it feels a lot better than yelling, and it saves the need for tylenol (just ask my parents). I would suggest if you feel the need to let out a scream or what not when you're frustrated, take up tei-bo or go in the bathroom or bedroom, muffle it up, and let it go. Maybe take drive around the block, crank up the tunes and do what you need to do. There shouldn't be a reason to yell when there's no need to at another person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 I think the issue, as Sole Mate pointed out is that relationships in which one or both people refuse to discuss problems or issues in any way that can become very toxic. I think that people talking about it being unhealthy to not fight mean 'disagreement' rather than 'pitched battle'. AGAIN.... We don't bottle anything up inside. We just don't have that many oppertunities to fight. We agree on almost everything, Nothing really bothers us. But when I got into the fender bender with his car...not even a shutter. Just a... Ah its ok all we need is a hood...wanna go mini golfing....?? I mean that's fine with me. But in the long run...Is it going to be a problem? Link to post Share on other sites
blah1234 Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I'm kind of like this: My ex has dented my car, broken my electronics, made me late for s***. I've gotten annoyed, but I never yelled at her for any of these things. The way I look at it is that it was an accident and getting into a big fight about it solves ABSOLUTELY nothing... except maybe it will raise my blood pressure and lead to me having a heart attack later in my life. I think if she had been completely careless or stupid about something - like totalling my car because she was drunk while driving it, or getting so frustrated with the DVD player that she decided to smash it into a million peices - then I'd get pissed. But she never did anything like that. Link to post Share on other sites
blah1234 Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I mean that's fine with me. But in the long run...Is it going to be a problem? The only way I can see it being a problem is if you guys DO get in a big screaming match about something. Because you have never seen him really angry before, you will have no idea what he will do or say in a temper. But other than that, it shouldn't be a problem unless you make it a problem. Like if you get really annoyed with his patience/calmness. Has anyone noticed that if you are really calm when someone is screaming at you, most of the time they will get even more angry? Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 Has anyone noticed that if you are really calm when someone is screaming at you, most of the time they will get even more angry? Yep, and it's so much fun! I just tell 'em "that's it, come on, let it all out" and then I laugh at them. If they are *spitters* I tell to hold up first so I can grab my umbrella. It's fun to watch crazy people *lose it*... I mean, jeezus, so funny. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 I think if she had been completely careless or stupid about something - like totalling my car because she was drunk while driving it, or getting so frustrated with the DVD player that she decided to smash it into a million peices - then I'd get pissed. But she never did anything like that. I did something like this....I threw my phone at the wall and it broke....Even dented the wall...All he said was..We'll just get you a new phone.. and the wall only needs a little spackle! Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I did something like this....I threw my phone at the wall and it broke....Even dented the wall...All he said was..We'll just get you a new phone.. and the wall only needs a little spackle! is he on any medication? Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I did something like this....I threw my phone at the wall and it broke....Even dented the wall...All he said was..We'll just get you a new phone.. and the wall only needs a little spackle! Are you trying to get a *rise* out of him or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 is he on any medication? :lmao: Ok, if you are doing crazy stuff like throwing things and he still doesn't respond, then that IS a red flag for me. Or at least a yellow one. Does it make you feel like he doesn't care enough to call you out on bad behavior sometimes? The accidents--agreed--are just accidents. Why would anyone yell? If someone doesn't care enough about me to call me out or to accountability when I'm acting like a colossal pain, honestly, I wonder if they really do care. Not that I want yelled at, or anything, but I feel safer in relationships where I know where the boundaries are and that someone's going to enforce them in order to keep us both safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 Are you trying to get a *rise* out of him or something? NOOO!! I didn't do it purposly, I was pissed and I threw it! He'll give me a disappointed look..but that's all. Its like doing these things (Spackling buying a new hood and a new phone) Just isn't a big deal to him. I know he care about me..more than someone can care about someone, i guess just me as a person, not my actions. And no he's not on meds...otter! Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 NOOO!! I didn't do it purposly, I was pissed and I threw it! He'll give me a disappointed look..but that's all. Its like doing these things (Spackling buying a new hood and a new phone) Just isn't a big deal to him. I know he care about me..more than someone can care about someone, i guess just me as a person, not my actions. And no he's not on meds...otter! Well, that's good. I would be quite disappointed if you were doing those things *on purpose* in order to *test* him. That would be wrong. But throwing things and scuffing up your wall isn't exactly the best way to handle stress, right? Your man might not get pissed over it but I'm sure your wall would be quite upset if it could speak. As well as your phone. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 NOOO!! I didn't do it purposly, I was pissed and I threw it! He'll give me a disappointed look..but that's all. Its like doing these things (Spackling buying a new hood and a new phone) Just isn't a big deal to him. I know he care about me..more than someone can care about someone, i guess just me as a person, not my actions. And no he's not on meds...otter! sorry I had to do it. i'm juvenile, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 But throwing things and scuffing up your wall isn't exactly the best way to handle stress, right? Your man might not get pissed over it but I'm sure your wall would be quite upset if it could speak. As well as your phone. LOL No....I was even more pissed afterwards that I had to get a new phone! I lost all my cool ringers!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Is he a Buddhist? Link to post Share on other sites
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