Guest Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 I need help with this. my fiance has alot of guy friends that are also exes. I have a problem with the way she acts with them, sitting on their laps, saying things that are inappropriate, etc. She swears she will never cheat on me, but shouldn't she change some of her actions, since she is engaged to me now. for a single woman, there would be nothing wrong with this. But she is supposed to be my wife. Am i over-reacting? Also, her friends are also my friends. This really makes me unconfortable. am i jealous or justified for these feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Heck No, this is not ok. You have every right to feel the way you do. I would tell he no more, or the engagement is off. And be specific about what is inapprioate, sitting on lap and such. Also, tell YOUR friends, its not cool with you. From her point of view, it makes her feel SO good to get attention. Especially if you are the only girl there at the time, not to mention the fact that she has probably had sex with them if they were her exs, right? It has to stop, or you are both in for a rough marriage. If she does not change her behavior, maybe this is the the wife you want! If she acts this way in front of you, how does she act when you are not there? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Open your eyes. This will be your future if you marry her. She has no problems disrespecting you. Your friends will think you married the town flirt. If you acted this way around other women do you think she would put up with such crap? People will be feeling sorry and laughing at you behind your back if you marry such a woman. How embarassing for you. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Yeah. Lap sitting or lap contact of any kind (incl. lap dances) is not OK for a committed person, male or female. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Actions speak louder than words. I have been told before that I needed to work on my self confidence because this one guy I dated briefly would go to bars and expect me to sit at a table while he picked up girls at the bar. He would say, I'm going home with you, I'm not actually going to do anything, so why should you care? This is YOUR problem. I said, I agree, and walked out and didn't take his calls anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 I need help with this. my fiance has alot of guy friends that are also exes. Some people think it is OK to gather a posse of exes & keep them as friends. I think it's not. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Some people think it is OK to gather a posse of exes & keep them as friends. I think it's not. I know what you mean, I don't like it either. There's really only one reason you hang around with exes. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 I know what you mean, I don't like it either. There's really only one reason you hang around with exes. To me it's indicative of someone who does not know how to draw boundaries between friends, sex & relationships. Once upon a time these used to be the words du jour around here: RED FLAG I've never been in the business of educating a potential partner as to what is & isn't appropriate behaviour. That's what mama's are for. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 To me it's indicative of someone who does not know how to draw boundaries between friends, sex & relationships. Once upon a time these used to be the words du jour around here: RED FLAG I've never been in the business of educating a potential partner as to what is & isn't appropriate behaviour. That's what mama's are for. I totally agree. It makes me think what will happen next. I don't want to have to train someone what is right or wrong. I don't want that kind of relationship. I do love her though. I just have serious doubts whether this is going to work or not. It's been very sttressful. To me, it should be common sense knowing certain boundaries. You are right...this is a big red flag. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 Thing is it's almost a lose-lose situation for you. You get her to change her behaviour & then she blames you for losing her friends. You allow her to continue & you feel stressed, disrespected & generally like a door mat. In every relationship there is an element of teaching, accepting, learning, growing, understanding, compromising, all those gushy 'ing' words. But you do have to draw a line as to how much 'ing' is appropriate. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 8, 2006 Share Posted March 8, 2006 To me it's indicative of someone who does not know how to draw boundaries between friends, sex & relationships. Once upon a time these used to be the words du jour around here: RED FLAG I've never been in the business of educating a potential partner as to what is & isn't appropriate behaviour. That's what mama's are for. OK, she said that she was tired of this problem and she would just leave if they came around. She's trying to make ME feel guilty for my feelings. She finally said she wouldn't do this any more. But you're right, I feel she will blame me for running them off if they stop coming around. Also, she said she won't do it any more because I was jealous, not because there was anything wrong with it. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can get her to understand my side of this? So she won't see me as a jealous monster? I want her to change because SHE understands my feelings, not because she thinks I'm trying to control her. Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I need help with this. my fiance has alot of guy friends that are also exes. I have a problem with the way she acts with them, sitting on their laps, saying things that are inappropriate, etc. She swears she will never cheat on me, but shouldn't she change some of her actions, since she is engaged to me now. No, she shouldn't change and most likely won't. I assume she has acted like this throughout your relationship. The biggest mistake people seem to make is that just because you two are officially together, engaged, married, etc. the other person will totally change. The fact is they won't. By default people change very little unless they've had some sort of life-altering event. If you knew she acted like this and had a problem with it, it should have been addressed way before you considered getting engaged to her. People and relationships many times are a "take it or leave it" type deal. If you're happy with the person and how they are, you go for it. If you're not happy with them, you move on to someone else instead of getting with them and hoping you can change them. People are not made of clay. MD Link to post Share on other sites
tikigods Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 She knows what she is doing is wrong, but its easier to lay blame on you instead of taking responsablity for her actions. Why you would put up with this is beyond me though. She doesn't sound like she resepcts you at all, nor does she respect what you two have, why would you want to marry a woman that makes YOU feel bad for HER doing inapporrate stuff with her exs? And if she honestly doesn't know what she is doing is wrong, then you have far more problems then this. I say cut ties now, before it goes to far Link to post Share on other sites
rude dude Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 It is not O.k to disrepect you inpublic like that. I'm willing to bet that your don't hit on women when you two are out. Lay down the law and teach her what's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 It is not O.k to disrepect you inpublic like that. I'm willing to bet that your don't hit on women when you two are out. Lay down the law and teach her what's right. Exactly right! I don't hit on women at all. I have laid the law down and I hope she will understand these things soon. Or we will have lots of problems in the future. What do you think about me acting like that if she does these things again, to see if it bothers her. Show her by example. I would hate for it to come to that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 She knows what she is doing is wrong, but its easier to lay blame on you instead of taking responsablity for her actions. Why you would put up with this is beyond me though. She doesn't sound like she resepcts you at all, nor does she respect what you two have, why would you want to marry a woman that makes YOU feel bad for HER doing inapporrate stuff with her exs? And if she honestly doesn't know what she is doing is wrong, then you have far more problems then this. I say cut ties now, before it goes to far I really think she doesn't feel it's wrong. They are friends and have been for a while. Technically, she's not really doing anything to be considered cheating. It just makes me feel unconfortable and jealous. I think she should respect my feelings more. This shouldn't be such a big deal. All I asked her was to please stop doing certain things I think are inappropriate. If she won't quit, then I feel like she is deliberately disrespecting me. I don't want her to feel I'm trying to control her, I just wish she would think about things before she does them. I hope it doesn't come to cutting ties. Her children already call me Daddy. I know she loves me and I love her. I think she is just hard-headed and stubborn. Link to post Share on other sites
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