Freinds/More?/Back Off?

[InTheWeirdZone]

Hi,

Here's my problem. I will try to give you as many details without boring you as possible. I have a freind that I have know for a little over a year and a half. At first we were just freinds, worked together, had alot of the same hobbies, etc. After about 8 months, I started having feelings for her on a level higher than just as a freind. I told her this shortly after explaining that I wasn't exactly being the best of freinds keeping that secret from her. (Other people in the office knew and I wanted to tell her before someone else did.)

 

This did not go exactly as I would have hoped. She informed me that she was in a relationship, (which I knew but didn't let on entirely), and that she would hate to give up the relationship/freindship that we already had and would rather let it grow.

 

I did initially let this happen. We have grown into really good freinds, talking everyday. One big thing that I really don't enjoy hearing about is her BF that she doesn't feel treats her right. I never hear anything good about him.

 

I tried to get her out of my mind as "more than freinds" and tried to back away a bit, but she has increased her amount of wanting to get together and talking back and forth. She has even asked to help me with other projects that her and I did not used to do.

 

This week I asked her to go to Lunch with me. I told her it was just to get business stuff out of the way. She changed this to dinner to talk about business and "life stuff". She tends to send quite a few mixed signals.

 

My questions I guess, is does anyone think that by working with her she may have found feelings for me. If not how can I back away when she is more and more wanting to be involved. One time I went away over a week and my e-mail to her got kicked back and she didn't know. I got an e-mail everyday, sometimes twice a day wanting to know where I was and if everything was ok. The place I went had no phone reception, but when I got back in the state and my phone came back in she had left 3 messages. I don't know where I stand, if I am standing at all or if I should try to run the other direction.

 

Thanks for any suggestions.

[jerbear]

I would suggest a few options some of which is not the best in the long run.

 

1) Stick around, be a friend, casually date others, and wait for her to cross the line.

 

2) Back off a little and let the romantic feelings die off. It is much harder with the person near you.

 

3) Back off completely, let the feelings die off, move on, pursue others; because you know the two of you can't be friends.

 

4) Stick around as a friend only, no crossing the line and keep it platonic. (good luck considering #1 #2, & this one are similar)

 

Without knowing your situation, how do you feel? Can you be her friend without romantic feelings?

 

Are you willing to wait? Don't worry about her, can you wait?

 

Remember while you are waiting, there are others who would show interests. Also know that you are a crutch and a friend supporting her emotions. Since she knows where you stand, you know her stand. She has not broken up with her BF.

[InTheWeirdZone]

Thank You for the comments. Number 1, 2 and 4 sound somewhat reasonable. Number 3 is definately not an option becuase we are great freinds, even if I have swallowed my feelings for her. I still want her to be in my life.

 

I want to be able to back off without hurting her or me.

 

I do think I can be her freind without romantic feelings, but everytime I see her, they tend to come back a little.

 

How can I tell her that I need to back off a little without making her feel uncomfortable. I think this will be especially hard since the two of us always do alot of stuff together and have quite a few of the same hobbies that neither one of can change without affecting other people that don't deserve to be in the middle.

 

I don't know, sometimes I wish that we wouldn't have become such good freinds before I told her and it wouldn't be so hard.

[jerbear]

Thank You for the comments. Number 1, 2 and 4 sound somewhat reasonable. Number 3 is definately not an option becuase we are great freinds, even if I have swallowed my feelings for her. I still want her to be in my life.

 

I want to be able to back off without hurting her or me.

 

Sometimes it has to hurt to get better. Both of you, especially you, need to understand that a relationship should not be one sided. If you are with her and romantic feelings come back, it is one sided. You may oneday resent it and hate that you let a few other pass you by. She is with her bf so respect her decision; if not yourself.

 

Good friends are hard to come by, every relationship will change. Yours is at a cross road that either stays the course, advances, or diminishes.

 

I do think I can be her freind without romantic feelings, but everytime I see her, they tend to come back a little.

 

Been there done that, easily said then done. Not easy to can't be done when someone has the hots for the other.

 

How can I tell her that I need to back off a little without making her feel uncomfortable. I think this will be especially hard since the two of us always do alot of stuff together and have quite a few of the same hobbies that neither one of can change without affecting other people that don't deserve to be in the middle.

 

I don't know, sometimes I wish that we wouldn't have become such good freinds before I told her and it wouldn't be so hard.

 

You have tell her that you need time away and stop being available till those feelings are out of you for sure. You two may drift apart but if she is a friend, she should understand your actions.

 

I don't know, sometimes I wish that we wouldn't have become such good freinds before I told her and it wouldn't be so hard.

 

You wouldn't have gotten this far if you two weren't good friends. You might be in the Breaking Up or Coping forums.

[monkey00]

Hi,

One time I went away over a week and my e-mail to her got kicked back and she didn't know. I got an e-mail everyday, sometimes twice a day wanting to know where I was and if everything was ok. The place I went had no phone reception, but when I got back in the state and my phone came back in she had left 3 messages. I don't know where I stand, if I am standing at all or if I should try to run the other direction.

 

Exactly! dont regret doing this. Actually it's pretty good that this did happened, you became unpredictable. And you were nowhere to be found, so that increased her curiousity and interest in you. Yes she is your friend, but it doesnt mean you have to let her know every little detail of your life.

 

How can I tell her that I need to back off a little without making her feel uncomfortable. I think this will be especially hard since the two of us always do alot of stuff together and have quite a few of the same hobbies that neither one of can change without affecting other people that don't deserve to be in the middle.

 

who said you have to tell her? just be less available. Miss her calls every so often but call back at later times.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...realize that it's a fact.

 

if you truly do want to be more than friends, you have to realize that you have to -

 

A1) be able to walk away

A) possibly date others

B) Definitely be less available (that also means less talk time)

C) be busy

 

i didnt get to read jerbear's posts but he has good advice.

[InTheWeirdZone]

Thank You both very much for the added suggestions and comments. I do now realize that I need to try to spend more time away from her and will try.

 

I think I may need to find a couple new hobbies, since she has (since telling her) become more involved in the ones I already like.

 

I think maybe its time I took another small "vacation", parked my car in the garage and just stay out of her way for awhile.

 

One problem, what about those monthly meetings for the groups that we volunteer with that we really can not miss. How do I work around those, because I know the first thing she will do when she sees me is come up, hug me, and then sit by me the whole night wanting to know what I was up to.

 

I know that Jerbear said that maybe we end up drifting apart, but in our situation, I just think that without telling her exactly what and why I am doing it, it is almost impossible. Other than moving, we see so much of each other, it is unlikely that we wouldn't have contact with each other at times during the NC period.

 

I did end up still going to dinner with her, just because I had already made the plans and she changed some of hers to make it, but kept the conversations mostly to work and business.

 

Either way, I will try to make myself a little less available for the time being.

 

Thanks again.

[MadDog]

It sounds like she's using you as a supplemental boyfriend. The problem with that is that her real boyfriend gets all the goods (e.g. physical intimacy) while you're left with having to help her deal with her problems. Like others have said, just back off and maybe get a real girlfriend of your own. You'll have a lot more fun that way, I'm sure of it.

 

MD

[InTheWeirdZone]

Almost true MadDog. From what I hear from EVERYONE. Her BF is getting nothing, pretty much cause he's never around. When he is around, she's with me. One time he even approached me and told me he didn't like how much time I spent with "his woman". I totally understand where he's coming from, but his only problem, is that she was standing right next to him and told him that "she will spend as much time as she wants".

 

I do get the emotional problems though, kinda the crying shoulder. (mostly about him)

 

I have gone out twice since telling her, both times, she found out thru mutual freinds, and before I even got done with the date, I have voicemails from her.

 

Neither date turned out, thru no fault of hers though. Both dates were dates from Hell that I was setup to go on. One ate like she was sitting at a trough and the other didn't say two words the whole night. Woohoo party.

 

Thank you though for the suggestion. I appreciate it.

[notmakingsense]

ITSWZ - I think you are handling things perfectly. Have a life of your own, pursue your own interests, and date others. You don't need to hide anything about what you are doing from her, nor do you need to cut back on platonic meetings with her -- after all, she's a friend. The only reason to cut back would be if it hurts you to be reminded that you aren't her bf yet. If she ever starts to cross the line and let you know about deeper feelings, then it will be time to (re) admit that you would like to pursue things, but not until she has broken up with her current bf.

[monkey00]

 

I do get the emotional problems though, kinda the crying shoulder. (mostly about him)

 

 

 

mad dog is right.

Anyway once you become the emotional shoulder for this girl, you're entering deep waters my friend....

 

The best thing that a guy can do when he's on a date with a girl and hear her moan about an ex, another guy, or the bf....is to act disinterested, and change the topic.

 

If she still keeps ranting on, get up and walk away. it's the only thing to do to avoid the friend trap.

 

Dont let her use you like this my friend, you have to make a stand starting somewhere.

[monkey00]

One last piece of advice, you have to be able to risk losing the friendship.

 

If you are afraid of losing her friendship, then all the advice we've given you is useless.

[InTheWeirdZone]

Thank You notmakingsense and monkey00 for the latest suggestions and comments.

 

As far as reminding me that I am not her boyfreind. One thing that I told her even when I first told her that I had feelings for her was that I NEVER wanted to ever get in the way of her and her boyfreind. I just wanted her to know how I felt before she found out from someone else. I just didn't want her to find out later down the road and think everything I have done was to get her to like me back, rather than actually being becuase we share commonalities.

 

As for the comment about being able to risk losing the freindship. I unfortunately will never let that happen because of me. I would rather hide the way I feel and go on as it is, before letting her get hurt because I can not control my feelings. We have too much time and effort into this freindship to let it all go. I am however willing to put things on hold for a while. I am not yet 100% sure if I will tell her exactly why I need some time away, but either way I will still try to get apart from her more than usual.

 

I don't want anyone to think that the comments that they gave me are not being advised and welcomed. I am very thankful for them, I just refuse to let something that we have worked so hard on to be thrown away.

[monkey00]

Thank You notmakingsense and monkey00 for the latest suggestions and comments.

 

As far as reminding me that I am not her boyfreind. One thing that I told her even when I first told her that I had feelings for her was that I NEVER wanted to ever get in the way of her and her boyfreind. I just wanted her to know how I felt before she found out from someone else. I just didn't want her to find out later down the road and think everything I have done was to get her to like me back, rather than actually being becuase we share commonalities.

 

As for the comment about being able to risk losing the freindship. I unfortunately will never let that happen because of me. I would rather hide the way I feel and go on as it is, before letting her get hurt because I can not control my feelings. We have too much time and effort into this freindship to let it all go. I am however willing to put things on hold for a while. I am not yet 100% sure if I will tell her exactly why I need some time away, but either way I will still try to get apart from her more than usual.

 

I don't want anyone to think that the comments that they gave me are not being advised and welcomed. I am very thankful for them, I just refuse to let something that we have worked so hard on to be thrown away.

 

its good your making yourself distant. however if you want your life to go on, date other girls...but dont have high expectations of getting with your friend or else it will hinder your relationships with others.

 

just remember that once you set this in motion, your friendship with her will never be the same. But right now you're making the right choice. stay around her too much...you'll never end up letting go.

[InTheWeirdZone]

Well its been since last Sunday that I talked with her. I have gotten almost 10 e-mails from her. I told her that I need a little bit of time to myself. I told her that I had to get some stuff in order and she immediately asked if she had done something to hurt me. I told her no, that she was still the girl I met the first day and always will be, I just had to take some time out for myself. She said she understood and you could tell she was trying to hold back tears. (I told her at lunch that was preplanned for a while). When I left she hugged me, which was normal, but it did last alot longer this time.

 

I read the e-mails, but not the e-card because it tells the other person that you opened the mail. The e-mails are mostly just to see how I am and that if I need ANYTHING to let her know. I do have to meet her again in a week and a half for a monthly group meeting and hopefully I can make it thru the meeting.

 

She heard thru a mutual freind that I had a date (nothing big, setup by another freind). She hasn't asked me about it, but has asked our freind a couple times about how it went and if I am seeing her again.

 

The only thing I hate not doing is not responding to voice mails. I can always say I couldnt get my computer to work, but she know I use my phone everyday for work and home stuff. The message she left was just to check in and see how I was doing and to appologize for some stupid little thing that happened forever ago and you could hear her voice was quite shaky by the end of the call.

 

I really hope that this does what I am hoping it does. I hope that by not responding she can slowly let me be and not have to call or e-mail everyday.

 

I will have one week of almost 100% NC this Sunday. I plan to go until the meeting and that is in a week and a half. Even this week has been the longest we haven't talked in the entire time we have known each other.