How does one surround oneself with the kinds of people one seeks?

[Lights]

The question sounds so simple, but sadly I'm in my mid-to-late 20s and I still haven't figured it out.

 

There is a common urban myth that people meet as friends or whatever else via common interests.

 

For the last several years I've found myself in a quandary; what does one do when one's interests fail to put one around the kinds of people one wants to be around, or if one just doesn't have access to the kinds of people one seeks?

 

Some years in the past, I tried the foolish tactic of doing things I'm not interested in a desperate attempt to surround myself with more people (even then, one can be surrounded by people and yet isolated, but that's another matter). The result was just lackluster social results, boredom with the activity, and frustration and increasing anger as I realized that I didn't want to be there, and that I wasn't being genuine to myself either by doing that. I've not made that mistake since for a significant number of years.

 

This quandary seems to have permeated too many areas of my life (e.g. failing to surround myself with highly disciplined, clued-in fellow students in night classes, failing to find workmates as anything more than workmates instead of possible buddies due to not having anything else in common, failing to find enough women as possible date material due to having solitary or male-dominated hobbies and operating in guy-heavy environments, etc.), and it's getting painful. I'd much appreciate any (serious and effective) advice if anyone here will offer it.

[Butterflying]

From what you've written, it seems like you have surrounded yourself with people who do things you AREN'T interested in just for the sake of not being alone. This isn't good.

 

It's not a myth to attract the type of person you want by frequenting places where that type of person is. For instance, if I decide I like intelligent people, I will frequent libraries, colleges, and many intellectual events. If I want a doctor, I could volunteer at a hospital, or join an organization that doctores typically join.

 

Here's the trick, if the type of person you want has something in common with yourself, then you really shouldn't have any problems finding interesting activities. Just do you you love, natrually. Eventually, you'll find her.

[Lights]

From what you've written, it seems like you have surrounded yourself with people who do things you AREN'T interested in just for the sake of not being alone. This isn't good.

 

I don't do that now. I stopped doing that years ago. As I wrote in my original post, that is a tactic which I had foolishly tried in the past, which I have not repeated. I couldn't agree more though that it isn't good.

 

It's not a myth to attract the type of person you want by frequenting places where that type of person is. For instance, if I decide I like intelligent people, I will frequent libraries, colleges, and many intellectual events. If I want a doctor, I could volunteer at a hospital, or join an organization that doctores typically join.

 

And therein is the problem.

 

That's a valid tactic if and only if the places being frequented are actually of interest to oneself. (As per your example, only if the one who wants to meet doctors is truly interested in the volunteer work at the hospital or the organization, or if the person who seeks intelligent people happens to find the intellectual events at the libraries interesting). Otherwise it degenerates once again into spending time doing things one isn't interested in in a desperate attempt to find people.

 

But what does one do when one's true interests don't put one in the places where those types of people are?

 

For an extreme (albeit silly) example which illustrates the point I'm trying to make, imagine someone whose work life is solitary and whose primary avocational interest is setting up video game tournaments, and who pines for a social life that's gender-balanced and nerd-free. What choices would such a person have to accomplish such a goal, given the likely demographic situation s/he would face? (Granted, it'd take a hell of a lot of naivete for someone get into such a situation as this, but I'm just trying to illustrate a point.)

[Outcast]

imagine someone whose work life is solitary and whose primary avocational interest is setting up video game tournaments, and who pines for a social life that's gender-balanced and nerd-free. What choices would such a person have to accomplish such a goal, given the likely demographic situation s/he would face?

 

You can't always get what you want. In the above case, clearly the person wants something that is extremely hard to achieve given his interests.

 

Your choices are to develop the same interests as people who you want to hang with or else accept that you'll be solo. There's a million activities one can take part in - surely there must be something that can interest you where your 'kind' of people may also gather.

 

Sadly, we can't mold the world to our taste. Part of growing up is learning to deal with the fact that life just will not do what you want it to.