Is it too late?

[Sad]

Hi-

 

I reposted my original message below so that this update will make sense. He left for college 2 weeks ago. We left on very good terms, spent the whole night before he left talking and packing. Since he left, he hasn't called as much and seemed very distant. I figured he was just adjusting and to give him so space. We have spoke on and off, but nothing compared to the previous year when he was away. Finally we have a big discussion about it- he says we can't talk as much because we aren't together and that things cannot be like last year where we spoke all the time. I try my best to respect this, but still find myself calling and missing him. Then we get to today- it all blew up. He says he wants nothing to do with me, we can't speak or be friends. He says we have to move on from this once and for all and that we can no longer be apart of each other's lives. Of course I am in shock right now, but I want to know if there is anything I can do at this point. I really just want a friendship and to have this person in my life. Is it too late? I know I can't change his mind, but would really backing off and giving him his space help matters at all or is it over? I know people break up and go their separate ways, but we have always been such close friends, and I simply cannot imagine this person not in my life. I feel like I would always know him and be his friend. Is this temporary? I can't just close the door and walk away. At the same point I don't want to push him away any further. Please help- I appreciate it so much.

 

Hi,

 

I am going to try my best to put a 5 year saga into a brief message. Here's my best attempt;

 

I am now 21. Boy is 21 as well. We met when we were 16. Got together, etc. Went through most the normal teenage bs with friends, life, our insane selves and so forth. We graduate. He goes away to school, still in state, but about 5 hour away. We arn't officially "together", never really had been. That was always the thing with us- we always went back and forth on and off again. This was him. I always knew what I felt for him, he on the other hand could change his feelings depending on the time of day. No matter if we were together or not, we were always friends and never stopped being friends. This usually lead to us getting back together. For the first two years of college it was on and off like usual. This past year he went away to a different school- this time 4,000 miles away. He started saying he didn't have feelings for me, wanted to try new things, etc. Mind you both of us have never even dated any other people during this time. Turns out this past year was our first year of really being together, official and all. It seemed like finally he was getting his stuff together, commitment issues, etc., and I felt like all my waiting and support and paid off. He comes home this summer from school and that gets us to the present situation.

 

After having the best year of our relationship, he comes home saying it's over. This time he questions us even being friends. I'm leaving out alot of my feelings, suffering, etc., and just trying to get to the point on all this. So now this time it's over. It seems pretty final too- usually I just give it some time and we end up back together, but this time I'm scard it's it. He's leaving for school in a week, and I fear that he's going to try and cut contact. We've remained friends for the summer, although he's been very distant, and hardly a friend. This has been hard for me, since I at least want some sort of friendship. I believe this time he is going to date others, which scares me since it's never happened. He says he knows this isn't right, that this has gone on for too long, and that he does not love me and we need to move on.

 

I love this person more than anything and will and have done anything for him. I want to respect and support his feelings and I am trying my best, although I am scared to death I'm going to lose him this time. I know there really isn't anything I can do, but something tells me there must be something. This isn't something I'm just going to let go of. I understand that he wants to be independent and grow and deal with his own personal issues, and that means that having a girlfriend isn't the best thing. I just worry he'll find someone else says he's saying it is indeed his lack of feelings for me that is the cause for all this. Somehow I still have the strongest feeling that we are meant to be. I think I would know if this is it. He says he doesn't love me, but I just don't understand how it's possible- and I'm not living in denial here. I know we're both at a hard age and are both going through some hard stuff right now, but does that mean he's never going to open to giving us a change again? What can I do here? I want to make this work.

 

Thanks so much for reading......

[midori]

Dear Sad,

 

I'm sorry that you're in such an unhappy place right now. I also know from experience how difficult it is to really hear & understand that no matter how attached you are to this guy, no matter how true your love for him is, by far the best thing to do is to let go of him completely.

 

I know whereof I speak. I've been grappling with the loss of a 3 year relationship for the last several months. Dealing with the pain was hard & compounded by the fact that he lives half way around the world and had broken up with me in a panic, 48 hours after spending a very nice week with me. I thought that I wouldn't be able to let go until I had some closure, some answers from him about what had caused him to break up with me. Now I have all the answers I'm ever going to get and they still don't satisfy. Still seems to me like he's kidding himself about whether or not he loves me. Still seems to me like sooner or later he's going to wake up and realize how desperately he misses me. But what he is saying is that he doesn't love me and doesn't want me back. So that's what I need to focus on. I've told him that I don't want to be in contact with him until I can say that I too am not in love (with him).

 

It's hard to let go of love but for your own sake you must. The mixed messages that you're receiving from this guy (mixed messages to you perhaps, e.g. if being in touch with you is causing him so much pain then surely he still loves you deeply) will only trip you up. Believe that it is over. Understand that he is going to move on and that if you were in contact with him that this would cause you enormous pain. Friendship isn't an option when your heart is engaged -- it's too damaging to you and it won't bring him around. You're certainly not doing yourself any favors by trying to support him and his needs at the expense of your own. Pretending to just be friends with someone you hope to reconnect with as a lover is a self-defeating torment.

 

I suggest you take him up on his request to cease all communication. When he comes home be sure to not be where he is likely to encounter you. If he tries to get in touch with you do not reply. Don't stay in his orbit. I'm sure it flatters him and is very reassuring to know that you're still there for him but he has made it very clear that he does not want to be there for you. He's not your friend. He's not your lover. Share your wonderful qualities with people who are ready and able to respond in kind.

 

I'm so sorry. I know exactly where you are and it sucks sucks sucks. But let go of this guy so that you can welcome someone who is ready to love you into your life.

 

Good Luck.

 

PS: another suggestion -- I just deleted 3 years' worth of email exchanges with my ex. I boxed up letters and put them in storage. Keeping around things that encourage you to dwell and to obsessively wonder if there's something more you could do will not help.