Reasons that wive's leave there husband's

[fairy_dust]

Question for everyone: Why do women leave there men?

[Art_Critic]

That is a pretty broad question..

 

What are you trying to figure out ? Maybe explain your situation some..

[fairy_dust]

I have already posted my situation but I want to know about what other people think? A broad question can lead to a line of threads it's "general" so no boundaries as to specifics.

[Becoming]

I read somewhere that women leave men because they can't negotiate with them for what they want and need. I think there's truth there.

 

Which is related to men not hearing women or trying to understand, empathize. Without these things, there can't be any negotiating of needs.

[basscatcher]

I'll tell you why I left mine..

 

In the beginning things were good we were like best friends, lovers and inseperatable; everyone thought we were this amazing couple, then within 3 years this shyt developed:

 

*He wouldn't listen to me when I needed to talk.

*He rarely sympathized or empathized with me about things.

*He wasn't affectionate towards me unless he wanted sex.

*He was absent in the relationship..

*He was selfish and self serving.

*He flirted with lots of brunette women and I'm strawberry blonde. (made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me.)

He would leave as soon as we got home from work.(worked at the same place.)

*He would be out until sometime between 2 am and 6am on Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes even leave after we got home from going out to the bar with our friends.

*He took his brother, mom and dad over his son and me.

*Our son and I were always second to everything.

*He didn't take any responsiblity with money or bills. (I had t take his paycheck from him and never give him the checkbook....)

*He couldn't talk to me decent; always had a attitude towards me.

*Blamed me for his problems and his stress.

*He was smoking weed and hide it from me. (I had to deal with his moodiness when he came down.)

*He didn't know how to stop drinking when he started. (He would get so drunk that he would stupid shyt--one time he jumped out of the car while I driving after closing the bar and he went skidding down the highway (on ice) in cowboy boots at 45 mph..)

*He was lazy around the house--if something needed to be fixed I HAD TO LEARN TO FIX IT.. (thats why I am a jane-of-all-trades).

*I would wake up at 3-4am and he wouldn't be in bed, I could see the light from the TV down the hallway and when I went to check on him he was watching porn masterbating on the couch.. (even after having sex with me....) (He's a sex addict...) (He would treat me like the women in the videos and would talk to me in that manner also, He wanted me to do the things they did also which I refused...)

*I would find porn mags all over the house in areas that are easily accessable. If we would have had company I would have been soo embarrassed and also we had a toddler in the house that could have found them.. Ughh.

*He was physically abusive-when he got upset over little things he would grab me, push me, shove me, throw me, pin me down. restrain me, sit on me so I couldn't breath.

*He verbally abused me by calling me all kinds of names he could think of and he would accuse me of stuff I didn't do or say.

*He would threaten me if I didn't do such and such he would leave me, cheat on me, find someone else, he would make gestures like he was going to hit me or beat the shyt out of me.

*He blamed his actions on his friends or someone else.

*I went to counceling and he came maybe 2 times and he tried to manipulate the councelors. The councelor refused to see him again and said he is controlling, abusive and has no respect for anyone.

*He takes no responsibility for his own actions.

*He thinks his way is ALWAYS the right way and the ONLY way..

*He says there is nothing wrong with him.

*He accused me of overspending money on myself when I spent it all on bills, food, household goods and supplies. I rarely spent money on myself personally except makeup, feminine supplies and my clothes all came from second hand stores while I bought new stuff for him and our son.....

 

This is why I left him.

 

I found out later that he also had (that I know of) 7 affairs. I wondered why I developed bacterial infections for no reason and also why I had repeated yeast infections... He was infecting me with multiple partners. My doctor also asked if I suspected if my husband was having a extra maratial affair..

[catgirl1927]

Women leave men for the same reason men leave women - the relationship isn't working out. They are unhappy and the other person is unwilling or unable to meet the needs they need met.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I think Pada pretty much nailed it down.

 

I think the only thing that would make me leave my husband would be if he hit me.

 

Anything else can be worked out if we both wanted to.

 

The being selfish, cheating, not meeting needs - ALL that can be fixed in time with help of marriage counselling AS LONG AS both people want it to work. Once one person wants out, it doesn't matter what the other person feels/thinks - It's done and over.

[basscatcher]

I also want to add the fact that:

 

He has the poorest hygiene I've met in a man.

He would go months without brushing his teeth.

He showered maybe 2 times a week.

He didn't eat right so he has a naturally bad odor on his body. (greasy foods, processed foods.)

He has really oily and acidic skin which doesn't help with his odor.

He didn't clean his ears out so the ear wax was disgusting.

He would drench himself in cologne and if he used one he liked then it made you nauseous.

He would go days without shaving.

He had the worse smelling feet. OMG--The dog would cover his nose.

 

I don't know what women seen in him as time passed. He was ok in the first few years but damn he got nasty.. We had a queen size water bed and I made him sleep on his side of the bed and I rolled in the crack between the bag and the wall of the bed to just be away from him.. I had the change the sheets on the bed 1-2 times a week and even washing them in hot sudsy water didn't remove the oils from his skin and hair..

 

I'm not kidding.. He really got bad and let himself go.. Gross..

[whichwayisup]

EWWWW that is gross! I don't understand why some let themselves go like that. Has to be either depression or trying to repell people away!

 

That is one thing I'm aware of, scents from other people. If someone doesn't smell nice that's quite offensive.

[fairy_dust]

Gosh Pada I feel so bad that you had to go threw all that! Well it's good to know that you left him and moving on with your life.... I wish you all the best

[basscatcher]

Fairy_dust

 

We all have our trials in life. Some worse then others. But its about learning from it all and not letting it destroy us or ruin us.

 

I repeated some of my own mistakes even after walking out on my marriage .

I got involved with another man who was similiar to my XH. I ended that relationship 4 1/2 yrs later. He too started out great but turned nasty.

I learned things from him also.

 

Not all the things we learn are bad or come from bad. I had good times with all the men I have been involved with. I learned from each of them good things. I also learned more about what bad things I will not tolerate..

 

I have been asked if I could go back and change my past would I? (I'm sure we've all been asked this.)

I would NOT... I learned way to much from all of my life experiences. Especially the bad ones. I am stronger, wiser, I have gained wisdom, knowledge. I learned life lessons. I can hook up a Washer and dryer. I can fix a vacuum cleaner. I can change my own oil in my car. I can make Tortillas and fried black beans. There is good with bad.. and bad with good.

 

If I changed anything I would not be the person I am today.. I like the fact I can empathize, sympathize with others. That I have the knowledge and skills I have today. My past has helped me become who I am and I am a good person with a big heart who loves people and I love to help others. I am creative and detail oriented. I have good values and morals...

 

I can understand people empathy for me but don't feel sorry for me. I learned a great deal from the experiences and its for the good...

 

I didn't reject the lessons

[Becoming]

Fairy_dust

 

We all have our trials in life. Some worse then others. But its about learning from it all and not letting it destroy us or ruin us.

 

I repeated some of my own mistakes even after walking out on my marriage .

I got involved with another man who was similiar to my XH. I ended that relationship 4 1/2 yrs later. He too started out great but turned nasty.

I learned things from him also.

 

Not all the things we learn are bad or come from bad. I had good times with all the men I have been involved with. I learned from each of them good things. I also learned more about what bad things I will not tolerate..

 

I have been asked if I could go back and change my past would I? (I'm sure we've all been asked this.)

I would NOT... I learned way to much from all of my life experiences. Especially the bad ones. I am stronger, wiser, I have gained wisdom, knowledge. I learned life lessons. I can hook up a Washer and dryer. I can fix a vacuum cleaner. I can change my own oil in my car. I can make Tortillas and fried black beans. There is good with bad.. and bad with good.

 

If I changed anything I would not be the person I am today.. I like the fact I can empathize, sympathize with others. That I have the knowledge and skills I have today. My past has helped me become who I am and I am a good person with a big heart who loves people and I love to help others. I am creative and detail oriented. I have good values and morals...

 

I can understand people empathy for me but don't feel sorry for me. I learned a great deal from the experiences and its for the good...

 

I didn't reject the lessons

 

 

And this is why we love her.

[fairy_dust]

You know Pada comparing your past relationship with my marriage and the man I married I don't have it as bad. Reading your post has been helpful to me seeing that the kind of man I have in my life doesn't have all those problems. So with the issue that I am thinking I should leave my husband because of occasional emails from his ex gf. Doesn't seem worth it, but I don't know if he has done anything else without my knowledge to contact his ex in other discreetful ways.

 

See I'm the type of person who feels and thinks that when a relationship is over it's over and it's never advisable to keep in touch or be "friends" with an ex because then it will or may interfer with the present relationship. In cases that children are involve there are boundaries and as such. I feel there should be boundaries to where my spouse should respect that it is bugging me that I know his ex still emails him and god knows what they all email each other about. He says he never emails her back and so I have no choice but to take his word for it. He says it's something that I should not worry about, but how can I when I have these erraticating thoughts if he is doing something more. Especially when I had asked him if he still loves her and doesn't give me a straight yes or no answer.

 

Considering that when he asked me about my ex's I told him flat out there have no need to be involved in my life anymore and they don't need to stay in touch with me. So why is it that he seems reserved when I tell him to change his email account name, he get's fussy about it and defensive. As well as telling me lame answer's the he stay's in touch with her because she's a "good person" well what the hell I'm a good person my ex's are good people but damn it's not a feasible reason to stay in contact and wanting to interact. I wonder if he is just having me as a temporary stop over as he serves in the military. I feel like I am second best when it comes to a stupid email account and he seems to be so uptight and defensive about it.

 

I want to make the right and thought out choices for my marriage and not just jump into conclusions here, but with out assurance and the respect that I WANT as I give 100 times fold to him I make myself vulnerable and show my weak side and not being so alphamale like or egotistacal. That's because I love this man and when you love someone it's a risk that you take and as such I don't understand why he can't give that vulnerbility to me. As I do and he get's so bent out of shape when I tell him to change his stupid email account or I bitch why is she still this and that.......what's so important that he has to have it current with people who knows him? especially his ex gf.....

[basscatcher]

You know Pada comparing your past relationship with my marriage and the man I married I don't have it as bad. Reading your post has been helpful to me seeing that the kind of man I have in my life doesn't have all those problems. So with the issue that I am thinking I should leave my husband because of occasional emails from his ex gf. Doesn't seem worth it, but I don't know if he has done anything else without my knowledge to contact his ex in other discreetful ways.

Not everyone's situations are as bad as mine got and some are worse. But don't use mine or someone elses as a rule to measure with.

It is about you.. What are your boundries? What are you values?

You need to deciede what you can live with and what you cannot and live true to them. Don't beocome a doormat to someone. You deserve to be respected, loved and the first person in your SO life.. (next to himself and God of course.)

 

See I'm the type of person who feels and thinks that when a relationship is over it's over and it's never advisable to keep in touch or be "friends" with an ex because then it will or may interfer with the present relationship. In cases that children are involve there are boundaries and as such. I feel there should be boundaries to where my spouse should respect that it is bugging me that I know his ex still emails him and god knows what they all email each other about. He says he never emails her back and so I have no choice but to take his word for it. He says it's something that I should not worry about, but how can I when I have these erraticating thoughts if he is doing something more. Especially when I had asked him if he still loves her and doesn't give me a straight yes or no answer.

 

I gree with once a relationship is over with a SO then it is OVER... There is NO reason to keep in constant contact. I consider some of my XBFs friends but we do not go out of each others way to keep in contact. They have good qualities about them and I do me but we were not compatable. I personally feel if I can't let go of them and I need constant contact with them then something is missing in my own life that they are filling. I would need to figure out what it is thats missing in my current relationship I'm seeking in another. My XH and I tried to do the friendship thing because we spent 11 1/2 yrs together and there was a sense or understanding between us and I could see through him like a glass window. He would seek me out for advice on his relationships because they always fall apart. He never changed...!! Point and problem in his face.!!

But he overstepped my boundrys and that was it.. I don't want contact with him anymore unless its regarding our son. Our son doesn't want contact with him anyway.. (I also have a order of protection on my XH for assulting, threatening and harrassing me.)

I think it is best to cut ties from the past.. When intimacy has taken place with someone there is a bond of ownership that has developed.. You will always feel possessive of the other person in one way or another. It has been proven. You get emotionally involved in that persons personal life and you have no business being there. They are your X.. Let them go..

 

Your SO is dealing with something that he isn't sharing with you if he isn't disconnecting from his X. He is lacking somethng she is filling or has filled and he wants it.

 

Considering that when he asked me about my ex's I told him flat out there have no need to be involved in my life anymore and they don't need to stay in touch with me. So why is it that he seems reserved when I tell him to change his email account name, he get's fussy about it and defensive. As well as telling me lame answer's the he stay's in touch with her because she's a "good person" well what the hell I'm a good person my ex's are good people but damn it's not a feasible reason to stay in contact and wanting to interact. I wonder if he is just having me as a temporary stop over as he serves in the military. I feel like I am second best when it comes to a stupid email account and he seems to be so uptight and defensive about it.

Your philosphey is healthy about Xs being out of your life there is no need to continue contact. (psychologist taught me this.) If he is defending her and isn't willing to give up contact with her and he fuss's about it then you have a issue on your hands. He hasn't let go of her. He is still emotionally connected to her.

Have you spoken to her? Have you asked her what her interest is in him? and have you informed her that he still lingers for her.

You may need to be aggressive with her and him...

Don't set yourself up to be used, hurt, neglected. You deserve his totally focus and attention.

I have had to change emails before to end contact so its nothiing uncommon.

 

I want to make the right and thought out choices for my marriage and not just jump into conclusions here, but with out assurance and the respect that I WANT as I give 100 times fold to him I make myself vulnerable and show my weak side and not being so alphamale like or egotistacal. That's because I love this man and when you love someone it's a risk that you take and as such I don't understand why he can't give that vulnerbility to me. As I do and he get's so bent out of shape when I tell him to change his stupid email account or I bitch why is she still this and that.......what's so important that he has to have it current with people who knows him? especially his ex gf.....

 

Did you marry him right away? Did he do a shotgun wedding to you shortly after breaking up with his X? Maybe I am misunderstanding your posts!

He doesn't sound like he is giving 100% of himself. He is giving some to his X for some reason. I would suggest counceling for yourself. Then I would also ask him -in a comfortable, non-destracting enviroment, calmly and quietly ask him if he is not feeling whole with you and if there was something missing or wrong. Don't let him sweettalk you. Ask him if you can talk with her. If ne says NO ask him why? Tell him you want to speak to both of them together. If he says NO then I would really be concerned..

 

My man wants me to meet his female friends. He doesn't want to hide them from me. He doesn't want me to meet his X. He has made it clear to me he doesn't even want to talk to his X either. She is the one harrassing him. I call her is stalker... He rolls his eyes at me without smiling. It bothers him that she is doing this and she knows he has moved on..

 

I understand you love your man... But that doesn't mean you have to be a doormat or second.. You deserve to be his first and only woman... He doesn't need another woman if he choses you. If he is lacking something from you then you both need to work on it together and he needs to not go outside the relationship. All things are workable as long as both want it.. It takes two to make things work--It takes one to ruin everything.. Don't subject yourself to less then you deserve.......You are worth more then being second and being left out of the life you are suppose to have with him.

 

 

It is hard to do. I know this first hand.

 

I have a philiosophy for myself:

When I am done with someone I am done for good.... I exhaust all my resources to make things work while I am involved with someone. If we actually BREAK-UP then I am done for good..

 

It is not easy for people to change or seriously make an effort to change so if the man I am involved with doesn't make serious effort I will erase him and he will never be with me again... I don't break up with someone unless I am exhausted and resourced out.....Which takes a lot..

[scarey]

I think we all need support in the ways which we are trying to improve our lives...if I had the support I need ,would I even be on this site?I've been married a long time, but I am not very happy. Control issues,negative thinking, self-centreness are all a big problem.Why am I here?. I keep thinking until I do all I need to do to make it better, I shouldn't go.I don't think there is a chance in hell of resurrecting any old feelings, but do I really know that for sure??

[basscatcher]

I think we all need support in the ways which we are trying to improve our lives...if I had the support I need ,would I even be on this site?I've been married a long time, but I am not very happy. Control issues,negative thinking, self-centreness are all a big problem.Why am I here?. I keep thinking until I do all I need to do to make it better, I shouldn't go.I don't think there is a chance in hell of resurrecting any old feelings, but do I really know that for sure??

 

BINGO---this is why I endured 11 1/2 yrs. HOPE, Dreams, also the fear of being alone with a small child. But I did it finally when I found the strength within me and had a supporting gf who stood by me day and night

[fairy_dust]

Pada I was involved with s/o for about a year and 8 months but during that time we broke up. It was my first time to feel a heart break as I married young, I handle the situation very maturily I still went to work, I hung around my family alot but they noticed how depressed and sad I was by the break up. I did my own thing and tried to get him off my mind. I knew that when I cried and cried and felt so bad about the first break we had I was love in with him. I called to set up times to visit my kitty cats but really just to see and talk with him. I didn't go all crazy over him to stalk him or really became a problem. I gave him his space and left him alone, but it was in fact that he was the one who showed up to my work unexpectedly and gave me flowers etc.

 

I was planning to leave home and move to another place just to be away from him as I couldn't stand the pain. He ended up calling me over to is place and we talked and well one thing lead to another and he asked me to move back in etc. I did it because I loved him I missed him alot and I yearned for the emotions we shared when we first went out. Do understand that this all went on 2 years and some months ago.

 

Now we are just doing our own thing because he has been on deployment he emails me alot and that let's me know he cares and when he is home he shows me the love. Although I sense that he has something he puts away and thinks about quietly and the only thing I can come up with is his ex girlfriend. We are not the same age he is in his mid 30s and well his ex is in her early 30s as well. I don't want to talk to her I feel there is no need and it's useless...why? I don't know her and I don't care to know her.....

 

I feel that it's him he has to deal with whatever it is he feeling and I just want him to be honest and come right out and tell me how he feels. Because it is certainly unfair to me and I refuse to live in this twisted mindset he has. Being married to me as he may still have feelings for his ex and the possibilites with her may ruin him and I = US. We are relocating again and I want to be sure I am making the right decision to continue to put my life, commitment and heart at risk with him.

[Becoming]

We women have a desire to have men connect with us emotionally and share themselves like we do with our gfs. But they rarely do. Men are tricky to have these kinds of conversations with.

 

Here are two past LS threads that helped me with regard to this communication problem with men and women.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t76951/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t77122/

 

And you're not crazy about the x. If something he does upsets you, you have a right to have that respected and not argued with.

[scarey]

Hmm.My H just stormed off-He was angry because I had 2 phone calls this evening-he said it was planned.I am in a 12 step program and I am supposed to both receive support from that fellowship and support others there.He doesn't understand nor does he want to.Is it any wonder I choke on resentment and don't want him near me.This has gone on for years.

[whichwayisup]

Hmm.My H just stormed off-He was angry because I had 2 phone calls this evening-he said it was planned.I am in a 12 step program and I am supposed to both receive support from that fellowship and support others there.He doesn't understand nor does he want to.Is it any wonder I choke on resentment and don't want him near me.This has gone on for years.

So your husband is not supportive of you getting phone calls from a sponser or someone who cares enough to check in on you? Doesn't he understand that THIS is part of your recovery? (I'm assuming that it's alcohol.) Has he ever gone to Ala-non? That would help him through this as well.

 

I'm sorry that he isn't being supportive of you during all this. Talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel - Even try some couples therapy to atleast see if the marriage is worth saving? Being in an unhappy marriage isn't helping you (or him) so at some point when you're strong enough, you may have to make a choice, what is best for you.

[JayKay]

The reasons I've left significant others;

 

 

* To relieve them of the mindset that now that they 'had' me it was OK to be a s***. No. Wrong. Bye

 

 

* Alcoholism, I discovered, is a deal breaker

 

 

* So is celibacy

[Curmudgeon]

Agreed. There have to be as many reasons as there are women who have left.

 

The ex left me for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that she thought the grass was greener elsewhere. Given her current circumstances vs. mine, I think she was wrong.

 

Doesn't matter. i like my side of the fence just fine!

[scarey]

So your husband is not supportive of you getting phone calls from a sponser or someone who cares enough to check in on you? Doesn't he understand that THIS is part of your recovery? (I'm assuming that it's alcohol.) Has he ever gone to Ala-non? That would help him through this as well.

 

I'm sorry that he isn't being supportive of you during all this. Talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel - Even try some couples therapy to atleast see if the marriage is worth saving? Being in an unhappy marriage isn't helping you (or him) so at some point when you're strong enough, you may have to make a choice, what is best for you.

 

He is not ready to hear about Al-Anon,counselling or anything like that. I try (sometimes) to accept I have to control over him, only me, but frankly, I stink at it and I react with hurt and anger