Suggestions to let go.

[CaliGuy]

Ok, if some of you have some tips for letting go and moving on, I would love to hear them.

 

NC is of course on the top of the list. I try to picture my ex and how cold and indifferent she was to me as tool in letting go (hey, if she doesn't love me then she doesn't deserve my time).

 

I have good days and bad days, though the last couple weeks have been pretty bad for me. I'm missing her in a big way. But, I do try and remind myself that to waste my time thinking about someone who doesn't love me is akin to slamming my head against the wall. It accomplishes about the same thing.

 

So what do you do?

[kitten chick]

But, I do try and remind myself that to waste my time thinking about someone who doesn't love me is akin to slamming my head against the wall.

That's a good start, however, if you force yourself to stop thinking about your ex then you will think about her. If you're thinking about her often, find things that you enjoy to switch to and replace her in your thoughts.

 

There are no tricks, it has to come from within you. You have to believe that both of your lives were on their own paths which crossed for a time but went on their own way again. They were part of your life for a while but they're not anymore so keep the memories and let the rest go.

 

It will also help if you stop blaming yourself for the demise of the relationship. You got into the relationship together and you got out together, it's nobody's fault. Remember that relationships were meant to end, they don't go on forever, they're a part of your life, not your whole life. That means that there will be something better in the future for you. If you don't have faith in that then it's likely that you'll never recover.

[Delicaterose00]

Hey Cali... I will tell you one thing, you have to stop all contact with her family, not just her. I loved my ex's parents very very much, they told me they felt like they were losing their daughter. My ex's dad even cried!!! It was ruff not talking to them, and I was told that my ex;s mom really needed to talk to me cause she was still missing me and all that but I cant. That was my past, Ill never be in their life again and I have to accept that, even though she does not quite understand. Its like living in the past talking to them. If you must talk, I would say write letters, its not as often and it lets you break away easier than emailing and having to hear her voice. I still miss his parents very very much... but its over... they are not my family anymore. Love just sucks.. I was just thinking this morning, I wonder if i can be hypmnotized to not remember him!!!! LMAO

[bendit]

For one thing don't "try" to stop thinking about her. You can't! Can't be done! You just have to let time heal. That's it. Time is going to get you through it. But you MUST stop all contact. And I mean all. You resumed contact and that has been a set back. Once you realize its OVER for good, then the only thing sensible is to exucute a 100% no contact policy. I have read countless posts from people trying to heal and the ones who made it through with the least pain in the least time stuck to 100% pure NC. 100% NC is amazing in its healing powers. When you accept that you are full on 100% NC, its really healing because you have truly LET GO.

 

regards

 

ps: cali I agree with some others that you take on way more than your share of the blame. Here is the way to think about it.

 

Accept 100% responsibility for your HALF of the relationship.

[luvtoto]

If I find myself pining for an X, I try to force/change my thinking to allow myself to concentrate on a bad habit of theirs; something about them that I won't miss at all. CaliGuy, I am sure she didn't meet *all* your needs realistically.

[Art_Critic]

Get underneath someone else..

[luvtoto]

Get underneath someone else..

 

Oh yea...that too!

[kitten chick]

Get underneath someone else..

That's dangerous for some people. It can screw you up even more. *me* case in point.

[Art_Critic]

That's dangerous for some people. It can screw you up even more. *me* case in point.

 

I'm not saying it is THE way.. but Caliguy has had enough time away from her and she has moved on and is with someone else..

 

Why not try and move on too ?

[Delicaterose00]

Here are some good sayings.. they make you think...

 

" I love you not because of who you are, but becaue of who I am when I am with you"

 

" No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, wont make you cry"

 

" Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have"

 

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right besdide them knowing you cant have them"

 

" Never frown even when you are sad, you never know who is falling in love with yoru smile"

 

" Dont waste your time on a man or woman who isnt willing to waste thier time on you"

 

" Maybe god wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know hot to be greatful"

 

" Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened"

[CaliGuy]

I'm not saying it is THE way.. but Caliguy has had enough time away from her and she has moved on and is with someone else..

 

Why not try and move on too ?

 

Tried it. Not working. Just makes me miss her more.

 

Yes, I take 100% of the blame for my side of the breakup.

 

I'm weaning her family from my life. That is taking time. Her mom said she felt she was losing her son-in-law and she knows how much I love the ex. She cried over the whole situation too.

 

Bah. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the point just before meeting her and had taken a different road. That's how much pain I am in. I just wish I could wipe my memory clean of her, like a chalk board, and start over.

 

I guess that is what NC is good for. Out of sight, out of mind.

[Art_Critic]

Damn Cali.. a few days ago you said you broke the tie with her parents..

 

You breaking NC at every turn..

 

Now I see why can't move on... you need to do NC

 

By keeping contact with her/family you are punishing yourself.. she is letting another guy bone her.. that alone should be enough to let you move on..

[CaliGuy]

Here are some good sayings.. they make you think...

 

" I love you not because of who you are, but becaue of who I am when I am with you"

 

That was me with her.

 

" No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, wont make you cry"

 

yep.

 

" Just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesnt mean they dont love you with all they have"

 

We didn't love each other the way we both wanted, but she didn't love me with all she had. Far from it.

 

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right besdide them knowing you cant have them"

 

That was definitely me.

 

" Never frown even when you are sad, you never know who is falling in love with yoru smile"

 

You know, I didn't smile much around her. I was a wreck.

 

" Dont waste your time on a man or woman who isnt willing to waste thier time on you"

 

Agreed.

 

" Maybe god wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know hot to be greatful"

 

I agree.

 

" Dont cry because its over, smile because it happened"

 

Ah but if it never happened I'd be smiling a lot more.

[kitten chick]

Your problem is that you haven't knocked her down to size yet. Hopefully one day you'll realize that she's just a fallible human being like the rest of us.

[CaliGuy]

Damn Cali.. a few days ago you said you broke the tie with her parents..

 

You breaking NC at every turn..

 

Now I see why can't move on... you need to do NC

 

By keeping contact with her/family you are punishing yourself.. she is letting another guy bone her.. that alone should be enough to let you move on..

 

I'm not trying to. Her mom emailed me in regards to her resume. She knows what I do for a living so she wanted my professional advice. I couldn't ignore her request. I didn't seek her out.

 

Yeah, she is boning another guy. She did before me and probably will after him too. Nothing I can do about it but shut it out of my mind.

 

I'm not breaking NC left and right. Any contact has been spurred by her and it's been very spare. No back and forth. Always short and sweet.

 

Maybe I am looking too much into it, but the fact she's sending me emails occasionally (once or twice a month) means I know to some degree I am on her mind. I'm not using that as a basis to hold on simply because she isn't saying what I want to hear.

 

But I also know her. She will never come right out and say she made a mistake. She'll start off slowly contacting me again, feeling me out. And I haven't bent or broken. I haven't begged or pleaded. I haven't mentioned anything regarding the relationship or any personal information. That's not to say I don't want to. I fight that urge every day, but I know it's in my best interest. There's a guide in love that says "Is your love so selfish that you will never be happy without them?" No, I can be happy without her. I don't need her in my life. I just want her in it.

 

I look at that as a positive step. If you knew how much I truly love this woman and how I acted in the past (I was your classic nice guy, groveling, crying, wimpy loser) then you'll see I have made progress.

 

I'm just not quite where I need to be just yet.

[JosiePosie]

Hey Cali... I will tell you one thing, you have to stop all contact with her family, not just her. I loved my ex's parents very very much, they told me they felt like they were losing their daughter. My ex's dad even cried!!! It was ruff not talking to them, and I was told that my ex;s mom really needed to talk to me cause she was still missing me and all that but I cant. That was my past, Ill never be in their life again and I have to accept that, even though she does not quite understand. Its like living in the past talking to them. If you must talk, I would say write letters, its not as often and it lets you break away easier than emailing and having to hear her voice. I still miss his parents very very much... but its over... they are not my family anymore. Love just sucks.. I was just thinking this morning, I wonder if i can be hypmnotized to not remember him!!!! LMAO

 

I am in the same boat. I got along with my ex's parents, 5 yr old son, family, and friends very much. Then to have that gone all of a sudden has been sad. His parents were awesome, they accepted me as part of the family almost instantly. His young son as well. His sister's do send me the odd joke email and inquire on my wellbeing through mutual friends, but I have to keep some distance in order to heal.

 

I do miss them all and feel sad that I have to let them go along with the relationship.

[justhavetoletgo]

I hope sooner then later you meet someone that makes you feel the way that you wanna feel. You deserve it cali you give great advice all the time........and try and help others with there problems the best you can.............You will met someone! and when you do you will never look back or if you do look back at the time with your ex it will be with a smile and a laugh.

 

all the best

[funkify]

Hi Caliguy,

 

Seems like you're going through a tough time, but seriously, this girl is not worth your misery. If you and her were meant to be, she wouldn't be with someone else - she'd still be pining after you. Now, think about the time you had together, if you were sad, why would you want to go through that again?

 

I've seen from you picture, you are a very attractive guy who can get many girls. So why limit yourself to her? Yes, you had an unforgettable relationship and invested a lot of time with her, but think, people can invest just as much time in an unhappy marriage. I truly believe there IS someone else out there who will make you blissfully happy, and you firstly, need to put on a smile so she will notice you! Good Luck and hugs.

[hurtbeyondwords]

I am having trouble finding bad things about my ex. She wasnt perfect but who is. I know she went through a lot of pain as well. She cried when I cried... I want to be mad at her and no longer think good things but I also know that if you're not happy with someone then there is no reason to drag it on. I was that way with my ex before her. I know she was a mess not long after I stopped talking to her. There is one thing that Im mad at; the fact that I love her to pieces and she can't love me back... bad day today.

[bendit]

omg so the truth trickles out..you've been in pretty regular contact with her via email and you are helping the mother out because, well you're a nice guy and that's what they do. And you are wondering how to "let go"? you let go by LETTING GO.

 

Well, there is only so many times I can say NC! Cali you are living proof that LIMITED CONTACT keeps you from healing. Oh, but since she and the mother are the ones initiating its really NC. (wink wink) Continue to contact continue to suffer.

 

regards

[Tenorman]

Did you ever go travelling backpacker style when you were younger? If so, maybe try to replicate that - ie go on a 'holiday' (not a romantic one but an adventurous one) to a strange foreign country with no plans, no reservations, no pre made arrangements, no preparation where a challenge for a day can be how to negotiate yourself from point A to B or find a place to eat or sleep that night etc. Or perhaps an arduous trek in Nepal where you sweat it out carrying your own pack all day and freeze your nuts off at night in some shack which has no electricity or hot water. In short taking yourself away from everything you know and are familiar with and regaining a sense of just how much there is outside the "little" world you have become too comfortable in. Alternatively cut off all contact from everyone for a week, lock yourself in a room, scream at the walls, write down every dumb self-indulgent thought you have about her and yourself - read it over over and again until you want to puke - scream at the walls again - read all your posts on loveshack about her over over and again until you do actually puke - scream at the walls yet again, until you are so thoroughly sick of yourself and her that the very thought of either makes you shudder with repulsion.

[In Sync]

..I'm not breaking NC left and right. Any contact has been spurred by her and it's been very spare. No back and forth. Always short and sweet.

 

Maybe I am looking too much into it, but the fact she's sending me emails occasionally (once or twice a month) means I know to some degree I am on her mind. I'm not using that as a basis to hold on simply because she isn't saying what I want to hear.

 

But I also know her. She will never come right out and say she made a mistake. She'll start off slowly contacting me again, feeling me out. And I haven't bent or broken. I haven't begged or pleaded. I haven't mentioned anything regarding the relationship or any personal information. That's not to say I don't want to. I fight that urge every day, but I know it's in my best interest. There's a guide in love that says "Is your love so selfish that you will never be happy without them?" No, I can be happy without her. I don't need her in my life. I just want her in it.

 

I look at that as a positive step. If you knew how much I truly love this woman and how I acted in the past (I was your classic nice guy, groveling, crying, wimpy loser) then you'll see I have made progress.

 

I'm just not quite where I need to be just yet.

 

I cannot believe I just read this...no wonder you're having a hard time. Just like there's no such thing as 'a little bit pregnant' there's no such thing as 'spare contact!'

Why are you excusing her behavior and furthermore why are you doing this to yourself..allowing this woman to mess up your mind. You are proud to say that during these contacts you haven't 'bent or broken' but it just sounds like a sad excuses and the inability to let go. You write that you want your ex in your life...and if that is the case as she is feeding you these spare contacts...my next question is.. Do you really want to heal? If you want her in your life what are you discontented about she's still in it as far as I can see.

[Becoming]

In short taking yourself away from everything you know and are familiar with and regaining a sense of just how much there is outside the "little" world you have become too comfortable in. Alternatively cut off all contact from everyone for a week, lock yourself in a room, scream at the walls, write down every dumb self-indulgent thought you have about her and yourself - read it over over and again until you want to puke - scream at the walls again - read all your posts on loveshack about her over over and again until you do actually puke - scream at the walls yet again, until you are so thoroughly sick of yourself and her that the very thought of either makes you shudder with repulsion.

 

Not a bad idea. A kind of aversion therapy?

 

Isn't this how we deal with any kind of trauma--talk it out until we get sick of hearing it ourselves and then we're just done.

 

I wish "done" for you CaliG.

[qnmc]

I think you've got the first step nailed with NC... but make sure it is total NC, meaning drop her family out of your life and her friends. If you share friends, you might want to consider keeping your distance for a while from those who have regular contact with her or those that you think may set you back. I know, sounds a bit harsh and lame to have to potentially keep your distance from people you know - but this is about your self-preservation and survival.

 

You want to be around people who are completely in your corner and help you build up your self-esteem. Being around these people it will also help to knock her off that mental pedestal we can sometimes put our ex's on. Case in point, perhaps the best thing I heard was from my younger brother soon after the break up when he in all sincerity said "I don't understand why you're so hung up on this girl. Sorry man, she's not that great. I've seen and met the girls you've dated and let go. This one really wasn't that great."

 

The next thing is to focus on yourself. I hate it when people say this to me... "focus on yourself, focus on yourself, focus on yourself"... but they're right. What does this mean in practice? This means go after new hobbies and new goals, in other words, step out of your comfort zone and grow. For me it's been learning the guitar and training for my first triathlon. I think people can get into a mindset of somehow mentally seeking approval from their ex after a breakup. It may not be a conscious thing, but in a weird way, perhaps in the back of their minds, some people tend to limit themselves based on whether their ex would approve... not sure if you know what I mean. By doing things I haven't normally done and experiencing new experiences it's allowed me to establish my independence again. I know, may sound weird to you, not sure if you know what I mean here.

 

You also may want to think of a change of scenery. This doesn't necessarily mean leave town, but if you can, try to find a new place to live. At the very least, rearrange your furniture and redecorate (get new sheets, new pictures, rugs, pillows, furniture if you can afford it).

 

If you haven't done this already, do some "she-tox". Yes, this is shameless plaguerism of that book It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Throw away any mementos of you two. If you'd rather not do this, send them far far away, like to your parents or a friend. Seriously, anything that reminds you of her, get it out of your place, car, office, etc.

 

The final thing I did was force myself to go out with my friends. There are times where I still want to wallow in it rather than face the world, but I've trained myself to recognize that this is a cue that I need to go out, and then I make myself. A half hour or so into the evening I'm glad I did it. I make myself be social (a few drinks can help this along as well). If I catch the eye of a girl, I make myself go talk to them, though I may not initially want to. 10 times out of 10, no matter what the outcome of the conversation, I'm glad I did it. It's as if I've reestablished my independence all over again. Also, as a male, making out with a beautiful woman tends to help boost the old confidence.

 

A site you might want to check out is askmen.com. They have sections on it that cater to virtually every life-subject males are interested in. I've found the Dating and Love section especially helpful. It's helped me.

 

These are the things I've done anyway.

[qnmc]

One more thought... I think I recognized that I turned a corner when I switched my mode of thinking from "I can't believe she left me" to "I can't believe I put up with her those last couple months." When you truly believe that you would not take her back under any circumstances, you take power back in the situation. You now "own" it. I'm not saying that you are consciously hoping for a reconcilliation... but way down deep, beneath the covers, is this hope still possibly lurking?

 

From time to time I find it still lurking way down deep inside of me. But then I remind myself of how "ugly" she got towards the end. I remind myself that this was the real her, not the idealized version of her that I so hoped she would be. Could I really put up with someone like that, someone who stressed me out more than the happiness I thought I had. No. Absolutely not.