Suggestions to let go.

[CaliGuy]

I know I deserve the harshness and I appreciate you all keeping me on my toes.

 

I don't thank you guys enough so THANK YOU

[CaliGuy]

One more thought... I think I recognized that I turned a corner when I switched my mode of thinking from "I can't believe she left me" to "I can't believe I put up with her those last couple months." When you truly believe that you would not take her back under any circumstances, you take power back in the situation. You now "own" it. I'm not saying that you are consciously hoping for a reconcilliation... but way down deep, beneath the covers, is this hope still possibly lurking?

 

From time to time I find it still lurking way down deep inside of me. But then I remind myself of how "ugly" she got towards the end. I remind myself that this was the real her, not the idealized version of her that I so hoped she would be. Could I really put up with someone like that, someone who stressed me out more than the happiness I thought I had. No. Absolutely not.

 

That's been my mode of thinking. I often remember how cold she was to me and it makes me angry, especially during Christmas when she wrote me those messages and was her old, chipper self. The one I fell in love with. Not the cold, callous woman that walked out the door.

 

I have to keep that image burned in my mind to keep me straight.

[golden]

I remind myself that when I cry myself to sleep, *I'm* the one who makes up with puffy eyes and a sticky face. If I keep thinking about him and how he hurt me, I'm the one wasting my youth on someone who doesn't want me.

 

I'm the one making myself suffer over this - I don't know how he feels and I don't *want* to know how he feels.

 

It feels much better to remember that he doesn't care (despite all his assurances to the contrary) than to hope he does. And hey, if he can move on without a second thought then so can I. I don't want to be waiting here, with the door open anytime he feels he needs to come back.

 

I kept breaking NC - but now that *he's* started NC, I say good riddance. I don't ever want him to come back.

 

Of course, I think it's really sad that it had to come to this, but then anger kicks in and tells me - what kind of friendship did we have anyway? It's not worth all the anguish.

[will_d]

Hi Caliguy,

 

U have given me such great advice since i have been using LS and really helped me get thorugh the tough days.

 

The points i always regarded as crucial and true are:

 

1. NC means no talking at all to her or her family... it may mean u saying to her parents that u find it difficult after everything that has happened and that u will contact them, if and when u r ready. I dont know what else to say... talking and emailing just brings up old thoughts and old ties to her family.

 

2. Anyone who wanted to be with u wouldnt treat u like she did, u take some responsibility but ultimately she left u and gave up on your relationship 'not knowing what she wants' etc. It hurts like hell... but the second u think u r on her mind and could get back together its like day 1 all over.

 

3. Put your mind into other stuff, physical expecially and try to go out with your friends as much as possible, meeting other people just to chat with can really help as well.

 

4. U want her and how she made u feel, me 2, but...and its a big but... part of that is because u only remember the good points and find it hard to believe that their is someone out there who will mean as much. This is simply not true! There is someone who deserves u. U will never find another her... but deep down u dont want a person like her, my ex is not a nice person, i sometimes find it hard to recognise it, but the facts point towards it, just as the facts say your ex is not good enough for u. Write a list of all the bad points, including 'i dont know what i want...' at the top of the list, when u feel like u want her look at it.

 

5. Most importantly, for me anyway, is not worrying about how much u r thinking of her. I think of my ex a lot, it hurts now and again... but hey i accept that i will do, i dont beat myself up or worry about when it will stop. I will worry less and less and i will heal when i am ready, no need to rush. I just put it to the bac of my mind and remember that i am confident and worth more.

 

U r worth more to Caliguy, if she cant see that then its her lose. Its crucial to believe this and to develop your own self-worth. If everyone including me on this site thinks your a great guy u should to!

[hurtbeyondwords]

Hi Caliguy,

 

U have given me such great advice since i have been using LS and really helped me get thorugh the tough days.

U r worth more to Caliguy, if she cant see that then its her lose. Its crucial to believe this and to develop your own self-worth. If everyone including me on this site thinks your a great guy u should to!

 

Here, here! I think that anyone who searches out to better themselves or helps others (LS people) during the low points of our lives, should give themselves a pat on the back. We are growing and improving our worth. Im sure most of us cant say that about our ex's.

[riobikini]

CaliGuy, (Smile), -OK- we've talked, and I do understand the strong ties; I've had similar ties, as well.

 

We both know there's no magic potion, pill, nor nice wee fairy to put everything back in order.

 

At least, in the order we wish for.

 

There are helpful strategies, which when applied, can only take some of the edge off the ache, -but never make it go totally, suddenly away.

 

For me, it often comes as an unexpected, sudden attack and I have to set myself straight all over again. And again. And again.

 

It gets sickening.

 

You start resenting the intrusion.

 

You just want to be at peace again, -not fighting this monster that just appears whenever it wants to.

 

My biggest battles have been those concerning knowing when to throw in the towel.

 

I just hate doing it, -it's just this side of giving up, -except there's a whole world of difference, but the trouble is distinguishing between the two in the middle of a fight to keep something you want so badly, to stay alive.

 

The worst case scenario of that was when my second husband died. I was in the hospital as they brought him in, working on him to keep him alive, and when they had to tell me he was gone, I didn't believe them, I knew this man could not die- and told them it wasn't possible and to go back....

 

Cali, sometimes, you really do have to let go.

 

Circumstances do bear on the process of relinquishing someone you have loved deeply, -but grasping the decision to finally bury the relationship is the same; it's just the grieving process that's different, because there are still possible contact issues.

 

And that's really where the trouble lies for all of us: the fact our estranged partner has potential to be 'available' again, if we just do this, be that, show them, say those words, etc.

 

Playing out wishful scenarios of past and future keeps us busy at the gruesome task of nothing more than self-torture.

 

If we actually have those in-person meetings to -er straighten it all out, -we normally, just leave with enough salt to cover the new wounds we create by doing it.

 

So how do we deal with it? More new and creative ideas to make the hurt go away? Different treatments, books, boards, therapy, pills, or a new flavor of ice cream?

 

(Smile)

 

The only secret is no secret, at all: it's whatever works for you to help you to the next breath, the next hour, day, week, or month.

 

The newly-broken hearts will rely on the experiences of the ones who have met with the pain before, and learn what they can from them; the ones who have been there will do what they know works and look for better ways to deal with it.

 

Talking with each other and sharing all this, we know, helps.

 

New and different? (Smile) I guess that, as long as people have been falling in and out of love, there has been no real antidote for heartache, -just as there has never been no real formula for love.

 

My thoughts are with you, Cali, -I recognize you as being, truly, one of the good guys -because I've seen your heart all over these boards.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

Thanks all, you are good people and I appreciate your advice.

 

I know where I screwed up. I went from confident to wuss in a single bound. Doesn't matter what I did with her now, all that matters is that I have to work on those things.

 

Maybe I too need a break from LS for a while to focus on myself.

 

I think I will do that.

 

And stick to NC.

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy, (Smile), -OK- we've talked, and I do understand the strong ties; I've had similar ties, as well.

 

We both know there's no magic potion, pill, nor nice wee fairy to put everything back in order.

 

At least, in the order we wish for.

 

There are helpful strategies, which when applied, can only take some of the edge off the ache, -but never make it go totally, suddenly away.

 

For me, it often comes as an unexpected, sudden attack and I have to set myself straight all over again. And again. And again.

 

It gets sickening.

 

You start resenting the intrusion.

 

You just want to be at peace again, -not fighting this monster that just appears whenever it wants to.

 

My biggest battles have been those concerning knowing when to throw in the towel.

 

I just hate doing it, -it's just this side of giving up, -except there's a whole world of difference, but the trouble is distinguishing between the two in the middle of a fight to keep something you want so badly, to stay alive.

 

The worst case scenario of that was when my second husband died. I was in the hospital as they brought him in, working on him to keep him alive, and when they had to tell me he was gone, I didn't believe them, I knew this man could not die- and told them it wasn't possible and to go back....

 

Cali, sometimes, you really do have to let go.

 

Circumstances do bear on the process of relinquishing someone you have loved deeply, -but grasping the decision to finally bury the relationship is the same; it's just the grieving process that's different, because there are still possible contact issues.

 

And that's really where the trouble lies for all of us: the fact our estranged partner has potential to be 'available' again, if we just do this, be that, show them, say those words, etc.

 

Playing out wishful scenarios of past and future keeps us busy at the gruesome task of nothing more than self-torture.

 

If we actually have those in-person meetings to -er straighten it all out, -we normally, just leave with enough salt to cover the new wounds we create by doing it.

 

So how do we deal with it? More new and creative ideas to make the hurt go away? Different treatments, books, boards, therapy, pills, or a new flavor of ice cream?

 

(Smile)

 

The only secret is no secret, at all: it's whatever works for you to help you to the next breath, the next hour, day, week, or month.

 

The newly-broken hearts will rely on the experiences of the ones who have met with the pain before, and learn what they can from them; the ones who have been there will do what they know works and look for better ways to deal with it.

 

Talking with each other and sharing all this, we know, helps.

 

New and different? (Smile) I guess that, as long as people have been falling in and out of love, there has been no real antidote for heartache, -just as there has never been no real formula for love.

 

My thoughts are with you, Cali, -I recognize you as being, truly, one of the good guys -because I've seen your heart all over these boards.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

 

Thank you, Rio. I think you're right, in that I just have to figure what works for me and stick to it.

 

I'm proud that I am not pining over her like I used to. That is an accomplishment in itself.

 

I know what I need to focus on and it's not getting her back, it's repairing my confidence and returning to happiness.

 

One good thing to come of this. I always wondered if I was capable of loving someone so much that I could be with just that one person the rest of my life. Now that I know I can, I am sure I will love someone else just as much in the future.

[riobikini]

CaliGuy,

 

You are always welcome.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[qnmc]

"I know where I screwed up."

 

I hope you don't blame yourself for the demise of the relationship. I went to talk to someone after mine broke up, and I came to it placing so much of the blame on myself. My shrink informed me that it is so "male" to put so much blame on ourselves. He politely but firmly pointed out that it takes two to detonate a relationship.

 

It's great to learn what you can from a relationship so you can make the next one better. But make sure you're as objective as possible about it. The reasons for your break up are probably more even than you think.

[Brittanyjean06]

You really need to stick with Nc, but even with Nc..that doesn't necessarily meen you are moving on.

 

You have that battle with your self, though in the end it is Nc that helps you heal.

[DogBrain]

Caliguy,

 

Go rent/buy a movie entitled "What The Bleep Do We Know"

 

Learn just why you still feel so crappy. I know Rio posted about the biochemical aspect of breakups/love, etc, but the movie does an even BETTER job (if such a thing is possible) and places all of it into a broader context that will gently guide you through some topics you may never have considered before.

 

I found it 14 months into my "grinding" and it gave me all I needed to understand what was happening - and once I understood it, there was no longer any need to deal with it.

 

One of the most "revealing" points of the whole film is this = the brain has no way of knowing whether what it perceives is real or just a memory - or even a wish. Sounds innocuous at first, until you learn that the brain produces hormones which are appropriate for what is being "thought" - so when you think about your ex and you are still in victim mode, your hypothalmus pumps out all those peptides that spread through your body, bind to your cells, and "boom" you feel crappy. You are addicted to feeling the way you do... and I do mean physically addicted. You've associated that feeling with her - and each time she crosses your mind, here come the hormones. You don't stand a chance, Cali.r

 

I couldn't move - did not leave the house for two months, lord it was 6 months before I could associate with anyone but my closest friends. No sleep, skirting the depths of depression... so I tried to find something new to occupy my mind and an idea came to mind, something I have always been interested in but that I stayed aloof from for decades because I thought it was a self-serving, arrogant, corrupt profession - I jumped right in a little over a year ago, while my insanity was still in full swing - I was swimming upstream all of the time and there was simply no opportunity to think about the ex except when I was driving home late at night. Then I had a major success - followed a few months later by an even larger one - and my entire life has changed in countless ways.

 

I will not claim that I am healed - I was deeply and cruelly hurt - I may never heal, who knows? As you will understand after seeing the movie, however, life is possibilities, endless possibilities. You can choose what you want instead of dwelling on how unfairly you have been treated. The energy spent on being a victim is always wasted. Redirect that same energy to the possibilities before you, and..... Cali, I swear to you from the bottom of my heart, that once you begin to view your day as a source of richness and growth and new experiences, you will see that it doesn't matter one bit what now exists between you and the memory of your ex. The saying "If you can dream it, you can do it" is true - the only thing holding you back from letting go and moving on is you - and you have the power to change you. What an opportunity for self-growth! You are at the edge and need only to take the next step.

 

The movie is only $17 or so to buy - or rent it someplace - but watch it - maybe even twice and you just may benefit like I did.

 

Now the movie may seem a bit weird in the beginning (actually, it purports to be about quantum physics), but stick it out to the end - it IS hugely worth it.

 

 

 

db

[fooled]

That's been my mode of thinking. I often remember how cold she was to me and it makes me angry, especially during Christmas when she wrote me those messages and was her old, chipper self. The one I fell in love with. Not the cold, callous woman that walked out the door.

 

I have to keep that image burned in my mind to keep me straight.

 

I have to do this myself - and you know, it's just too much - too much pain for me. As I've said, then my defense mechanisms jump into action and I block that out - then I start to miss her again.

 

It's been an okay week thus far, but today I have been particularly melancholy, alternating between missing her in specific situations and being extremely angry at the heartless way she treated me.

 

This weekend her lease is up. I am hoping she moves. I am going out of town so that I won't know for sure - because if I am armed with the knowledge that she is still just several blocks away for another year, it'll be a major kick in the nuts. So I am just going to assume she's gone.

 

Then Monday when I return - I am going to get quiet - revisit the entire relationship from Day 1 - write everything down in a letter, from the good to the bad, the broken promises and infidelity, the brown eyes I told her I'd never get tired of looking at no matter how old she got. I'll write everything down - and tell her goodbye. Then have a funeral. I may burn the letter - I may bury it. But it will be a ceremony.

 

And then, from that point on, when I think of her, I can flash to the funeral and know that she is dead. At least to me.

[In Sync]

Sooner or later after all the hoops to jumps through all that can be done is to accept that the relationship is over...

[Outcast]

A tool which is invaluable to anybody getting over a relationship is The List.

 

Make a list of every mean/unpleasant/unkind/bad/rude/whatever thing she did or said to you. NO nice things - only the ones that gave you pause. Every time you start feeling a warm feeling for her, haul out that list and read it again and again.

 

Time erases our bad memories to allow us to function in life; you need to reinforce every bad or unpleasant thing she ever did to prove to yourself that you're better off without her.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

It's been nearly three months since he left me. And while I want to feel better, and have the strength to move on, I seem to backslide all the time. Now I'm back to sobbing every night, feeling such misery -- and it's messing up my entire personality. I find myself getting short and snippy with people...and that's not me at all. Of course, all of this is amplified by the fact that none of my friends have stepped up to the plate to promise to help me after I have surgery in a week. I feel like everyone I love has abandoned me -- and he is right at the top of my list -- which makes me very angry. But most of all, I am terribly sad and depressed. I miss him. And I still love him. And I feel like there are so many unanswered questions. My head says, "Let him go", but my heart says, "No way!"

[hurtbeyondwords]

I feel the same way right now Jen, hang in there:bunny:

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

(((((((hurtbeyondwords)))))))