...What does it take to trust my wife again, and keep our marriage

[tiredandsad]

A few months ago I mentioned in here that my wife keeps Instant Messaging this guy (A family friend), and I was keeping track of what was going on on our computer. I finally started keeping track on her computer at work, and I found out that she was having an affair with that SOB. I blew my top and let them both have it. Through their talks and IMs, I did not see any sign of them having intercourse, and she swares to our kids life that they did not have intercourse. However, they have done alot of touching and other sexual acts in the woods.

We have 2 girls, 8 year old and a 4 year old. I could not get up and leave. I found out about them last October. Eversince, we have been to therapy and I am still going. We are doing much better now, but I have a hard time trusting her, and worst of all, lately every time we are to make love, I get the images of them touching each other, and I just lose it. This has never happened to me, but it is very devestating when something like this happens to a guy.

Have any of you had a similar situation, and how do I get over these thoughts? I do love her, but I am not sure if time will heal or I need to come to a point where we should make a choice?

HHHEEELLLPPP.......

[AJS]

You have to forgive her, it sounds like you haven't yet.

[Chump64]

I think your feelings are pretty normal, from what I've experienced and read about infidelity. Has she been 100 percent honest with you, to the best of your knowledge? If not, she needs to be, and you should establish that. Also, are you two reading any books together? I can recommend "After the Affair" and "How Can I Forgive You." The latter one might be esp. helpful to you.

 

I am trying to come to terms with my husband's 10-year affair. I found out 2 months ago (though had suspected for about 10 months - but I had no idea about the longevity until 2 months ago). I agreed to try to work on the marriage, but have made no promises. I have questions about the time frame too - if there is some point where we should cut our losses and break it off. I have days when I give that serious thought. But with regard to our relationship and our history, mostly the good outweighs the bad, and leaving him would be more painful than trying to get past this.

 

I know there may be days when it seems impossible, but I am told that this feeling passes with time. On the other hand, if you are sure you can't move on and stay married, and you envision yourself being happier without her, that is something to consider.

 

Good luck.

[Moose]

First, you need to start off with not placing the blame entirely on your wife.

 

The man she had affair with is partially to blame, she's partially to blame, and most importantly, you own stock in the blame as well.

 

Whether you choose to accept that or not, it's the absolute truth.

 

Once you realize you had a part in this act, you can get a better grip on it and realize your trust in her begins with you working on what drove her away in the first place.

[touchtherapy]

Many people assume that by default of marriage, your partner is not going to develop intimate relationships with others, but it has never been actually discussed. You have to create your own terms of your relationship and be explicit. Just because she had a relationship with someone else, doesn't mean that she loves you less. You have to define committment together, and you will see that what means committment to you (sex, finances, kids), may mean something else to her (romance, kids, finances).

 

Just remember that you don't own her body, and she's not contaminated if she's been with someone else. It may sound silly, but that's one of the top reasons for men not taking back their wives after an affair.

 

It seems as if you went too far by snooping around. You could have had a conversation with her. You don't need proof in order to raise concerns. And if you're waiting for proof, it means that you're contributing to the actual problem: miscommunication. She wants you to pay attention to her, and if you're too busy trying to monitor her behaviour, then you're missing the ball, and neglecting her feelings. She's also required to be emotionally honest with you too, which means discussing when she feels emotionally neglected. But you've got to take that very seriously.

 

We all develop emotional relationships with other people, ie. friends, family, co-workers, but when it comes to another potential spouse, we get all up in arms about the relationship. The fact of the matter is, the relationship is there to fill an need that was not being met before. Doesn't mean you're to blame, she may have difficulty communicating too, but it's up to both of you to make it work.

 

Don't assume that because she's married to you, that you can now sit back, and let things glide along the road of life. You need to get up every morning and convince your spouse that you are emotionally, physically, fiancially, spiritually available to her. And she needs to do the same for you. Letting go of the concept of ownership will help you to do that. A ring on her finger is nothing.

 

Find the help you need to get through this. You married her for a reason, so try your best to remember those good moments as you work through this. And don't ask her to suppress her feelings towards the other man. If she's open and honest about them, you can both rebuild trust faster. And if you realize that she can have feelings for someone else, and still love you, you won't need to be possessive, and control her every move. You'll see that she's still committed to you. And she doesn't have to jepoardize your relationship for a relationship with someone else. She doesn't even have to see him again. But feelings are feelings. And we aren't meant to love just one person (you have two kids, and love them equally), so talk about committment and what that means to you, rather than trying to make sure she doesn't let anyone else 'touch your property', or 'plant a seed on your soil'...if you know what I'm saying.

 

If she's committed to you, and it's important for you that she does not see anyone else, then she will honour that, out of her own free will. And if it's important to her that you stay romantically committed, and express your love for her frequently, then you will honour that, if you love her.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Chump64]

It seems like some people are berating this poster because his wife cheated. That’s backwards, IMO. Sure, they may have had marital issues, and they can both share blame for that (and for not communicating that). But the person who crosses the line and blatantly violates the marriage / has the affair = the person who takes responsibility for infidelity.

 

There are quite a few assumptions about how he ran her off, was not emotionally available to her, acts like he owns her, etc. And why not go looking for proof, if you think your spouse is cheating? How else are you going to actually confront someone and work toward recovery? Touchtherapy: You can’t say, “I think you are cheating – let’s talk.” I tried that -- three times -- and it got me nowhere. I was lied to and made to feel crazy, and he refused my request that we go to counseling. Only when i had proof in hand, did he snap out of it.

 

Not many cheaters are going to say, “You’re right, I’m sorry, I’ve been a bad girl / boy.” To go to a suspected cheater without real proof is pointless. If they are cheating, chances are they are not going to quit because you are merely suspicious. And that is another assumption – that Tiredandsad was neglecting his wife b/c he was too busy looking for signs of cheating. Yet another assumption: that the wife was neglected emotionally. Many times, cheaters are the ones who don’t give enough at home. They start and perpetuate a cycle of their own making.

 

 

If she's committed to you, and it's important for you that she does not see anyone else, then she will honour that, out of her own free will.

 

Well not unless she makes some changes. She didn't honor that before.

 

And we aren't meant to love just one person (you have two kids, and love them equally), so talk about committment and what that means to you

 

 

Commitment and monogamy are pretty basic tenets that come with marriage. They ARE spoken, in marriage vows. Tiredandsad’s spouse obviously felt a lack of commitment and chose not to be monogamous, and communicated neither of these things with her husband. These are huge issues. It bugs me to see suggestions that the betrayed spouse is somehow responsible for these outright violations.

 

Responsible for things that contribute to marital strife? Yes. Responsible for infidelity? No.

[tiredandsad]

As it was mentioned, I did confront my wife a few times and she assured me several times that nothing is going on. I had to have proof to catch both of them. I do take some responsibility in our relationship that created a void in her life, but I refuse to accept the fact that, her infidelity was an asnswer. I would have accepted her not wanting to be with me overher cheating.

 

I am just hoping that as time goes by, I will have more trust in her. She now needs to gain that from me now. My bigest issue is these awful feelings that I have. The images of them being together sexualy and mentaly have made a crushing effect in my brain and heart.

 

I am again hoping that time will heal.

[nicki]

I think Touchtherapy makes some excellent points on how to stay intimately connected in a relationship....which can help keep needs satisfied. I think that's all TouchTherapy was talking about.

 

PLEASE KNOW, TiredandSad, that it is in NO WAY YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR. There is NEVER a justifiable reason for a partner to do that. Not even neglect or abuse, NEVER....EVER...okay? My ex treated me like crap for years, and i never had an affair. (So many people assumed I would have because of his abuse. It was shocking.)

 

If a partner is unhappy, then they must communicate that, ask for what they want, look inside the relationship for help (not outside.) Then, if the other partner won't work on it, the unhappy partner can choose to leave....THEN, and only then, pursue other people and relationships...

 

SO, have you read any books on the subject? I think there is a good one called Surviving the Affair.

 

Five months isn't that long. I'm sure you were numb for a while, and now the sadness and reality has fully sunk in.

 

I'd give it some more time. But your wife must be willing to do some hard work to earn your trust back. Like no contact with the other guy EVER. Like letting you know where she is all the time. Like giving you full access to her phone, emails, etc. Like answering every question you have, patiently. Like waiting to make love until YOU want to.

 

And, most importantly, she must figure out the reasons she cheated. Then she can address those needs in a different way. And show you how she will never ever cheat again. She (you both) must have a plan, or she could fall back on old habits in time of stress and cheat again.

 

Once she has earned your trust back, you can ease off on things, as YOU feel ready.

 

Figure out what you need to heal, then let her know what that is. See is she willing to do those things for you. You will have an answer to whether you can stay or not.

 

And even if she does all those things, and you still can't get over it, you have the right to leave. But I suspect you still love her and if she works hard, all could be good again, maybe even stronger.

 

But wishing won't make it better. Only hard work. Good luck. Big hug to you.

[Bryanp]

Why would you believe that they did not have intercourse? The affair had been going on since October and they were seeing each other and fooling around in the woods with intimate touching? Your wife continued to lie to you over and over again and now you believe her when she says there was no intercourse? It does not sound reasonable. The motto of a cheater is to lie, lie and lie again. You caught her and she now swears there was no intercourse. Her answer seems very self-serving. I would suggest that you both take tests for STD's. By the way, is the OM married? If yes, I would certainly inform his spouse or significant other. I am sorry but her story sounds hollow. Do you really think she would risk her entire marriage during the past 6 months just for some touching in the woods? It seems doubtful.

[nicki]

Yeah, I assumed she was cheating, too (physically and emotionally.)

 

A cheater will usually only tell part of the story, not all of it.

 

If they were touching, I seriously doubt that they would stop short of intercourse. They would most likely keep going. After all, there was nothing to stop them.

 

If she really did feel guilty and stop, then she would have cut off all contact with him. She would have come to her senses. It doesn't sound like she did that, though.

 

Don't believe anything she says. She has no credibility. Assume the worst. Either way, whatever she did shattered your trust. And your marriage. She must take responsibility for that.

 

I agree with the poster who said her answers are self-serving.

[touchtherapy]

When I got married, I didn't hear any vows about sex! Did you, Chump64?

 

I had to talk about it with my husband. It's a cultural thing, in this society, and so it SEEMS like it's been said, but it really never gets spoken about. Did any of you have a discussion about cheating, what it means to you, and how you would both resolve it in the event that it ACTUALLY happened?

 

I DID!

 

TiredandSad, you are not to blame. She has a responsibility to communicate with you. I also feel that you have a responsibility to listen, and vice versa. You can find your love again, but you both have to be committed to doing that. It will sometimes seem like you've reached a dead end, but don't give up. This type of 'reconnecting' issue happens in marriages even without the cheating.

 

I have feminist tendencies, yes I know, but don't think that you own her body. Did you know that men are 3x more likely to leave their girlfriends or wives if they've been raped? That's because we have this culture of ownership. It is an unspoken rule that you own this woman's body, and once someone else plants a seed on your soil, it's now contaminated. That's not true. She's an adult, and perhaps was not a virgin when you met her. She is still the wonderful person you met XX amount of years ago. Don't forget that. (If you don't believe me, check out the history of western marriage, and its purpose. Focus on the Victorian Age.)

 

The real issue is trust. She shared an intimate part of her with someone else that you would have probably liked her to share with you, and you don't know if she'll do that again. Well, once you guys have committed to working this out, address that as one of your major concerns, and if you want her to share that type of intimacy with you, the say it, out loud. Be vulnerable. And ask her how she wants to be treated by you. And listen. Even if it's difficult to hear.

 

You can get through this...

 

Just to throw this out and see if someone catches it...but do you all think there is a 'cheating type'? Do you believe that you will love only one person in an intimate way, for the rest of your lives? Do you believe that you will be attracted to only one person? Do you at all question why the divorce rate is so high?

 

Just some insight...studying the history of marriage, sexuality, gender, and the like, will give you some of the answers that you are looking for. People cheat all of the time, according to my definition, but according to someone else's definition, that's not the case. But I also believe that if cheating was not such a public embarrassment, and a highlight of many romantic-drama movies, we would deal with it differently.

 

Check out the history, and find out what people did in farming communities pre-industrial revolution, Victorian Era, early 20th century, etc. If nothing else, it will help you to see that nothing stays the same, and we have the power to make our own family rules, according to what we say, and not what society says. So yes, you can survive an affair, and not be judgmental, and put a prison anklet on her, and still have a wonderful marriage. You guys will have to redefine, and renegotiate your relationship, and create something new.

 

Here's a hint, you will have to love like you've never been hurt...

[Chump64]

I don't recall my exact wedding vows, but I am positive they included something about the relationship being exclusive partners. Vows that essentially said, "we are a partnership with no one else," not "we are a partnership open to other lovers." I stand by my belief that commitment and monogamy are basic tenets of marriage - basic understandings that most people have, but many choose to violate. (At least in my society -- I live in the US.)

 

Touchtherapy, are you suggesting that the betrayed spouse is somehow to blame if a couple did not sit down and discuss / acknolwedge monogamy? How literally does something need to be spelled out, in your mind? Should there be some sort of signed contract? IMO, if a partner wants to go outside the marriage, it is THAT person's responsibility to raise the issue (or ask for a divorce). I would have much preferred that then being a chump.

 

Did we talk about cheating? Yes. Did we talk about what would happen? Yes - it would end the marriage. BUT. It's easy to say that cheating is a deal-breaker, until you experience it. If the good still outweighs the bad in a marriage, and there are other people who would be devastated -- for life -- by a divorce (kids), why not at least try to save the relationship? At least you can say that you gave it your best effort. However, if things are already blatantly chaotic and negative in the marriage, and it only brings stress to the family, and the kids are already devastated by having parents who hate being married to each other, then there probably isn't much point in trying to reconcile.

 

In some situations, a second chance makes sense. But a third chance (at least in my situation) just ain't gonna happen.

 

Ok, now I'm just rambling...

[electric_sheep]

@Moose and touchtherapy

Without any further information, we cannot say for sure he deserves any of the blame for this at all. It's quite possible he does, but it's equally possible he does not.

 

I don't think we can make any assumptions about the status of the OP's relationship with his wife. Everyone assumes when a woman cheats it must be because some emotional or sexual need is not being met. Perhaps that is usually the cause, but I can assure you that is not always the case. Even if one creates a very open and communicative environment, with plenty of romance and love, there are people that will stray.

 

Sometimes it's just a matter of boredom. My gf used to be home all day and didn't work or go to school. She was depressed. She had a life pattern of relating to men only in a sexual and flirty manner. She probably had a 1/2 dozen men she used to IM and chat with all day. This wasn't due to any lack of attention on my part (I work ... can I be expected to chat with her all day ?). She simply couldn't stand being alone and got bored waiting for me to come home.

 

@tiredandsad

I am very familiar with what it is like to have those "images" pop up while you are having sex. This is very common. What is going on is that you are ruminating and obsessing about the affair. If you have any inclination towards obsessive compulisive disorder (as I do) this is all magnified. BTW, doctors will prescribe OCD medication for situations like this ... just google around.

 

I found it helpful to "center" myself before having sex using yoga and meditation. I know this sounds a little ridiculous, but it helped. Also, if you have an image come into your head, try and learn not to fight it or let it upset you ... just let it "pass through" the other side. By fighting you are actually making it worse in some cases.

[electric_sheep]

@touchtherapy

 

I think your idea of talking about the terms of committment is a good one, however I think it would be extremely disingenous of my wife/gf to try and say she cheated on me because she didn't fully know those terms.

 

You can't be expected to spell everything out in a relationship. At some point you have to just assume that the 2 of you share a similiar philosophy, or at least understand the philosophy and attitudes of the another enough, that you sort of just know what will/will not upset the other.

 

The fact that she was not totally upfront about this shows that she felt like she was heading outside some sort of boundaries. The right thing to do, when in doubt, would be to ask your SO how they feel about something before doing it.

 

You can play this game of technicalities and definitions, but ultimately people usually know in their hearts if they are doing something that would hurt their SO. That is why they are usually secretive about it. Even in an atmosphere of trust and openness people will sometimes not bring these things up because they want to have their cake and eat it too. They are afraid bringing stuff up will change the relationship, and they don't want that to happen. They want to have their cake and eat it too. That is just human nature. Of course, if my wife told me she wanted to start having sex with a male stripper it most surely would change the relationship ! I just ask someone be respectful of me however, and tell me about things like this. I feel like I deserve that.

 

On the other hand, it doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person, or unworthy of love. Like I said, wanting to have your cake and eat it too is very human ! Everyone screws up. Some people are worth a second chance.

 

I think the OP should take a good look at himself and his relationship, talk to his wife, and try and decide just how much HE is to blame for this, if at all. Of course, a large part of the blame could be his. It's hard to tell. Only he knows. Then, determine if you are willing to try and change yourself, if you are partly to blame. Then you have to just take a leap of faith, and trust your wife again. First though, you have to decide if the leap of faith is warrented or not.

 

One Last Thing !

I think touchtherapy's ideas about sex playing too important a role in relationships in todays society is probably true, but I'd say that's up to the people involved. People should be free to have any kind of relationship they want. As for ownership .... believe my, my current gf definitely believes she owns a certain something between my legs. She flat out tells me it's hers. So that can go both ways. I don't have a problem with this, as I have little to no desire to have sexual relationships with anyone else. If that ever changes, I hope I'm a good enough man to let her know and not go behind her back.

[Spectre]

Many people assume that by default of marriage, your partner is not going to develop intimate relationships with others, but it has never been actually discussed.

 

Stop right there. Are you saying that in a marriage, you shouldnt assume your partner is going to be faithful unless you discuss it? No, wrong, bottom line. This excuse might work for two casual daters, but marriage? No, when you marry someone you are expected to be with them and only them forever, its common sense, anyone who says "we never discussed cheating so it isnt wrong" needs a heavy dose of reality.

 

Just because she had a relationship with someone else, doesn't mean that she loves you less.

 

So, basically youre saying "just because she cheated on you doesn't mean she loves you less" when actually, yes it does. Again common sense, why does this need to be explained? When you love someone you dont want to hurt them, cheating can hurt someone a lot. If this woman was unaware of that, well then I have to say my dog has a higher IQ, this is common sense again people, quit making excuses for cheating hoes.

 

Just remember that you don't own her body, and she's not contaminated if she's been with someone else. It may sound silly, but that's one of the top reasons for men not taking back their wives after an affair.

 

No he doesn't own her, but so? she made a vow to be faithful, so he doesnt need to own her, she willingly said she wouldnt cheat my marrying him.

 

It seems as if you went too far by snooping around. You could have had a conversation with her.

 

why are you making him out to be the bad guy? being a trashy whore and banging some guy in the woods far outweighs his snooping.

 

And if you're waiting for proof, it means that you're contributing to the actual problem: miscommunication. She wants you to pay attention to her, and if you're too busy trying to monitor her behaviour, then you're missing the ball, and neglecting her feelings. She's also required to be emotionally honest with you too, which means discussing when she feels emotionally neglected. But you've got to take that very seriously.

 

She had suspicious behavior with another man, he snooped, why would he snoop? Because of suspicions, and his suspicions were right, so he wasnt in the wrong at all, no married woman should be spending a lot of time IM'ing some dude online.

 

Don't assume that because she's married to you, that you can now sit back, and let things glide along the road of life.

 

Oh please, who cares? Is his wife blind? deaf? mute? can she speak? Even if she was feeling "neglected" she could of said something, instead she decided to go ride some guy.

 

And if you realize that she can have feelings for someone else, and still love you

 

No, she cant. She cant love one person and have more than friendly type feelings for another. If she does, it means she doesnt love him, again this is common sense.

[touchtherapy]

E_S -

 

So, it's the going behind one's back that's the problem, and not necessarily the act itself. So yes, she should know that's really, really wrong.

 

I guess what I'm having a problem with is monogamy. The concept bothers me, and I think it puts our society into the current situation that it's in now. We have people getting divorces so that they can go have sex with other people, legally. We have people cheating on each other, so that they can have sex with other people, secretively.

 

Perhaps I should start a discussion on this...

 

When it comes down to it, what I'm saying is address the issue of being left out, address the issue of being ignored, address the issue of bad communication. And although I mostly agree with you E_S, I do believe that any good marriage counselor or therapist will tell you that you do have to spell these things out.

 

I have a plan with my husband that in the case either of us have feelings for another person, that we remember what we're committed to, which is the family, our kids, our finances, and communication, not just sex. We have promised to be responsible with our bodies. And that most of all, we talk to each other, even if we're confused about our feelings. So far, it's worked, and I know that I've personally avoided having a physical relationship with someone else, because I knew that there was that safe place for me to discuss my feelings. He's also done the same about his feelings. And you know what, the person that I had feelings with, has now become a really good friend. Feelings gone. I'm sure that you don't still love or like every girlfriend you've ever had, so it's the same here. Some of my friends are still great friends with people they once dated.

 

Feelings are feelings. They change.

[Spectre]

E_S -

 

So, it's the going behind one's back that's the problem, and not necessarily the act itself. So yes, she should know that's really, really wrong.

 

No, its having sex with someone other than your husband, thats a slutty selfish thing to do, there is NO excuse for the behavior, save the bs about "you need to discuss it" no. Its normally assumed that in a marriage, people wont cheat, bottom line. So, if there was to be a marriage where the partner felt they could bang who they choose THAT is lines for discussion since it is out of the norm of what usually happens in marriage. Especially since what youre talking about is basically an open marriage, again something that definitely needs to be discussed before being implemented.

 

I guess what I'm having a problem with is monogamy. The concept bothers me, and I think it puts our society into the current situation that it's in now.

 

If two people truly love each other, they shouldnt mind being each others only sexual partner for the rest of their lives, in fact..they should love the fact that they will be with just that person, thats what love is. If you dont like that then dont get married lol but dont expect many men to stay with you either, 100% guaranteed.

 

We have people getting divorces so that they can go have sex with other people, legally. We have people cheating on each other, so that they can have sex with other people, secretively.

 

In some ways I think cheating is good, as in, atleast it lets you know the person youre with is not in love with you since they cheated, it allows you to quit wasting your time with them. People who get a divorce just to have sex obviously weren't truly in love with their partner, people who cheat are the same way.

 

When it comes down to it, what I'm saying is address the issue of being left out, address the issue of being ignored, address the issue of bad communication. And although I mostly agree with you E_S, I do believe that any good marriage counselor or therapist will tell you that you do have to spell these things out.

 

 

Not one word in this paragraph justifies cheating. You're just gonna get the same generic response, if there is a problem with the relationship SAY something, dont go cheat. Communication is a two way street as well, he could of communicated with her, she could of communicated with him, instead she chose to go "not have intercourse" in the woods, which is the skank way out, not the mature non-selfish way out

 

So far, it's worked, and I know that I've personally avoided having a physical relationship with someone else, because I knew that there was that safe place for me to discuss my feelings. He's also done the same about his feelings. And you know what, the person that I had feelings with, has now become a really good friend. Feelings gone. I'm sure that you don't still love or like every girlfriend you've ever had, so it's the same here. Some of my friends are still great friends with people they once dated.

 

So, you had feelings for another man while married? Must be a LOT of love there :\ . Oh, and you are now good friends with the man that you once had feelings for ? And your husband is ok with that? wow, i can see where that marriage is going.

 

Honestly: If i ever have a marriage, i dont want it to be like the one you just described, if my wife began to have feelings for someone else, she doesnt love me and thus should leave me.

 

Feelings are feelings. They change.

 

And once they chance, you notify your s/o other about it, instead of going and acting on the feelings first, like a selfish child.

[touchtherapy]

What education level do you have, Spectre? Wow, that high school diploma did you a lot of good. Calling someone a slut? What's that going to do?

 

I'm not going to defend myself because of your hubris. Get it together, this fairytale love shi* that you have playing in your head was created for people like you. So when this guy has a reality check, and you have a reality check, voila! You're surprised.

 

I can tell you, I have a great relationship. My friend who has an open relationship has a great one, where her kids are happy, her partner is happy, her family is happy. Everyone is f-ing happy in that house. And who are you? What do you have?

 

Cut it! Your rant displays that you don't have mature feelings, and do a lot of suppressing in life. Just take a minute to Google alternative lifestyles. Take a moment to Google open communication, psychological theory, sexuality and gender in society, and all of the pedagogical research that there is on marriage. Then get back to me about your silly name calling.

 

I'll be here, with my good, healthy marriage, waiting for your response...

[touchtherapy]

By the way, I said she was wrong in what she did. I was trying to spare him comments from ignorant people like you who are going to try and make her seem dirty. I'm sure she bathes...

 

She's is still very much lovable. And their marriage is still very much worth it. Get over your misogyny.

[touchtherapy]

One last thing...you're theory, about only being able to love one person at a time...explain that when you have 2 or 3 kids. "Sorry, Billy, you were born second, so I can't love you. You have to wait until your older brother dies. Then I can love you."

 

And don't tell me that's a different type of love. Love is love. Sexual attraction is different. If that's what you're talking about, please bring me some evidence that states: "A person's brain starts to remove parts of its functioning system that relates to attraction once it's found a life-partner. It has been scientifically proven that once you're married, you will never, EVER, be attracted to someone else, EVER again!" - New England Journal of Medicine.

 

Ha, ha!!

[Spectre]

What education level do you have, Spectre? Wow, that high school diploma did you a lot of good. Calling someone a slut? What's that going to do?

 

Yes, the person who's intelligence is at that low of a level that she believes you should need to discuss the fact that in a marriage you shouldnt cheat, asking me about my education? hilarious

 

I'm not going to defend myself because of your hubris. Get it together, this fairytale love shi* that you have playing in your head was created for people like you. So when this guy has a reality check, and you have a reality check, voila! You're surprised.

 

Wow, this makes your question about my education level even more hypocritical. Let me ask you this, in your own special little world where you run around sleeping with various men while your husband mows the lawn and says "thats the way honey" do you think that a relationship that doesnt consist of anyone cheating is a "fairy tale" relationship? No, i dont have any "fairy tale" playing in my head, the only thing playing is me not being a selfish prick and cheating on someone im with, or vice versa the girl not being a selfish ho and cheating on me, that isnt a fairytale, thats just to me, NORMAL.

 

I can tell you, I have a great relationship. My friend who has an open relationship has a great one, where her kids are happy, her partner is happy, her family is happy. Everyone is f-ing happy in that house. And who are you? What do you have?

 

Oh, I'm sure you have a great relationship, but there isnt any love there. Or if it is, its some weird warped "im ok with you banging other guys" love.

 

Cut it! Your rant displays that you don't have mature feelings, and do a lot of suppressing in life.

 

and your rant suggests that you're incredibly naive and think youre open marriage-type views apply to all marriages, honey they dont. Don't come into this thread telling a man who's been cheated on he should of discussed the issues of cheating with his wife, if a guy said that to ME and i was the one who had just been cheated on? He would have a black eye.

 

Just take a minute to Google alternative lifestyles. Take a moment to Google open communication, psychological theory, sexuality and gender in society, and all of the pedagogical research that there is on marriage. Then get back to me about your silly name calling.

 

 

Damn, do I need to drop some knowledge here? guess so. Why should I goto google and search alternative lifestyles. I know what they are, but um..where did this guy say he lives such an alternative lifestyle? He didnt say they were in an open marriage, he didnt say they were swingers, he didnt say he likes to watch his wife screw other men. So why in the hell are you giving him advice like he is in the same kind of marriage as yourself? use common sense, why would someone with an open marriage etc. post about being CHEATED on. and silly name calling? oh well, it irks me to all holy hell when people cheat, especially when theres frickin children involved, if the shoe fits, wear it. and the whore shoes will definitely fit this mans wife.

[Spectre]

One last thing...you're theory, about only being able to love one person at a time...explain that when you have 2 or 3 kids. "Sorry, Billy, you were born second, so I can't love you. You have to wait until your older brother dies. Then I can love you."

And don't tell me that's a different type of love. Love is love.

 

*sigh* I really didnt think I'd need to explain this, but it seems you have the odd ability to sap all common sense from this particular thread.

 

No, love is not love. Fact is, the type of love a parent feels for their child is not the same as the type of love a man feels when he is in love with a woman, and vice versa. Especially if the child was from the woman youre in love with.

 

If that's what you're talking about, please bring me some evidence that states: "A person's brain starts to remove parts of its functioning system that relates to attraction once it's found a life-partner. It has been scientifically proven that once you're married, you will never, EVER, be attracted to someone else, EVER again!" - New England Journal of Medicine.

 

I feel like a kindergarden teacher who needs to explain every little thing, but ok. When I said "you cant love more than one person at a time" I did not mean is was physically impossible, I meant its contradictory. If you are with guy A, and are in love with them, but then meet guy B and begin to develop feelings for them..obviously you are NOT in love with guy A, bottom line. You were probably confused, etc. but you were not in love, because if you were..you would not be developing feelings for someone else.

[touchtherapy]

"Drop some knowledge" Eminem!

[Spectre]

I was trying to spare him comments from ignorant people like you who are going to try and make her seem dirty. I'm sure she bathes...

 

Yes! cuz by dirty i meant ACTUAL dirt and mud were all over her and was implying she never takes showers.

 

She's is still very much lovable.

 

Duh, he cant turn off his feelings for her, but whether she deserves his love is a different story.

 

And their marriage is still very much worth it.

 

Again: Up to debate. I for one dont think it is worth it, but thats just me. You're either the type of person who can forgive cheating, or the type of person who can't forgive it.

 

Get over your misogyny.

 

Huh? So, because I dont think women should cheat on their husbands(and not just womn, people in general) I now hate women? Wow lol, You mentioned you were married? What state do you live in? I wasnt aware prepubescents could wed. and well, if you arent a child and said that then..yeah..

[touchtherapy]

You seem to be going on definitions that are created in society. CREATED. And somehow you seem to think that you've the omen of knowledge?

 

Wow...you've grasping at straws, all because I haven't defended myself, and I haven't told you what I have or have not done (bang, bang, bang - watch porn?). Predictable.

 

Yes, I was using epithets to downplay your argument. I'll give you that one.

 

We have a difference of opinion. You want to own that P**** that you're with, and I don't want to own the D*** that I'm with. It's a core belief of mine, my friends, my family, etc. We talk about these things, we communicate with each other. We don't take it for granted.

 

So if we are coming from different places, deal with that. We have different core values. Both of our perspectives can be used to help this person out.

 

Name calling gets people no where. So, Miss Slut/Skank in the woods will have to deal with the fact that there are some people out in the world that think of her that way, and she can welcome the ones that don't. And tomorrow, if I wear pants, someone can burn me on a cross...or did they stop doing that to women a long time ago...oops!

 

Sorry, just had to have the last word...I'm bowing out now.