narcissist X ?

[amaysngrace]

hi. i'm new here. i was just wondering if anyone has an ex that has narcissistic qualities? cuz i left mine in march last year, he promised change, i said no-way-jose, he went a little crazy, was put away for a weekend, met a girl three weeks later, asked her to marry him four weeks after meeting her, they are already now married and today is the anniversary of the day i left!! does this sound right? it's not at all like i want him back, but we do have two children. i guess i'm wondering if you think someone can change and be someone different if they are with someone different than yourself? or does a sick person devalue everyone in time??

[whats wrong with me]

I think a sick person does devalue everyone in time. and I can relate to having a partner whos narcissistic, I used to call it "a God syndrome"

[amaysngrace]

thank you for your reply! it helps me feel better to think his life isn't going to improve...how bitter is THAT?? well, it's how i feel. just being honest...

[kitten chick]

There were a ton of posts last year on Narcissists. Take a read through, there was some interesting posts. I will say that a Narcissist will never change because they believe that they are correct or the best in every way. They see no need for change. It's likely that he treats her the same way he treated you and it's most likely that her issues balance out with his so she needs no further devaluation.

[blind_otter]

People do behave differently with other people.

 

I'm just sayin.

 

If an individual truely has narcissistic personality disorder, however, they are likely to never be able to maintain a long term relationship and do not respond to outpatient therapeutic technqiues.

 

But a personality disorder is a far cry from have a low-level issue with the trait of narcissism. I got confused by all the narcissism posts because people seem to use the two terms interchangeably when they are not.

[kitten chick]

What's the difference B_O if it helps people to understand and get through a tough time?

[amaysngrace]

People do behave differently with other people.

 

I'm just sayin.

 

If an individual truely has narcissistic personality disorder, however, they are likely to never be able to maintain a long term relationship and do not respond to outpatient therapeutic technqiues.

 

But a personality disorder is a far cry from have a low-level issue with the trait of narcissism. I got confused by all the narcissism posts because people seem to use the two terms interchangeably when they are not.

 

 

no Blind Otter...this guy is textbook definition of NPD. he wasn't diagnosed NPD when he went whacky on me...they had him in for a stay of about three days, cuz he swallowed a bunch of pills and wanted to kill himself. they said he was 'depressed'...anyway, maybe he was called NPD....at this point i had no contact with him...i left it up to his parents to go visit him in the hospital. although the counselors there called and spoke to me. but i wasn't privied to any personal info really. but i was married to the man for 9 years, if that qualifies me for something?? what is your opinion....is this trait inherited or does it come from environment more??

[lindya]

i guess i'm wondering if you think someone can change and be someone different if they are with someone different than yourself? or does a sick person devalue everyone in time??

 

All the literature I've ever read on NPD suggests that other people serve no real purpose other than to help the Narcissistic individual to maintain the image they want to have of themselves.

 

I'm not sure what to make of it all, to be honest, because I don't know where you'd draw the line between annoyingly narcissistic and narcissistic to the point of having a disordered personality that owes more to mental health problems than it does to experience, emotions, intellect and all the other things that would normally make up a personaltiy.

 

I suppose my question for you would be, would it make you feel better or worse to think that he was going to end up treating this other woman in the same way that he treated you? Scratch that - just read your second post. I guess you need to consider why it makes you feel better to think his life won't change. Is that really bitterness, as you said, or is it because then you can walk away knowing that the relationship ended because of circumstances that couldn't be altered?

[whats wrong with me]

thank you for your reply! it helps me feel better to think his life isn't going to improve...how bitter is THAT?? well, it's how i feel. just being honest...

 

 

I'm the same way Bitter:p

[blind_otter]

what is your opinion....is this trait inherited or does it come from environment more??

 

This is JMO. There are so many theories about what causes a predisposition for this type of flawed thinking - IMO like most psychological disorders it is a defense mechanism gone wrong - stuck in an endless feedback loop.

 

I believe one of the most common causes is impoverished self-esteem, occurring at a young age. The loss of a strong father figure in their lives, or one who is emotionally absent. These fathers are usually condescending, critical, and do not empower their children at a young age.

 

Subsequently, as they grow older these children overcompensate for their lack of self-esteem, carrying with them some traits from their fathers such as the emotional distancing, while inflating their false sense of self worth. Sadly, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder really never find their true selves. In therapy, it is extremely difficult because these individuals are grossly defensive - which is why they rarely repond to outpatient intervention. Everything they do they can rationalize and blame someone else.

[amaysngrace]

I guess you need to consider why it makes you feel better to think his life won't change. Is that really bitterness, as you said, or is it because then you can walk away knowing that the relationship ended because of circumstances that couldn't be altered?

 

thanks for your input to all this...i read a lot of what you have said on the threads from last fall and summer...you seem to know your stuff! mostly i think i hope that it wasn't me who made him act like that. i guess i am still not healed over all of it yet and am still trying to make sense of it all. i think the main reason for my asking was just to hear somebody say, 'it wasn't you...it was him'. i would never want this new girl to be hurt, in fact when my kids told me 'daddy has a girlfriend' my first response was 'i feel sorry for her'. for years i was told by him that 'i was the reason this' and 'i was the reason that'. even though i know i was probably the best thing that ever happened to him it's still tough to let those verbal assaults go...either way and for whatever reasons...i need to let this thing go, to find closure. and little by little, day by day, i am getting there. and that's why i posted here, for positive feedback...thanks lindya!

[amaysngrace]

The loss of a strong father figure in their lives, or one who is emotionally absent. These fathers are usually condescending, critical, and do not empower their children at a young age.

 

it is odd to me that you say it's cuz of his dad because i have the impression it was his mother who messed him up so badly. she is controlling, rude and mean. his father, OTH, is a pretty descent guy. and so is his wife. i just love the two of them. i haven't spoken to either of them in nearly a year, but they are the ones out of all my former in-laws that i miss the most.

 

do you think if a child (my son in particular) is being raised by a strong mother figure he can avoid the damage done by his dad? would he possibly be able to identify with me?? i try so hard to let him know that his dad's not normal, he doesn't have feelings for others like most people do. geez, i really hope i didn't wait too long to get out...i always knew i'd leave, and that i needed to limit the exposure my children had with these people. (esp. X-MIL) my xH has already devalued our children to the point of causing my 8 year old son's self-esteem to be damaged.....

[lindya]

i am getting there. and that's why i posted here, for positive feedback...thanks lindya!

 

You're welcome. I read up a lot about the condition after a break up. A friend who knows more about these things than I do had suggested it might be interesting for me to read up on the disorder to try to make sense of some of my ex's odd behaviour - particularly round about the time of our break up.

 

Recently, I discussed my ex with a mutual acquaintance. For a long time I insisted that the topic of him be absolutely taboo. According to the friend, he's "changed" to the extent that some of his old friends really don't want to know him any more.

 

It was a conversation I'd imagined having - wanted to have actually. To hear that other people were starting to see what I saw during our break up...ie a totally cold and hollow person. In reality, though, having that conversation was incredibly upsetting to me - and set me back at a time when I thought I'd completely got over the break up.

 

He always seemed such a sensitive and gentle guy when we were together. I only saw the really yucky aspect of him when we were breaking up. I knew he was troubled in many ways (history of self harm and a couple of suicide attempts) but I thought he had huge potential as a person....and in a bizarre way I feel as though I contributed to the horrible person he's turned into, because I loved him so much and was so vulnerable during the break up. I think he got a huge rush of artificial power from that, and maybe I helped create this egotistical monster who's treating other women so badly.

 

Of course, from the perspective of the "bad guys get ahead" brigade, he's doing just fine I just remember the person he desperately wanted to be, and feel sad that he sold out on that....but so many of his personality traits mirror the typical narcissist's that I can't help thinking it was an inevitable outcome.

[amaysngrace]

i'm sorry for what you've been through, lindya...i really am. i can't believe i would fall for a guy who had such a mental problem either, but thinking back, i was probably not in the best mental state of mind myself. i do remember telling him "you're too good to be true"...it was kind of like my instict telling me, i guess, but he replied "this is me". next time when my little instinctive gut feeling starts telling me something, i'm gonna trust it. but at least we've gained knowledge, right? and i have two lovelies for children for my efforts, so in retrospect, i wouldn't have missed this for the world! have a good day, my friend

[Curmudgeon]

....is this trait inherited or does it come from environment more??

I was married to her for 25 years. She's never been diagnosed because, of course, there's nothing wrong with her and it was all me. If nothing's wrong there's no reason to seek assistance. Of course, that begs the question as to why four of our five children want nothing to do with her and the one who does lives a safe 1,500 miles away and can pay lip service to it.

 

I think personality disorders are something you're born with more than anything else. They just are. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is about the only thing that will make a difference and that's somewhat like behavioral modification on steroids.

 

Unfortunately, I didn't figure the ex out for about 20 years. Fortunately, I divorced her!

[lindya]

i'm sorry for what you've been through, lindya...i really am.

 

You have off days when you think about these things, but on the positive side it was a big learning experience and really made me appreciate "normal" people.

 

i can't believe i would fall for a guy who had such a mental problem either, but thinking back, i was probably not in the best mental state of mind myself.

 

That's the way it happens, I think. We focus on that person's needs and bits and pieces of damage because it makes us feel strong...when perhaps we're not really as strong as we want to think. As long as you work through the aftermath of an unhealthy relationship with as much honesty as you can, perhaps it leaves you in a more stable frame of mind than you were in before.

 

i have two lovelies for children for my efforts, so in retrospect, i wouldn't have missed this for the world! have a good day, my friend

 

You too

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I feel that I have to write. Please help me understand this disease because I think that my husband of 9 years is narcisstic. Everything bad that happens is my fault. There is never anything wrong with him... that's why we don't need marriage counseling. I have been neglected and passed over for other "more important things" so many times that I feel completely invisible to him! And I never understood why I meant so little to him. That's why I wanted to cheat on my husband. Of course that doesn't excuse my behavior. I am ashamed of myself for that. (Please don't bash me on that any more).

 

I have wanted a divorce several times, but he'd always make it like HELL for me. And he will resort to threatening killing himself, among doing other horrible things. I want to leave him, but I don't know how to do it in a civil way so that our kids won't get hurt. My husband spends almost zero minute with our kids, yet he insists on partial custody!! This just breaks my heart because I really don't want to have anything more to do with him after our divorce, if you know what I mean.

 

Can anyone please point me to a book on this topic? Thanks in advance!

[amaysngrace]

hello. does he know about the affair? or fling or whatever it was you had?

[amaysngrace]

(Please don't bash me on that any more)

 

i'm not going to bash you. i was trying to figure out if he knows and if he doesn't you should keep it that way. i apologize for being tired right now. i was figuring out a dream and all i kept thinking was how much i'd love to be dreaming at this moment and then i saw your post and wanted to respond.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi A.

 

No, he doesn't know about the little affair I had. But he's been acting like he's very important all his life. He fits the descriptions of a N at almost every way. His father was an alcoholic and was abusive.

 

I know better than to tell him! He can act very CRAZY, even over little things! I've always thought that he has temper problems. But now I think he has bigger problems.

[blind_otter]

it is odd to me that you say it's cuz of his dad because i have the impression it was his mother who messed him up so badly. she is controlling, rude and mean. his father, OTH, is a pretty descent guy. and so is his wife. i just love the two of them. i haven't spoken to either of them in nearly a year, but they are the ones out of all my former in-laws that i miss the most.

 

do you think if a child (my son in particular) is being raised by a strong mother figure he can avoid the damage done by his dad? would he possibly be able to identify with me?? i try so hard to let him know that his dad's not normal, he doesn't have feelings for others like most people do. geez, i really hope i didn't wait too long to get out...i always knew i'd leave, and that i needed to limit the exposure my children had with these people. (esp. X-MIL) my xH has already devalued our children to the point of causing my 8 year old son's self-esteem to be damaged.....

 

I suppose it could be either parents, whosoever is the strong authority figure. Usually with controlling mothers, though, the child fails to develop a sense of their identity, which can manifest in a variety of ways. If she was this way early in life I doubt he could manage to cleave to you as you'd like, since he is probably distrustful of women having power over him if he had sucha horrible domineering mother.

[amaysngrace]

I know better than to tell him! He can act very CRAZY, even over little things! I've always thought that he has temper problems. But now I think he has bigger problems.

 

yes, explosive. i know what you're going through. having an emotional relationship with these people can be so draining. mine was told many times he needed anger management and once it was order by the courts. but even through the AM, it didn't go away. Ns issues are much deeper than that. i have little doubt that there is much hope for these people's recovery.