Becoming Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I am considering separating from my H of 25 years but am unsure of the logistics. I don't want to hurt him. I don't even know at this point that I really want to divorce. What I really want is to be married to him, not be his roommate, but that just doesn't seem possible despite years of trying for an intimacy I want from him but can't get. I have done absolutely everything to this end--rational discussion of my needs, MC (which I will still continue), marriagebuilders, talking about it out the yinyang, anger, sulking. Pretty much the whole gamit. I'm beyond the anger (for the most part) and just want to figure out what're my issues, his issues, and our issues, and I think the time apart would help us figure this out and see whether or not we really can be married or if it's best to just stay friends to care for our children and our selves. We have two teens, a big old house with a mortgage and utility bills I can't afford on my own. It still needs some work to sell at what could be a tidy profit, so money is a huge issue. Right now I think I'd mourn losing my house more than H. At any rate, money's extremely tight right now. We will have to continue to work hard together to get this house ready to sell during this time of separation. My specific questions are: How in the world do I tell my children (teens) why I'm disrupting their lives to such a extent in such a way that makes some sense without telling them all the intimate details without which this probably won't make sense or make their father look bad? How do we live apart, hopefully temporarily, while still carrying a big mortgage (any cheap living ideas that are safe for two teen girls?). What things do I need to do to protect myself financially? I make twice my H's salary (which isn't much), but I'll be deepseadoodled if I'm gonna support him financially, which is part of our problem. I really am hoping this is a wake-up call and not a prelude to a divorce. But I just don't know how to go about all this and need some help from those of you who've done this. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
CryingCanuck Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I hear you, and I guess in some ways I understand what you're going through but I would like to suggest that you seriously consider the ramifications of those actions. I have read in many psycological journals and social services reports that the VAST majority of "trial separations" end in total marriage failure. Reasons given are many but one of the main reasons is that once a person leaves the family home, it creates even more distance between the parties than was there prior to their leaving. Angers and resentments built up over the years are not actually dealt with, but instead, new ones are created in their place. MC I would suggest is the absolute best way to resolve this problem and if that fails to achieve your goals, then possibly a real separation is what you might have to consider. I'm in the precess right at this time of being in those shoes, my wife left on a trial basis and kept saying that she will be coming home, 98% sure of it, then one day simply blew a gasket and we're now in the process of figuring out if it is worth the pain and effort to even try to repair the damage caused by her leaving in the first place. I pleaded with her to NOT leave that it would be a major mistake only to have her do what she wanted to and we're both paying the price and neither of us is anywhere near happy. Actually we're both very stressed and very upset over everything that has happened since the separation. The kids are upset with her, they feel she has abandoned them and it will take a long time for them to get over that part in particular. Just giving you my opinion, hope it helps in some small way. Good luck in whatever you decide Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 How in the world do I tell my children (teens) why I'm disrupting their lives to such a extent in such a way that makes some sense without telling them all the intimate details without which this probably won't make sense or make their father look bad? How do we live apart, hopefully temporarily, while still carrying a big mortgage (any cheap living ideas that are safe for two teen girls?). What things do I need to do to protect myself financially? I make twice my H's salary (which isn't much), but I'll be deepseadoodled if I'm gonna support him financially, which is part of our problem. In my opinion, if you are adamant about a trial seperation then don't pull the kids with you. This will be hard enough on them without having to also adjust to a new home, new neighbor, having to explain to friends why they don't live where they used to anymore. If you keep their lives fairly stable, then I think they have a better chance of holding up under the stress this is going to cause them. Also, treat them like they have a brain and explain it as you did here. They probably already know something isn't right. I know my niece and nephew were incredibly upset with their parents when they split. They weren't told what was going on, they were treated like they were little kids who couldn't understand, and kept in the dark about an event that affect their entire life. It created a huge amount of resentment towards both the parents. Both of the older kids dropped out of highschool, and have since moved out of the house. (16 and 17 year old.) If the parents had talked to them with respect and empathy, explained what was going on, I think they could have adjusted better. Kids are smart, they understand a lot more then you probably want them to. Treat them with respect and dignity. As far as paying mortgages and bills... I was able to pay half of a $1400 dollar a month mortgage, while paying for a room I rented. ($250 a month.) I earned $22,000 a year. Ate a lot of tuna out of a can.. $.69 cents, and couldn't afford gas for my car. It created a ton of animosity in both of us at the time. He accused me of abandoning him, I accused him of being a selfish prick who was living off my dime.... We were supposed to sell the house, but it seemed to me like he was sabotaging the sale since he got a great big house all to himself for only $600 a month. While I lived with 4 other people and didn't have enough to eat, and still had to pay over a grand a month in order to live that crappy. It's possible to pay everything, but you aren't going to be living a comfortable life, and it will create resentment. Good luck to you Becoming. Its not an easy decision to come to.. and implementing it is even harder. But you have a good head on your shoulders, and I know you will do what is best for you and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Becoming Posted March 9, 2006 Author Share Posted March 9, 2006 Thanks, CC. I see your point, which is why I've delayed this decision for years. I'm not altogether hopeless. I do love him, know he loves me, but we really have gotten to a point where there are irreconcilable differences that I can't even get him to acknowledge, let alone try to work out in a mutually satisfying way. And thanks, Walk. Your advice is well-taken about kids. And I appreciate the vote of confidence. How're ya doin? Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Do you have any friends that would let you lease a bedroom from them. Maybe trade part of the rent for chores, or repainting or something? Cut the cost of getting your own place some. Also, being completely alone during the first few months (for me) was... scary and strange. I was only with my exH for 9 years, and suddenly being in a strange place and no one there every night was kind of like culture shock. It actually helped that I had room mates. I didn't have to talk to them if I didn't feel like it, but just knowing I wasn't completely alone in the world helped. Sometimes if feels like you've been isolated from all of humanity. Least it did to me. Until you get you're own apartment/house. Also, contact a lawyer now... get something in writing about the sale of the house. (if you still plan on doing that.) Dictate how costs for everything will be shared, how contractors will be hired, and what the time frame will be for repairing the house. What relator you'll go through... everything. I didn't, and I ended up losing over 200grand after the house sold. Hopefully you're husband won't be such a prick, but I never thought mine would be that way either. How're you holding up? If you need anything, or wanna vent, feel free to PM me. Not sure I have great advice, but I listen well. Link to post Share on other sites
MisterX Posted March 11, 2006 Share Posted March 11, 2006 i am in a "Trial separation" right now...sitting here in an apartment with my 2 wonderful girls (both under 13yrs) it's not working so far..10 weeks in and crying canuck nailed it..not dealing with the issues, now there are new issues!! its stinks..i am finally starting to give up hope... maybe in the end something will change but doesnt look like it.. however if you are willing to consider an actual divorce then by all means you dont have to push the button and say you want that ..but my limited experience is the best intentions in a trial separation does not insure anything positive if you want to reconcile all situations are different so i wish you the best Link to post Share on other sites
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