random tears Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 **SIGH**...... I need help with this......what would you do???? BF had rough past. cheating wife. Bf has a friend that is more like family. This man had a wife. Cheated on him (so the story goes). Friend and wife split up, but now wife is back on scene 4 years later. Working it out again because of kids. ENTER ME. I met the girl. I really really like her. She is the first honest person that I met from the whole entire bunch. I KNOW there is more to the story and I KNOW she will tell me...one day...we arent that close yet. But i so want to be her friend. PROBLEM: This girl calls me frequently and asks to go hang out, meet up for coffee...and I turn her down with excuses....because my BF is standing right there, telling me no way....He doesnt trust her, doesnt like her, and doesnt want me to associate mysef with her. I told him that there are always 2 sides to every story and he doesnt even know for sure what went on. I also told him that what she might of did has nothing to do with me, and I am not a robot and can think for myself. For some reason, he is dead set against her and I becoming friends. Tonight she has asked me to hang out and I really want to... but in order to do that, i pretty much have to LIE to my BF to do this.... Not that he hasnt lied to me in the past when he goes out with his friends......what should I do??? I am torn between wanting to be her friend, and wanting my man to trust me....I have tried to talk it out with him but he doesnt want to listen Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 WTF. That is so controlling. I wonder if someone else will respond because I'm a bit busy but I'm bumping this. Link to post Share on other sites
insomnie Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 I agree with blind otter, that IS incredibly controlling of your boyfriend. You should not have to have his approval to be friends with someone, especially someone of the same gender. I would not lie to him though, that would open up a whole new can of worms. Talk to him, try to make him see how ridiculous he is being by trying to monitor your every move. If he doesn't come around....in my opinion that should tell you he has some power issues. Link to post Share on other sites
basscatcher Posted March 9, 2006 Share Posted March 9, 2006 So the girl is your bf's friends Xgf who is once again his gf. Well it seems your bf doesn't trust this woman because she already messed up his friend in the past. I'm sure his friend is sharing with him what is happening between him and this girl who wants to befriend you. Maybe your bfs friend isn't seroius about this girl. Maybe he plans to use her and your bf doesn't want you to get close to her because that would make all your lives messy. Or he just doens't like the girl and knows she maybe trouble and it will cause problems in your relationship down the road. I think you need to ask him why he doesn't want you and her to hang out and become friends. Find out his reason. He apparently doesn't trust her or knows she is temporary in his friends life.. I would investigate.... Link to post Share on other sites
rude dude Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Controling yes! But do you see why he feels this way? He cares for you and does not want a person who he knows cheated, giving you bad ideas. This is a caring act. You do have the right to hang with whoever you want, but his feelings are being hurt a little. Link to post Share on other sites
onlyhuman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 If this girl was forgiven by the boyfriend thats all that matters. If you were my girlfriend I'd give you the warning advice and let you carry on.It seems to me your not being allowed near this girl because like many stories there are two sides, maybe somone(boyfriend) doesn't want you to know. Maybe your boyfriend should follow his own logic and shun his buddy,you know, if she's so friggin evil and bad, he has poor taste and should be shunned . You are being controlled and your boyfriend does not trust you. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 I think it's pretty controlling of him, but he probably knows her better than you and is trying to look out for you. She doesn't sound like a very nice person. Also, if you guys are pretty serious then your friends are his friends, know what I mean? It probably has less to do with her "influence" over you, I mean you're not a child or a moron, and more to do with not wanting some cancer infecting your lives. I would balk a little at the controlling nature of what he's doing, but I think he probably has good reasons for it. I don't think this particular fight is worth fighting, and I for SURE don't think you should lie to him. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 I think something weird and deeper is going on. Infidelity isn't some contagious virus, and if he thinks that your brain is so easily influenced by others that merely hanging out with someone. Also I think it's rather myopic and ignorant to assume that a person stays exactly the same throughout their lives. I cheated on my exH when I was 21. But we are no longer married, I no longer drink or do drugs, and I'm in therapy now. My entire attitude towards sex has changed. I think it's absolutely hilarious when people judge you based on one action for the rest of your life. In my family I'm the outcast because I got divorced. Yeah, it happened, I can't change it now, but they will judge me for the rest of my life because of that situation and it really hurts when that happens. Let me tell ya. Link to post Share on other sites
grateful Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 This girl calls me frequently and asks to go hang out, meet up for coffee...and I turn her down with excuses....because my BF is standing right there, telling me no way....He doesnt trust her, doesnt like her, and doesnt want me to associate mysef with her. I told him that there are always 2 sides to every story and he doesnt even know for sure what went on. I also told him that what she might of did has nothing to do with me, and I am not a robot and can think for myself. For some reason, he is dead set against her and I becoming friends. There is something going on that your BF, his friend and this woman all know that you don't know. I'm guessing this because she calls frequently and repeatedly, even after you offer excuses and presumably do not suggest alternatives. Who would keep calling after being brushed off? You should insist that your BF tell you what is going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 There is something going on that your BF, his friend and this woman all know that you don't know. I'm guessing this because she calls frequently and repeatedly, even after you offer excuses and presumably do not suggest alternatives. Who would keep calling after being brushed off? You should insist that your BF tell you what is going on. grateful Probably because she already knows that my BF doesnt want me hanging out with her because she "cheated" or so they all say, we both know how bad the gossip is with their friends and family....read on for more... As one poster said, Infidelity doesnt rub off...its not a disease you can catch...WTF.. I went out with her anyway. I am sorry but enough is enough. I have bent over backwards for him, I keep giving and giving and nothing is ever good enough for him. It has gotten to where I am a strange shut in recluse who toils away at cleaning the house and doing laundry and very little else. Only venturing out into the world when I ran out of ajax or food...Thats the way he likes it. I AM ONLY IN MY MID 20's!!!! I dont condone lying and I have never done this to him in the past....but it wasnt like I was going to meet a secret lover and he is rarely 100% honest with me. IN FACT...If I really want to get technical.... he has at least 5 friends that I know of that cheat continuously on their wives PLUS a bunch of single male friends PLUS female friends (who he keeps a "secret" and one he calls at least 3 times a day even at late inappropriate hours) But yet it is "all good" for him to hang out with these friends because according to him "I know what I am doing, I dont know what you are doing, and its not you I dont trust, its the other men" and "they never told me they cheated" (yeah right as if you didnt know)... yet he comes up with these outlandish theorys on why men stray....one time i was a little jealous and he says that the reason men cheat is because their wives are so jealous....come on now.... So yeah, hell yeah, I went out for an hour and had dinner with her and discussed our lives...which by the way....lead to the discussion of her "supposed" cheating....They separated because the husband had been treating her like dirt. She moved into an apartment. a while later, she started dating someone new, and because they werent "technicaly" divorced, it was considered "cheating" to the rest of them.....even though they werent together anymore.... Funny how the rules are changed to suit the situation.... Felt good to just relax and joke around, even if it was only for an hour or so...I havent done it in so long I forgot what it was like to be a normal girl in her mid 20's... I didnt tell him I went out with her, I didnt feel I needed to. After all, he doesnt feel the need to tell me anything..... I know it is going to lead to wanting to hang out more, as we had a good time...which will lead to more lying and sneaking....(it sounds strange I have to do that with a girl) NOW what do you think???? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 I think you did the right thing and your BF is insecure (to borrow a phrase form mountain dew) -- TO THE EXTREME! Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Oh my gosh. It sounds like he is trying to keep you from having friends PERIOD because that makes you easier to control. He doesn't want a wife or a girlfriend, he wants a slave. Screw that, I say leave him and do what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 Thanks for the support.... Yes, my controlling BF and that is only the tip of the ice berg.... Hell, I feel like after all I have been through with him, i needed a break for an hour AT LEAST..... Besides, its not like she said "lets go cheat"...I mean, come on, get real... You cant tell him or his family anything.....EVERYTHING is cheating to them. EVERYTHING......for example not too long ago, I left the house to go to the supermarket while he was at work (i needed windex for a streak free shine) and ended up getting side tracked at a nearby clothing store...and didnt come home until an hour later and the next thing you know, I am considered a cheat....by the family and friends because I guess he is informed when I leave the house or something...... ***snort*** I am held to the VERY HIGHEST standard, everything I do is examined and interpreted and if I am the least bit "off" that day, (like maybe I am on my rag) then "something is up, and maybe I am cheating"... Yet, he can do what he wants and when he does his suspicious sneaky crap and I mention it (only because I am tired of the provoking) it is all explained away in such a RIDICULOUS UNBELIEVABLE way...I mean, come on.... ***SIGH**** The things we do for "love" Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 I dunno bout all THAT, babycakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 bout what??!! at any rate, I dont want to lie to him, but he wont listen to reason, and I dont know if I am prepared to go into another year of cleaning the same spot over and over again, waiting for him, and staring at the walls... I dont know how many thousands of ways I can "prove" my love...he's not proving s***...at all... But I dont want to lie either...I feel decietful...and if he finds out I went out with her......then he will do something very revengeful back to me, that is above and beyond, and doesnt fit the crime such as staying out all nite, WITH WOMEN at a bar...and if I complain "well, you shouldnt have lied and gone with her then" Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Let me ask you something, don't be offended. Does he do anything good? I mean, have you ever sat down and done a pros/cons list about your relationship with this neanderthal? Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 Does he do anything good? wellllll....hhhrrrrmmmm.....let me think.....yes, there was that one time....no....that was purely for his selfish reasons......hhrrrmmmm aah yesss...i remember now..... one time I was sick and he gave me a teaspoon full of robitussun. neanderthal Link to post Share on other sites
onlyhuman Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 You sound like a nice lady Random Tears. Ever heard "Birds of a feather flock together"? People will have affairs, some will change their lives around and learn from the mistake.People who make affairs a national sport are scum and so are people who hang around them and turn a blind eye. Your boyfriend has a very twisted look at morals and ethics. Link to post Share on other sites
Author random tears Posted March 10, 2006 Author Share Posted March 10, 2006 You sound like a nice lady Random Tears. well, thank you, I'd like to think so too.... Your boyfriend has a very twisted look at morals and ethics. YES....yes he does....he sort of goes by his own rules..... Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 10, 2006 Share Posted March 10, 2006 Why are you with this guy? He's mean, his family is mean, he doesn't seem to care about you AT ALL. Why are you still there? Link to post Share on other sites
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