over a month of no contact...ex just e-mailed me...WHAT DO I DO?!?!

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, just when I thought I was getting a tad better by implementing "no contact", I check my e-mail inbox only to find an e-mail from "THE EX". When I saw who the sender was, a flood of emotions and adrenaline rushed into the pit of my stomach. It was not a pleasant feeling. I'm currently in a state of shock (and not the good kind either). So I immediately rushed into this forum to post this.

 

This is the kicker. I HAVEN'T OPENED UP THE E-MAIL YET!!! The reason for this is two-fold. Firstly, I'm scared to death at what I'm going to find out. Secondly, since my ex and I both have AOL e-mail, if I open up her e-mail, she can check the status of the e-mail she sent me, and it will tell her that I read it. So if I don't open it up, it will tell her that the message is unread. I seriously think she may be testing me because she mainly uses her Yahoo e-mail and rarely uses her AOL e-mail, which tells me that she intentionally e-mailed me from her AOL e-mail so she can constantly check and monitor the e-mail status. But I don't know for sure. I just don't know what to do. Am I right for feeling this way, or am I making this worse than it really is?

 

First of all, do I open it? If I do, how should I respond? The only thing I do know is that the subject line reads "hi there". So I'm sure the tone of the e-mail is friendly in nature, but I'll never know unless I open it. And that's where my fear lies...the fear of the unknown.

 

The sad part is that I don't think she realizes how she's tormenting me by sending this e-mail to me. Just so you know, we broke up on Halloween of last year, and the last I heard from her was about a month and a half ago. And that's only because I was smart enough and strong enough to put my foot down and begin NC once and for all...and stick to it, even if it meant forever. Now, had she sent me this e-mail a month ago, it wouldn't have been this big a deal. The reason I think it's affecting me this way is because NC has been allowing me to heal.

 

And now that she's broken the NC, it's as if she's opened up an old wound, one that was finally beginning to scab and form new skin. This is a major mental setback for me, and I'm lost for an answer. You know, I knew she was going to contact me eventually, but I didn't think it was going to be this soon. I figured it would've been in about six months or so, so I never properly prepared myself for this. But, then again, I don't think all the preparation in the world would've done much good, for I'd probably be in the same situation, just months later. Please advise.

[GB111]

I understand your concern, and technology has made it hard for you to be passive about it. Let me tell you, I don't know how old you are, and the answer I would advise would vary greatly based on that information, but let me assume you're an adult with some experience in love.

 

Go ahead and read it. Nobody said you had to respond (we'll get to that in a minute). You know you're going to, so go ahead. In fact, knowing that she more than likely knows how often you check your email, you're not fooling anyone. No sense speculating what the email says. Here's what it says:

 

"Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing, blah, blah, blah". A person is not going to write that they want you back in an email. If they do, they're probably 10 years old and haven't ever kissed anyone. She wants to know if you're still available, and is expressing some interest. This may be due to low self esteem (so she can feel she still has you locked up), a recent breakup with someone she's beginning to tire of, or just good old fashioned game playing. Keep in mind that she doesn't care if you suffer. While she may not have your discontent as her motivation, it is certainly secondary to her comfort.

 

The beauty of this situation, is that you have crossed a mighty river. Previous to this email, SHE had control. YOU now have control. Remember that you now direct the communications. A MAJOR step.

 

Here's my advice... Give the message a read. i don't care how in love with her you are and how many tears you've cried and how many doctors you've seen; BE PLEASANT and INDIFFERENT. When I say "indifferent", I don't mean "don't bother me, I'm busy". I mean "I've been keeping busy, got a new dog, looking for a new house, taking a trip to Mexico", etc. This shows that your life has hardly been on hold. Nothing is more frustrating to an ex lover than thinking that the world didn't revolve around them. Again, you keep control. I PROMISE you, she'll write back. Remember, never blow the big "I love you and I miss you" bomb. That will be the end. Make her realize what she's missing. Then YOU can decide if you want her back. Play coy, but upbeat.

 

The good news is that you couldn't have played your cards better. If you want to GUARANTEE a call from an ex, don't call, don't see them, don't send a card, don't ANYTHING. Trust me, you'll get a response. 100% guaranteed. Can't tell you what to do after this as it hasn't happened yet, but remember, BE IN CONTROL.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

GB

[ashley83]

Please do tell us what happens next!!

 

Also, I haven't gotten that guarunteed call yet, and it has been 2 months of NC for me. Is there still a chance?? I do feel better like you, having implemented NC, waaaaaaaay better than he first few weeks.

[Shattered Heart]

Well, if it helps, I'm 29. But how would your advice vary based on my age? If you want some background on my situation, I've posted other threads on here. Also, as for my experience in love, my ex was my first love. So I don't know how this will affect your advice. And you're right. I'm eventually going to read the e-mail. I know I'm only delaying the inevitable by not reading it right away but, like you said, I'm in control now. So part of me doesn't want to read it now, because how would it appear to her if I had opened it immediately upon receiving it and then replied to it? For all I know, she might have the mindset that she's in control of me, where she "knows" all she has to do is initiate contact with me and I'd drop what I'm doing in a heartbeat and come running to her like a little puppy. That I'm at her constant beck and call. Well, what if I just didn't give her that satisfaction? Would not reading it or replying to it show strength on my part, and make her realize that she no longer has "control" over me? I may give it about a week before I read it, and she'll know exactly when I open it too, which is the beautiful part. However, I wonder what she'll be thinking if I wait a week to reply. Will she think to herself, 'okay, he's either mad at me or he's finally over me and wants nothing to do with me anymore'? Does it hurt me in any way by not replying right away? Since she was my first love, she was also my first breakup. So everything I'm experiencing now is new to me. And I sincerely hate these "games" with a passion. Human psychology is so complex and annoying. I'm just glad you think I've been playing my cards right the whole time. And I will continue to do so, at all costs.

 

And Ashley, I'm sure there's a chance he'll contact you. I can't guarantee anything, but everybody I've spoken to had guaranteed me that I would be hearing from my ex. I was always doubtful, but I suppose they knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. And it has. I also knew that if there was any chance she'd be contacting me, it would be through e-mail, since calling me would put undue pressure on her. At least that part I was right about. But if he does contact you, don't be surprised if you find yourself regressing, especially if you're not 100% over him. It was such a horrible feeling to see that I got an e-mail from her. And to think I should've been ecstatic to hear from her. Go figure.

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, so I heeded everyone's advice, since it was unanimous, and I opened up her e-mail. Everyone felt that it would affect her more if she knew that I read it and didn't respond to it. Here's what the infamous e-mail said:

 

I just wanted to drop a line to say hello and see how you've been. I hope tax season is fruitful for you. I hope all is going well. Things are good here. The weather is always perfect. Take care.

 

-M******

 

What do you make of that and how should I respond? I'm going to give it a few days before I reply to her. I want to make her "sweat" it out for a bit. It's sort of like revenge. And it seems like I'm now in the driver's seat and that the control has now shifted in my favor. I just don't want to ruin my chance of giving the control back to her.

 

Okay, so she doesn't want me back, but even if she did, she wouldn't have included that in the e-mail anyway. At least I don't think so. Does her e-mailing me bode well for me in any way? Does she miss me? It just might be a simple case of her own guilt getting the best of her, where she feels somewhat obligated to "check in" to see how I'm doing, so as not to appear like the uncaring selfish b*tch that she really is. But I'm not bitter or anything of the sort.

 

I'm just torn as to what I should do now, and what my response should be. What I WANT to say to her and what I actually SHOULD say to her are two totally separate things. I just don't know what she'll think of me if I don't respond right away. Will she think that I'm mad at her, or that I'm over her and want nothing to do with her anymore? I just don't know. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Mary3]

You treat her EXACTLY like she treated you.

 

I have a few things to say but lets get to your return email :

 

"Hi Daliah , Glad you are doing great . Me too @ I have purchased a condo and got a new dog named Slipperz. I have my new class starting in April which is going to be great . Been so busy hard to believe its March huh ? Well I am headed out the door , meeting up with some friends and they want to introduce me to someone . Blind dates are silly but hey I gotta give her a try ! She likes the same dry humor that used to make you laugh.

Cheers and have fun with your tax rebate !"

John

 

Notice how busy you are ? Make it authentic . Do some real research and give us a sample of the letter. Remember you are doing GREAT and NO you dont miss her . Dont EVEN go there.

 

She is fishing right now....fishing to break your heart...fishing for EGO gratification...

 

Listen to all posters : NC Is NOT so you can get them back ! Its to HEAL !!!!!! Repeat that back...

 

Remember Orignal Poster : She is playing with your head. Even if she wanted you back....ummmmmm....YOU DON'T !

[CaliGuy]

Don't reply at all.

 

She'll see you read it and be expecting a reply. If you don't reply, she'll start to wonder why.

 

"Wondering Ex's" is a good thing.

[GB111]

I don't know what you can say to her that's going to make any difference. I wouldn't jump into the mind games telling her how much fun you're having dating. Chances are she knows it's not true. Let her wonder. Believe me, she'll think you're dating. No contact, no reply will always lead the other to reach their least desirable conclusion.

 

You really need to continue to heal, which will happen. When and if the time comes that she wants to see you, you want to be prepared. You want to be in control. Right now you have the opportunity to let her mind wander. If she writes again, let us know and we'll give more guidance. The way she writes back will tell much (angry, upset, indifferent?) Actually, if she's indifferent, she won't write at all, but I doubt that's the case. She wouldn't have written in the first place. Good luck. Hang in there!!!

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, that's all great advice, but what would happen if I don't reply? I know she's probably expecting a reply, and not responding will make her wonder why, but will it hurt my chances of getting her back if I completely ignore her? If it doesn't hurt my chances, then at what point do I open the lines of communication? Because if I ignore her completely and never talk to her, she'll eventually get the hint and think I'm over her, at which point she'll move on with her life and want nothing to do with me anymore. I have a feeling I can only keep NC going for so long, and I'll eventually have to talk to her if I have any chance of winning her back. I hear that you should only contact your ex when they initiate contact with you. And when you do reply, be very upbeat and positive. In my case, what should I do now? Ignore this e-mail for now and wait for another one, or e-mail her back now with a positive tone? Also, if I don't reply, will she write again?

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, that's all great advice, but what would happen if I don't reply? I know she's probably expecting a reply, and not responding will make her wonder why, but will it hurt my chances of getting her back if I completely ignore her? If it doesn't hurt my chances, then at what point do I open the lines of communication? Because if I ignore her completely and never talk to her, she'll eventually get the hint and think I'm over her, at which point she'll move on with her life and want nothing to do with me anymore. I have a feeling I can only keep NC going for so long, and I'll eventually have to talk to her if I have any chance of winning her back. I hear that you should only contact your ex when they initiate contact with you. And when you do reply, be very upbeat and positive. In my case, what should I do now? Ignore this e-mail for now and wait for another one, or e-mail her back now with a positive tone? Also, if I don't reply, will she write again?

[Mary3]

No Contact is for YOU to ***heal***.

 

If you want her back , tell her so.

 

BUT NC is NOT a Game !

 

Its for those who want to move forward with their lives.

 

You aren't ready and are hoping to get her back....

 

Why don't you cut the chase and tell her in the email that you would like try again.

 

But ONLY if she wants you back. Otherwise you are in for a world more of pain.

[penkitten]

 

I just wanted to drop a line to say hello and see how you've been. I hope tax season is fruitful for you. I hope all is going well. Things are good here. The weather is always perfect. Take care.

 

-M******

 

 

womanese translation:

i had to email you because you wont answer the phone when i call these days. i hope you are getting back something good on your taxes because i need to borrow some. things suck here and ive been very lonely. its raining. call me , i could use the attention.

-the ex

 

go block her email address from contacting yours. you dont need this bs. shes playing high school games.

[Ariadne]

I just wanted to drop a line to say hello and see how you've been. I hope tax season is fruitful for you. I hope all is going well. Things are good here. The weather is always perfect. Take care.

 

Translation:

 

I'm trying to break nc with you so please write to me please, I don't know what else to say so tax whatever, I hope things are not that great with you and you miss me, things are good here yeah whatever, I don't know what else to say so weather some, who cares. Bye.

 

Ariadne

[Lishy]

She does miss you! Whether she wants you back is another story!

 

If you can I would advise that you do not reply - That has taken her alot to write that mail and she has wrote and re-wrote those words that look so carefree and simple! Trust me on this as I have done the self same thing! You guys would be so shocked to know what us girls are really thinking when we say things!

 

If you want her back then you must not reply. If you do reply then there is a high chance that she will not reply to you again and you will be left feeling like crap all over again! You did not go through this no contact for no reason honey and it is not an accident that you felt better (until she contacted you again)

 

SHe cannot bear the fact that you have wiped her out of your life and her curiosity is killing her. Why give her the satisfaction of knowing what you are doing in your life? Does she deserve that?

 

You decide and act accordingly!

 

Keep us updated and best wishes!

[Shattered Heart]

If you want her back , tell her so.

 

You aren't ready and are hoping to get her back....

 

Why don't you cut the chase and tell her in the email that you would like try again.

 

But ONLY if she wants you back. Otherwise you are in for a world more of pain.

 

From what I've learned thus far about NC, what you're advising me to do is exactly what NOT to do if I want to win her back. I don't know, but telling her how "I feel" and that I'd like to try again would probably only hinder my chances of getting her back and would actually push her away. Wouldn't you agree?

 

womanese translation:

i had to email you because you wont answer the phone when i call these days. i hope you are getting back something good on your taxes because i need to borrow some. things suck here and ive been very lonely. its raining. call me , i could use the attention.

-the ex

 

Just to clear up some things, she hasn't once tried to contact me in any way shape or form in a month and a half. So it wasn't as if I wasn't answering the phone, because she wasn't calling. Her e-mail to me was the first actual contact from her. And I'm a CPA who prepares tax returns, so she's not just rambling or thinking of things to say to me. And she mentioned the weather because she ran off to California to "be with" the guy she left me for. So, as far as I know, she's still happily with him.

 

Translation:

 

I'm trying to break nc with you so please write to me please, I don't know what else to say so tax whatever, I hope things are not that great with you and you miss me, things are good here yeah whatever, I don't know what else to say so weather some, who cares. Bye.

 

So you think she's looking for attention? She hopes that things AREN'T that great with me? If the tone of the e-mail indicates that she doesn't care, why would she be e-mailing me in the first place? There's got to be some hidden meaning behind it, other than the fact that she's just "checking in" with me.

 

She does miss you! Whether she wants you back is another story!

 

If you can I would advise that you do not reply - That has taken her alot to write that mail and she has wrote and re-wrote those words that look so carefree and simple! Trust me on this as I have done the self same thing! You guys would be so shocked to know what us girls are really thinking when we say things!

 

If you want her back then you must not reply. If you do reply then there is a high chance that she will not reply to you again and you will be left feeling like crap all over again! You did not go through this no contact for no reason honey and it is not an accident that you felt better (until she contacted you again)

 

SHe cannot bear the fact that you have wiped her out of your life and her curiosity is killing her. Why give her the satisfaction of knowing what you are doing in your life? Does she deserve that?

 

You decide and act accordingly!

 

Keep us updated and best wishes!

 

I think the only reason she would be missing me is if her new relationship wasn't what she thought it was going to be. Because if she's truly happy with this new guy, would she even think of me at all? Unless her guilt is getting the best of her, as she might actually be starting to develop a conscience. But that's a long shot. And I really don't think she put as much energy into that e-mail as you suspect. Does knowing now that she's already in a relationship change your views and perspective on things? You also mention that if I want her back, I must not reply. That's always something that confused me because if I constantly ignore her, how would we ever get back together? I mean, at some point we would have to re-open the lines of communication. But when? And if she can't bear that I've supposedly wiped her out of my life completely, she has to realize that she brought that upon herself by breaking up with me in the first place. For some reason though, I don't think she could care less about losing me forever. If she didn't want to lose me, she would've made sure to keep me in her life and not break up with me. Am I onto something? And if she's really over me, why would she care what I'm doing with my life? Is she trying to make it appear that she gives a damn about me, even though she probably doesn't even care?

[Ariadne]

So you think she's looking for attention? She hopes that things AREN'T that great with me? If the tone of the e-mail indicates that she doesn't care, why would she be e-mailing me in the first place?

 

No, she's trying to talk to you.

 

And well, when you are missing someone a lot you kind of hope that they'd say, well, things are not that great because I miss you, as opposed to, yeah I'm having a blast here and forgot all about you.

 

And I meant, she doesn't care about the weather or stuff like that, that was just to fill the email,

 

Ariadne

[Lishy]

Oh she cares! She cares about herself!

 

She is letting you know she is still around!

 

Ignore her ass and dont let her know what you are doing .... You have nothing to gain! Answer her when she says something you wish to hear!

[Raven1845]

Oh she cares! She cares about herself!

 

She is letting you know she is still around!

 

Ignore her ass and dont let her know what you are doing .... You have nothing to gain! Answer her when she says something you wish to hear!

Ooo Lishy! I've never seen you so tough! I like it! Listen to Lishy, ShatteredHeart. She gives GREAT advice.

 

And no, don't tell her you miss her, and don't tell her you want her back. CaliGuy knows what he's talking about, he advised not to reply at all.

 

I know it's hard, and I cannot say that I would be practicing what I preach if my ex contacted me. I'd be in here getting tough love from these very caring people first, though, that's for sure.

 

Hang in there!

[climbergirl]

the only thing I can decipher from her e-mail is that you are definately on her mind (ok stating the obvious) but...........crossing someones mind and actually taking the initiative to contact you says to me that you are on her mind a lot. Who knows.......maybe she and her boyfriend hit a rough patch and she is testing the waters with you to see where you're at.

 

NC has it's merits, but only (to me) if you absolutely, unequivocally know that the relationship- no matter how much time has passed- will never go anywhere. So I guess the question you gotta ask yourself is this; answer her and regret doing so because you may find out she and her boyfriend are happy, or not answer and always wonder.

 

I'm personally for answering--then you can move on in one way or another.

 

Good luck with either decision........

[Raven1845]

the only thing I can decipher from her e-mail is that you are definately on her mind (ok stating the obvious) but...........crossing someones mind and actually taking the initiative to contact you says to me that you are on her mind a lot. Who knows.......maybe she and her boyfriend hit a rough patch and she is testing the waters with you to see where you're at.

 

NC has it's merits, but only (to me) if you absolutely, unequivocally know that the relationship- no matter how much time has passed- will never go anywhere. So I guess the question you gotta ask yourself is this; answer her and regret doing so because you may find out she and her boyfriend are happy, or not answer and always wonder.

 

I'm personally for answering--then you can move on in one way or another.

 

Good luck with either decision........

 

I agree with this, as well. But gosh, to find out "yet again" that they're not coming back . . . OUCH!

 

It's a tough decision.

 

One thing is obvious, though. She is thinking of you.

[Tenorman]

I agree that Lishy is spot on! My suggestions: maintain no contact - ie do not respond to the email. If further emails arrive, do not open them this time, delete them. (The email you opened was a pathetic crumb and deserves nothing.) Emails are weak - do not give up the power of your silence for a measly email! If you truly want your ex back then hold on for a phone call from her or a meeting initiated by her. Should that happen, listen to what she has to say, but if what she has to say is anything less than 'I made a mistake, I want to get back with you' then keep your responses short and courteous. Then return to no contact. In the meantime try to enjoy the feeling of being yourself by yourself. The pain you are probably feeling is actually part of that. It is forging you into a stronger person so ride it through.

[Raven1845]

I agree that Lishy is spot on! My suggestions: maintain no contact - ie do not respond to the email. If further emails arrive, do not open them this time, delete them. (The email you opened was a pathetic crumb and deserves nothing.) Emails are weak - do not give up the power of your silence for a measly email! If you truly want your ex back then hold on for a phone call from her or a meeting initiated by her. Should that happen, listen to what she has to say, but if what she has to say is anything less than 'I made a mistake, I want to get back with you' then keep your responses short and courteous. Then return to no contact. In the meantime try to enjoy the feeling of being yourself by yourself. The pain you are probably feeling is actually part of that. It is forging you into a stronger person so ride it through.

 

 

What if email is the only way they have of contacting you? Like if you changed your number.

[Tenorman]

What if email is the only way they have of contacting you? Like if you changed your number.

 

This is only my opinion and I'm not really an advocate for getting back with exes anyway, but the dumper should do the (detective) work. If it was a significant relationship there should be a number of avenues and if the desire is strong enough he or she will find a way - contact family, mutual friends, look up the phone book!

[climbergirl]

I agree with this, as well. But gosh, to find out "yet again" that they're not coming back . . . OUCH!

 

It's a tough decision.

 

One thing is obvious, though. She is thinking of you.

 

I hear ya:) ......but I think I'm a strange anomaly to LS as I exhaust all options before totally moving on (hell, I married the same guy twice!! and I was right the first time)

 

But some people (such as myself) need to be hit over the head...........

 

however, on a more optimistic approach, people do change/gain insight. And this I have also witnessed in my personal relationships.

 

I just think that NC is an over-used term and method on this site and not applicable to everyone.

[CaliGuy]

Oh my ex is thinking of me too. Even reminded her mom twice that my birthday had just passed. However, she did not wish me a happy birthday and as of now, I am quite sure she has no plans to come back.

 

Unless your ex is saying "I screwed up and want you back" anything else they say is pointless. They aren't coming back.