over a month of no contact...ex just e-mailed me...WHAT DO I DO?!?!

[climbergirl]

Oh my ex is thinking of me too. Even reminded her mom twice that my birthday had just passed. However, she did not wish me a happy birthday and as of now, I am quite sure she has no plans to come back.

 

Unless your ex is saying "I screwed up and want you back" anything else they say is pointless. They aren't coming back.

 

Yeah, but in your situation you have a 'middleman' so to speak.

 

Contrary to what you're stating--I have had an 'ex' (now not) e-mail not professing his f'ups initially, because unless he knows I still want to be with him OR at least open to conversing there was no point-he knew he hurt me. But once I responded he let his emotions known. It's so human to fear rejection and tread on thin ice.

 

He (OP) doesn't have to respond assuming some sort of confession. But her response may help in moving forward.

[penkitten]

Just to clear up some things, she hasn't once tried to contact me in any way shape or form in a month and a half. So it wasn't as if I wasn't answering the phone, because she wasn't calling. Her e-mail to me was the first actual contact from her. And I'm a CPA who prepares tax returns, so she's not just rambling or thinking of things to say to me. And she mentioned the weather because she ran off to California to "be with" the guy she left me for. So, as far as I know, she's still happily with him.

 

ok i didnt know the whole story. here i try again:

i wanted to email you because i havent done so in a month and a half when i ran off with that guy. dont know what to say so i will tell you i hope work is going good for you.hope you miss me , cause im single again now . call me cause i will be back in town soon.

[CaliGuy]

Yeah, but in your situation you have a 'middleman' so to speak.

 

True, but as much as her mom wants us to be together, she will not talk to her about her relationships nor suggest she talk to me.

 

Contrary to what you're stating--I have had an 'ex' (now not) e-mail not professing his f'ups initially, because unless he knows I still want to be with him OR at least open to conversing there was no point-he knew he hurt me. But once I responded he let his emotions known. It's so human to fear rejection and tread on thin ice.

 

She knows how to reach me if she changes her mind and I know her. If she does, she will not admit to her mistake, she'll just start chatting with me again like nothing ever happened.

 

He (OP) doesn't have to respond assuming some sort of confession. But her response may help in moving forward.

 

True.

[Shattered Heart]

No, she's trying to talk to you.

 

And well, when you are missing someone a lot you kind of hope that they'd say, well, things are not that great because I miss you, as opposed to, yeah I'm having a blast here and forgot all about you.

 

And I meant, she doesn't care about the weather or stuff like that, that was just to fill the email

 

Okay, I guess the question is WHY is she trying to talk to me? What does she EXPECT or WANT me to say? If the e-mail was simply an intentional reminder that she still exists, I know she still exists. Why would she want to prove that or make me not want to forget her? Hasn't she already caused me enough pain to last a lifetime? That would just be plain cruel if that is her intention. Also, the weather wasn't a fill at all. She has never lived in California before, so this is a whole new experience for her. If anything, she might be rubbing the weather in my face. Does she really think I give a crap about the weather there, and how "perfect" it is? I was told that if I am to reply to her e-mail, it should be as simple as, "Thanks for the weather report."

 

Oh she cares! She cares about herself!

 

She is letting you know she is still around!

 

Ignore her ass and dont let her know what you are doing .... You have nothing to gain! Answer her when she says something you wish to hear!

 

Does she think I'm stupid? She has to realize that all I do is think about her, even though it's been four and a half months since the breakup. So I don't know why she feels it necessary to remind me that she's still around. She would have to be a complete ignorant fool to think that I forgot about her. After all, she's my first love, so she will always be unforgettable to me. Also, that's good advice to answer her when she says something I want to hear, as nothing in her e-mail was anything I WANTED to hear. I guess that's the ONLY case where I can answer her, correct?

 

the only thing I can decipher from her e-mail is that you are definately on her mind (ok stating the obvious) but...........crossing someones mind and actually taking the initiative to contact you says to me that you are on her mind a lot. Who knows.......maybe she and her boyfriend hit a rough patch and she is testing the waters with you to see where you're at.

 

You think I'm on her mind A LOT? Wouldn't that be the case only if she wasn't head over heals in love with this new guy? According to her, they were meant for each other and are nothing short of perfect for each other, so how could she not be ecstatic with him?

 

The email you opened was a pathetic crumb and deserves nothing.

 

Yeah, that's the general consensus. You don't even want to know what my family said about the e-mail.

 

If you truly want your ex back then hold on for a phone call from her or a meeting initiated by her.

 

Well, that's probably not going to happen, since our main form of communication was always either e-mail or IM. So a phone call might be out of the question, since it would be out of character for her to call me. The phone was such a rare item in our relationship, so I will expect an e-mail before a phone call. The only problem with that, however, is that not only are e-mails in writing (where she can show others), but it's also impersonal. So I'll never be able to really hear it in her voice if she ever truly wants me back.

 

Unless your ex is saying "I screwed up and want you back" anything else they say is pointless. They aren't coming back.

 

Yes, but will she ever admit to me that she screwed up? It would really take a lot for her to utter those words to me. Not only that, but she would actually be taking a HUGE risk that I'm still not over her and want her back, because what if I WAS over her and DIDN'T want her back? If that were the case, SHE would actually be the one to get rejected. Talk about turning the tables. If that were to happen though, and she asked for forgiveness as well as getting me back, she would have to place her pride on the shelf. So I understand why dumpers may beat around the bush when attempting to convey their feelings to the dumpee. They, too, would play it safe and choose their words with caution, as they could very well be setting themselves up for disappointment, especially if the dumpee is totally over them. Makes perfect sense if you think about it.

 

ok i didnt know the whole story. here i try again:

i wanted to email you because i havent done so in a month and a half when i ran off with that guy. dont know what to say so i will tell you i hope work is going good for you.hope you miss me , cause im single again now . call me cause i will be back in town soon.

 

I think that's a little far-fetched, but I LIKE IT! Believe me, there would be no greater justice than knowing that the two of them didn't work out and she's now single. Even if I never take her back, I'll have peace of mind knowing that they are no longer together. After all, she left me for HIM. At this point, I'm more concered about her misery than my own happiness. If I had a choice of either taking her back or having the two of them fail as a couple, I would most certainly choose for them to fail. That's how strongly I feel about the situation, being that I'd be more content seeing them fail than if she were to want me back. And I'm not over her by a longshot, so that's some pretty powerful thinking. All I know is that if they do break up, JUSTICE WILL FINALLY BE SERVED!!!

[Mary3]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary3

If you want her back , tell her so.

 

You aren't ready and are hoping to get her back....

 

Why don't you cut the chase and tell her in the email that you would like try again.

 

But ONLY if she wants you back. Otherwise you are in for a world more of pain.

 

 

From what I've learned thus far about NC, what you're advising me to do is exactly what NOT to do if I want to win her back. I don't know, but telling her how "I feel" and that I'd like to try again would probably only hinder my chances of getting her back and would actually push her away. Wouldn't you agree? NC is not a game once again. You use it to heal NOT to get them back. I think you are too into her to think clearly Some have suggested it as a toy but its for your own sanity and healing process. I repeat if you want her back please don't use NC. Other strategies can be used.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by penkitten

womanese translation:

i had to email you because you wont answer the phone when i call these days. i hope you are getting back something good on your taxes because i need to borrow some. things suck here and ive been very lonely. its raining. call me , i could use the attention. She is calling and fishing to see if you take the bite. She is continuing to contact you knowing it hurts. My advice once again is NC if you want to heal. If you want your heart heaped on a platter and burned to the stake then keep contacting and expecting to feel even worse than you do today.

-the ex

 

 

Just to clear up some things, she hasn't once tried to contact me in any way shape or form in a month and a half. So it wasn't as if I wasn't answering the phone, because she wasn't calling. Her e-mail to me was the first actual contact from her. And I'm a CPA who prepares tax returns, so she's not just rambling or thinking of things to say to me. And she mentioned the weather because she ran off to California to "be with" the guy she left me for. So, as far as I know, she's still happily with him. She's not contacting you for the last month because you are not important to her and she wants you out of her life. The more you talk to her the more you are going to hurt. Thats a promise.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariadne

Translation:

 

I'm trying to break nc with you so please write to me please, I don't know what else to say so tax whatever, I hope things are not that great with you and you miss me, things are good here yeah whatever, I don't know what else to say so weather some, who cares. Bye. I agree its all BS and she is just getting her ego fed. Afterall is she with you tonite ? Wake up please. Its over.

 

 

So you think she's looking for attention? She hopes that things AREN'T that great with me? If the tone of the e-mail indicates that she doesn't care, why would she be e-mailing me in the first place? There's got to be some hidden meaning behind it, other than the fact that she's just "checking in" with me. She is emailing you to stir up your emotions. Look how much you have disected and analyzed this but she is NOT thinking about you ...tonite....or any nite...the way you are thinking about her.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lishy

She does miss you! Whether she wants you back is another story!

 

If you can I would advise that you do not reply - That has taken her alot to write that mail and she has wrote and re-wrote those words that look so carefree and simple! Trust me on this as I have done the self same thing! You guys would be so shocked to know what us girls are really thinking when we say things! She may have regrets but I am not sure shes missing you quite the painful way you are missing her..

 

If you want her back then you must not reply. If you do reply then there is a high chance that she will not reply to you again and you will be left feeling like crap all over again! You are not replying because its part of what you need to do to win her back . You are NOT replying because you respect YOURSELF and won't tolerate her ignoring you and playing games with your heart. You did not go through this no contact for no reason honey and it is not an accident that you felt better (until she contacted you again)

 

SHe cannot bear the fact that you have wiped her out of your life and her curiosity is killing her. AmenWhy give her the satisfaction of knowing what you are doing in your life? True DAt !Does she deserve that? Heck No

 

You decide and act accordingly! Thats right YOU take control of your emotions now. She is not a part of your life ...

 

Keep us updated and best wishes!

 

 

 

I think the only reason she would be missing me is if her new relationship wasn't what she thought it was going to be. Because if she's truly happy with this new guy, would she even think of me at all? No she isnt thinking about you as much as you wish that she were. She is with him Unless her guilt is getting the best of her, as she might actually be starting to develop a conscience. But that's a long shot. Err Nope no conscienceAnd I really don't think she put as much energy into that e-mail as you suspect. Does knowing now that she's already in a relationship change your views and perspective on things? You also mention that if I want her back, I must not reply. That's always something that confused me because if I constantly ignore her, how would we ever get back together? You ignore her because you love yourself first and need to stop thinking of getting back together. Who would want that ? I mean, at some point we would have to re-open the lines of communication. But when? Never or in your case when you no longer FEEL anything for her And if she can't bear that I've supposedly wiped her out of my life completely, She can bear itshe has to realize that she brought that upon herself by breaking up with me in the first place. She broke up with you for a reason . For some reason though, I don't think she could care less about losing me forever. She doesnt If she didn't want to lose me, she would've made sure to keep me in her life and not break up with me. Right but she did Am I onto something? And if she's really over me, why would she care what I'm doing with my life? Because you are her cheerleader , her trophy caption, her audience. Tell her the Show is Over ! Is she trying to make it appear that she gives a damn about me, She doesnt at least not in the way you care...even though she probably doesn't even care?

 

 

Shattered Heart

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[Shattered Heart]

I repeat if you want her back please don't use NC. Other strategies can be used.

 

Well then, you've just negated everyone's perspective on NC. Has using any other method besides NC actually worked for you in getting back with an ex? And what other strategies besides NC can be used? Enlighten us, because I'm very curious (and interested).

 

She is calling and fishing to see if you take the bite. She is continuing to contact you knowing it hurts.

 

And what would happen if I DON'T bite? How would she view that situation? All I know is that by maintaining my slience, it just might affect her more than if I actually reply to her.

 

She's not contacting you for the last month because you are not important to her and she wants you out of her life.

 

If I'm not important to her and she wants me out of her life, then WHY on earth is she e-mailing me????????? Somehow I think her e-mailing me is kind of keeping me IN her life. But for what reason? It's as if she's holding onto something.

 

She is emailing you to stir up your emotions.

 

WHY????????? What kind of satisfaction or gratification can she possibly get by stirring up my emotions? Can't she just let well enough alone? Or let bygones be bygones? If according to what you're saying is true, she would have to be a total monster.

 

She may have regrets but I am not sure shes missing you quite the painful way you are missing her..

 

Well, that much is obvious. Afterall, she broke up with me, and now has somebody to take my place.

 

No she isnt thinking about you as much as you wish that she were. She is with him

 

Yeah, but she thought of me enough to actually go out of her way to e-mail me. That has to mean something. It's one thing "thinking" of someone. It's another thing actually putting that "thinking" into words in an e-mail.

 

Err Nope no conscience

 

So you would agree she doesn't have a conscience? I'm sure one can develop over time, like when the "honeymoon phase" is over with this new guy. Then reality might set in and she'll realize and be tormented by her own wrongdoing.

 

You ignore her because you love yourself first and need to stop thinking of getting back together. Who would want that ?

 

Why would I want that? Well, why do people ever get back together? Because of some level, one person is never fully over the other person. You mean to tell me you never wanted to get back together with an ex who tore your heart out?

 

She broke up with you for a reason .

 

Of course. She dumped me for her best friend. And because she's materialistic and eventually gets bored when somebody can't constantly keep providing her with new things. I tell ya, this guy's got his hands full.

 

Because you are her cheerleader , her trophy caption, her audience. Tell her the Show is Over !

 

That just might make her think of me more. Or I can just not reply, which would probably be just as effective.

[Mary3]

I repeat if you want her back please don't use NC. Other strategies can be used. By not contacting her you are doing many things : You are letting her know you are not being affected by her shannanigans . You are telling her that she needs to grow up and if she wants to contact you she can do it like an adult . By PHONE not by IM or texting or emails. The Phone. Great Invention

 

 

Well then, you've just negated everyone's perspective on NC. Has using any other method besides NC actually worked for you in getting back with an ex? And what other strategies besides NC can be used? Enlighten us, because I'm very curious (and interested). That is EXACTLY what I do everytime and that is what I will always do and NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. IT shows that person that you are STRONG. You are NOT consumed every waking hour by them. You ultimately win your own heart back. If they don't want to contact you its their LOSS. I have never pined for someone back once I learned that you NEVER give energy to someone who is NOT giving it back ! Make sense ? Of course it hurts and you want them back only because you are living in the PAST. Step into your future . Do NOT bring the past into your future. She royally screwed up here and now she needs to see what a great guy she lost. Let her MISS you. Get it ?

 

 

Quote:

She is calling and fishing to see if you take the bite. She is continuing to contact you knowing it hurts.

 

 

And what would happen if I DON'T bite? How would she view that situation? All I know is that by maintaining my slience, it just might affect her more than if I actually reply to her. She does NOT view it in the way you Do. Repeat that : She is NOT hurting . She is NOT feeling your Pain. As much as you wish she were she is not...

 

 

Quote:

She's not contacting you for the last month because you are not important to her and she wants you out of her life.

 

 

If I'm not important to her and she wants me out of her life, then WHY on earth is she e-mailing me?????????Its a Game to her. It keeps you connected to her for her own selfish satisfaction. She does not want you to move forward but its okay for her to sleep with someone. Understand ? Somehow I think her e-mailing me is kind of keeping me IN her life. But for what reason? It's as if she's holding onto something. She is holding onto something alright and its not printable here

 

 

Quote:

She is emailing you to stir up your emotions.

 

 

WHY????????? What kind of satisfaction or gratification can she possibly get by stirring up my emotions? Can't she just let well enough alone? Or let bygones be bygones? If according to what you're saying is true, she would have to be a total monster.She does not let go because you won't let go. Once she see's that you have moved forward two things happen. She either feels total devastation or she feels absolutely nothing

 

 

Quote:

She may have regrets but I am not sure shes missing you quite the painful way you are missing her..

 

 

Well, that much is obvious. Afterall, she broke up with me, and now has somebody to take my place. And somebody did.

 

 

Quote:

No she isnt thinking about you as much as you wish that she were. She is with him

 

 

 

Yeah, but she thought of me enough to actually go out of her way to e-mail me. That has to mean something. Gee emailing is not as ballsy as calling you right ?It's one thing "thinking" of someone. It's another thing actually putting that "thinking" into words in an e-mail.

 

 

Quote:

Err Nope no conscience

 

 

So you would agree she doesn't have a conscience? I'm sure one can develop over time, like when the "honeymoon phase" is over with this new guy. If this mistress tries to contact you after failing with the new one then YOU have failed if you take her back. It wont be long before you are dumped again . How would you like a repeat of the pain ? Get what I am saying ? She dumped you once, she will do it again. Get ahead of her game plan , move forward and meet a NICE girl who is not going to dump you because shes bored for Gods sake.Then reality might set in and she'll realize and be tormented by her own wrongdoing.

 

 

Quote:

You ignore her because you love yourself first and need to stop thinking of getting back together. Who would want that ?

 

 

Why would I want that? Well, why do people ever get back together? Because of some level, one person is never fully over the other person. You want the love back , all the memories but it would NOT be the same if she took you back. Its like a shattered fractured glass . You can glue it back but its not the same . Make sense ?You mean to tell me you never wanted to get back together with an ex who tore your heart out? I did and it was terrible the horrible pain I suffered but you know the neat thing is I found Love Shack during out impending break up and these wonderful people here helped me to save my DIGNITY which is something you MUST hold onto by not contacting someone who is playing head games with you .

 

 

Quote:

She broke up with you for a reason .

 

 

Of course. She dumped me for her best friend. And because she's materialistic and eventually gets bored when somebody can't constantly keep providing her with new things. I tell ya, this guy's got his hands full. Yes he does and one day he is going to be suffering like you are today . How does that make you feel ? About her ?

 

 

Quote:

Because you are her cheerleader , her trophy caption, her audience. Tell her the Show is Over !

 

 

That just might make her think of me more. Or I can just not reply, which would probably be just as effective. Exactly !

 

 

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[Ariadne]

Hello you,

 

Ah, I see. The weather comment now does make some sense.

 

Okay, I guess the question is WHY is she trying to talk to me? What does she EXPECT or WANT me to say?

 

Again, you guys make everything so complicated...

 

Here:

 

I just wanted to drop a line to say hello and see how you've been. I hope tax season is fruitful for you. I hope all is going well. Things are good here. The weather is always perfect. Take care.

 

Reply:

 

Hi, well that was a surprise to receive your email. I'm doing great, thank you. I've been (studying hard/skating/training) quite a lot lately. Other than that (some). Hope you are adapting well to the new place and making new friends. Enjoy the weather.

 

Ariadne

[Dinnj1]

please don't write her back...

she made you sweat for a month

now she's fishin'.... she threw the line in... the bobber moved when you read the email... and now she's waitin' to pull you into the boat. And this will happen when you respond. Unfortunately, all the translations to that email are correct. She's looking for an ego boost... not yours, but hers.

 

wait for her 3rd contact... then reply... if you must.

[francis]

did u decide whether to reply already?

 

here's my take;

 

she was bored and curiosity got the better of her, she decided to write you an email to see what kind of response she got. motives: ego boost/something to pass the time/loneliness in a new town/her new man was out on a night out with his friends...she was home alone, feeling put out, so decided to check up on you.

 

but;

 

when i broke up with my ex from two years ago, and then decided it was a mistake, i began emailing him again. but that was with direct questions as to how he felt about things. as soon as i found out he still missed me, which he came right out and said, i proclaimed my change of heart and we eventually got back together.

 

my advice; don't reply.

 

if she does want you back, she won't give up so easily. she will pester you. her emails will get a little less vague and more direct/explicit as to her motives.

 

if you don't hear from her again, you have your answer. and your dignity is still intact.

[lamar_84]

I totally agree with francis

[lamar_84]

I totally agree with francis.

[Shattered Heart]

By not contacting her you are doing many things : You are letting her know you are not being affected by her shannanigans . You are telling her that she needs to grow up and if she wants to contact you she can do it like an adult . By PHONE not by IM or texting or emails. The Phone. Great Invention

 

So I guess I'd be "telling" her a lot of things by not telling her a thing. Silence is really golden. And you think her e-mail is all part of her no-good shannanigans? She does need to grow up, I know that much. Whether she picks up the phone is another thing.

 

NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. IT shows that person that you are STRONG. If they don't want to contact you its their LOSS. She royally screwed up here and now she needs to see what a great guy she lost. Let her MISS you.

 

It may be her loss, but she's not looking at it that way. Right now, I seriously doubt she thinks she royally screwed up by breaking up with me. The only way she's ever going to realize what she lost with me is if her new relationship sours. Until then, I just don't think she misses me...or ever will for that matter.

 

She is NOT hurting . She is NOT feeling your Pain. As much as you wish she were she is not...

 

Exactly my point.

 

Its a Game to her. It keeps you connected to her for her own selfish satisfaction. She does not want you to move forward but its okay for her to sleep with someone. Understand ?

 

Why would she be playing games with me? According to her, we're done. I'm no longer a part of her life. So why wouldn't she want to see me move forward and be happy? Does she want me wallowing in my own misery? Would THAT satisfy her? She breaks up with me, wants to see me in pain, while she's allowed to be happy? Sounds kind of hypocritical if you ask me.

 

She does not let go because you won't let go. Once she see's that you have moved forward two things happen. She either feels total devastation or she feels absolutely nothing

 

How would she know that I'm not letting go? Unless I actually keep in contact with her, she'll never know how I am doing or what is going on in my life. As we speak, she can venture to guess that I'm either still pining away for her, or have moved on with my life. Either way, she won't know, nor will she, unless I outright tell her. Which is probably the purpose of her e-mail. She might be fishing for info to feed her own curiosities. And knowing her, if she finds out I've moved on, I tend to think she'll feel absolutely nothing. But, then again, I've made her out to be some monster which she may not be.

 

If this mistress tries to contact you after failing with the new one then YOU have failed if you take her back. It wont be long before you are dumped again . How would you like a repeat of the pain ? Get what I am saying ? She dumped you once, she will do it again. Get ahead of her game plan , move forward and meet a NICE girl who is not going to dump you because shes bored for Gods sake.

 

If what you're saying is true, then when does the saying take effect that if you love somebody set them free, if they come back it's meant to be?

 

You want the love back , all the memories but it would NOT be the same if she took you back. Its like a shattered fractured glass . You can glue it back but its not the same .

 

Or a shattered heart in my case. I guess I would just have to follow my heart (what's left of it) if she were to ever want to get back together.

 

Yes he does and one day he is going to be suffering like you are today . How does that make you feel ? About her ?

 

Everybody keeps speculating that they won't last as a couple. I have yet to meet or hear from someone who thinks they will actually last. Boy I hope everybody knows what they're talking about. There's so much negativity surrounding them that I wish some of it could actually be projected on them. Well, if what everybody is saying is true, they are destined to be doomed anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter.

[Shattered Heart]

Hi, well that was a surprise to receive your email. I'm doing great, thank you. I've been (studying hard/skating/training) quite a lot lately. Other than that (some). Hope you are adapting well to the new place and making new friends. Enjoy the weather.

 

So, Ariadne, according to you, is that what I SHOULD say? Or is that something she EXPECTS or WANTS me to say? That sounds too pleasant if you ask me. And of course us guys make things so complicated. It's our nature to want to "know", as it's your nature to "feel". Logic and emotions are always at war with each other. I suppose it's why most men and women can never understand each other.

 

Unfortunately, all the translations to that email are correct. She's looking for an ego boost... not yours, but hers.

 

wait for her 3rd contact... then reply... if you must.

 

So it's pretty obvious she's looking out for her own best interests? That she could care less about me? As long as she gets what she wants, right? And wait for her "3rd" contact? Why 3rd and not 2nd? Is there any significance to a 3rd contact?

[Shattered Heart]

francis,

 

I'm officially speechless. That has got to be the best advice I've heard yet. And I know this because it doesn't lead me to question anything you've said. Because of that, I think I have found my answer. I think what made your advice so validating is the fact that you've "been there, done that". That it was a real-life example instead of speculation. You've actually been one of the few who have realized you've made a mistake and wanted to get back together with your ex. And you've shown me through "your eyes" the exact process of how it works, or should work. I am going to live by your advice since you've set an example for me. I'm telling you, the advice you gave is so great, you should be posting it all over this site. Whenever I hear somebody questioning what they should do about an ex who just contacted them, I am going to refer them to your post. Thanks, francis, I needed that. That was such a relief. Truly amazing. Such a simple and effective, yet powerful tactic. I guess the only question I have left at this point is, are you still together with him?

[Mary3]

By not contacting her you are doing many things : You are letting her know you are not being affected by her shannanigans . You are telling her that she needs to grow up and if she wants to contact you she can do it like an adult . By PHONE not by IM or texting or emails. The Phone. Great Invention

 

 

 

So I guess I'd be "telling" her a lot of things by not telling her a thing. Exactly ! Now I think you are getting it....you really NEED to get it for your own sanity and dignitySilence is really golden. And you think her e-mail is all part of her no-good shannanigans? Her email is ploy to hurt you simple and trueShe does need to grow up, I know that much. Whether she picks up the phone is another thing.She should have already picked up the phone....she is too busy with something else.....you are no longer her #1 priority. Thats why you need to get healed so you can someday be in a relationship where you ARE #1 Priority ( or # 2 priority if she has children )

 

 

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NC is the best thing you can do for yourself. IT shows that person that you are STRONG. If they don't want to contact you its their LOSS. She royally screwed up here and now she needs to see what a great guy she lost. Let her MISS you.

 

 

It may be her loss, but she's not looking at it that way.No but it really is her loss to have had a wonderful healthy loving man( past tense for her ) who is stronger now and does not need her cra* Right now, I seriously doubt she thinks she royally screwed up by breaking up with me. She may never think she screwed up until her newest bf and her have their first fight and she whines and wants something else againThe only way she's ever going to realize what she lost with me is if her new relationship sours. Until then, I just don't think she misses me...or ever will for that matter.

 

 

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She is NOT hurting . She is NOT feeling your Pain. As much as you wish she were she is not...

 

 

Exactly my point.

 

 

Quote:

Its a Game to her. It keeps you connected to her for her own selfish satisfaction. She does not want you to move forward but its okay for her to sleep with someone. Understand ?

 

 

Why would she be playing games with me? Because she is immature and wants some attention just to validate any feelings you might have left for herAccording to her, we're done. I'm no longer a part of her life. Thankfully so....So why wouldn't she want to see me move forward and be happy? Because she gets some satisfaction with your reaction of any sort of contact she might present to youDoes she want me wallowing in my own misery?If she is a cold blooded wench of course... Would THAT satisfy her? Absolutely if she has hateful issues or has some residual anger about something left over regarding youShe breaks up with me, wants to see me in pain, while she's allowed to be happy?Sounds like garbage doesn't it ? Thats why YOU have to get on with your life Sounds kind of hypocritical if you ask me.

 

 

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She does not let go because you won't let go. Once she see's that you have moved forward two things happen. She either feels total devastation or she feels absolutely nothing

 

 

 

How would she know that I'm not letting go? You are not letting go now in your actionsUnless I actually keep in contact with her, she'll never know how I am doing or what is going on in my life.Thats right she has no business knowing about your life now As we speak, she can venture to guess that I'm either still pining away for her, That right there would boost her fragile egoor have moved on with my life. I hope you can sincerly do just that Either way, she won't know, nor will she, unless I outright tell her.She has no right to your thoughts feelings or actions Which is probably the purpose of her e-mail. She might be fishing for info to feed her own curiosities.Curious in a hurtful sort of way ! And knowing her, if she finds out I've moved on, I tend to think she'll feel absolutely nothing. Well then there you go...see all the time you wasted on thinking about her ?But, then again, I've made her out to be some monster which she may not be.She's not a monster. Shes a human being who has left for greener pastures...

 

 

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If this mistress tries to contact you after failing with the new one then YOU have failed if you take her back. It wont be long before you are dumped again . How would you like a repeat of the pain ? Get what I am saying ? She dumped you once, she will do it again. Get ahead of her game plan , move forward and meet a NICE girl who is not going to dump you because shes bored for Gods sake.

 

 

If what you're saying is true, then when does the saying take effect that if you love somebody set them free, if they come back it's meant to be?Because you set them free and they realize that they still miss you and love you and they will come back. If they don't come back they were not worthy of you and they did not love you in a healthy way that helped you grow together

 

 

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You want the love back , all the memories but it would NOT be the same if she took you back. Its like a shattered fractured glass . You can glue it back but its not the same .

 

 

Or a shattered heart in my case. I guess I would just have to follow my heart (what's left of it) if she were to ever want to get back together But in reality you really don't want her back by lowering your standards for someone who will take you back after she uses up the present poor soul...right ?

 

 

Everybody keeps speculating that they won't last as a couple. I have yet to meet or hear from someone who thinks they will actually last. Boy I hope everybody knows what they're talking about. There's so much negativity surrounding them that I wish some of it could actually be projected on them. Well, if what everybody is saying is true, they are destined to be doomed anyway. So I guess it doesn't really matter.

Karma in effect ...

[Dinnj1]

Unfortunately, all the translations to that email are correct. She's looking for an ego boost... not yours, but hers. Wait for her 3rd contact... then reply... if you must.

 

It's really no different then what Francis said... without all the detail.

 

3rd contact, 4th? 5th? Was hoping by the 3rd.... then that would be 'pestering' As long as she's being straight up with you and not beating around the bush... like her first email. But that was more or less her just trying to break the ice with you.

[Shattered Heart]

Her email is ploy to hurt you simple and true

 

As much as that doesn't make sense how or why she would want to hurt me, I'll take your word for it.

 

you are no longer her #1 priority. Thats why you need to get healed so you can someday be in a relationship where you ARE #1 Priority

 

That's what I don't understand. We were once each other's #1 priority. But, for some reason, she chose to not only not make me her #1 priority, but to kick me to the curb and out of her life altogether. Why did it have to be such a drastic decision?

 

No but it really is her loss to have had a wonderful healthy loving man( past tense for her ) who is stronger now and does not need her cra*

 

Thank you, and I hope she realizes this one day.

 

She may never think she screwed up until her newest bf and her have their first fight and she whines and wants something else again

 

From your mouth to God's ears.

 

Absolutely if she has hateful issues or has some residual anger about something left over regarding you

 

She has absolutely nothing to be angry at me about. And if her mind is tricking her into feeling angry at me for whatever reason, that's her own insecurities, for I treated her like royalty. We never really fought, our relationship was healthy (or so I thought), and we seemed perfect for each other. So I'd be very surprised to learn if she has pent up anger towards me. If anything, I'm the one who should be angry with her.

 

You are not letting go now in your actions

 

True, but she doesn't know that, nor will she.

 

she has no business knowing about your life now. She has no right to your thoughts feelings or actions

 

Is that the way breakups really work?

 

She's not a monster. Shes a human being who has left for greener pastures...

 

Or at least what she THINKS are greener pastures. Will people such as her, who think that the grass is always greener on the other side, ever be totally content and happy in life? What are they looking for? Especially when they already have goodness staring them in the face?

 

Because you set them free and they realize that they still miss you and love you and they will come back. If they don't come back they were not worthy of you and they did not love you in a healthy way that helped you grow together

 

So, if anything, I guess the really hard decision-making now lies with her, as though she's faced with the grueling task of figuring out whether or not she's worthy of me, which could be much more difficult than my dilemma of whether or not I want to take her back. Right?

 

But in reality you really don't want her back by lowering your standards for someone who will take you back after she uses up the present poor soul...right ?

 

True, but I would never take her back unless she apologizes profusely and gets the help she needs. Even then, I'd be hesitant.

 

Karma in effect ...

 

It's bound to happen, right? What goes around, comes around. I hope so.

[Shattered Heart]

It's really no different then what Francis said... without all the detail.

 

3rd contact, 4th? 5th? Was hoping by the 3rd.... then that would be 'pestering' As long as she's being straight up with you and not beating around the bush... like her first email. But that was more or less her just trying to break the ice with you.

 

So you'd agree that her e-mail was beating around the bush? And why would she be trying to break the ice with me, unless she's beginning to regret her decision about leaving me. But I don't think that's the case. It's too early for that to happen anyway. In most cases, I don't see that happening until about a year after the breakup. I don't know why that is, but it seems to be the trend.

[Mary3]

Her email is ploy to hurt you simple and true

 

 

As much as that doesn't make sense how or why she would want to hurt me, I'll take your word for it.She hurt you in lots of ways and one of them was not respecting your feelings and trying to work things out , thus ending the relationship. I can't think of anything more painful than that except she added salt to your wound by trying to contact you again.

 

 

Quote:

you are no longer her #1 priority. Thats why you need to get healed so you can someday be in a relationship where you ARE #1 Priority

 

 

That's what I don't understand. We were once each other's #1 priority. But, for some reason, she chose to not only not make me her #1 priority, but to kick me to the curb and out of her life altogether. Why did it have to be such a drastic decision?Thats called * no longer interested in you * and for whatever reasons she changed and grew in a different direction and you did not meet her present needs.

 

 

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No but it really is her loss to have had a wonderful healthy loving man( past tense for her ) who is stronger now and does not need her cra*

 

 

 

Thank you, and I hope she realizes this one day. Whether she ever realizes it , the most important thing is that YOU matter and this is your life passing by rather quickly. Its more important that you have an awakening in yourself than it is for you to wish and hope that she * wakes up * someday. They rarely do. What happens is they change inside and their feelings go with them. There is always a chance of that person going" Gee ,I screwed up" but please don't hold your breath waiting..

 

 

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She may never think she screwed up until her newest bf and her have their first fight and she whines and wants something else again

She is in transistion and may never be satisfied with what she has.

 

From your mouth to God's ears.

 

 

Quote:

Absolutely if she has hateful issues or has some residual anger about something left over regarding you

 

 

She has absolutely nothing to be angry at me about. If its not anger then its just that she changed inside with how she felt about you and the type of needs she had and you could not meet them. Whether they be sexual needs or emotional needs or needs for something new in her life.And if her mind is tricking her into feeling angry at me for whatever reason, that's her own insecurities, for I treated her like royalty. We never really fought, That right there concerns me. Not that you * fight * but that you should have been able to disagree and not fear the end of the relationship. I always believed in keeping the peace but sometimes you MUST be able to communicate that something that SHE wants or YOU want can be voiced.our relationship was healthy (or so I thought), and we seemed perfect for each other. So I'd be very surprised to learn if she has pent up anger towards me. If anything, I'm the one who should be angry with her.You should have anger, then a gradually fading until you feel NOTHING which is EXACTLY where you want to be. If you hold on to the anger you are holding on to the past and you cannot grow and get healed.

 

 

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You are not letting go now in your actions

 

 

True, but she doesn't know that, nor will she. True she may not know but its not about her anymore ,its about YOU.

 

 

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she has no business knowing about your life now. She has no right to your thoughts feelings or actions

 

 

Is that the way breakups really work?Well, yes. They really have NO rights when they break your heart. You owe her nothing . You have the rest of your life ahead of you.

 

 

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She's not a monster. Shes a human being who has left for greener pastures...

 

 

Or at least what she THINKS are greener pastures. Will people such as her, who think that the grass is always greener on the other side, ever be totally content and happy in life?No, and you need to know she will continue to explore other greener pastures because she didn't want to graze in yours anymore. Which is not to say she won't regret or continue to hold on to you or we can find you back together at a drop of HER hat but hopefully you will not * go there * if that happens. What are they looking for? Especially when they already have goodness staring them in the face?We would like to think we are good and kind and great and were the best boyfriend ( in your case ) but the reality is she ate up your kindness , spit out the favors and dumped the dirty bathwater out your back door. She does not care that you were good so now you need to find someone who DOES !

 

 

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Because you set them free and they realize that they still miss you and love you and they will come back. If they don't come back they were not worthy of you and they did not love you in a healthy way that helped you grow together

 

 

So, if anything, I guess the really hard decision-making now lies with her, as though she's faced with the grueling task of figuring out whether or not she's worthy of me, which could be much more difficult than my dilemma of whether or not I want to take her back.Wrong . Please live in the present because you cannot grow living in your past , which is where she is now,.Your PAST. Right? So wrong

 

 

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But in reality you really don't want her back by lowering your standards for someone who will take you back after she uses up the present poor soul...right ?

 

 

True, but I would never take her back unless she apologizes profusely and gets the help she needs. Even then, I'd be hesitant.She could offer you the moon and stars but do you really want back this hearbreaker ? How long do you think it would last. I know you think she will come back or wants to come back or maybe wants to come back but she DOES not and if she did she is going to USE you up big time and move on again.

 

 

Quote:

Karma in effect ...

 

 

It's bound to happen, right? What goes around, comes around. I hope so.Absolutely !

 

 

Shattered Heart

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Today, 12:24 AM #44

Shattered Heart

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Join Date: Jan 2006

Posts: 43 Quote:

It's really no different then what Francis said... without all the detail.

[francis]

SH,

 

Glad I could help and offer some perspective.

 

Did she email you again?

 

In my situation, we got back together after one month of him deliberating over whether he wanted to give us a second chance. But that was with regular email contact (we were LDR, and email was our most common mode of communication). After about a month of that, he flew to my country and spent about a week with me, and we worked it out.

 

He needed to see that I was serious. And I was, and I was direct about that. It wasn't easy admitting the mistake, but when I did realise, I did something about it. I was confident that he still loved me, and was persistent. But I did rely on him being honest with me about his feelings. I went in slowly, and had to know he still missed me and wanted me before I did anything. Otherwise, to pursue him would have been futile and it would have hurt him even more. But I certainly wouldn't have given up at one email. And I was totally direct about asking him how he felt about us.

This was three years ago.

 

I think to pursue a second chance, a person has to be so so sure that it is what they want.

 

Our situation was difficult because of the LD. He actually broke up with me last May over difficulties in being apart, the original reason I broke up with him. So I guess the crucial thing is here that it wasnt like either of us have fallen out of love with eachother. We are still in regular contact even up to this day. We send each other emails regularly, support each other, even send eachother gifts. but while we are LD, it isnt going to work because it hurts too much.

 

I think if you havent heard anything by now, it's pretty clear she's not serious about getting back with you.

 

Sometimes it's as simple as 'actions speak louder than words'. I think if anyone wants something to happen, they take action to make it happen.

[hindsight]

just because she emailed you out of the blue doesnt mean you have an obligation to drop everything and respond, piss on that.

[hindsight]

if someone with aol email ,emails you ,you can delete it and go to recently deleted email and retrieve it and read it and if they check the status it will show deleted ....diabolical

[Shattered Heart]

francis,

 

No, she hasn't e-mailed me again. However, I never replied to her one and only e-mail. Tomorrow will be three weeks since receiving her e-mail. Who knows how she is at this point. Since I got the e-mail, I can't help but wonder if things aren't all that great with her and the "new" guy (I say new, but they've known each other for about 12 years). Is she happy? If so, why e-mail me? If she's not happy, does she want me to reply and tell her how much I still miss her? These are just a few of the questions among the many that have been circling around in my head since receiving the e-mail. Who knows? Maybe she knew that by sending it, it would stir up a whole bunch of thoughts and emotions inside me, thereby succeeding at her insidious task of hurting me more, assuming it is her intentions to play mind games with me. But I just don't know. And I'll never know, especially if I never reply to her.

 

As for your situation, I'm actually disappointed because it decreases my level of hope. I thought it was a case of you falling out of love with him, and then realizing in a year or so that you still had feelings for him and wanted him back. However, not only did you not lose your feelings for him, but the breakup was still so fresh. So I can see how your tactic would've worked in your situation. In my situation, however, she claims she fell out of love with me, and then immediately ended up with her "friend". So, based on both of our situations, it appears less likely that my ex will do what you did with your boyfriend.

 

I agree with you when it comes to second chances. The only exception I see is that my ex may want to get back together with me not out of love, but out of familiarity. But that's human nature. Not only is she familiar with me, but it would also be a source of comfort for her as well, since all I ever did was provide her with love and stability. I was stable...our relationship was stable...she wasn't. Maybe instability is the only thing she knows. Maybe she's so used to it, she actually seeks and thrives on it. Maybe she's now experiencing a ton of instability with her new guy. I sure hope so.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it may not work out with your guy. I've always heard about those long distance relationships, as there's rarely a success story. The pain you're feeling is probably the same as what I'm feeling, since we never fell out of love with our exes. The only difference is the hurt and pain of rejection that I'm feeling because she kicked me to the curb and out of her life. I'd be very surprised if she redevelops feelings for me. And if she does, it might be at the end of this year, but no time soon. That's just what I feel. But I could be wrong. Then it'll be a question of whether she takes action to pursue me if she truly wants me back.

[Shattered Heart]

hindsight,

 

You're right. I have no obligation to reply to her. I don't owe her anything. My only motivation for replying to her at this point is the simple fact that I don't want to appear as some inconsiderate jerk who doesn't even have the common courtesy or decency of a reply. My problem is that I'm too nice, and it's my niceness that wants me to reply. And she knows how receptive I've always been in responding. So I can only imagine what she's been thinking since I haven't replied to her. She's probably thinking to herself, 'Wow, I must have really hurt him bad'. And how she feels about that is another story altogether.

 

And thanks for the great tip regarding the AOL e-mail. And here I thought I knew every trick in the book. Haha.