over a month of no contact...ex just e-mailed me...WHAT DO I DO?!?!

[CaliGuy]

hindsight,

 

You're right. I have no obligation to reply to her. I don't owe her anything. My only motivation for replying to her at this point is the simple fact that I don't want to appear as some inconsiderate jerk who doesn't even have the common courtesy or decency of a reply. My problem is that I'm too nice, and it's my niceness that wants me to reply. And she knows how receptive I've always been in responding. So I can only imagine what she's been thinking since I haven't replied to her. She's probably thinking to herself, 'Wow, I must have really hurt him bad'. And how she feels about that is another story altogether.

 

And thanks for the great tip regarding the AOL e-mail. And here I thought I knew every trick in the book. Haha.

 

The only way to break out of 'nice guy' syndrome is to almost be counter-intuitive. Do the opposite of what you used to do. If you always did everything for her then stop it. If you always replied right away, stop it.

 

Take the time to figure out what YOU want and what is in your best interest. Ask yourself "What do I want?"

 

You've waited three weeks which I feel is a bit long. She hasn't emailed you back so my only guess is she was fishing. Don't reply to the email now. Just wait and see if she emails you again.

[Shattered Heart]

The only way to break out of 'nice guy' syndrome is to almost be counter-intuitive. Do the opposite of what you used to do. If you always did everything for her then stop it. If you always replied right away, stop it.

 

That sounds good, but I assume you're referring to the way I should be dealing with only my ex, and not any future women, right? I was never able to fathom why women find men who sh*t all over them to be more appealing than the guys who treat them the way they should be treated. I'll never get that. Then again, that falls into the category of trying to understand women, so I'll just stop while I'm ahead. Haha.

 

Take the time to figure out what YOU want and what is in your best interest. Ask yourself "What do I want?"

 

That's easy. All I want is to love and be loved, for it to be everlasting, and never having to worry about being replaced one day. As far as I'm concerned, there is no greener grass on the other side. I'm the greenest as they come.

 

You've waited three weeks which I feel is a bit long. She hasn't emailed you back so my only guess is she was fishing. Don't reply to the email now. Just wait and see if she emails you again.

 

Well, if what you're saying is true, and she was only fishing, then the best thing I could've done is not reply to her. So I guess I did the right thing. However, let's say I did reply to her, and it turns out she was only fishing. In that case, it probably would've been a mistake for me to reply to her. Which leads me to ask...WHEN?...when do I reply to her? If not to this e-mail, what about any future e-mails I may receive from her? At what point would it be okay to reply to her and not worry whether or not she's only fishing?

[CaliGuy]

That sounds good, but I assume you're referring to the way I should be dealing with only my ex, and not any future women, right? I was never able to fathom why women find men who sh*t all over them to be more appealing than the guys who treat them the way they should be treated. I'll never get that. Then again, that falls into the category of trying to understand women, so I'll just stop while I'm ahead. Haha.

 

Women don't want men who crap all over them either. It's a very simple formula, really.

 

1. Be independent. (don't be clingy, don't need her. Want her, yes but don't NEED her)

2. Have a purpose. (a driving force)

3. Don't seek her approval. (nice guy syndrome)

4. Be easy going, fun, laid back.

5. Do NOT be clingy.

6. Be a bit of a challenge.

7. Don't be predicatable or boring. That said, don't be so unpredictable that you are weird. There is a fine line. (Predictable=boring)

8. Be happy.

9. Don't lay all your cards on the table. Leave her something to ponder about you.

10. Always be in control of yourself. Never let her see you sweat.

11. Be confident and self-assured. Healthy confidence and self-esteem will help drive the other 10 things. Without confidence and self-esteem none of the other things are possible.

 

That's easy. All I want is to love and be loved, for it to be everlasting, and never having to worry about being replaced one day. As far as I'm concerned, there is no greener grass on the other side. I'm the greenest as they come.

 

Then if you are confident you don't need to prove it to anyone. They will see it in the way you carry yourself.

 

Well, if what you're saying is true, and she was only fishing, then the best thing I could've done is not reply to her. So I guess I did the right thing. However, let's say I did reply to her, and it turns out she was only fishing. In that case, it probably would've been a mistake for me to reply to her. Which leads me to ask...WHEN?...when do I reply to her? If not to this e-mail, what about any future e-mails I may receive from her? At what point would it be okay to reply to her and not worry whether or not she's only fishing?

 

I believe she was fishing because she hasn't written you back. I've always maintained that if an ex really wants you back, neither hell or high water will stop them from reaching you. One un-replied email wouldn't stop them.

 

In this case, she isn't doing that. Now if she emails you or contacts you again and is specific about what she wants then only you can decide what to do at that point. Hopefully by then you have moved on to greener pastures yourself and won't want her.

 

Please. Read and re-read my guide to second chances and start living it. It's not just for second chances! If you follow it, it will help get you into the frame of mind to be successful with the next relationship.

[destination_unknown]

Gosh, CG, I wouldn't expect any guy to be all the things on the list - but they are a good breakdown of stuff to work on for anyone who has been a doormat.

 

If somebody truly loves you and is emotionally mature they understand that sometimes people are a little insecure or need affection, thats just life and *part* of being in a relationship is supporting each other when things arent so great for one of the partnership.

 

The problem occurs if the clingyness/unhappiness/dependence/approval seeking etc. characterise the relationship. Its unfair for anyone to expect their partner to be all those things all the time. You shouldnt have to hide all your emotions and veunerabilities from your partner, i mean of course work on yourself so your happy with yourself.

 

I think it sounds like im saying dont try to be those things, im definitely not, just lacking a little clarity cause its way past my bedtime! What I mean is dont be so hard on yourselves guys! An understanding girlfriend will love ya all the more for showing your a little veneurable sometime.

 

Hmm, i cant find the equation on the balancing act for this!!

[CaliGuy]

Gosh, CG, I wouldn't expect any guy to be all the things on the list - but they are a good breakdown of stuff to work on for anyone who has been a doormat.

 

If somebody truly loves you and is emotionally mature they understand that sometimes people are a little insecure or need affection, thats just life and *part* of being in a relationship is supporting each other when things arent so great for one of the partnership.

 

The problem occurs if the clingyness/unhappiness/dependence/approval seeking etc. characterise the relationship. Its unfair for anyone to expect their partner to be all those things all the time. You shouldnt have to hide all your emotions and veunerabilities from your partner, i mean of course work on yourself so your happy with yourself.

 

I think it sounds like im saying dont try to be those things, im definitely not, just lacking a little clarity cause its way past my bedtime! What I mean is dont be so hard on yourselves guys! An understanding girlfriend will love ya all the more for showing your a little veneurable sometime.

 

Hmm, i cant find the equation on the balancing act for this!!

 

Heh. Logically it's very hard to be all of those things, but they do give you a target goal to work on.

 

Being confident and secure in yourself will help you get there in the shortest amount of time.

 

It is the basis for all successful relationships.

[destination_unknown]

Definitely excellent target goals for everyone, dont like to see you guys being too hard on yourselves!

[MrAndyFisher]

Personally i don't recommend it. Loads of people told me not to contact her, i did, and it put me back to square one.

[riobikini]

Don't get caught up in the twisted, emotionally abusive 'email trap'.

 

Block him.

 

-Rio

[Mary3]

francis,

 

No, she hasn't e-mailed me again.Good However, I never replied to her one and only e-mail.Great ! Tomorrow will be three weeks since receiving her e-mail.Nice how time flys Who knows how she is at this point.Enjoying her life probrobly Since I got the e-mail, I can't help but wonder if things aren't all that great with her and the "new" guyMaybe its good and maybe it isn't but YOUR life is far more important ! (I say new, but they've known each other for about 12 years). Is she happy?Who cares? You are working on YOUR happiness now If so, why e-mail me? Well that was 3 weeks agoIf she's not happy, does she want me to reply and tell her how much I still miss her? She just enjoys messing with your headThese are just a few of the questions among the many that have been circling around in my head since receiving the e-mail. Which brings me to wonder how you are keeping your life filled and active and not sitting here wondering this after 3 weeksWho knows? Maybe she knew that by sending it, it would stir up a whole bunch of thoughts and emotions inside me,EXACTLY but it also makes you wonder how cruel she could be to start that emailing crap again thereby succeeding at her insidious task of hurting me more, And she did but you are getting wiser and stronger nowassuming it is her intentions to play mind games with me.Oh, it is her intention exactly But I just don't know. And I'll never know, especially if I never reply to her.Right !

 

As for your situation, I'm actually disappointed because it decreases my level of hope. I thought it was a case of you falling out of love with him, and then realizing in a year or so that you still had feelings for him and wanted him back.Of course you still seem to wish she would * wake up * but it is YOU that is waking up now right ? However, not only did you not lose your feelings for him, but the breakup was still so fresh. So I can see how your tactic would've worked in your situation. In my situation, however, she claims she fell out of love with me, and then immediately ended up with her "friend". So, based on both of our situations, it appears less likely that my ex will do what you did with your boyfriend.It seems you are correct again !

 

I agree with you when it comes to second chances. Second chances are based on many factors and the strongest question you can ask yourself is Do I want this person back ? And what would happen by sacrificing my new life and new direction to fullfill a fantasy of the past The only exception I see is that my ex may want to get back together with me not out of love, but out of familiarity.She may want you back but it does not matter what she wants at this point of your life But that's human nature. Not only is she familiar with me, but it would also be a source of comfort for her as well, since all I ever did was provide her with love and stability. I was stable...our relationship was stable...she wasn't.You were stable because you are NORMAL and healthy and she was not and you need someone who is LIKE you ! Someone who is mature and ready for a real relationship with a man like you ! Maybe instability is the only thing she knows. Maybe instability and much more in someone who is not emotionally matureMaybe she's so used to it, she actually seeks and thrives on it.She will seek someone like herself. Unstable and emotionally damaged far beyond repair Maybe she's now experiencing a ton of instability with her new guy.II would think its highly likely I sure hope so.You don't want to wish her more than she already is dealing with. She made her bed . Shes laying in it right now. Your wish is to find someone very much like you.

 

I'm sorry to hear that it may not work out with your guy. I've always heard about those long distance relationships, as there's rarely a success story.Personally speaking I do not think they work over a long period of time and LDRs are unfair to both The pain you're feeling is probably the same as what I'm feeling, since we never fell out of love with our exes.You will if you keep with your course of action so you can be AVAILABLE when the RIGHT girl comes along The only difference is the hurt and pain of rejection that I'm feeling because she kicked me to the curb and out of her life. Now you have learned not to wrap your entire world around someone especially if they are fickle and decide you are not for them anymore and your world does not crash around you when they dump youI'd be very surprised if she redevelops feelings for me.She might develop herpes too in the time you are not together but it matters not what she is doing or thinking or wishing for because she blew it And if she does, it might be at the end of this year, but no time soon. Never is a better timeThat's just what I feel. But I could be wrong.Please focus on having your own interests then when you meet the right girl you keep your own interests and she keeps her and you both have lives outside of the relationship as well. Critical ! Then it'll be a question of whether she takes action to pursue me if she truly wants me back. I hope you lose this notion of the what ifs and think about your life now and what YOU NEED and not what she needs anymore

 

 

 

You're right. I have no obligation to reply to her. ExactlyI don't owe her anything.Very Correct My only motivation for replying to her at this point is the simple fact that I don't want to appear as some inconsiderate jerk Inconsiderate Jerk ? Not !who doesn't even have the common courtesy or decency of a reply.You don't reply because SHE was even more inconsiderate to dump you in the first place My problem is that I'm too nice, You want to be a good man not necessarily always nice because women like a strong good confidant man and it's my niceness that wants me to reply. Its nice to help someone with packages but you don't have to be nice to someone who dumped youAnd she knows how receptive I've always been in responding. She plays you like a fiddleSo I can only imagine what she's been thinking since I haven't replied to her.She's likely thinking you got smart She's probably thinking to herself, 'Wow, I must have really hurt him bad'. Wow great observation

 

 

 

 

The only way to break out of 'nice guy' syndrome is to almost be counter-intuitive. Do the opposite of what you used to do. If you always did everything for her then stop it. If you always replied right away, stop it.Exactly

 

Take the time to figure out what YOU want and what is in your best interest. Ask yourself "What do I want?"Oh God lets hope he gets this !

 

You've waited three weeks which I feel is a bit long. She hasn't emailed you back so my only guess is she was fishing.She indeed was Don't reply to the email now. Just wait and see if she emails you again.Get on with your life and if you get another one delete it

__________________

 

 

 

 

 

 

Join Date: Jan 2006

Posts: 48 Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliGuy

The only way to break out of 'nice guy' syndrome is to almost be counter-intuitive. Do the opposite of what you used to do. If you always did everything for her then stop it. If you always replied right away, stop it.

 

 

That sounds good, but I assume you're referring to the way I should be dealing with only my ex, and not any future women, right? All women want to be treated good. Your dealings with your ex are for your benefit and you must lose this notion of something in the future with herI was never able to fathom why women find men who sh*t all over them to be more appealing than the guys who treat them the way they should be treated. Absolutely wrong information despite what you might readI'll never get that. Then again, that falls into the category of trying to understand women, so I'll just stop while I'm ahead. Haha.Why not keep reading here on LS and often and you will get a WEALTH of knowledge and understanding about women

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliGuy

Take the time to figure out what YOU want and what is in your best interest. Ask yourself "What do I want?"

 

 

That's easy. All I want is to love and be loved, Everyone wants love but unless you are 100% available and ready and OVER your ex you will fail at procuring love , a lasting love that you cannot give or recieve unless you are HEALED for it to be everlasting, Love may not last into the years with anyone. Be in the moment . Be in the present and appreciate it for however long it lasts. You may change one day and not love that other person anymore. There is no gaurantee of everlasting loveand never having to worry about being replaced one day.Everyone is replaceable . Just ask your Employer. As far as I'm concerned, there is no greener grass on the other side. I'm the greenest as they come. Your grass is nice and green freshly mowed and hopefully ready for someone to play on it

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliGuy

You've waited three weeks which I feel is a bit long. She hasn't emailed you back so my only guess is she was fishing. Don't reply to the email now. Just wait and see if she emails you again.

 

 

 

 

Women don't want men who crap all over them either. It's a very simple formula, really.

 

1. Be independent. (don't be clingy, don't need her. Want her, yes but don't NEED her)

2. Have a purpose. (a driving force)

3. Don't seek her approval. (nice guy syndrome)

4. Be easy going, fun, laid back.

5. Do NOT be clingy.

6. Be a bit of a challenge.

7. Don't be predicatable or boring. That said, don't be so unpredictable that you are weird. There is a fine line. (Predictable=boring)

8. Be happy.

9. Don't lay all your cards on the table. Leave her something to ponder about you.

10. Always be in control of yourself. Never let her see you sweat.

11. Be confident and self-assured. Healthy confidence and self-esteem will help drive the other 10 things. Without confidence and self-esteem none of the other things are possible

Absolutely the best advice above ! If you need to practice get a friend who will be honest with you in your behavior around women./U]

 

 

Then if you are confident you don't need to prove it to anyone. They will see it in the way you carry yourself.

 

 

 

 

__________________

----------------------

[Dinnj1]

IMO... the top ten list summed up = emotionally mature

[Shattered Heart]

Don't get caught up in the twisted, emotionally abusive 'email trap'.

 

Block him.

 

-Rio

 

I assume you mean, block "her"? Haha.

[Shattered Heart]

CaliGuy,

 

Your list sounds great in theory, but near impossible in practice. Not to mention, the list just proves and encourages mind games...maybe not on the other person as much as on yourself. I say this because that list is enough to put anyone on a major head trip, for how would you possibly know if you're following and abiding by each rule to a tee? How can you distinguish between too much or too little of a good thing? Where's the fine line and how would you know when you're crossing it? I think the list just makes a relationship more difficult than it has to and should be. That list MAY work on individuals whose partners might be second-guessing their love for the other partner. However, if a couple truly loves one another, and the love is UNCONDITIONAL, then that list can be thrown in the garbage, for each person will love the other for who they are, without a need for all the "relationship games". If games have to be played, then one could surmise that the love lacks strength, and was probably never unconditional to begin with. And if someone is not going to love you because you're not "adhering to the list", then it's pretty obvious they're not the right one for you anyway.

[Shattered Heart]

Mary3,

 

I see you're still not backing down with the tough love, huh? That's okay. I'm a man. I can take it. I have three words for you...BRING IT ON!!! I could use a healthy dose of it anyway. Thanks for taking the time to give it to me straight. You don't pull any punches, nor should you. I think I may be beginning to see the light, as I feel myself starting to grow indifferent towards her. I know I'm still healing, but everyone's advice and comments are slowly beginning to register. I know it's only a matter of time before I'm completely over her, but I also know it's something I'm eventually going to have to come to grips with on my own. But this site may help to speed along that process, with the posts of so many great people.

 

She just enjoys messing with your head

 

I know. But I still don't know why.

 

Which brings me to wonder how you are keeping your life filled and active and not sitting here wondering this after 3 weeks

 

Believe me, this time of year is so busy for me, I don't have time for a life. And the little time I do have, I'm posting my replies on here.

 

And she did but you are getting wiser and stronger now

 

I'd like to think I am.

 

Of course you still seem to wish she would * wake up * but it is YOU that is waking up now right ?

 

I wish that were true. I'm trying though.

 

Second chances are based on many factors and the strongest question you can ask yourself is Do I want this person back ? And what would happen by sacrificing my new life and new direction to fullfill a fantasy of the past

 

That's the question that's been haunting me for awhile now. The answer is not concrete and may change with time. All I know is that I still don't have my closure.

 

Maybe instability and much more in someone who is not emotionally mature. She will seek someone like herself. Unstable and emotionally damaged far beyond repair

 

Boy, you just said a mouthful about her.

 

You don't want to wish her more than she already is dealing with.

 

Why the heck not? After everything she's put me through, I have to be the one who's careful as to not wish her pain and misery? Yes, there's the element of feeling sorry for her, but that can only go so far. Like you said, you don't have to be nice to someone who dumps you. And believe me, my thoughts are not so nice, and rightly so.

 

You will if you keep with your course of action so you can be AVAILABLE when the RIGHT girl comes along

 

That's the problem. I'm looking for it, and it's not happening. But it's probably for the best because I'm getting used to being single, and I had almost forgotten how great it felt to be single and not have the worry of WHEN I will get dumped. At this point, if I had the choice of being single where I know there's absolutely no chance of getting hurt, or to be madly in love only to experience the pain all over again, I'd have to choose the single life.

 

Now you have learned not to wrap your entire world around someone especially if they are fickle and decide you are not for them anymore and your world does not crash around you when they dump you

 

You know, everybody keeps telling me this was a learning experience. Let me give you my take on a "learning experience". A person robs a bank, gets sentenced to a prison term, does the time, realizes how horrible prison is, gets out, and makes damn sure he/she never robs a bank again. That's a true learning experience, since the person brought it upon himself/herself by robbing the bank in the first place. As for me and my ex, if I knew what the end result of our relationship was going to be, I never would have subjected myself to her. That was definitely not an experience that I needed to learn. I didn't deserve to "learn" anything.

 

She might develop herpes too in the time you are not together but it matters not what she is doing or thinking or wishing for because she blew it

 

LOL. That was good.

 

I hope you lose this notion of the what ifs and think about your life now and what YOU NEED and not what she needs anymore

 

Believe me, if I had a choice, I'd be over her. But it's just not that easy.

 

You want to be a good man not necessarily always nice because women like a strong good confidant man

 

So they like a strong good confident man who's not always nice to them? Is that what you're saying?

 

Wow great observation

 

Do I sense sarcasm?

 

All women want to be treated good.

 

Okay. And I did just that with her. So where did I go wrong, other than the fact that I couldn't offer her the world on a silver platter? And even then she'd probably be unappreciative.

 

Absolutely wrong information despite what you might read

 

Well, then enlighten me.

 

Everyone wants love but unless you are 100% available and ready and OVER your ex you will fail at procuring love , a lasting love that you cannot give or recieve unless you are HEALED

 

That much I know, and it scares me too, for I may never be over her, thereby never experiencing true love.

 

Love may not last into the years with anyone. Be in the moment . Be in the present and appreciate it for however long it lasts. You may change one day and not love that other person anymore. There is no gaurantee of everlasting love

 

How discouraging. No wonder most people are single.

 

Everyone is replaceable . Just ask your Employer.

 

I am my own employer, as I am self-employed. So if I ask myself, I can say that, yes, I have been replaced.

 

Your grass is nice and green freshly mowed and hopefully ready for someone to play on it

 

Nicely put.

[Mary3]

1. Be independent. (don't be clingy, don't need her. Want her, yes but don't NEED her) Being needy and whiney are truly unattractive traits in adults Shattered Heart. We resort to this as infants and toddlers and its to insure we are taken care of but as we become adults we cannot be clingy and needy because its an attraction killer. You don't ever want to * need * someone because that reinforces that you lack something that you * need* . Rather you want someone in your life to already enhance your full life.

2. Have a purpose. (a driving force) This is also critical Shattered Heart because if your only interest is in the person you are involved with and you have no other interests and then something happens to your relationship well....you end up sharing your devastation here . Plus that person finds you are more interesting that you have substance and your own life

3. Don't seek her approval. (nice guy syndrome) Someone who seeks approval is asking permission to behave in a certain way and will go overboard trying to have the approval they lack thus showing once again they have to be overly nice and that is just boring after awhile. Being strong and assertive is far more empowering than catering to the needs of someone until they grow bored with you because you are NO challenge.

4. Be easy going, fun, laid back. This is important as it shows you enjoy your own life and are not overly serious and stressing about what you lack in the love department. Women can smell the desperation off a man when he is too serious and rigid

 

 

 

 

Your list sounds great in theory, but near impossible in practice.Well it is solid based advice but if you have always been too nice and too well behaved you saw where that got you with women. Not to mention, the list just proves and encourages mind games...maybe not on the other person as much as on yourself.Its not a game , its a way of changing stale behavior patterns that make you too boring and predictable I say this because that list is enough to put anyone on a major head trip, for how would you possibly know if you're following and abiding by each rule to a tee? You know because you make changes slowly until you fully understand How can you distinguish between too much or too little of a good thing? Too much is suffocating and too little is apathetic behaviorWhere's the fine line and how would you know when you're crossing it?You follow a game plan similar as above and her reactions tell you everything. I think the list just makes a relationship more difficult than it has to and should be. Relationships are work . With savvy skill and knowledge you can make it the best one That list MAY work on individuals whose partners might be second-guessing their love for the other partner. However, if a couple truly loves one another, and the love is UNCONDITIONAL, There is no such thing as unconditional love. then that list can be thrown in the garbage, for each person will love the other for who they are,No actually its not enough to just be a wonderful person. Not everyone will appreciate that without something added to the equation. without a need for all the "relationship games". If games have to be played, then one could surmise that the love lacks strength,love is just a part. and was probably never unconditional to begin with. And if someone is not going to love you because you're not "adhering to the list", then it's pretty obvious they're not the right one for you anyway.It goes much deeper than just being a great person to attract the right person. You have to have a knack for great boyfriend material and knowing when to act accordingly with positive results

[CaliGuy]

Great reply, Mary

[CaliGuy]

CaliGuy,

 

Your list sounds great in theory, but near impossible in practice. Not to mention, the list just proves and encourages mind games...maybe not on the other person as much as on yourself. I say this because that list is enough to put anyone on a major head trip, for how would you possibly know if you're following and abiding by each rule to a tee? How can you distinguish between too much or too little of a good thing? Where's the fine line and how would you know when you're crossing it? I think the list just makes a relationship more difficult than it has to and should be. That list MAY work on individuals whose partners might be second-guessing their love for the other partner. However, if a couple truly loves one another, and the love is UNCONDITIONAL, then that list can be thrown in the garbage, for each person will love the other for who they are, without a need for all the "relationship games". If games have to be played, then one could surmise that the love lacks strength, and was probably never unconditional to begin with. And if someone is not going to love you because you're not "adhering to the list", then it's pretty obvious they're not the right one for you anyway.

 

So many things wrong with this post, but I see Mary addressed them pretty much spot on.

 

What I posted wasn't a game. It was all the qualities of a man that is attractive to a woman. If you have most (if not all) of those qualities, you will be VERY attractive to good woman.

 

Also, as you grow and change, so might your taste in women. When you become most of what is on this list, you might find you are not attracted to the kind of women you used to be attracted to.

[Shattered Heart]

Being needy and whiney are truly unattractive traits in adults Shattered Heart. We resort to this as infants and toddlers and its to insure we are taken care of but as we become adults we cannot be clingy and needy because its an attraction killer. You don't ever want to * need * someone because that reinforces that you lack something that you * need* . Rather you want someone in your life to already enhance your full life.

 

That makes sense, but it's okay to "need" someone on some level. It's when one becomes obsessively needy where it becomes an issue.

 

if your only interest is in the person you are involved with and you have no other interests and then something happens to your relationship well....you end up sharing your devastation here .

 

So you're basically saying that everyone who enters this site had no other interests besides their exes? That their exes were their only interest in life, for why else would they be devasted enough to enter this site and post messages? Wouldn't you agree that there are different levels of devastation, as everybody's rejection sensitivity is different, and that no two people experience the same level of pain given the same breakup? Not only that, but you have to take into consideration the extent of each person's love for the other person.

 

Someone who seeks approval is asking permission to behave in a certain way and will go overboard trying to have the approval they lack thus showing once again they have to be overly nice and that is just boring after awhile. Being strong and assertive is far more empowering than catering to the needs of someone until they grow bored with you because you are NO challenge.

 

Again, this makes sense, but everyone's situation is unique. For example, I never tried to seek my ex's approval. I was confident enough to know that she loved me no matter what I did for her (well, at least that's what I thought, since I later found out after the breakup just how materialistic she really is, and that I apparently couldn't give her enough). And the nice things I did for her wasn't some devious or desperate attempt to try to "keep her". I did things for her because I truly loved her and cared for her. And don't get me wrong. I don't live a lavish lifestyle where I could afford to constantly buy her things (not that I would anyway). Truth of the matter is that I lead a very modest lifestyle, and when I say I did things for her, it wasn't any more than the next guy would do for his girlfriend. I am a nice guy, and it's just my nature to be nice and do nice things. Shoot me for being so nice and allowing my ex to become bored with me because I'm no longer a "challenge". It seems I can't win for losing.

 

if you have always been too nice and too well behaved you saw where that got you with women.

 

Well, for me, "women" doesn't apply. More like "woman". And what things would you suggest I do to remedy my niceness and being well behaved? You have to realize that not every guy is capable of being a jerk to women, and I'm one of those guys. So I guess that's going to get me nowhere fast.

 

Its not a game , its a way of changing stale behavior patterns that make you too boring and predictable

 

Okay, but I think it all comes down to each woman and how they perceive things. For example, my younger sister is so happily in love with the guy she's been with for almost four years. After my ex broke up with me, I did a comparison between my sister's boyfriend and myself. I asked myself, 'what is it that he does or doesn't do that makes my sister so happy?' I then applied that same question to myself regarding my ex, and there's really no difference between me and him, except the fact that when he and my sister are together, they like to lounge around the house and watch TV. I asked my sister why she was so happy with him, even though they don't really do much "fun stuff" together. She told me that when you truly love someone, it's enough to just want to be with them, regardless of what you do together. That said, she also told me not to worry about losing my ex because she saw how great of a boyfriend I was, and also said that it wasn't me, that it was definitely her. And it's not only my sister who has said this. Everyone in my family, as well as everybody who knew me and my ex also said that it wasn't me, it was her. So, that gives me some relief, as I have enough self-esteem to say that I honestly was a great boyfriend. So, it may not be a question of being too boring and predictable, as much as it is each individual woman's makeup and what makes them happy.

 

You follow a game plan similar as above and her reactions tell you everything.

 

Isn't it enough to just be yourself and rely on open communication and honesty? If you have two people who are open books, why would there be a need to rely on her reactions to tell you everything? Wouldn't you encourage openness instead of reading and interpreting her subtle body language?

 

Relationships are work . With savvy skill and knowledge you can make it the best one

 

Okay, they ARE, but do they really HAVE to be? And I don't care how much savvy skill and knowledge a guy may possess, as there's no guarantee that a woman is not going to fall out of love with you. If it's going to happen, it doesn't matter if you're new to relationships or you're a seasoned veteran. It's more of an individual thing.

 

There is no such thing as unconditional love.

 

WHOA! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? That's an extremely bold statement. So all this time, everybody in this world has been grossly misled to think that there exists this thing called unconditional love? So it's fair to say that love can exist, but only on the condition of x, y, and z? In other words, I'll love you, but only if you "do" or "don't do" this, that, and the other thing? Is that what you're saying? Please elaborate, as I'm VERY curious as to your position on this.

 

No actually its not enough to just be a wonderful person. Not everyone will appreciate that without something added to the equation.

 

So, on some level, EVERYBODY is "materialistic"?

 

It goes much deeper than just being a great person to attract the right person. You have to have a knack for great boyfriend material and knowing when to act accordingly with positive results

 

I KNOW I have a knack for being a great boyfriend. I'm just not sure what you mean when you say knowing when to act accordingly with positive results. Please give me some examples.

[Shattered Heart]

So many things wrong with this post, but I see Mary addressed them pretty much spot on.

 

What I posted wasn't a game. It was all the qualities of a man that is attractive to a woman. If you have most (if not all) of those qualities, you will be VERY attractive to good woman.

 

Also, as you grow and change, so might your taste in women. When you become most of what is on this list, you might find you are not attracted to the kind of women you used to be attracted to.

 

Actually, Mary didn't necessarily say there were things wrong with my post. She merely gave me her view on things. But if you feel my post deserves a beating, by all means let me have it. Pinpoint exactly what you disagree with. I'm not infallible. I make mistakes and I admit to them. And when I'm wrong, I want to know why. So prove to me why I'm wrong.

 

I never said your list was a "game" per se. It's just something that even God Himself would have a hard time not only adhering to, but also understanding the boudaries relating to each rule. It just seems like a near impossibility, that's all I'm saying.

 

As for my attraction to women and the type of woman I'm attracted to, I do set my standards high, but when I do eventually fall in love, I'm very easy to please. I could've seen myself marrying my ex. However, now I can't, for I do know that I'm not attracted to anyone who is going to eventually reject me and cause me a world of pain.

[CaliGuy]

I never said your list was a "game" per se. It's just something that even God Himself would have a hard time not only adhering to, but also understanding the boudaries relating to each rule. It just seems like a near impossibility, that's all I'm saying.

 

It's not impossible. As I mentioned before, if you are confident and self-assured, you will naturally graviate towards those characteristics. I am firmly convinced that all good and bad characteristics of people stem from a healthy amount of or lack of confidence.

 

As for my attraction to women and the type of woman I'm attracted to, I do set my standards high, but when I do eventually fall in love, I'm very easy to please. I could've seen myself marrying my ex. However, now I can't, for I do know that I'm not attracted to anyone who is going to eventually reject me and cause me a world of pain.

 

When you have a high level of self-confidence you start to view the world differently. As such, your taste will change. I'm not saying you won't still have high standards, but I do believe you will scrutinize the women you do select better and as such, you may find yourself with someone you never expected.

 

Good luck!

[chocolate_boy]

That list MAY work on individuals whose partners might be second-guessing their love for the other partner. However, if a couple truly loves one another, and the love is UNCONDITIONAL, then that list can be thrown in the garbage, for each person will love the other for who they are, without a need for all the "relationship games". If games have to be played, then one could surmise that the love lacks strength, and was probably never unconditional to begin with. And if someone is not going to love you because you're not "adhering to the list", then it's pretty obvious they're not the right one for you anyway.

 

It could also be said that if you did have this perfect unconditional love for each other, you wouldn't need a list, as you'd STILL BE TOGETHER.

 

I don't believe unconditional love exists other than families and blood relatives, possibly when you're old and been with someone for decades.. But not in 99.99% of un-maritial relationships, which is why most of them end.

[chocolate_boy]

WHOA! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? That's an extremely bold statement. So all this time, everybody in this world has been grossly misled to think that there exists this thing called unconditional love? So it's fair to say that love can exist, but only on the condition of x, y, and z? In other words, I'll love you, but only if you "do" or "don't do" this, that, and the other thing? Is that what you're saying? Please elaborate, as I'm VERY curious as to your position on this.

 

OK... Try sleeping with her sister, stealing everything out of her bank account, get into her email and send a nude pic of her to everyone in her address book, trash her apartment, and leave a note calling her a "Poopy head"... still think she'd love you?

 

Relationship love is VERY conitional.

[riobikini]

Look, -about the concept of unconditional love- I love my children, unconditionally.

 

That means, no matter what they do, no matter what they say, no matter what they become...-no matter what- I love them.

 

Now, the only condition that could ever be considered in that, is what happens when I am no longer breathing...because, frankly, despite what I have been able to learn about what might happen after death, I am still unsure.

 

But I am sure that I'll love them unconditionally until that happens.

 

Unconditional love does exist.

 

-Rio

[Shattered Heart]

Okay, everyone who has posted on this thread must be an expert because..........

 

I JUST GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM THE EX!!!!!!!!!!

 

You guys called it! This is now the second e-mail I've gotten from her in just under four weeks. As of this time, I still haven't replied to her first e-mail, and I don't intend to. As for this new e-mail I received this morning, I haven't opened it up yet. In the first e-mail she sent me over three weeks ago, the subject read "hi there". This time, the subject reads "news". Now I'm back in the same boat as I was when I received the first e-mail, although I'm more tame this time. Now I'm just wondering if she's just trying to entice me to actually reply to her by telling me some kind of "news". What "news" can she possibly tell me that is going to erase all the excruciating pain of the past five months? I am a major skeptic, and I hardly believe that what she's included in the e-mail is anything that I'm going to care about OR make me feel better about myself. And I doubt her "news" is that she finally realized she's made a huge mistake and wants to get back together. Unless she's about to tell me that life in California is not what it's all cracked up to be, she's miserable with her new guy, and now wants to move back home. I highly doubt that but, at this point, I just don't know! I know a lot of you would tell me to just ignore or delete the e-mail, but what if it IS actual noteworthy news? I just know I'm going to open the e-mail eventually, even if it may hurt me. But I doubt she would be that cruel to keep up her shenanigans. How long should I wait to open it, and WHY do you think she's e-mailing me AGAIN???

[francis]

don't agonise over second guessing the contents...

 

first of all, calm down and lower your expectations

 

just read it and evaluate the situation from there

 

she's not blanket bombing you with various forms of contact

 

my current ex thinks its neccessary for him to update me on the fact that he has now started to watch the second series of the OC, if i stop emailing him for one week

 

she may just wanna tell you she's been dumped and is looking for some comfort from an easy target = you.

 

if she wants you back, she will TELL YOU

[CaliGuy]

if she wants you back, she will TELL YOU

 

Exactly. They'd step over their own mother to do so.

 

When an ex is in contact with you, I hope you all remember something.

 

"Be the prize."

"Be the Sun, not a planet."

 

Don't be the pursuer.