over a month of no contact...ex just e-mailed me...WHAT DO I DO?!?!

April 7, 2006

whoa! Mary3 and Caliguy are giving some tough love!

Yes, and I wholeheartedly appreciate them for that.

I've been following this thread for advice and there are many good ones.

A testament to all the great people in this forum.

ShatteredHeart:
From what I see, you still have to have a level head. You seem like you are in the anger stage. Sometimes you just have to step back and regain your composure.

The anger stage? Gee, what makes you think that? Haha. I was told that I would eventually get to this point, and it is now upon me. I hear that it's much easier to move on with your life after this stage. However, with all these e-mail setbacks, it's that much more difficult to move on.

Why all the freaking drama ?

Well, breakups ARE drama. They are the center of all the drama. In fact, this whole forum is drama-based. If opening up her e-mail wasn't a problem for me, you would think that she doesn't have an effect on me anymore, but she does. As much as I'd like some comic relief, I know I'm not going to find it in this forum. So, for now, I guess I'll just have to settle for drama until I get over her and on with my life again.

Is her sister important to you? Did she call you to check you were ok when you split with her sis? Does she invite you to events and play a part in your life?

If the answer is no then why would it be important to say congrats? I understand where you are coming from in wanting to hurt your ex back and although you wont see the result, you ignoring her email is the best way to get her upset if that is the result you want.

By replying to her or her sis in ANY way is giving her back the power position that you now hold. Trust me on this I have been there and to be in the driving seat is what will give you strength. As soon as you hit 'send' on a reply email you will lose all of that power, no matter what your return mail says. It feels awful, trust me!

Delete it and ignore it. It doesnt matter of her sis has quadruplets it makes no difference to your life. She is stirring you up for her ego. Dont let her!

BE STRONG! You can do it!

I know what you're saying but, at the same time, I also feel that two wrongs don't make a right. And that by not having the decency to reply to her, makes me look like the bad guy. I mean, here she is, telling me this wonderful news, and I can't respond? As much as it doesn't make sense, you guys are the experts and you know what's best. And if not replying is the best thing for ME, then I won't reply. But it kills me not to, because I'm not that type of person. And I hope they know that.

April 7, 2006

How is it possible (at this stage of the game) to be confident and self-assured? I would not focus as much on the confidence as I would the self repair of your heart right now. The confidence will come as you heal along. I mean, this breakup has really done a number on me. You should know shattered heart that I was in your emotional state 2 years ago and totally devastated and asking ALL the questions you ask. My heart goes out to you in hopes of helping you to get through this. My ego, self-esteem, self-assuredness, and confidence level has really taken a major blow,Absolutely, but they are all YOURS , your ego , your self esteem and so forth. they are NOT owned by anyone so therefore she cannot have them. They are yours. A bit bruised and battered but your EGO is your survival. Trust me it will come back full force . I see your ego coming back NOW as you say what the He** did I let her DO to me ? and they are all still suffering. All of this because of ONE woman. Yes ONE woman. One heartless shallow woman . Not to say that there aren't more of them out there because well there are. Just as I have encountered more selfish men who just want pus** and not much more. But on the other hand I never give up hope that someone wants more than that from me. It's as if by breaking up with me, she's sucked all the great qualities or characteristics out of me.She did not suck them out. They are inside of you. Don't let her take from you the very things that make you a Man. And I try not to let it affect me, but it's like telling someone not to visualize a pink elephant. No-one can tell you here how many days or weeks its going to take , that matter months or years. Its going to be when you post here and say WOW I learned something NEW today about ME ! And then one day when you are very strong again and find the RIGHT girl who wont try to suck the cookies out of you, it will be a great learning experience [/u

Well, I'll tell you one thing. Right now, I DON'T have a high level of self-confidence, yet I AM viewing the world differently, especially the female race. And yes, I am scrutinizing women a lot differently, but it's probably not the same (positive)You MUST do exactly what you are doing. Its your MIND making you stronger . less naive . more OPEN eyes to every little nuance about women. ITs not evil to think of us this hurtful way. ITs for YOU. Your Mind is working Harder ! way as what you're referring to. This breakup has left a really bitter taste in my mouth. Ah Yes bitter....but you know one day you need to get the bitters out because women dont like kissing the bitter taste of your last relationshipNot only regarding my ex, but the rest of the female population as well.There really are women who dont want to devour you and crush your heart I hate to think that every woman is like my ex, but my perception is thrown way off balance.No keep that healthy guise because it will balance out eventually to something that makes more sense But hey, can you blame me? I just hope that my view towards women will become less negative It will if you LEARN and learn some more before you get into another...as time goes by. I sincerely HATE what my ex has done to me (the person)!Hate her ! Thats right ! She hurt you. Feel the anger. Then forgive her and let it go ! I know that will take another letter but VITAL for your healing to say " Misty , I forgive you " ( insert name ) say it out loud. Not today , not until you are ready. Its amazing like an elephant has been lifted off your chest

So, in other words, don't allow yourself to revolve your life around your ex, but instead make her revolve around you? I guess this all comes down to control, correct?No. You both have your own lives as well and balance eachother . THis is not a tank of sharks where one feeds off the other. If you have sharks somebody is going to get eaten alive. Think of it more as a school of fish[/

Boy, you must really know her by now. I'm glad you're basing your postings on a more fuller understanding of the type of person she really is. As for her being shallow, the night we decided to take a break, we laid all our cards on the table. So, many things were said. I let her know one of the things that was bothering me, and she responded with "do you really think I'm that shallow?".Um , yeah well if you are leaving me for a richer guy in cali , then well YEAH you are being very shallow. hello ? So, even then I must've known on some level just how shallow she was. All I know is that with her new relationship, she GOT California and all of the surrounding luxuries. Basically, something I couldn't offer her back east. Bottom line, you can run away to another place, but you can't run away from yourself!

I really don't think so. It was actually a relief to find out that her second e-mail only pertained to her sister. How do you think I would feel, knowing that the guy she dumps me for, she ends up MARRYING?Ouch that hurts, alot ! It's one thing losing an ex to someone else, and the both of them eventually end up breaking up. At least you get to have SOME satisfaction knowing that your ex is experiencing the same pain she once put you through. However, it's a COMPLETELY different story, knowing that your ex dumps you and marries the next guy. It's bad enough she tore my heart out of my chest and made me feel worthless.YOu will discover your worth and NEVER let anyone make you feel worthless again ! Your lesson of the day. Marrying her new guy would be the biggest slap in my face. The only positive spin I could put on that would be that I laid down the foundation for her new "happiness". Laid down the foundation for her happiness ? Ack ! Who cares about her happiness ! ?I say this because I know for a fact that she was the happiest with me,thats nice but she is not with you anymore. more than any of her 20 or so previous boyfriends. So it would be a nice transition for her to go from me to him, since she had already established a sense of happiness with me. At least that's the way I would like to view it if she ends up marrying HIM. Okay if you want to view it that way to make it easier.As for closure, I don't think I'll ever get that.You will when you dont wake up hurting anymore and are anxious to start your NEW life.

Are you referring to a guy's rational thinking regarding women? And my ex was exactly the way as you described in the scenario. She even went as far as to change herself into someone whom she thought I would love and be happy with. I didn't realize this until the end, which was too late.She wanted to make you happy. She danced around you. It was as if I fell in love with a false representation of herself. She rarely disagreed or said "no", deadly to a relationshipand made sure that I was always pleased with her and that she made me happy.Thats nice but she didnt know HERSELF to be HERSELF so she became you and wanted to please YOU and not find a healthy balance for both of you I guess she figured that I wouldn't love the "real" her, so she wore another face, She was dysfunctional and thats what DYS people do one that ensured my love for her. I guess after a while it was too much for her to bear. And I never asked for any of that either. But I hear she does that with all guys.Yes and she is doing it right now with the cali guy[/u

At this point, what does it matter?

At what point? He is referring to answering a letter after your ex dumped you 5 months ago

So, by me not responding to either of my ex's e-mails, will she get the sense that she's not important to me anymore? I just wish I knew what is going through her head with the lack of my replies. Your real thought should be " I wish I knew what hobby or sport I will join this weekend " Instead of wondering about what thoughts are going through her mind about you. Do you really think she is pondering and querying about how you are doing ?

Well, I'm not saying that my relationship with my ex was unconditional. My love for her was unconditional but, Not really ,unfortunately for me, it was a one-way street. She always accused me of not loving her unconditionally. However, after careful consideration and lots of reflecting since the breakup, I've come to realize that her accusations were merely her own insecurities getting the better of her, Exactlyas SHE was the one whose love for me was CONDITIONAL.Right-O again In other words, it was a reflection of her own thoughts.

Okay, I understand where you're coming from, but I think we should look at this from another angle. Instead of unconditional "love" (which CAN exist), we should really be calling it unconditional "in love" (which may never exist).Being in love exists in the honeymoon stage then the bonding love begins which is longer lasting For example, the love that we have for our family is a much different type of love we would have for our romantic partner. Being "in love", and REMAINING "in love" is an ongoing journey that is constantly being tested and is a more fickle and delicate kind of love than that of a family member. It's the "in love" part of love that has so many conditions placed on it, and can easily die if those conditions are not met. Feeling Euphoric and Blissfull only lasts about 3 months and then the truth or dare stuff comes out that will see the relationship through or see it end. That's probably where CaliGuy's list would come in handy for keeping the "in love" alive and thriving. Much more work has to be put into maintaining "in love" than "love". Actually the stable love will be longer and more work You hear of so many breakups where the dumper claims that they "fell out of love" but still "loves" their partner (which was case with me and my ex). They are no longer enamoured with you at this point. Perhaps this is because there is more than one type of love...one that requires more attention and devotion, and one that safely lies deep within us that is incapable of being scathed. That's the best way my mind can interpret the distinction, and I hope it makes sense

LOL. Okay, now that's a bit extreme, but you made your point nonetheless. And I know she'd still love me if I called her a poopyhead, since that was one of our nicknames for each other. It's funny you should mention that name though. Yea and my bf called me fuzzy and I still think of peaches today...

Yeah right, like that would ever happen. If she got dumped, I highly doubt she would come to me for support or comfort, nevermind INFORMING me about it.She might out of spitefullness. She may have too much pride when it comes to that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by francis

if her mind was on getting back together with you, or even on your feelings at all, she would be saying things like 'how are you doing', 'have been thinking a lot about you lately', 'was wondering if we could meet up', 'i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about us'... blah blah blah

Well, her first e-mail was directed more towards me, in that she said, 'i hope all is going well'. Another way of saying : I dumped you and wonder if you have committed Hari Kari yet "Granted, it wasn't, 'how are you doing', but it's close enough.

April 7, 2006

I agree with the other posters who say that this thread is a fascinating saga. It has an ongoing element of suspense that is irresistable. To the one poster who asked about why all the drama- break ups are the heart and soul of all great drama in history. Or I should say conflict is, but what is more heartwrenching conflict than two people loving each other and then one loses interest while the other one agonizes at the rack. I am an aspiring novelist and I think SH's posting has given me a concept for a book- to write a novel entirely in the format of an electronic forum thread.

As far as reponding SH, I say there is no harm in it if you want to be amiable but I would also warn against expecting anything more than being internet penpals. I broke no contact recently with false hopes and got severely burned.

BACKGROUND; I had been peripheral friends with my sister's best friend for a couple of years. My ex GF was married when we first met and I would sometimes hang out with her and my sister. There was a slight attraction between us, but she was married to some pretty boy from Argentina and so I knew there was no chance and I never tried anything. Then last spring her marriage came crashing down, because of some office affair that she had with a co-worker she nicknamed GIB (good in bed) and also taking a page from Sex in the City she sometimes called Mr. Big- for obvious reasons. Her husband found out and being the conservative Latin guy he was he immediately left. No skin off his back, he had affairs while they were married and he has unlimited opportunities with women. Then the guy she was having an affair with broke it off, because he was feeling guilty about cheating on his wife. She was left alone. She was devastated. She was vunerable. She turned to me. Obviously I should of known better, but she was so passionate in her language and actions. I was the rebound from two physically formidable men, but I wanted to really believe she loved me for all the right reasons. She said it was wonderful being in a relationship with someone who understood her and that not only was she in love with me, but that I was her best friend. And I let myself believe it.

Fast forward eight or nine months. My sister gets me a temp job at the office where they both work. It comes to my attention that it was getting around that she was stalking Mr. Big at the office and that she would go into his car almost every day and well, I'll just say "do things".

I confront her and she doesn't deny it. I break up. She cries and begs me to give it another chance. I do, because I am a classic cuckold. Right after the holidays, and I mean Jan 2 2006 Mr. Big packs his bags and moves in to her house. He said he needed to stay with his family through the holidays, but that she was what he really wanted. All this happens at the place where I worked. And once he gave in she made no secret of it, but would lavish him with affection right there at the office, right in front of my eyes! Get this- she had the nerve to tell me that she was still in love with me, but she just couldn't help herself. I swear when I would see her look at him it was like she would start to soak.

Well, I quite my job there and started waiting tables again. Six weeks of NC. And a hole in my chest.

Then all of a sudden like twenty text messages and voice messages in less than two weeks. I held out for a while thinking I was somehow gaining hand. I knew she would miss me I thought, how long can explosive sex with some gorilla satisy her compared to the "special connection" we had, I knew she would eventually see -start feeling the need for something real.

So I finally respond. We agree to meet at an Indian restaurant the next day and I blow her off for good measure. She leaves a nasty voice mail berating me, I don't respond , but then when she was on the phone with my sister (were roomates) she asks to talk to me. She says she misses me terribly and says she is unhappy and I am her best friend, oh how can I ignore her like I do. I remind her of why, she gets all weepy voice and I agree to meet her at a local grill pub for some pints.

We meet. We drink. Perhaps too much. She goes on and on about how unhappy she is, that she can't stand him as a person ,that he doesn't understand her like I did, that he has no sense of humour and that he only knows computers and it's like he's never opened a book in his life, and that he was starting to look ugly to her, blah, blah, blah but that she still is addicted to the sex. I make a joke about it being like the episode of Seinfeld where Jerry's two different types of heads play chess with one another and she starts to laugh and kisses me on the cheek and then I just lose it. I don't raise my voice, but I am vicious and to the point. I tell her that she is a whore like her mother was (she left her marriage for a 17 year old and commited suicide when he got tired of her), that she is selfish and superficial and that she has no idea how trivial she treats other people's emotions, that it will catch up to her and she will never be satisfied and will end up a suicide. She starts to respond, but I tell her to shut up, to shut her god-d****d mouth, and to go get f****d since satiating her slut's desires are the only thing she cares about anyway. She sits there stunned and starts to cry. I tell her her tears disgust me, and as I start to indifferently light a cigarette she takes it out of my hand and starts to make out with me. Right there at the bar, which is something she never ever does, she says pda is so provincial. We make out for like 30 minutes and then leave.

She called me on my way home and told me she loved me. That night she called again before she went to bed and told me she was still in love with me. Then I suspect she proceeded to get gored into ecstacy by her stud while I watched Law and Order alone in the dark.

In the last two weeks we agreed to meet twice and she's blown me off both times. Surprise, surprise.

The last phone call we had (I called her) she said she loves me like a brother. WTF? She said she drank too much at the bar and seeing my "adorable" smirk made her nostalgic. And the thing that really hurt is she said our relationship was never going anywhere anyway and what a relief it was to be friends again. She then made an excuse to get off the phone, promising to call back later. Do you think she did?

I hope mine is a cautionary tale about getting your hopes up breaking no contact. Life is what it is. People are selfish. I am selfish if I am honest with myself. If I was dating a homely woman who treated me like gold and then the wh*r* made an honest and agressive effort to regain my affections, I think I would give in. Try and think about what it is that her new bf gives her that gratifies her senses. If it isn't sex then you know it has to be something else. People are slefish. It is the human condition.

April 7, 2006

Wow that was great ! And so hopefully Shattered Heart will see that his wishing and hoping are for the ashed ruins of a burned down house and he needs to clear the property and start laying a new foundation !

April 8, 2006

It would be really hard to tell whether your definition of being needy and hers differs from a common need to be with that person as opposed to needing her for your own validation

Well, if anyone needed the other for validation, it would be her needing me. As I mentioned in one of my other threads, my ex was the type where she would focus all her energies on the relationship and, in doing so, would lose sight of herself. When we were a couple, she never did anything for herself. She didn't really have any interests, but was very receptive to whatever I felt like doing. So, bascially, she found her own happiness THROUGH me. It wasn't brought on by me. It's just the type of person she is. So, perhaps she NEEDED me for her own happiness. And as for me being needy, the only thing I ever NEEDED was for her not to break up with me and rule me out of her life completely.

There are those here who have equal balance in their lives and there are those here who's whole lives revolve totally around another person who is no longer in their lives and are trying to decipher what emails mean and the like

So now you're saying I'm the only fool on here who's in the second class of people? I wish I had an equal balance in my life. However, when somebody as important as she was to me disappears from my life, of course my life's balance is going to be thrown out of whack. She was a major part of my life, and if I appear like my life is not currently balanced, I believe they refer to that as the grieving process. The only difference is that she is not dead. However, when I receive e-mails from her, it's almost as if the ghost of her is haunting me. That's exactly the way I felt when I saw that she e-mailed me the first e-mail. It was as if I had seen a ghost. And I say that from a physiological standpoint as well.

Some needed extra help in learning that they must value THEMSELVES first before they can value a good relationship

It's hard to value yourself when you've become rejected.

Absolutely, I suffered devastation but after that occured I make sure that I don't go in with blinders on and don't wrap my entire world around that person only for them to decide they want something else. Always leave a part of your heart for yourself , lest somone tries to remove the rest of it by breaking up with you

That's probably why most relationships fail, since not many people are willing to give their whole heart to the other person, for fear they'll end up in the same miserable boat again. However, if you're holding back part of your heart, how can one experience a deep and powerful love? It's kind of sad if you think about it, since one will never know when "their time is up", but I suppose it's a defense mechanism aimed at preventing yet another devastating heartbreak. And until you've experienced your first heartbreak, you will give your whole heart, as I have done. And I have a big heart, which makes the hurt all the more painful.

Rejection makes us stronger and helps us reevaluate ourselves and that other person so we can go on to make better choices in the future

I sincerely hope I become stronger from this. If anything, I'll be more wise and possess this newfound knowledge going into the next relationship, which should help my chances of succeeding as a desirable partner. But I have a long way to go for that to happen. For now, I'm just soaking in all this great advice and wisdom.

Exactly. The dumper will not feel the pain in the same degree as the dumpee

Actually, you misinterpreted what I was saying. When I said that no two people experience the same level of pain given the same breakup, I wasn't talking about the two people who make up the relationship. I was talking specifically about dumpees, and that no two dumpees will experience the exact same level of pain, given their own relationships and breakups were the same. For example, if my ex dates her new guy for the same amount of time as she dated me, and then breaks up with him for another guy, he may not be going through the same pain as I'm going through. Even though we experienced the same breakup with the same person, our pain levels may be different, only because we are two different people.

So she had financial needs that you could not meet. THere are women who have emotional needs , financial needs and other needs. If you don't meet those needs then she searches for someone who can.

According to her, money wasn't an issue. Yet when I became upset about a "joke" she had made about my finances, she asked how I thought she could be that shallow. Bottom line is that she has many needs, and those needs keep changing, as do the men in her life. She will never be fulfilled or content.

I would say to have even balance in all things. That way you wont feel you * overgave * . Don't give for the paybacks. Give because you enjoy giving. But dont overgive to where you are becoming the giver, giving giving and not receiving back appreciation of any kind.

I never had a reason to give, nor gave because of something that I lacked in myself. I gave because I loved her, not because I was trying to buy her love. And I don't think I overgave either. Looking back, I have no regrets for what I did for her, as it wasn't too much or too little. Regardless of what I did for her, in a weird way I think she EXPECTED certain things, which is probably why she wasn't as appreciative as she should've been.

Again I say balance. Make sure YOU are being treated the same way that you are treating HER.

And how is that supposed to happen? Better yet, what if you're not being treated the same way you're treating her? Do you tell her about it and risk an argument, or do you just scale back on the way you're treating her?

If you have a women who does NOT appreciate you being a good person, you need to check out of the relationship

That might be very difficult to do, depending on the strength of the emotional attachment.

So she didnt appreciate you. Oh well , there someone else who will. So she didnt get the expensive dinners and the high end clothes ( or whatever you did not give her ) for every women like that there are those ( believe it or not ) who care more about YOU than what you buy them. Go figure !

That may be true, but now it's a matter of finding an immaterialistic woman who is going to love ME. If only I had a crystal ball. At this point, eharmony.com looks promising, as it takes a lot of the guesswork out of finding the person who most closely matches you. I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds enticing. What is your view on that?

Yes you were but she did not appreciate it because you did not lavish her

You know, that's what confuses me about her. She once told me she dated this guy who had money. He would buy her lots of jewelry and even bought her sister some jewelry. She said she dumped this guy because she felt he was trying to buy her love, and that it was a turn-off to her. So if she didn't like being lavished and she didn't appreciate the things I did for her, what the hell DOES she want? I don't even think SHE knows what she wants.

You must take partial blame here in some way. If only to take a harder look at yourself and improve where there needs some improvement. I am not saying you werent the greatest boyfriend ever but it does take two people to make it work and you certainly were not perfect . None of us are. Not casting blame but since you are learning here you want the gut truth to everything right ?

You want to know the gut truth? At least the way I feel about the situation? The only thing I blame myself for is that my name wasn't **** who lived in California. I learned that that was THE "problem" in our entire relationship. For more on this, you can read my other thread. My problem is not a question of 'WHY did she do this to me?', but 'HOW could she do this to me?' I already know the answer to the first question, and it hurts just as bad as not knowing the answer to the second question.

Well if you want a half parched flower in the garden and * hope * it makes it through Spring * yes * but if you want a thriving Garden then you MUST pay attention to the flowers and their condition.

Yes, but doesn't true love conquer all?

So, on some level, EVERYBODY is "materialistic"?
You are not speaking to one right now ...

If I'm not speaking to one right now, who exactly AM I speaking to? Other than someone who's obviously wise and knowledgable and appears to have much relationship experience?

Actually, Mary didn't necessarily say there were things wrong with my post.
I think that this shows you by now how much we want to truly help you.

I know this, and you don't know how truly grateful I am to you guys. Not only are you giving me your precious time, but when you do, you give it to me straight, and I appreciate that. I wouldn't want it any other way. If it wasn't for you guys, I probably would've already e-mailed my ex and really screwed myself up more. So, instead of e-mailing the ex, I channel those energies by posting on here. It seems to be working and is keeping me level-headed. As for you helping me, I don't know if you do it because I really need the help, or you actually do enjoy helping me.

Of course its always been about HER so I imagine the NEWS will be to her benefit

Boy, you called that one, didn't you?

It would be PATHETIC for you to even respond to her

I've done more pathetic things in my lifetime, but I won't get into that now.

Geeeeeeeez a real Email ! How about her knocking on your door. WOW now THAT would be breathtaking !

You got me sitting here imagining that. I honestly don't know how I would react if she did come knocking on my door, especially unannounced. It's bad enough I'm getting e-mails from her. But to actually see her face-to-face.........

April 8, 2006

It would be really hard to tell whether your definition of being needy and hers differs from a common need to be with that person as opposed to needing her for your own validation

Well, if anyone needed the other for validation, it would be her needing me. As I mentioned in one of my other threads, my ex was the type where she would focus all her energies on the relationship and, in doing so, would lose sight of herself. When we were a couple, she never did anything for herself. She didn't really have any interests, but was very receptive to whatever I felt like doing. So, bascially, she found her own happiness THROUGH me. It wasn't brought on by me. It's just the type of person she is. So, perhaps she NEEDED me for her own happiness. And as for me being needy, the only thing I ever NEEDED was for her not to break up with me and rule me out of her life completely.I was once guilty of that and have tried very hard to not make that person the main focus of my total being. Rather making them a part in a healthy way

Quote:

There are those here who have equal balance in their lives and there are those here who's whole lives revolve totally around another person who is no longer in their lives and are trying to decipher what emails mean and the like

So now you're saying I'm the only fool on here who's in the second class of people? You are no fool . But you need reinforcements so you don't fall into her mind f**** trap. Truth be known. If she wanted to be with you right now she would. So she needs to stop hurting you with her casual " Whats up " ? kind of emails when in fact , she knows if you respond , that you are still under her control I wish I had an equal balance in my life. However, when somebody as important as she was to me disappears from my life, of course my life's balance is going to be thrown out of whack. Absolutely it does but with practice you can not get so out of whack when someone decides you are not worthy of them anymore and you can realize you have more worth than they could ever KNOW.She was a major part of my life, and if I appear like my life is not currently balanced, I believe they refer to that as the grieving process. You are in the grieving stage but it appears you have moved to the anger stage ( excellent ) the only stage left is acceptance. In acceptance you can find yourself again.The only difference is that she is not dead. Some suggest to pretend she is dead. It makes it easier. I myself have a different method of forgetting someone.However, when I receive e-mails from her, it's almost as if the ghost of her is haunting me.Just call it a psychological * hiccup * from the past. That's exactly the way I felt when I saw that she e-mailed me the first e-mail. It was as if I had seen a ghost. And I say that from a physiological standpoint as well.

Quote:

Some needed extra help in learning that they must value THEMSELVES first before they can value a good relationship

It's hard to value yourself when you've become rejected.If you value yourself from the beginning rejection is like " OKay so she was not interested . Lets move on and find somone that is. Its not easy and it takes time but all your reflection tells me you are going to find a wonderful girl if I could look into my mystical crystal ball

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Absolutely, I suffered devastation but after that occured I make sure that I don't go in with blinders on and don't wrap my entire world around that person only for them to decide they want something else. Always leave a part of your heart for yourself , lest somone tries to remove the rest of it by breaking up with you

That's probably why most relationships fail, since not many people are willing to give their whole heart to the other person, No wrong. Giving yourself wholey and completely is what you grew up believing. But in our world that moves at warp speed and those that exist in it being selfish and impulsive and immature, you have to keep apart of your heart in case they decide you are not that and a bag of chips and decide to leave you for something better. That way your heart is still intact and its not lying on the sidewalk where she stomped it to deathfor fear they'll end up in the same miserable boat again. However, if you're holding back part of your heart, how can one experience a deep and powerful love? You can discover deep powerful love , its within all of us , but deep powerful love does not leave you with a hole in your chest once its removed. It's kind of sad if you think about it, since one will never know when "their time is up", but I suppose it's a defense mechanism aimed at preventing yet another devastating heartbreak. You leave the door open for that love but you dont let a hurricane come through and destroy everything you stand for.And until you've experienced your first heartbreak, you will give your whole heart, as I have done. We all gave our whole heart but some of us got it back when the other person deviled it.And I have a big heart, which makes the hurt all the more painful.Having a big heart makes you very attractive and interesting to those of us who LOVE a man with a good heart.

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Rejection makes us stronger and helps us reevaluate ourselves and that other person so we can go on to make better choices in the future

I sincerely hope I become stronger from this. You will.If anything, I'll be more wise and possess this newfound knowledge going into the next relationship,Yes which should help my chances of succeeding as a desirable partner. But I have a long way to go for that to happen. For now, I'm just soaking in all this great advice and wisdom. For all the advice I have given I still fall prey to forgetting what I have learned at times. At that point I take a step back and revaluate myself. Critical .

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Exactly. The dumper will not feel the pain in the same degree as the dumpee

Actually, you misinterpreted what I was saying. When I said that no two people experience the same level of pain given the same breakup, I wasn't talking about the two people who make up the relationship. I was talking specifically about dumpees, and that no two dumpees will experience the exact same level of pain, given their own relationships and breakups were the same. For example, if my ex dates her new guy for the same amount of time as she dated me, and then breaks up with him for another guy, he may not be going through the same pain as I'm going through. Even though we experienced the same breakup with the same person, our pain levels may be different, only because we are two different people.Thats what makes us all unique individuals but its HOW we handle our pain. How fast can we recover ? How did we let the pain consume us ?

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So she had financial needs that you could not meet. THere are women who have emotional needs , financial needs and other needs. If you don't meet those needs then she searches for someone who can.

According to her, money wasn't an issue. Yet when I became upset about a "joke" she had made about my finances, she asked how I thought she could be that shallow. Bottom line is that she has many needs, and those needs keep changing, as do the men in her life. She will never be fulfilled or content.And that my friend is the truth.

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I would say to have even balance in all things. That way you wont feel you * overgave * . Don't give for the paybacks. Give because you enjoy giving. But dont overgive to where you are becoming the giver, giving giving and not receiving back appreciation of any kind.

I never had a reason to give, nor gave because of something that I lacked in myself. I gave because I loved her, not because I was trying to buy her love. And I don't think I overgave either. Looking back, I have no regrets for what I did for her, as it wasn't too much or too little. Regardless of what I did for her, in a weird way I think she EXPECTED certain things, which is probably why she wasn't as appreciative as she should've been.She did NOT appreciate what you did and thats not very forgivable.

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Again I say balance. Make sure YOU are being treated the same way that you are treating HER.

And how is that supposed to happen? Better yet, what if you're not being treated the same way you're treating her? Do you tell her about it and risk an argument, or do you just scale back on the way you're treating her? You give when you feel she deserves and you pull back when she gets to the point of taking you for granted.

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If you have a women who does NOT appreciate you being a good person, you need to check out of the relationship

That might be very difficult to do, depending on the strength of the emotional attachment. But its your strength here that matters. How long will you stay in something thats not healthy for you ? THAT is what makes or breaks us in how we handle lifes crisis and setbacks

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So she didnt appreciate you. Oh well , there someone else who will. So she didnt get the expensive dinners and the high end clothes ( or whatever you did not give her ) for every women like that there are those ( believe it or not ) who care more about YOU than what you buy them. Go figure !

That may be true, but now it's a matter of finding an immaterialistic woman who is going to love ME. How easy that should be when you look beyond yourself and KNOW she does existIf only I had a crystal ball. At this point, eharmony.com looks promising, EHarmony I have heard is not that good. You receive no picture . You go only on common interests. Your perfect girl could be well over 300 lbs and have green hair. as it takes a lot of the guesswork out of finding the person who most closely matches you. I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds enticing. What is your view on that?From all that I heard its expensive and not reliable indicator of the success you will have,. Guess what I did the questionaire and was rejected because they said no-one could match what I wanted , LOL ! Thats okay, I knew he exists,.But I am picky and we should all be. Yes I should lower or lighten my standards a little bit but I know what I am looking for.

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Yes you were but she did not appreciate it because you did not lavish her

You know, that's what confuses me about her. She once told me she dated this guy who had money. He would buy her lots of jewelry and even bought her sister some jewelry. She said she dumped this guy because she felt he was trying to buy her love, and that it was a turn-off to her. So if she didn't like being lavished and she didn't appreciate the things I did for her, what the hell DOES she want? I don't even think SHE knows what she wants.She does not know what she wants still...

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You must take partial blame here in some way. If only to take a harder look at yourself and improve where there needs some improvement. I am not saying you werent the greatest boyfriend ever but it does take two people to make it work and you certainly were not perfect . None of us are. Not casting blame but since you are learning here you want the gut truth to everything right ?

You want to know the gut truth? At least the way I feel about the situation? The only thing I blame myself for is that my name wasn't **** who lived in California. You are not cali guy and he is not you. To compare yourself to this guy is fruitless. Focus on who YOU are and your strengths I learned that that was THE "problem" in our entire relationship. For more on this, you can read my other thread. My problem is not a question of 'WHY did she do this to me?', but 'HOW could she do this to me?' How ? Its easy for her. You will never get the How you are looking for. Accept that people like her do exist. I already know the answer to the first question, and it hurts just as bad as not knowing the answer to the second question.

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Well if you want a half parched flower in the garden and * hope * it makes it through Spring * yes * but if you want a thriving Garden then you MUST pay attention to the flowers and their condition.

Yes, but doesn't true love conquer all?No. We wish it did.

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So, on some level, EVERYBODY is "materialistic"?

You are not speaking to one right now ...

If I'm not speaking to one right now, who exactly AM I speaking to? I was referring to ME as someone you are speaking to who is not materialisticOther than someone who's obviously wise and knowledgable and appears to have much relationship experience?

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Actually, Mary didn't necessarily say there were things wrong with my post.

I think that this shows you by now how much we want to truly help you.

I know this, and you don't know how truly grateful I am to you guys. Not only are you giving me your precious time, but when you do, you give it to me straight, and I appreciate that. I wouldn't want it any other way. If it wasn't for you guys, I probably would've already e-mailed my ex and really screwed myself up more.Exactly and thankfully so... So, instead of e-mailing the ex, I channel those energies by posting on here. Thats right !It seems to be working and is keeping me level-headed. As for you helping me, I don't know if you do it because I really need the help, or you actually do enjoy helping me.I help you because I want to and enjoy seeing you grow. I only wish someone could ( and has here ) and continue to help me when I have a dilema...

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Of course its always been about HER so I imagine the NEWS will be to her benefit

Boy, you called that one, didn't you? Yessir

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It would be PATHETIC for you to even respond to her

I've done more pathetic things in my lifetime, but I won't get into that now. Haven't we all ? hehe. Thank God for LOve Shack !

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Geeeeeeeez a real Email ! How about her knocking on your door. WOW now THAT would be breathtaking !

You got me sitting here imagining that. I honestly don't know how I would react if she did come knocking on my door, especially unannounced. It's bad enough I'm getting e-mails from her. But to actually see her face-to-face.........You would show a slight smile and ask : How have you been ? And see if all this time , all this amazing time , that you don't see her in the same light as you did before. Because time has a way of changing us even right under our noses. Even when we dont see it happening we are changing everyday

April 9, 2006

Mary, can you PLEASE use the standard way of quoting other posts and replying (the site will do it for you if you click the Quote W/Reply button), your posts are really hard to read.

x

April 9, 2006

Thanks for the compliment Mary. I have really enjoyed reading your posts. You are always articulate and realistic in everything that you write. Isn't it great to live in a day and age where we can discuss painful experiences and help each other despite never seeing each other's face and living in different parts of the world. It's really amazing if you think about it.

I agree with Mary SH that you seem to be recovering. I took interest in your particular thread, because we are asking similar questions and following similar timelines. I know it feels so unique and bitter, but it isn't, it is bitter, but certainly not unique. Look around this web-site. You wrote that different people might respond with different levels of emotions, that two different dumpees facing similar circumstances will feel differently about those circumstances. That's true to a point. It matters how emotionally invested people become in their relationships. But I think once a certain threshold is crossed, that the emotional repsonse to being dumped is amazingly similar. So many sentences on this website could have been written by me and reflect my thoughts precisely. It's partly biological. We are bio-engineered to need companionship. At least most of us are, some people are virtually devoid of feelings. There is literally a physiological response to being in love and when the object of our affections rejects us we enter a period of starvation. And that is painful- we just have to look at it for what it really is.

I am not saying that this is all mechanical and devoid of humanity. Every person is unique. If she doesn't get back together (and it doesn't look like it), yeah, you will never replace her. You will never experience her affections again. But you will find something else. And a lot of those feelings you have for her will be redirected. The thing now is to jump back into the single life and try to have a little fun. Let the bitterness make you a little harder, a little more cynical, a little more selective in your life choices. You are angry. Good. You are looking at women differently. Good. I mean don't hate them ,they are no better, nor any worse than men. But if this experience has changed a romanticized view of what wome are like, than you have grown from it. Realize that love alone is never enough. Love is pathetically generic. You also have to meet each other's needs, whatever they are.

April 9, 2006

Okay, I think this is all pure BS. For starters, I've read the majority of posts here and I'll tell you one thing: IT IS ALL SPECULATION. We're not YOU, but the best we can do is offer an opinion based on our own experiences and knowledge and the details you present us.

First of all, she left you for an old friend in California. If it was just that easy for her, then she might not have been worth it... we'll never know. Secondly, why did you implement the NC rule? I hope you did so for your own HEALING PROCESS. She didn't break the NC rule because she doesn't need to heal; she has her man. However, if you respond to her, then you are breaking the NC rule because you are the one that needs healing.

Now what is it you're trying to do? Do you want her back or do you want to move on? The answer seems simple here... if you want her back, you're going to have a hell of a time convincing her to leave California AND her new flame. If you want to move on, do not reply. Simple as that.

Good luck.

April 9, 2006

Mary, can you PLEASE use the standard way of quoting other posts and replying (the site will do it for you if you click the Quote W/Reply button), your posts are really hard to read.

x

Lets see how this turns out. I apologize as I did not know how you guys got your quotes highlighted..

April 9, 2006

Lets see how this turns out. I apologize as I did not know how you guys got your quotes highlighted..

Yes ! It worked

April 9, 2006

Thanks for the compliment Mary. I have really enjoyed reading your posts. You are always articulate and realistic in everything that you write. Isn't it great to live in a day and age where we can discuss painful experiences and help each other despite never seeing each other's face and living in different parts of the world. It's really amazing if you think about it.

Thanks I really do enjoy helping others . I am definately a Realist...hehe...Always have been. Very greatful this site exists. It not only enables me to try and help others but I get to see myself in some of these posts and maybe prevent myself from doing something I might not have known about.

April 9, 2006

I want to write her. I want to write her, I want to write her. I need to post something here so I don't post something there. God how I miss her sexy downturned mouth. And I can just see it now, pouting, manipulating, her looking at me pouting with those beautiful angry eyes. Why am I such a spinelss f*ck? I'm a hypocrite if I write her right? I'm hypocrite and worse if I write her I know.

O.K. here's the box score. My sister went to the slut's house tonight. Her and her prizecock were playing scrabble. She was laughing and enjoying her life and having a good time. It makes me want to puke! She never even mentioned my name. You would think that after blowing me off twice, and not calling me back at the very least she could recognize my existence on earth. To my flesh and blood sister, my roomate, her f****ng best friend she couldn't even ask about me, the cun*?

I guess her and her-I can hardly even bring myself to write it, her bf (after 4 months it still hurts ) are getting along fine now. He didn't know what precocious meant and she whispered to my sister "I told you he was stupid". That was the only thing I had to smile at today. How pathetic. I'm pathetic. But you have to understand the anger I feel about all this. In a previous post I wrote about the extremely disrepectful and humiliating manner in which she discarded me. And right at work, right in front of my f*cking face, kissing him, and stroking his back and then turning around and giving me little judas kisses "I'm sorry, I love you more than him, but I can't help it", fuc* man it makes you lose faith in humanity. I swear to God I should have spit her saliva back at her face that last time she kissed me. I should have bit into her lip and held it and asked her if she still thought I was so "adorable".

If she had just been some mindless bimbo that would have been one thing. If she had been some stupid, vapid airhead that would have been one thing, I would have felt emascualted, but this! This girl was my friend, she's a total pseudo-intellectual snob we used to talk for hours, even when we would argue our senses of humour were so similar and harsh and honest that we would always end up making each other laugh. This isn't just a case of someone being clingy, she got real close to the bone and she so totally betrayed me and for what, a few more inches of tissue, oh, it's so incredibly vulgar as to defy belief.

Here's an equation for all of you who like math. Personally I hate math, but here is an equation I understand

2 broken engagements+2 failed marriages+3 abortions+ over 70 sexual partners before 37 = whore.

It's simple objective arithmatic. Let me check the equation.

(whore - 2 broken engagements + 2 failed marriages + 3 abortions + oh! six cats + zero children surving the auschwitz style crematorium she calls her womb + over 70 sexual partners at less than 37 = 0)

yes, it all checks.

And get this! They read to each other in bed now. I started that! I mean I didn't start that in the universe, but I started that with her, that was our bit, everybody thought it was cute. I want to die.

April 9, 2006