over a month of no contact...ex just e-mailed me...WHAT DO I DO?!?!

[Mary3]

Being needy and whiney are truly unattractive traits in adults Shattered Heart. We resort to this as infants and toddlers and its to insure we are taken care of but as we become adults we cannot be clingy and needy because its an attraction killer. You don't ever want to * need * someone because that reinforces that you lack something that you * need* . Rather you want someone in your life to already enhance your full life.

 

 

That makes sense, but it's okay to "need" someone on some level. It's when one becomes obsessively needy where it becomes an issue.It would be really hard to tell whether your definition of being needy and hers differs from a common need to be with that person as opposed to needing her for your own validation

 

 

Quote:

if your only interest is in the person you are involved with and you have no other interests and then something happens to your relationship well....you end up sharing your devastation here .

 

 

So you're basically saying that everyone who enters this site had no other interests besides their exes? Absolutely not. There are those here who have equal balance in their lives and there are those here who's whole lives revolve totally around another person who is no longer in their lives and are trying to decipher what emails mean and the likeThat their exes were their only interest in life, for why else would they be devasted enough to enter this site and post messages? They come here like we all did to receive help. Some needed extra help in learning that they must value THEMSELVES first before they can value a good relationshipWouldn't you agree that there are different levels of devastation,Absolutely, I suffered devastation but after that occured I make sure that I don't go in with blinders on and don't wrap my entire world around that person only for them to decide they want something else. Always leave a part of your heart for yourself , lest somone tries to remove the rest of it by breaking up with you as everybody's rejection sensitivity is different, Rejection makes us stronger and helps us reevaluate ourselves and that other person so we can go on to make better choices in the future and that no two people experience the same level of pain given the same breakup? Exactly. The dumper will not feel the pain in the same degree as the dumpeeNot only that, but you have to take into consideration the extent of each person's love for the other person.The one that dumped obviously did not feel the same level as the one they dumped by the road side.

 

 

Quote:

Someone who seeks approval is asking permission to behave in a certain way and will go overboard trying to have the approval they lack thus showing once again they have to be overly nice and that is just boring after awhile. Being strong and assertive is far more empowering than catering to the needs of someone until they grow bored with you because you are NO challenge.

 

 

Again, this makes sense, but everyone's situation is unique. For example, I never tried to seek my ex's approval. I was confident enough to know that she loved me no matter what I did for her (well, at least that's what I thought, since I later found out after the breakup just how materialistic she really is, and that I apparently couldn't give her enough).So she had financial needs that you could not meet. THere are women who have emotional needs , financial needs and other needs. If you don't meet those needs then she searches for someone who can. And the nice things I did for her wasn't some devious or desperate attempt to try to "keep her". I did things for her because I truly loved her and cared for her. And don't get me wrong. I don't live a lavish lifestyle where I could afford to constantly buy her things (not that I would anyway). Truth of the matter is that I lead a very modest lifestyle, and when I say I did things for her, it wasn't any more than the next guy would do for his girlfriend. I am a nice guy, and it's just my nature to be nice and do nice things. Shoot me for being so nice and allowing my ex to become bored with me because I'm no longer a "challenge". It seems I can't win for losing.I would say to have even balance in all things. That way you wont feel you * overgave * . Don't give for the paybacks. Give because you enjoy giving. But dont overgive to where you are becoming the giver, giving giving and not receiving back appreciation of any kind.

 

 

Quote:

if you have always been too nice and too well behaved you saw where that got you with women.

 

 

Well, for me, "women" doesn't apply. More like "woman". And what things would you suggest I do to remedy my niceness and being well behaved? Again I say balance. Make sure YOU are being treated the same way that you are treating HER. You have to realize that not every guy is capable of being a jerk to women,This Jerk thing sure comes up alot now doesn't it ? We dont want Jerks. We want good men. If you have a women who does NOT appreciate you being a good person, you need to check out of the relationship and I'm one of those guys. So I guess that's going to get me nowhere fast.An optomistic approach will always make you a winner. So she didnt appreciate you. Oh well , there someone else who will. So she didnt get the expensive dinners and the high end clothes ( or whatever you did not give her ) for every women like that there are those ( believe it or not ) who care more about YOU than what you buy them. Go figure !

 

 

Quote:

Its not a game , its a way of changing stale behavior patterns that make you too boring and predictable

 

 

Okay, but I think it all comes down to each woman and how they perceive things. For example, my younger sister is so happily in love with the guy she's been with for almost four years. After my ex broke up with me, I did a comparison between my sister's boyfriend and myself. I asked myself, 'what is it that he does or doesn't do that makes my sister so happy?' I then applied that same question to myself regarding my ex, and there's really no difference between me and him, except the fact that when he and my sister are together, they like to lounge around the house and watch TV. I asked my sister why she was so happy with him, even though they don't really do much "fun stuff" together. She told me that when you truly love someone, it's enough to just want to be with them, regardless of what you do together. Um , true to some degree but UNLESS you have common interests I dont think it will work into the years. That said, she also told me not to worry about losing my ex because she saw how great of a boyfriend I was,Yes you were but she did not appreciate it because you did not lavish her and also said that it wasn't me, that it was definitely her.You must take partial blame here in some way. If only to take a harder look at yourself and improve where there needs some improvement. I am not saying you werent the greatest boyfriend ever but it does take two people to make it work and you certainly were not perfect . None of us are. Not casting blame but since you are learning here you want the gut truth to everything right ? And it's not only my sister who has said this. And yes our families and friends will always say :" Its not You :" But guess what it could have been something you did in the overall picture Everyone in my family, as well as everybody who knew me and my ex also said that it wasn't me, it was her. So, that gives me some relief,Don't relax too long with relief , you have work to do ... as I have enough self-esteem to say that I honestly was a great boyfriend. I bet you were for someone else but not her.So, it may not be a question of being too boring and predictable, as much as it is each individual woman's makeup and what makes them happy.

 

 

Quote:

You follow a game plan similar as above and her reactions tell you everything.

 

 

Isn't it enough to just be yourself and rely on open communication and honesty? Being yourself can always add room for improvement. Just because you were the best you could be does not mean it was enough for the other person. If you have two people who are open books, why would there be a need to rely on her reactions to tell you everything? Because her reactions tell you EVERYTHING. Hopefully you will use this information for your next great relationshipWouldn't you encourage openness instead of reading and interpreting her subtle body language?I would use BOTH

 

 

Quote:

Relationships are work . With savvy skill and knowledge you can make it the best one

 

 

Okay, they ARE, but do they really HAVE to be?Well if you want a half parched flower in the garden and * hope * it makes it through Spring * yes * but if you want a thriving Garden then you MUST pay attention to the flowers and their condition. And I don't care how much savvy skill and knowledge a guy may possess, as there's no guarantee that a woman is not going to fall out of love with you. Absolutely correct. If it's going to happen, it doesn't matter if you're new to relationships or you're a seasoned veteran. It's more of an individual thing.

 

 

Quote:

There is no such thing as unconditional love.

 

 

WHOA! ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Very serious. What if she murdered an innocent cab driver tomorrow , would you still LOVE her ? She could do despicable things and unforgivable things.Unconditional love is love with no conditions that could promise to take it away. I dont think so !That's an extremely bold statement. So all this time, everybody in this world has been grossly misled to think that there exists this thing called unconditional love?They have heard this through their lives and believe it so.. So it's fair to say that love can exist, but only on the condition of x, y, and z? In other words, I'll love you, but only if you "do" or "don't do" this, that,You misunderstand * conditions * you dont love them if they do this or that but you can no longer love them if they DO something to you that is not acceptable and damaging to your psyche. and the other thing? Is that what you're saying? Please elaborate, as I'm VERY curious as to your position on this.

 

 

Quote:

No actually its not enough to just be a wonderful person. Not everyone will appreciate that without something added to the equation.

 

 

So, on some level, EVERYBODY is "materialistic"?You are not speaking to one right now ...

 

 

Quote:

It goes much deeper than just being a great person to attract the right person. You have to have a knack for great boyfriend material and knowing when to act accordingly with positive results

 

 

I KNOW I have a knack for being a great boyfriend. I'm just not sure what you mean when you say knowing when to act accordingly with positive results. Please give me some examples. If you know how to act you can acheive postitive results . If you dont know how to act you will receive negative reactions such as pulling back , dodging your company , failure to call, no respect ,making it very clear that person is not happy with your treatment , in whatever way.

 

 

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2nd April 2006, 11:24 PM #68

Shattered Heart

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Join Date: Jan 2006

Posts: 55 Quote:

Originally Posted by CaliGuy

So many things wrong with this post, but I see Mary addressed them pretty much spot on.

 

What I posted wasn't a game. It was all the qualities of a man that is attractive to a woman. If you have most (if not all) of those qualities, you will be VERY attractive to good woman.

 

Also, as you grow and change, so might your taste in women. When you become most of what is on this list, you might find you are not attracted to the kind of women you used to be attracted to.

 

 

Actually, Mary didn't necessarily say there were things wrong with my post. I think that this shows you by now how much we want to truly help you. She merely gave me her view on things. But if you feel my post deserves a beating, I don't think you need a beating but just constructive adviceby all means let me have it. Pinpoint exactly what you disagree with. I'm not infallible. I make mistakes and I admit to them. And when I'm wrong, I want to know why. So prove to me why I'm wrong.

 

I never said your list was a "game" per se. It's just something that even God Himself would have a hard time not only adhering to, but also understanding the boudaries relating to each rule. It just seems like a near impossibility, that's all I'm saying.All things are possible

 

As for my attraction to women and the type of woman I'm attracted to, I do set my standards high, but when I do eventually fall in love, I'm very easy to please. I could've seen myself marrying my ex. However, now I can't, for I do know that I'm not attracted to anyone who is going to eventually reject me and cause me a world of pain. Very Good !

 

 

 

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Shattered Heart

I never said your list was a "game" per se. It's just something that even God Himself would have a hard time not only adhering to, but also understanding the boudaries relating to each rule. It just seems like a near impossibility, that's all I'm saying.

 

 

It's not impossible. As I mentioned before, if you are confident and self-assured, you will naturally graviate towards those characteristics. I am firmly convinced that all good and bad characteristics of people stem from a healthy amount of or lack of confidenc

 

 

When you have a high level of self-confidence you start to view the world differently. As such, your taste will change. I'm not saying you won't still have high standards, but I do believe you will scrutinize the women Exactlyyou do select better and as such, you may find yourself with someone you never expected.

 

Good luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Join Date: Apr 2003

Posts: 391 Quote:

Originally Posted by Shattered Heart

That list MAY work on individuals whose partners might be second-guessing their love for the other partner. However, if a couple truly loves one another, and the love is UNCONDITIONAL, then that list can be thrown in the garbage, for each person will love the other for who they are, without a need for all the "relationship games". If games have to be played, then one could surmise that the love lacks strength, and was probably never unconditional to begin with. And if someone is not going to love you because you're not "adhering to the list", then it's pretty obvious they're not the right one for you anyway.

 

 

It could also be said that if you did have this perfect unconditional love for each other, you wouldn't need a list, as you'd STILL BE TOGETHER.

 

I don't believe unconditional love exists other than families and blood relatives, possibly when you're old and been with someone for decades.. But not in 99.99% of un-maritial relationships, which is why most of them end.

 

 

 

 

 

OK... Try sleeping with her sister, stealing everything out of her bank account, get into her email and send a nude pic of her to everyone in her address book, trash her apartment, and leave a note calling her a "Poopy head"... still think she'd love you? Or by the same token she sleeps with 43 men behind your back , charges up $ 10,000 on your credit card, sleeps with your brother too and then wants you to love her no matter what ? I dont think so.

 

Relationship love is VERY conitional.

 

 

 

Okay, everyone who has posted on this thread must be an expert because..........

 

I JUST GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM THE EX!!!!!!!!!!

 

You guys called it! This is now the second e-mail I've gotten from her in just under four weeks. Lets break out the ChampagneAs of this time, I still haven't replied to her first e-mail, and I don't intend to. Good still !@As for this new e-mail I received this morning, I haven't opened it up yet. In the first e-mail she sent me over three weeks ago, the subject read "hi there". This time, the subject reads "news".She's getting married ? Shes just broken up with boyfriend and wants to stab you in the heart again ? Oh celebrate ?? Now I'm back in the same boat as I was when I received the first e-mail, Yes same boat. Girl dumped you. GIrl got new guy. Girl emailed you to hurt you. Girl has emailed you again for God knows what . Wanna open it ? Subject yourself to whatever will happen if you do.although I'm more tame this time. Now I'm just wondering if she's just trying to entice me to actually reply to her by telling me some kind of "news". What "news" can she possibly tell me that is going to erase all the excruciating pain of the past five months?Of course its always been about HER so I imagine the NEWS will be to her benefit I am a major skeptic, and I hardly believe that what she's included in the e-mail is anything that I'm going to care about OR make me feel better about myself. And I doubt her "news" is that she finally realized she's made a huge mistake and wants to get back together. Oh WOW 5 months later she realized and now she will be on her knees begging for you back ? Such great scenarios Unless she's about to tell me that life in California is not what it's all cracked up to be, she's miserable with her new guy, and now wants to move back home. And suck back up to you. It would be PATHETIC for you to even respond to her I highly doubt that but, at this point, I just don't know! I know a lot of you would tell me to just ignore or delete the e-mail, but what if it IS actual noteworthy news?Oh heck open it up ! I just know I'm going to open the e-mail eventually, even if it may hurt me. But I doubt she would be that cruel to keep up her shenanigans. How long should I wait to open it, and WHY do you think she's e-mailing me AGAIN??? Geeeeeeeez a real Email ! How about her knocking on your door. WOW now THAT would be breathtaking !

 

 

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[Raven1845]

I agree with Rio that unconditional love exists when it refers to your family (or even your pets, for that matter). I agree with Chocolate_Boy that unconditional love does not exist in romantic relationships.

 

No matter what I do or say, my mom would love me. She would even love me if I went berzerk and became an axe murderer. If I hurt her beyond words, she would still love me. Her love for me is unconditional. Same with my pets. They love me no matter what.

 

In a romantic relationship, there are ALWAYS conditions. It's more romantic to think there aren't conditons, but truthfully and logically romatic love IS conditional. I think we'd be foolish to believe there aren't conditions to romantic love. Like Chocolate_Boy said:

 

"Try sleeping with her sister, stealing everything out of her bank account, get into her email and send a nude pic of her to everyone in her address book, trash her apartment, and leave a note calling her a "Poopy head"... still think she'd love you?"

 

Relationship/romantic love IS conditional.

 

On her second email, I hate to say this, and I hope I'm wrong, but when I read that the subject matter is "news" . . . the first thing I thought of is that she's going to tell you she's engaged. I hope I'm wrong, though.

[jerbear]

whoa! Mary3 and Caliguy are giving some tough love!

 

I've been following this thread for advice and there are many good ones.

 

ShatteredHeart:

From what I see, you still have to have a level head. You seem like you are in the anger stage. Sometimes you just have to step back and regain your composure.

[CaliGuy]

Okay, everyone who has posted on this thread must be an expert because..........

 

I JUST GOT ANOTHER E-MAIL FROM THE EX!!!!!!!!!!

 

You guys called it! This is now the second e-mail I've gotten from her in just under four weeks. As of this time, I still haven't replied to her first e-mail, and I don't intend to. As for this new e-mail I received this morning, I haven't opened it up yet. In the first e-mail she sent me over three weeks ago, the subject read "hi there". This time, the subject reads "news". Now I'm back in the same boat as I was when I received the first e-mail, although I'm more tame this time. Now I'm just wondering if she's just trying to entice me to actually reply to her by telling me some kind of "news". What "news" can she possibly tell me that is going to erase all the excruciating pain of the past five months? I am a major skeptic, and I hardly believe that what she's included in the e-mail is anything that I'm going to care about OR make me feel better about myself. And I doubt her "news" is that she finally realized she's made a huge mistake and wants to get back together. Unless she's about to tell me that life in California is not what it's all cracked up to be, she's miserable with her new guy, and now wants to move back home. I highly doubt that but, at this point, I just don't know! I know a lot of you would tell me to just ignore or delete the e-mail, but what if it IS actual noteworthy news? I just know I'm going to open the e-mail eventually, even if it may hurt me. But I doubt she would be that cruel to keep up her shenanigans. How long should I wait to open it, and WHY do you think she's e-mailing me AGAIN???

 

Stop agonizing over it and READ THE EMAIL. You don't have to respond.

 

Post what it says here and I'll let you know how to respond, if you need to at all.

 

I know Mary says don't read it and she has a point. I think in the state you're in you will agonize over what it says until you do.

 

Know that if you read it we'll be here to reinforce what we've already told you. You know how shallow this woman is. Her idea of a relationship is what she can GET from it, not how you would both benefit.

[Shattered Heart]

Well, I haven't read the e-mail yet, but I called my mother to tell her about the e-mail, and now she's telling me that she suspects my ex may be e-mailing me to tell me she got engaged. Usually, I always think of the worst possible scenario, but I never thought of THAT! Could that really be the "news" she's e-mailing me with? If so, how insensitive and heartless can a person be to do that to someone? I hope my mother is wrong, but now I'm on even more of a head trip.

[Art_Critic]

Why all the freaking drama ?.. it is a f***ing email..

 

Your an adult not a chiild.. read it

[CaliGuy]

Well, I haven't read the e-mail yet, but I called my mother to tell her about the e-mail, and now she's telling me that she suspects my ex may be e-mailing me to tell me she got engaged. Usually, I always think of the worst possible scenario, but I never thought of THAT! Could that really be the "news" she's e-mailing me with? If so, how insensitive and heartless can a person be to do that to someone? I hope my mother is wrong, but now I'm on even more of a head trip.

 

IMHO, if she got engaged it's probably the best possible news for you.

 

That would be all the closure you need to finally put her out of your mind.

 

Read the email. Post what she said here. We'll give our opinions and then you can decide what you want to do.

 

Are you a man or a mouse?! Read the email.

[Shattered Heart]

Well, I took the advice from all, so I grew a pair, opened up her e-mail, and was a bit relieved. Here's what it read:

 

(My sister) is having another baby in November. Thought you might like to know. This will be her third and final child. She and (her husband) found a house to rent in (name of town), which is actually about the same distance from my parents but the opposite direction. Three bedrooms...a yard, and plenty of space for them. Just thought you'd like to know.

 

-M

 

So it seems she's just keeping me in the loop. I'm just wondering if I shouldn't reply to her, but send a congratulatory e-mail to her sister. I don't know. However, if you notice, twice she mentioned "thought you might like to know". Psychologically speaking, that has to mean something, but what? Okay...advice time...the floor is wide open.

[francis]

ignore it

 

IGNORE IT

 

don't fall into the trap I am in

 

save yourself a TON of pain, hassle, frustration and nerves

 

just ignore it

 

replying is pointless

 

you can dress it up anyway you want to

 

but it shows no sign of reaching out to you, concern for your feelings, nothing

 

it's just all about her (or indirectly, her sister)

 

if her mind was on getting back together with you, or even on your feelings at all, she would be saying things like 'how are you doing', 'have been thinking a lot about you lately', 'was wondering if we could meet up', 'i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about us'... blah blah blah

 

but she doesnt

 

this email is lame, and unless you want to start up some pointless ambiguous 'friends but only by email' thing, just hit delete, get on with your life, and forget about her

[Shattered Heart]

By the way, if I don't reply to my ex, and I do send her sister a congratulatory e-mail, should I start by saying, " 'Your sister' told me the wonderful news."? So, instead of me addressing my ex by her name, I'll instead say 'your sister'. That way, the e-mail will remain focused on only her sister and her sister's family, therefore making no direct mention of my ex AT ALL. I would congratulate her sister on the new baby and the new place, but that's it. I would keep it short and sweet and make no mention of either my ex or what I've been up to. And I know the e-mail would get back to my ex. And the fact that not only did I NOT reply to my ex, but e-mailed her sister only using the words 'your sister', would probably really upset my ex. Either that, or it would keep her guessing. Let me know if this makes sense and sounds feasible.

[francis]

no

 

dont contact her sister

 

if you bump into her sister in the street, and you stop to talk with her, and she tells you the news, THEN you congratulate her

 

but now, you are her sister's ex-boyfriend

 

someone who doesnt neccessarily need to go out of his way to offer his congratulations

 

and her sister now has a new boyfriend

 

so

 

NO NEED TO CONTACT HER SISTER

[CaliGuy]

Well, I took the advice from all, so I grew a pair, opened up her e-mail, and was a bit relieved. Here's what it read:

 

(My sister) is having another baby in November. Thought you might like to know. This will be her third and final child. She and (her husband) found a house to rent in (name of town), which is actually about the same distance from my parents but the opposite direction. Three bedrooms...a yard, and plenty of space for them. Just thought you'd like to know.

 

-M

 

So it seems she's just keeping me in the loop. I'm just wondering if I shouldn't reply to her, but send a congratulatory e-mail to her sister. I don't know. However, if you notice, twice she mentioned "thought you might like to know". Psychologically speaking, that has to mean something, but what? Okay...advice time...the floor is wide open.

 

No reply is necessary. Delete it.

[CaliGuy]

no

 

dont contact her sister

 

if you bump into her sister in the street, and you stop to talk with her, and she tells you the news, THEN you congratulate her

 

but now, you are her sister's ex-boyfriend

 

someone who doesnt neccessarily need to go out of his way to offer his congratulations

 

and her sister now has a new boyfriend

 

so

 

NO NEED TO CONTACT HER SISTER

 

Excellent advice. I second it completely.

[Lishy]

Is her sister important to you? Did she call you to check you were ok when you split with her sis? Does she invite you to events and play a part in your life?

 

If the answer is no then why would it be important to say congrats? I understand where you are coming from in wanting to hurt your ex back and although you wont see the result, you ignoring her email is the best way to get her upset if that is the result you want.

 

By replying to her or her sis in ANY way is giving her back the power position that you now hold. Trust me on this I have been there and to be in the driving seat is what will give you strength. As soon as you hit 'send' on a reply email you will lose all of that power, no matter what your return mail says. It feels awful, trust me!

 

Delete it and ignore it. It doesnt matter of her sis has quadruplets it makes no difference to your life. She is stirring you up for her ego. Dont let her!

 

BE STRONG! You can do it!

[riobikini]

Raven: " I agree with Rio that unconditional love exists when it refers to your family (or even your pets, for that matter). I agree with Chocolate_Boy that unconditional love does not exist in romantic relationships. "

 

I also agree that, in romantic relationships, there are boundaries both partners are responsible for not crossing, -that is, if you want to live happily together.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

I also agree that, in romantic relationships, there are boundaries both partners are responsible for not crossing, -that is, if you want to live happily together.

 

-Rio

 

Ah, boundaries Reading a really good book on that now. We're so screwed up in our rational it's not even funny.

 

"If I say no to someone, they won't love me." which is completely untrue. They're less likely to respect you and as we all know, respect precedes love.

 

Without respect, there can not be true love.

[Mary3]

Very well said . All of you have given super advice to SHeart.

 

Heres my take : She wants to keep the lines of communication open with you sending room temperature blither blather .

 

I would not respond and move on.

 

She did NOT say what you were hoping for like : "Gee I made a terrible mistake and I must be a horrible human being and I still love you darling . Please take me back ! "

 

Of course thats not what you received.

 

I SINCERELY hope NOW that you will see all these hours wasted on wondering and hurting and fantasizing about the what if's boils down to her telling you something about her sister !

 

You could write back " Yes thats great and I had to reinstall Windows 2006 while working on the dryer which keeps the clothes damp but it should rain tomorrow hopefully and my garden will flourish. Let me run the trash out and then I will write you about the rest of my exciting day. Glad you are doing good bumpkins...blah blah...Love Peter ."

 

You see its all senseless.

 

She wants to keep some connection with you so she can HURT with a NEXT letter that could say " John and I are expecting a baby any time soon " What a royal hot poker stuck in your patoose !

 

If you want to continue contact , well ,its like a sinking titanic ship. Somebody is going to drown in a horrible death and lets hope its not your heart after she Drops the NEXT bomb of how wonderful her life has become.

 

Had you had enough yet ?

 

Please , we enjoy your posts and hope you post on any NEW exciting girls that come your way.

 

We want you to have closure and get on with your precious life, which by the way ., 5 months have gone by....5 MONTHS !

 

PLease dont waste another minute cleaning her out of your mind.

 

Life is happening right NOW

 

Wake up !

[heyduh]

I just read this amazing saga.

 

here is my opinion:

 

if you truly (unconditionally ... to use your words) love her, after you heal, if you see that she has found happiness with someone else ... then you should be happy for her. isn't that unconditional love?

 

Regarding the 2nd email .. she is obviously trying to keep a connection open .. whatever her personal reasons: ego boost, fishing, whatever my personal advice would be to just respond with a quick one or two line generic email ... something along the lines of: "nice to hear about your sister, do convey my regards to her" .. do not ask how she is doing and you don't need to say anything about how you are doing or feeling.

 

by not replying to her 2nd email, you will make her think that she hurt you SO bad, ... and by over-replying, you are putting the power back into her hands. a very simple and casual reply keeps things even ... no better or worse than they are ...

 

in time "if" she ever shows interest in coming back, or expresses her problems etc ... thats when you are in the position of power and you can lay down ground rules for further communication ..

[Raven1845]

 

by not replying to her 2nd email, you will make her think that she hurt you SO bad, ...

 

Not sure I agree with this part. Would like to hear CaliGuy's opinion of this.

 

If I broke-up with someone, emailed, and they didn't respond to my second email, I would think they didn't care about me and that I don't mean anything to them, NOT that I hurt them bad. But that's just me.

[CaliGuy]

Not sure I agree with this part. Would like to hear CaliGuy's opinion of this.

 

At this point, what does it matter?

 

If I broke-up with someone, emailed, and they didn't respond to my second email, I would think they didn't care about me and that I don't mean anything to them, NOT that I hurt them bad. But that's just me.

 

I would just think they didn't think I was important to them. That's all.

[jerbear]

You could write back " Yes thats great and I had to reinstall Windows 2006 while working on the dryer which keeps the clothes damp but it should rain tomorrow hopefully and my garden will flourish. Let me run the trash out and then I will write you about the rest of my exciting day. Glad you are doing good bumpkins...blah blah...Love Peter ."

Love that line, have to use it oneday...

 

 

You see its all senseless.

 

If you want to continue contact , well ,its like a sinking titanic ship. Somebody is going to drown in a horrible death and lets hope its not your heart after she Drops the NEXT bomb of how wonderful her life has become.

 

Very true, it is very hard to find out that an ex is getting married and you were the last guy she dated. (yeah as in it happened to a close friend of mine, ME)

 

SH:

Sisters, close friends, mutual friends closer to them, are their networks. Telling you about her peripheral familiar connections has really nothing to do with you. It is used by her to regain control over you.

 

Now granted if it was someone you both really knew and you lost contact with that other person. That other person's last will and testament was to have your ex contact you about something. That is a different story.

 

In all honesty, sometimes it is not a good idea to keep anything open to wide. Leave that mailslot open but don't open the normal mail from the ex. Maybe open those multi-colored ones from the ex. (think collection agency or long lost reconnects like last will & testament)

[Shattered Heart]

It's not impossible. As I mentioned before, if you are confident and self-assured, you will naturally graviate towards those characteristics. I am firmly convinced that all good and bad characteristics of people stem from a healthy amount of or lack of confidence.

 

How is it possible (at this stage of the game) to be confident and self-assured? I mean, this breakup has really done a number on me. My ego, self-esteem, self-assuredness, and confidence level has really taken a major blow, and they are all still suffering. All of this because of ONE woman. It's as if by breaking up with me, she's sucked all the great qualities or characteristics out of me. And I try not to let it affect me, but it's like telling someone not to visualize a pink elephant.

 

When you have a high level of self-confidence you start to view the world differently. As such, your taste will change. I'm not saying you won't still have high standards, but I do believe you will scrutinize the women you do select better and as such, you may find yourself with someone you never expected.

 

Well, I'll tell you one thing. Right now, I DON'T have a high level of self-confidence, yet I AM viewing the world differently, especially the female race. And yes, I am scrutinizing women a lot differently, but it's probably not the same (positive) way as what you're referring to. This breakup has left a really bitter taste in my mouth. Not only regarding my ex, but the rest of the female population as well. I hate to think that every woman is like my ex, but my perception is thrown way off balance. But hey, can you blame me? I just hope that my view towards women will become less negative as time goes by. I sincerely HATE what my ex has done to me (the person)!

 

Exactly. They'd step over their own mother to do so.

 

When an ex is in contact with you, I hope you all remember something.

 

"Be the prize."

"Be the Sun, not a planet."

 

Don't be the pursuer.

 

So, in other words, don't allow yourself to revolve your life around your ex, but instead make her revolve around you? I guess this all comes down to control, correct?

 

You know how shallow this woman is. Her idea of a relationship is what she can GET from it, not how you would both benefit.

 

Boy, you must really know her by now. I'm glad you're basing your postings on a more fuller understanding of the type of person she really is. As for her being shallow, the night we decided to take a break, we laid all our cards on the table. So, many things were said. I let her know one of the things that was bothering me, and she responded with "do you really think I'm that shallow?". So, even then I must've known on some level just how shallow she was. All I know is that with her new relationship, she GOT California and all of the surrounding luxuries. Basically, something I couldn't offer her back east. Bottom line, you can run away to another place, but you can't run away from yourself!

 

IMHO, if she got engaged it's probably the best possible news for you.

 

That would be all the closure you need to finally put her out of your mind.

 

I really don't think so. It was actually a relief to find out that her second e-mail only pertained to her sister. How do you think I would feel, knowing that the guy she dumps me for, she ends up MARRYING? It's one thing losing an ex to someone else, and the both of them eventually end up breaking up. At least you get to have SOME satisfaction knowing that your ex is experiencing the same pain she once put you through. However, it's a COMPLETELY different story, knowing that your ex dumps you and marries the next guy. It's bad enough she tore my heart out of my chest and made me feel worthless. Marrying her new guy would be the biggest slap in my face. The only positive spin I could put on that would be that I laid down the foundation for her new "happiness". I say this because I know for a fact that she was the happiest with me, more than any of her 20 or so previous boyfriends. So it would be a nice transition for her to go from me to him, since she had already established a sense of happiness with me. At least that's the way I would like to view it if she ends up marrying HIM. As for closure, I don't think I'll ever get that.

 

Ah, boundaries Reading a really good book on that now. We're so screwed up in our rational it's not even funny.

 

"If I say no to someone, they won't love me." which is completely untrue. They're less likely to respect you and as we all know, respect precedes love.

 

Without respect, there can not be true love.

 

Are you referring to a guy's rational thinking regarding women? And my ex was exactly the way as you described in the scenario. She even went as far as to change herself into someone whom she thought I would love and be happy with. I didn't realize this until the end, which was too late. It was as if I fell in love with a false representation of herself. She rarely disagreed or said "no", and made sure that I was always pleased with her and that she made me happy. I guess she figured that I wouldn't love the "real" her, so she wore another face, one that ensured my love for her. I guess after a while it was too much for her to bear. And I never asked for any of that either. But I hear she does that with all guys.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raven1845

Not sure I agree with this part. Would like to hear CaliGuy's opinion of this.

 

At this point, what does it matter?

 

At what point?

 

Quote:

If I broke-up with someone, emailed, and they didn't respond to my second email, I would think they didn't care about me and that I don't mean anything to them, NOT that I hurt them bad. But that's just me.

 

I would just think they didn't think I was important to them. That's all.

 

So, by me not responding to either of my ex's e-mails, will she get the sense that she's not important to me anymore? I just wish I knew what is going through her head with the lack of my replies.

[Shattered Heart]

It could also be said that if you did have this perfect unconditional love for each other, you wouldn't need a list, as you'd STILL BE TOGETHER.

 

Well, I'm not saying that my relationship with my ex was unconditional. My love for her was unconditional but, unfortunately for me, it was a one-way street. She always accused me of not loving her unconditionally. However, after careful consideration and lots of reflecting since the breakup, I've come to realize that her accusations were merely her own insecurities getting the better of her, as SHE was the one whose love for me was CONDITIONAL. In other words, it was a reflection of her own thoughts.

 

I don't believe unconditional love exists other than families and blood relatives, possibly when you're old and been with someone for decades.. But not in 99.99% of un-maritial relationships, which is why most of them end.

 

Okay, I understand where you're coming from, but I think we should look at this from another angle. Instead of unconditional "love" (which CAN exist), we should really be calling it unconditional "in love" (which may never exist). For example, the love that we have for our family is a much different type of love we would have for our romantic partner. Being "in love", and REMAINING "in love" is an ongoing journey that is constantly being tested and is a more fickle and delicate kind of love than that of a family member. It's the "in love" part of love that has so many conditions placed on it, and can easily die if those conditions are not met. That's probably where CaliGuy's list would come in handy for keeping the "in love" alive and thriving. Much more work has to be put into maintaining "in love" than "love". You hear of so many breakups where the dumper claims that they "fell out of love" but still "loves" their partner (which was case with me and my ex). Perhaps this is because there is more than one type of love...one that requires more attention and devotion, and one that safely lies deep within us that is incapable of being scathed. That's the best way my mind can interpret the distinction, and I hope it makes sense.

 

OK... Try sleeping with her sister, stealing everything out of her bank account, get into her email and send a nude pic of her to everyone in her address book, trash her apartment, and leave a note calling her a "Poopy head"... still think she'd love you?

 

Relationship love is VERY conitional.

 

LOL. Okay, now that's a bit extreme, but you made your point nonetheless. And I know she'd still love me if I called her a poopyhead, since that was one of our nicknames for each other. It's funny you should mention that name though.

[Shattered Heart]

she may just wanna tell you she's been dumped and is looking for some comfort from an easy target = you.

 

if she wants you back, she will TELL YOU

 

Yeah right, like that would ever happen. If she got dumped, I highly doubt she would come to me for support or comfort, nevermind INFORMING me about it. She may have too much pride when it comes to that.

 

if her mind was on getting back together with you, or even on your feelings at all, she would be saying things like 'how are you doing', 'have been thinking a lot about you lately', 'was wondering if we could meet up', 'i have been doing a lot of thinking lately about us'... blah blah blah

 

Well, her first e-mail was directed more towards me, in that she said, 'i hope all is going well'. Granted, it wasn't, 'how are you doing', but it's close enough.

 

this email is lame, and unless you want to start up some pointless ambiguous 'friends but only by email' thing, just hit delete, get on with your life, and forget about her

 

Forget about her? Oh, but I wish I could. If it were that easy, I know I wouldn't be posting on here. But I am.

[CaliGuy]

How is it possible (at this stage of the game) to be confident and self-assured? I mean, this breakup has really done a number on me. My ego, self-esteem, self-assuredness, and confidence level has really taken a major blow, and they are all still suffering. All of this because of ONE woman. It's as if by breaking up with me, she's sucked all the great qualities or characteristics out of me. And I try not to let it affect me, but it's like telling someone not to visualize a pink elephant.

 

Well, it's your choice, really. You are the one who chooses to feel this way. She isn't making you feel this way, you are letting her do it to you. You are giving up your personal power.

 

I guess when you hit rock bottom and get tired of feeling badly you'll realize this, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with your life. Nobody else is going to do it for you.

 

And BTW, if someone can affect you this way, it's a sure sign you were depent on them for your happiness. That's not a healthy state to be in. You must be able to make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy.

 

A good analogy: When you're on a flight and the attendent is going through the safety booklet, he/she tells you what to do when the oxygen masks drop. What do they tell you?

 

"Put your mask on first, then assist other passengers."

 

Your life is like that as well. Unless you take care of yourself and can make yourself happy, you won't be able to make anyone else happy. And given your current state, do you think your ex would be happy to come back? She doesn't want to be with a man who's down in the dumps. Women want a confident/happy guy.

 

You have to learn how to be that way and it starts with focusing on yourself and your needs.

 

 

Well, I'll tell you one thing. Right now, I DON'T have a high level of self-confidence, yet I AM viewing the world differently, especially the female race. And yes, I am scrutinizing women a lot differently, but it's probably not the same (positive) way as what you're referring to. This breakup has left a really bitter taste in my mouth. Not only regarding my ex, but the rest of the female population as well. I hate to think that every woman is like my ex, but my perception is thrown way off balance. But hey, can you blame me? I just hope that my view towards women will become less negative as time goes by. I sincerely HATE what my ex has done to me (the person)!

 

No, I can't blame you, I've been there. However, instead of being bitter or angry, I decided to direct my energy towards healing myself and rebuilding my confidence and self-esteem. I realized it wasn't going to happen by magic, on it's own or by someone else.

 

Only *I* am capable of repairing my heart. Nobody else.

 

 

So, in other words, don't allow yourself to revolve your life around your ex, but instead make her revolve around you? I guess this all comes down to control, correct?

 

No. What it means is don't let yourself revolve around her. If she has strong confidence and self esteem, she will try and get you to revolve around her. It's a dance, like all relationships. If one person starts leading too much, it becomes a chase. Nobody likes being over-pursued.

 

Be the star, not the planet.

 

Boy, you must really know her by now. I'm glad you're basing your postings on a more fuller understanding of the type of person she really is.

 

This is the woman that was looking for someone to take care of her, right? The one that wanted to get pregnant. And when she wasn't getting what she wanted from you, she dropped you and moved in with another guy, got pregnant and moved to CA? Correct? I'm basing my opinion off everything you've told us. If you're holding back info that isn't helping us help you.

 

And that's what were trying to do. Help you, not chastise or judge you.

 

As for her being shallow, the night we decided to take a break, we laid all our cards on the table. So, many things were said. I let her know one of the things that was bothering me, and she responded with "do you really think I'm that shallow?". So, even then I must've known on some level just how shallow she was. All I know is that with her new relationship, she GOT California and all of the surrounding luxuries. Basically, something I couldn't offer her back east. Bottom line, you can run away to another place, but you can't run away from yourself!

 

I dunno. Based of what you've told us, she seems very shallow.

 

I really don't think so. It was actually a relief to find out that her second e-mail only pertained to her sister. How do you think I would feel, knowing that the guy she dumps me for, she ends up MARRYING? It's one thing losing an ex to someone else, and the both of them eventually end up breaking up. At least you get to have SOME satisfaction knowing that your ex is experiencing the same pain she once put you through. However, it's a COMPLETELY different story, knowing that your ex dumps you and marries the next guy. It's bad enough she tore my heart out of my chest and made me feel worthless. Marrying her new guy would be the biggest slap in my face. The only positive spin I could put on that would be that I laid down the foundation for her new "happiness".

 

If it was meant to be, it would have happened. But, given everything that's happened, somewhere deep inside your soul you know she isn't the right woman for you.

 

I say this because I know for a fact that she was the happiest with me, more than any of her 20 or so previous boyfriends.

 

Maybe, but she's not with you now. Remember that.

 

So it would be a nice transition for her to go from me to him, since she had already established a sense of happiness with me. At least that's the way I would like to view it if she ends up marrying HIM. As for closure, I don't think I'll ever get that.

 

Nobody can give you closure. You have to find it within yourself. When you take back control of your emotions from her, you'll get your closure.

 

Are you referring to a guy's rational thinking regarding women? And my ex was exactly the way as you described in the scenario. She even went as far as to change herself into someone whom she thought I would love and be happy with. I didn't realize this until the end, which was too late. It was as if I fell in love with a false representation of herself. She rarely disagreed or said "no", and made sure that I was always pleased with her and that she made me happy. I guess she figured that I wouldn't love the "real" her, so she wore another face, one that ensured my love for her. I guess after a while it was too much for her to bear. And I never asked for any of that either. But I hear she does that with all guys.

 

She's dysfunctional. Knowing this, why would you want to put yourself through all this grief? Dysfunctional people are not capable of healthy relationships. My ex is dysfunctional and the only reason I could relate to her was because *I* was dysfunctional as well. Every day that I get healthy and improve I can see how screwed up I was and why I wouldn't want to be with my ex the way she is. It would never work no matter how hard I tried.

 

So, by me not responding to either of my ex's e-mails, will she get the sense that she's not important to me anymore? I just wish I knew what is going through her head with the lack of my replies.

 

Instead of focusing on what she is thinking, you should focus on healing yourself. You can not control how she feels and you can't read her mind. At this point, who cares what she's thinking? Put the focus on yourself. Heal up and follow the second chance guide. You may end up back with her again (though I doubt it) but unless you get healthy, you won't be ready when Ms. Right does come along.