Looking for a women's perspective on getting approached by men

[MikeViper]

Well, in an effort to improve my approach with girls, I'm interested in knowing how women feel when they are approached by guys. Firstly, when a random guy, that you don't know, gives you eye contact or some sort of indication that he's about to approach you, how do you take that, do you think the thought of a random guy approaching you is weird? Or do you think of it as a good thing? That's something I'd really like to know. Also when a guy approaches you and says something along the lines of "Hey, what's your name?", what do you think about him? Knowing a womans perspective on this would really help. Thirdly, what kind of stuff do you like to talk about with guys and what kind of stuff makes you interested? Conversation and building interest are two of my biggest problems when approaching women and having a womens perspective on that sort of thing, would definitely help me improve.

 

Also, I want to know how I can improve on my typical approach with women and make it more interesting. I'm not good at making interesting conversation with girls that I don't know, because I don't know what they like to talk about and I usually get stuck and end the conversation if I can't think of anything to say and because of this, my conversations with women usually end up being boring. Here's how I typically approach women and as you can see, it doesn't get me good results.

Me: Hey, what's your name?

Girl: [Name]

Me: Ah, that's cool. I'm Mike.

Me: So, how's it going, [Name]?

Girl: [Responds]

After the girl responds there's usually an awkward silence, because I can't really think of anything to talk about. So should I just straight out ask the girl what she's interested in or is there another way? Knowing this would really improve my conversational skills with women. Also, if I know the girl has some of the same interests as me, for instance I know a lot of girls that do band and track? What's a good way to start conversation with them? I was thinking of just asking them, "Hey, so you do track/band right?" and just start a conversation from there.

[whats wrong with me]

how women feel when they are approached by guys. i am flattered (evenif the guy is ugly) , do you think the thought of a random guy approaching you is weird? not at all, how else are you gonna find your soulmate? Or do you think of it as a good thing? yes . Also when a guy approaches you and says something along the lines of "Hey, what's your name?", what do you think about him? it depends, if hes speaking like a human ...I like it, if hes talking all gangster...I hate it and its a real turn off Knowing a womans perspective on this would really help. Thirdly, what kind of stuff do you like to talk about with guys and what kind of stuff makes you interested? anything except small talk .

 

, "Hey, so you do track/band right?" and just start a conversation from there.

I think thats a pretty good idea, also asking what kind of movie she likes or talking about movies you like is a good conversation started and can also lead to a date if you find a movie you both want to go see!!!

[lindya]

Well, in an effort to improve my approach with girls, I'm interested in knowing how women feel when they are approached by guys. Firstly, when a random guy, that you don't know, gives you eye contact or some sort of indication that he's about to approach you, how do you take that, do you think the thought of a random guy approaching you is weird? Or do you think of it as a good thing?

 

There's no particular feeling other than a sort of mental "preparation".

eg To appear approachable, if it's someone who's an appealing prospect, friendly but guarded if it's someone who provokes a relatively neutral response, cold and abrupt if it's an antagonistic drunk who looks like he's searching for someone to argue with and has selected me as his target for the night.

[HotCaliGirl]

I agree wtih Lindya. It's all about the vibes he gives off. If he looks creepy, I'll look away. If he's friendly and his approach comes off naturally, then unless the girl is antisocial she will in some way respond, even if it is to show she's not interested. You could say "have we met before, you look familiar" lol

[riobikini]

HotCaliGirl: " ....his approach comes off naturally..."

 

'Ping'!

 

This is what will always get the ball rolling with me as a background support for the obvious positive things, Lindya mentioned.

 

-Rio

[qnmc]

Alright, in the name of full disclosure, I'm a 30 year old guy, but in the most humble sense I have good luck chatting up females who are complete strangers.

 

First and foremost, you want to keep things light and funny - no serious stuff.

 

Secondly, I find that starting off a conversation with a comment having to do with something observational (hopefully somewhat funny) about your surroundings is the most natural way to get a conversation going with anyone.

 

Thirdly, she will help you with the conversation if she is interested. If not, you'll know to just move on.

 

Lastly, unless you're feeling really ambitious and looking to take her home that evening (you're at a bar or a party for instance), make it short and sweet. I keep those conversations to less than 10 minutes. 5 minutes if I can.

 

Here's something I wrote in a similar thread. It was an answer to a younger guy who was looking for any advice on approaching girls, so some of it may not apply to you:

 

The other piece of advice I would give is to practice talking to anyone anywhere. You want to initially focus on people who are non-threatening (male and female), like the clerk in the checkout line at the grocery store, the person at Starbuck's who's making your coffee, etc. Get my drift here? Especially practice making great conversations with females you aren't interested in - focus on making them laugh. Once you get good at conversation with strangers who you aren't intimidated by it makes it a heck of a lot easier to strike up a conversation with that cute girl in the corner. By talking to anyone anywhere you'll probably make more friends as well. These friends may set you up with their friends, which is a ton easier than meeting someone out of the blue. And when you do strike up a conversation with someone out of the blue you'll have made so many friends you may have a friend in common, which almost immediately makes you less of a stranger to the girl.

 

Also, in the privacy of your own home, write out 10 to 20 ways you can get a conversation going and how the conversation might go. Literally write out a mini screenplay. This way you have some material. Usually the best route to go when starting a conversation is by bringing up something observational about where you are. For instance, if I'm at a bar that is way too crowded I might say something playfully sarcastic like, "wow, I think they need to get more people in here." I was once at a bar watching a band play and then walked over to the bar to grab a drink. It was taking forever. I noticed this really cute blonde standing next to me. We made eye contact and I said, "So how many songs do you think it will be before we get a drink?" We ended up going out a few times. Just remember to deliver these beginnings in a playfully sarcastic way.

 

Accept the fact, though, that you'll always have a few butterflies. When I get those butterflies I've actually switched my mode of thinking from "run away" to a cue that I need to go over and talk to that person.

[alphamale]

Thirdly, she will help you with the conversation if she is interested. If not, you'll know to just move on..

after a man has had enough experience it'll take about 30 seconds to pick up on the above.

[Pyro]

after a man has had enough experience it'll take about 30 seconds to pick up on the above.

 

For the most part. I have met some females in the past that have given me some weird signals. I couldn't tell whether or not they were interested. A few ended up being interested and a few did not.

[alphamale]

For the most part. I have met some females in the past that have given me some weird signals. I couldn't tell whether or not they were interested. A few ended up being interested and a few did not.

women always give mixed signals but if they genuinely dig a particular dude they'll make it quite easy for him to move forward.

[Yamaha]

She will help you with the conversation if she is interested. If not, you'll know to just move on.

 

This is so true. If she wants your attention she will help you out. If she just lets you crash and burn she wasn't interested and you just say " thanks for your time" and walk away. You pick up conversation clues from her responses to your inquires. When you asked "how's it going?" and she responds you pick up on something she said and expound on that. This will usually result in more conversation and before you know it you are becoming comfortable and able to talk a blue streak.

 

A good ice breaker to approach a table with more than one girl is to take a chair with you and say " is this seat taken?" and sit down. They will laugh and you are on your way to some good convo.

[Cool Chick]

Lindya and HotCaliGirl have good points from a woman’s perspective. No one wants an arrogant jerk approach them, or someone who can’t hold a reasonable level of conversation. One thing that I don’t appreciate when a strange guy approaches me is if he gets right in my personal space. There’s a guy I know who’s attractive and seems pretty nice, but when you talk with him he gets so close to you that it’s uncomfortable. I don’t mind chatting but I don’t want to have to breath in every word you say *lol*

 

CC

[riobikini]

Yamaha, qnmc...you guys have the inside track on starting off on the right track with this....very 'spot on'.

 

Good job!

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[qnmc]

9 times out of 10 people "respond in-kind". What this means is that if you bring a playful fun attitude to a conversation, 9 times out of 10 you'll get that in return. If you bring a defeatest, almost apologetic, attitude - expect to get dissed. I've seen way too many guys, me included in my younger days, approach females as if they're looking for approval. Remember that you are just as much of a catch as she is - and morning, noon, and night remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, etc. until you believe it (because it's true). Write them down if you have to and recite them to yourself in the mirror (trust me it works - coming off a breakup I did this to build myself back up - felt cheesy the first couple of time but I'm glad I did it).

[riobikini]

RE:

 

qnmc: " 9 times out of 10 people "respond in-kind". What this means is that if you bring a playful fun attitude to a conversation, 9 times out of 10 you'll get that in return. If you bring a defeatest, almost apologetic, attitude - expect to get dissed. I've seen way too many guys, me included in my younger days, approach females as if they're looking for approval. Remember that you are just as much of a catch as she is - and morning, noon, and night remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, etc. until you believe it (because it's true). Write them down if you have to and recite them to yourself in the mirror (trust me it works - coming off a breakup I did this to build myself back up - felt cheesy the first couple of time but I'm glad I did it). "

 

 

Again, qnmc, I am highly impressed with your wisdom on this topic.

 

This could wind up being a very popular thread for reference.

 

At least, I'm hoping so, -given all the good advice, here.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Lights]

This post here is of interest to me, so I've jumped in at this point.

 

9 times out of 10 people "respond in-kind".

 

I'll have to disagree here; you're making an assumption that the approach to a stranger actually results in conversation, which generally isn't the case--most often, approaches by strangers are outright ignored.

 

Perhaps it is the case that in the small off-chance that the person actually responds at all to one's greeting and a conversation that is not only non-hostile but also actually sociable in nature happens to be a result of it, then people might "respond in kind".

[riobikini]

A 'thank you' is normally followed by a 'you're welcome'.

 

In kind.

 

At least, where I come from.

 

-Rio

[qnmc]

Lights - you may or may not get into a deep and long conversation with someone, obviously it takes 2. my point is that by knowing people respond in kind it takes a lot of the pressure off. all of a sudden that gorgeous girl isn't someone who will bite your head clean off if you dare to approach her.

 

It's really rare that I've ever approached someone and been ignored, whether it was for romantic reasons, making a new pal, or just chatting up the starbuck's barista.

 

how are you approaching? what is your mindset when you approach a person? maybe try to be somewhat of an objective observer of yourself and what you're feeling next time you approach (this is what i do - and it gives me a sense of power over my nervousness, that i can better control it). people tend to project outwardly what we're feeling inside. so if you're feeling really nervous (which is pretty normal when approaching someone you're interested in) and haven't figured out how to "fake it 'til you make it," it's going to be picked up by her/him.

[qnmc]

thanks, rio, i was so thoroughly surprised by my last breakup i used a lot of that negative energy one has coming out of a breakup to make a "study," if you will, of relationships - kind of led me to reading a lot on psych and sociology. i guess i want to make sure i do everything i can to minimize the mistakes i've made in relationships for the sake of future relationships.

 

everything i've written here i've put into practice. i definitely don't profess to be an expert, but i figured i'd share what's worked for me (trust me, there's been a lot of trial and error )

 

i definitely turned a mental corner when i started to accept both genders for the way they are instead of wishing they could be this way or that way.

 

if we know the rules of the game, i.e. how both genders are wired, we can make much better decisions in the future.

[Lights]

A 'thank you' is normally followed by a 'you're welcome'.

In kind.

At least, where I come from.

-Rio

That's not how it seems to work out here. I guess I need to move.

 

Lights - you may or may not get into a deep and long conversation with someone, obviously it takes 2.

It takes two in any case, regardless of the length of conversation, provided, of course, that it happens.

 

It's really rare that I've ever approached someone and been ignored, whether it was for romantic reasons, making a new pal, or just chatting up the starbuck's barista.

Impressive. People must be friendlier where you come from. Where I've been based, for things like a friendly hi or other such approach, being ignored or rejected outright is the rule and not the exception.

 

how are you approaching?

Any of many ways. Saying hi or the equivalent while crossing paths (this requires a situation in which one's intended walking directions and locations lend itself to that), a straight up introduction, or a comment on something nearby (this requires something to comment on), or whatever comes to mind.

 

what is your mindset when you approach a person? maybe try to be somewhat of an objective observer of yourself and what you're feeling next time you approach (this is what i do - and it gives me a sense of power over my nervousness, that i can better control it).

 

This is interesting. I actually don't know how to do this. Usually social situations simply move too quickly for me to be able to consciously think in such a manner. How specifically is this done?

 

Thanks all.

[riobikini]

RE:

 

qnmc: " thanks, rio, i was so thoroughly surprised by my last breakup i used a lot of that negative energy one has coming out of a breakup to make a "study," if you will, of relationships - kind of led me to reading a lot on psych and sociology. i guess i want to make sure i do everything i can to minimize the mistakes i've made in relationships for the sake of future relationships. "

 

Recommended first step is to do your homework, -this is, if you're really serious about 'getting it right'.

 

Good Job!

 

qnmc: " everything i've written here i've put into practice. i definitely don't profess to be an expert, but i figured i'd share what's worked for me (trust me, there's been a lot of trial and error ) "

 

No one here should come across as the be-all, end-all expert -this is only a board that draws on offerings of personal experiences, insight, and stories from everyday individuals.

 

And thank you for sharing, -when we're in 'sharing mode' it can be a positive experience that, sometimes, works as our own self-help 'therapy', -not to mention the good it does for others needing the knowledge.

 

 

qnmc: " i definitely turned a mental corner when i started to accept both genders for the way they are instead of wishing they could be this way or that way.

 

if we know the rules of the game, i.e. how both genders are wired, we can make much better decisions in the future."

 

That particular acceptance and understanding (what you can, as you grow) regarding the natural traits and characteristics of the genders can alleviate alot of stress from our lives, and pave the way towards better, more successful and fulfilling relationships of all types, -with ourselves, as well as others.

 

You are a gem.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[qnmc]

"How specifically is this done?"

 

What I am getting at here is to take notice of any feelings that are contrary to how you feel when you feel centered and comfortable, such as nervousness, aprehension, fear, etc. - really any feelings that have you some how "off" from feeling comfortable.

 

Let's say I want to approach an attractive female at a party. It's normal to feel nervous, as one of the key fears that we all as humans face is that of rejection. Now this is something I picked up from PsychologyToday.com... I literally tell myself (in my head, that is, not out loud) "I am feeling nervous." In recognizing and labeling a feeling it gives me a certain sense of power over it. It's as if I've taken a mental step back from myself and am kind of watching me. In this observer role I can do a quick analysis - "ok, should I really be nervous? is she going to smack me? is she going to scream at me for having the nerve to talk to her?" Then I'm able to see that I'm being irrational about it. I'm not saying the nevousness goes away, but this split-second mental step back takes a lot of the bite out of it. The result is that I'm better able to manage the feeling.

 

Not to get too technical here, but we've essentially got two brains - the rational brain and the emotional brain. Usually they function in balance. However, in situations that might cause us stress - like approaching that perfect 10 - your "fight or flight" response is triggered, the emotional brain takes over, and you feel what is called "flooding" - your heart rate gets kicked up, you're not thinking as cool and clearly as you normally do, and you're ready to run away or fight.

 

For me, knowing what is going on from a physiological perspective when I start to get nervous about approaching someone, I'm able to recognize that I'm starting to get "flooded." The earlier you catch yourself getting flooded the easier it is to manage. I can tell myself "hey, I'm getting flooded" and then I'm on my way to lessening the nervousness.

[MikeViper]

Thing is with me, is that a lot of girls seem to think I'm "retarded" because I'm on this special program and the fact that my voice is slow really doesn't help. They assume that "special" means "retarded" when the program is really just for normal kids who have certain learning disabilities and need extra help, but it's not for "retarded" kids like people presume. There are actually even a lot of bullies that hang with girls that I like and call me "retarded" because of my slow voice and obviously, if the guy making the jokes thinks I'm retarded, the hot girl will probably think so too. Not everyone thinks that way, but a lot kids actually do and I want to know, if a girl thinks your special or something, how do you send her the message, "I'm just a regular guy". Also, how do you break the ice with a girl? Make her feel comfortable with you? Make her feel, "Hmm... this is no regular guy, but a guy who knows what hes doing?", knowing that would greatly help my game.

[konfuzd]

The most important thing is to approach a girl honestly and with some self confidence...

 

A few years ago, I went out with a co-worker, and his group of friends I had never met before. There was one guy who noticed that I was being rather quiet, as I was kind of shy around all these new people. He simply came over, sat next to me, and said something like, 'I don't think I know you, my name is Chuck, how do you know these people?' The thing was, he talked with a stutter, and it seemed like a lot of effort for him to speak. What I admired was his confidence, and his honest approach. I knew it wasn't some pre-fabricated line he'd used on several women before, and the fact that he didn't make an issue out of the stutter made it a non-issue for us, and we ended up having a great night, and went out a couple times afterwards.

 

I think for me, the most effective approaches have been the simplest. A stranger saying, "hey, how's it going" will always get a lot further than some cheesy pick up line or some forced compliment. Good luck.

[HotCaliGirl]

The most important thing is to approach a girl honestly and with some self confidence...

Personally I disagree w/ the confidence part of it. When a guy comes across 100% comfortable approaching me as a stranger for the first time, I wonder if he is just a player with me as the fifth person he's appraoched that day, and get put off. I could almost see a "Proceed with Caution" sign on his forehead. If he's a little nervous but I can see he's trying his best, I get more interested and respond with friendliness instead of give him a "whatever" look.