Have not filed yet...

[goober]

but in all likelyhood, I will fairly soon. My wife and I have not been close for several years now, and over the past year we drifted further and further apart. I told her after Christmas that I felt the marriage was over, but was willing to stick around until early summer to see how things were. She suggested counseling, and I readily agreed. And, for some background, we have one child (5) and outside of our home, no debt to speak of.

 

Since my proclamation to her, she has changed her attitude towards me...but at times she is far more resentful towards me. I have been numb to her; nothing she has done has changed my outlook or opinion on our marriage. The counseling sessions helped me tremendously; but as far as making me want to be with my wife, they have not. I will say the solo sessions have been far more productive for me than the joint sessions.

 

I have already retained an attorney, and we no longer have any bills with both of our names on them any longer (mortgage in my name only now) and I have been paying all the bills for 9 months now. Yes, my wife works..has had same job for 13 years now.

 

The counselor and I have also met a few times that my wife is not aware of....she did not tell me to run for the hills, but she could see how frustrated I was with my wife. She asked my wife in one of our joint sessions why she even married me, if I had all the faults she had elaborated on.

 

Last fall, I posted in the other man/woman forum about two affairs that I had since last summer. Both are over with, and there is no one else in my life now.

 

One last thing, and I will get off of here and await responses. My wife has said some incredibly hurtful things over the past 2 months...many of them concerning my immediate family. She also confessed to not loving me at all for almost 2 years, and she "faked" love with me, because she did not want me to leave her, nor did she consider leaving me herself, in spite of what she felt. Finally, her mother has gotten incredibly involved with our situation, to the detriment of whatever was left of our marriage.

 

Thoughts? Opinions?

[whats wrong with me]

not that I'm siding with your wife but I would say some incredibly hurtful things too if you had told me

after Christmas that you felt the marriage was over, but was willing to stick around until early summer to see how things were.

Thats just sh****,

"Last fall, I posted in the other man/woman forum about two affairs that I had since last summer

" and you ask us why your drifting apart from your wife?

 

Quite possibly its you not your wife/marriage, thats my thought and opinion, maybe someone else will tell you your doing the right thing...not me!

[goober]

We had drifted apart long before the affairs. We took a trip last summer...over 2 weeks. The entire time, the trip felt like I was on a vacation with my aunt, or mom. Not a single kiss, etc.

 

As far as the comment regarding what I had told her in after Christmas, yeah it was pretty classless. However, in fairness to me, I was willing to see if my feelings for her changed--they have not.

 

And, as for hurtful things, for an example:

 

She told me the story of my mother's alleged infidelities-and of at least one marriage my mother had broken up-and the fact she knew of these for 14 years-even though my sister and my brother had never heard of this (we are from a small town and one of us would have heard of this by now). While she was telling me this, she was letting me know that my mother was a slut, etc. What this had to do with our situation, I will never know. Just figured she wanted to draw some blood from me.

[whats wrong with me]

I'm sure she did (want to draw blood), if your mom is a soft point for you thats exactly why she said those things (maybe so you will hurt as bad as she does) That sucks about the vacation but I really cant feel sorry for you. If what you say is true that you drifted apart way before the affairs....do you think the affairs helped? is it possible she suspected you were screwing around?

 

I'll tell you why I just cant side with you....I gave my h everything imaginable, I worked my ass off for him took care of the house the kids without any appreciation from him. I let myself go, while I was busy taking care of him I forgot about me, I looked like crap and was always tired. He became uninterested in me and our family and started cheating. I suspected he was screwing around for a couple of years before I lost it. I distanced myself from him because I hurt so bad...I thought if I stayed away from him it wouldnt feel so bad.

 

looking back I see it was both of our faults. thats why I really cant side with you or your wife. My question is why have you stayed this long, or why both of you have stayed together...it seems you've already split up (bills and such). I do think because she suggested counsling she still wants you.

 

What do you really want?

[climbergirl]

but in all likelyhood, I will fairly soon. My wife and I have not been close for several years now, and over the past year we drifted further and further apart. I told her after Christmas that I felt the marriage was over, but was willing to stick around until early summer to see how things were. She suggested counseling, and I readily agreed. And, for some background, we have one child (5) and outside of our home, no debt to speak of.

 

Since my proclamation to her, she has changed her attitude towards me...but at times she is far more resentful towards me. I have been numb to her; nothing she has done has changed my outlook or opinion on our marriage. The counseling sessions helped me tremendously; but as far as making me want to be with my wife, they have not. I will say the solo sessions have been far more productive for me than the joint sessions.

 

I have already retained an attorney, and we no longer have any bills with both of our names on them any longer (mortgage in my name only now) and I have been paying all the bills for 9 months now. Yes, my wife works..has had same job for 13 years now.

 

The counselor and I have also met a few times that my wife is not aware of....she did not tell me to run for the hills, but she could see how frustrated I was with my wife. She asked my wife in one of our joint sessions why she even married me, if I had all the faults she had elaborated on.

 

Last fall, I posted in the other man/woman forum about two affairs that I had since last summer. Both are over with, and there is no one else in my life now.

 

One last thing, and I will get off of here and await responses. My wife has said some incredibly hurtful things over the past 2 months...many of them concerning my immediate family. She also confessed to not loving me at all for almost 2 years, and she "faked" love with me, because she did not want me to leave her, nor did she consider leaving me herself, in spite of what she felt. Finally, her mother has gotten incredibly involved with our situation, to the detriment of whatever was left of our marriage.

 

Thoughts? Opinions?

 

How did this happen? My understanding is that she would have to sign away her rights to the house (off the deed). How did this transpire? Very unusual.

[dgiirl]

goober, why did you come here? Not to be rude or anything, i'm just wondering what you want help in? Are you posting in hopes of saving your marriage? Are you posting in hopes for someone to side with you? What is it that you are looking for?

 

Of course your wife is resentful towards you. She's angry. And this probably hit her out of nowhere. She probably wasnt fully expecting it, so she's angry. She's probably hurting very deeply and she's attacking. You've acknowledge to cheating, which i hope you know was the wrong thing to do, and definitely caused some more distance between the two of you. You complain that you two went on vacation and you felt like she was your aunt. What have YOU done to spice things up? If you are looking for happiness, a lot of that resides on YOUR shoulders, not hers. You can control a lot of your happiness by changing your perspective on the situation. It sounds like your relationship has become stale. News flash, you're not the first for this to happen. Now you have to make a difficult decision. Either work with your wife to bring back the spark, or bail ship and start all over again. Remember tho, if you start all over again with someone new, what makes you think that new relationship wont hit a wall in 5-10 years from now? I dont think the answer is divorce. It's learning to make yourself happy by changing your perspective, and figuring out what BOTH of you need to make the relationship work.

[Spacekase]

I'm not in the "pile on Goober" camp, though it does sound like you've been a creep at times. In separation/divorce, in all but the most extreme circumstances, either or both people will end up being creeps at some point or another. I have personal experience with this.... and a tortured thread on Loveshack to prove it!

 

I'm surprised you are still with her, even nominally. I mean.... dude, two affairs in one summer?!? That's if I understand you correctly. The fact that she is even speaking to you tells me she (perhaps you as well) is still trying to keep things together. Why, I have no idea. Seems like you, at least, have given up on the relationship. Given what you've said, I would say the affairs were symptoms than causes. But that doesn't mean I condone them.

 

I suggest not fretting about the hateful things she's done or the bad things you've done. It will only make things emotionally worse for both of you. I'm separated too and no doubt you know what I mean when I say that you just get sick of the endless cycle. By definition, people breaking up will do and say things to distance themselves from each other. Your tone indicates you don't particularly care how she feels about you. At this point it seems you guys are splitsville in all but name. The details are all that remain.

 

Focus on your kid... you don't want to be a deadbeat dad or absent from his/her life do you? Hopefully you and Mom can get over the distrust and ill will you have both generated, if only to create a decent life for your flesh and blood. If you can't see your marriage working, then you should at least try to work with this person whom you once loved (and with whom you made a child) to work for your kid's best interests. It is in both of your interests.

 

I urge you to consider living arrangements: custody, visitation, civility and generally burying your differences. This is not only in the interests of your kid, but should also include both of you "letting go" so that you can find new mates. There are enough fu*#d up kids in this world without warring parents creating a new generation of hurt offspring.

 

Of course, nothing is ever as simple as people writing anonymous advice on the 'Net to you would have you believe! Myself no exception!

 

Best of luck to you. I believe that the only future for you two is in your mutual interest in your child, not in being together.

[goober]

I'll answer a few questions some of you had....

 

Regarding the mortgage...my wife quit paying the bills last summer. Seems she had put herself (and me) around 20K in the hole and did not bother to tell me. I got a "pre-foreclosure" notice in the mail from the mortgage company...and she promptly lied to me about paying the house payment. Needless to say, she did not ruin my credit, but came close. We even had our water turned off at the house, because she did pay the water bill--and then she blamed me on the fact the water was turned off.

 

Thankfully, my bank gave me a new home mortgage--but it had to be in my name only, because her credit is so poor now--she had a bankruptcy before we were married--we could not get a loan in both of our names combined. AND I had to use the equity to pay off all the messes she had made in both of our names. Yeah, her name is on the deed--but my atty says that since I have taken the burden of all the marital debt by myself, and that she cannot afford the mortgage on her own, then its my place. Unless of course, it is ordered sold...which is fine with me.

 

As far as telling my mom what she said, there would be a killing. It would get very UGLY.

 

Finally, as for my daughter, yes...I want to be very involved in her life as much as I can. The attorney and the counselor have both stated to me that I could expect joint custody, even though she would be the custodial parent. And quite frankly, I would have left long ago, if not for her. Of course, when the spouse tells you things like...you will never see her, etc. it makes me wonder. She is not a threat to move away from here-perhaps 30 miles or so--for she has too many family members around and she will not leave them. But I can see her using my daughter against me.

 

 

On the affairs...I never believed in my life that I would have been capable of that. It's not something I am proud of, let me tell you. But they happened, and they are over with.

[whats wrong with me]

You never did answer what YOU want?..... from here or your relationship.

 

You make it out that your wife is a bum, which she may be.... a lousey wife.

 

Do you want to work it out with her or just leave?

 

I dont know how to get the link to put you at this suggestion but here.... one of the last posters gave a suggestion (a little crazy) that could work.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t83965/

[whats wrong with me]

I think I got it...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=14474