Men and women cant be 'just friends'

[lindya]

Reading all the posts here makes me wonder how my female friend is thinking of me. May be she is laughing behind my back.... I

 

I doubt it. I think she's just a rather mixed up and self-absorbed girl who sees you as her security blanket.

[Yamaha]

It just shows that many of these women have some level of disrespect and disdain for their male "friends".

 

I agree Alpha. Let your women friend get around a guy they see as a real man and the male friend will feel like a prickless fool.

 

Noclobber. You need to stop your relationship with this women because, like Lindya stated, she is probably using you as an emotional crutch. If you are comfortable in this role then go with it but I think you are not happy so you need to think about your needs and lose the chick or you will never find a gal that really deserves you. IT is TIME to think of YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

[noclobber]

I agree Alpha. Let your women friend get around a guy they see as a real man and the male friend will feel like a prickless fool.

 

Noclobber. You need to stop your relationship with this women because, like Lindya stated, she is probably using you as an emotional crutch. If you are comfortable in this role then go with it but I think you are not happy so you need to think about your needs and lose the chick or you will never find a gal that really deserves you. IT is TIME to think of YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

 

Thank you. She keeps saying we are friends and puts in lot of effort to keep the friendship. But I suspected there was something more than "just friendship" especially from the way she hounds me. I guess there is some sort of an emotional dependency that she has developed on me. Last week there was just one day when we didn't meet, didn't email, and didn't text each other. By evening she sent me a message - "I haven't talked to you all day how is it going". Would "friends" bother so much if there was just one day they didn't meet or talk?

 

I am done with this person!

[Pyro]

so then what's the point in having any relationship with them? women are for having sex with and not for being "friends" with.

 

Good thing that this is only your opinion and not reality.

 

I do agree that it is not the best idea in the world to be friends with someone that you have an attraction to. I know that some can handle it, but me, I would have difficulty. I tried to be friends with one of my ex's, but that was a disaster.

[monkey00]

Reading all the posts here makes me wonder how my female friend is thinking of me. May be she is laughing behind my back.... I guess I am gonna cut off my friendship with her and save my pride. Female friends are not worth it if so many games are being played.

 

yes women can be manipulative and have hidden agendas, but i wouldnt easily sort them out to be disrespectful. However there's always a line to draw with any type of friendship, if they disrespect you, you dont take their crap and bring up the topic or you walk away.

 

Unfortunately my last attempt at being friends with this girl was ended on my terms. But because of everything she's done while i knew her, and the type of person she was...she would be a worthless friend. if my friendship mattered that much to her she would've convinced me to stay, but it seemed like she didnt care either way.

 

No person is your friend if they keep throwing tests at you. women are guilty of this all the time, whether or not they consciously know it.

 

Thank you. She keeps saying we are friends and puts in lot of effort to keep the friendship. But I suspected there was something more than "just friendship" especially from the way she hounds me. I guess there is some sort of an emotional dependency that she has developed on me. Last week there was just one day when we didn't meet, didn't email, and didn't text each other. By evening she sent me a message - "I haven't talked to you all day how is it going". Would "friends" bother so much if there was just one day they didn't meet or talk?

 

I am done with this person!

 

in most cases, opposite sex friendships can offer each other emotional dependency. Whether or not you see yourself being used is up to you, if you use each other, then it's a healthy friendship.

 

however if one person is more selfish and cares more about their own needs than yours, it isnt a healthy friendship at all. that's definitely using you.

 

unfortunately nowadays, people dont understand the definition of being friends anymore. it's become such a broad term

[monkey00]

 

So I start talking with her and she introduces her male companion as just a friend. As in: "This is Bob, he's just a good friend of mine...". The look on his face was priceless, like he had been reduced to a sack of potatoes.

 

 

great example...women do this all the time. they let the guy follow them around, while he assumes one thing...but alas he's just another one of her victims used to boost her ego (or show off).

 

When such a thing happens, it IS disrespectful. im surprised even after that, the guy even stuck around...he shouldve been off chatting up some other girl.

 

But to her, if there was anything 'more than friends', she would call him by his name, or 'this is my bf'.

 

IT is TIME to think of YOU and YOUR NEEDS.

that's the continuous problem of nice guys. they shoudl learn to be more selfish and less giving, aimed towards their needs.

Today's society has brainwashed guys that dont know how to be men. The only way to climb back up as a man is to be hurt by a woman they liked , and become a man.

Once you learn to fall, you learn from your mistakes.

 

overall, it seems that the healthier a person is emotionally/mentally. hte more giving they are.

women that disrespect guys like these tend to have low self-esteem. nothing can save them, their ego gets fed by using guys that allow them to.

[amerikajin]

well that must be an unspoken rule that many women don't know of....these poor guys are following these women areound like puppy dogs hoping one day she'll love them. it just shows that many of these women have some level of disrepect and disdain for their male "friends".

 

In most cases alpha, one person has the walk-away power while the other lives in fear of being abandoned. What I am saying is that one or the other person likes his/her partner more than she/he in return. Because women devote much more of their earlier lives to trying to read people's thoughts and feelings, women usually get this stuff a lot more than men do.

 

That's why when a woman expresses some initial interest, a man has to be sure he doesn't come on too strong, because she'll know that she's got the advantage. Women don't want the advantage, they want to know that they're equal to their mate - nothing more, nothing less. If a woman backs off, a man has to back off as well. That in and of itself doesn't guarantee anything, except that she will pick up on your cues and see you as someone who isn't going to just roll over and let her win in the relationship - it's a seemingly minor message you're sending, but a very important one.

 

That dude you were referring to had no clue. She was playing with him the way a cat toys with a mouse, doing so almost out of sheer instinct, without really any malice of forethought. The thing is - and I never understood this until say a couple of years ago - a guy hanging out with a lot of women doesn't really look good in the eyes of a lot of women, especially the hot ones. He either comes across as an insecure guy who has to prove to himself that he's some kind of 'don', or more likely, it shows that he's not man enough to be around other men, which makes him look like a 'nice guy'...and we all know how that story unfolds. I always had dude friends but I hafta say that I don't really hang around ladies as friends as much anymore. I keep my romances and friends separate.

[noclobber]

Thanks everyone!

 

The problem with my female friend is not that she disrespects me or anything. The problem is that she is "too nice". She has already said that she can't date me b'cos of religious differences. Fine, I have accepted that. But as a 'friend' she wants to see me for lunch and/or coffee 3 or 4 times in a week (this has been going on for 6 months now); I am the first person she calls if she wants to go to a game/movie/concert; If I say I may have to go back to my country she will say 'You are breaking my heart'; If I say I may get a new job and be a bit far away from her she will say 'We should still meet for lunch everyday. We shud atleast take the train and meet'.

 

So these are some of the things that make me wonder whether she really likes me as a friend and does/say all those things OR is there a hidden agenda behind all this. I am unable to figure out.

[monkey00]

Thanks everyone!

 

The problem with my female friend is not that she disrespects me or anything. The problem is that she is "too nice". She has already said that she can't date me b'cos of religious differences. Fine, I have accepted that. But as a 'friend' she wants to see me for lunch and/or coffee 3 or 4 times in a week (this has been going on for 6 months now); I am the first person she calls if she wants to go to a game/movie/concert; If I say I may have to go back to my country she will say 'You are breaking my heart'; If I say I may get a new job and be a bit far away from her she will say 'We should still meet for lunch everyday. We shud atleast take the train and meet'.

 

So these are some of the things that make me wonder whether she really likes me as a friend and does/say all those things OR is there a hidden agenda behind all this. I am unable to figure out.

 

let me ask you-

A) is she seeing anyone?

 

Anyway i've been in your situation before. Im sure there was some reason, religious difference or different family language. But sounds to me like she's taking the benefits of being in a relationship without having to commit to you.

been down this road before and it turned out ugly.

 

if she doesnt want to commit, the best thing you should do is make yourself more distant or stop being friends. the last thing you want is to be attached to her when she ends up with some other dude and leaving you in the dust.

and it will hurt hard when that happens....

[luvtoto]

That's why when a woman expresses some initial interest, a man has to be sure he doesn't come on too strong, because she'll know that she's got the advantage. Women don't want the advantage, they want to know that they're equal to their mate - nothing more, nothing less. If a woman backs off, a man has to back off as well. That in and of itself doesn't guarantee anything, except that she will pick up on your cues and see you as someone who isn't going to just roll over and let her win in the relationship - it's a seemingly minor message you're sending, but a very important one.

 

Sorry to crash this post, but.....being a woman myself, I must agree with what amerikajin wrote here. This was worded very well. 100% right on....imo.

[noclobber]

let me ask you-

A) is she seeing anyone?

 

Anyway i've been in your situation before. Im sure there was some reason, religious difference or different family language. But sounds to me like she's taking the benefits of being in a relationship without having to commit to you.

been down this road before and it turned out ugly.

 

if she doesnt want to commit, the best thing you should do is make yourself more distant or stop being friends. the last thing you want is to be attached to her when she ends up with some other dude and leaving you in the dust.

and it will hurt hard when that happens....

 

No, to the best of my knowledge she is not seeing anyone now. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend now.

 

So you are telling me that I am like a surrogate boyfriend to her?

[johan]

No, to the best of my knowledge she is not seeing anyone now. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend now.

 

So you are telling me that I am like a surrogate boyfriend to her?

 

Could be. Don't let people turn you against her though, as if she's being mean or deliberately using you. She probably just likes the security and doesn't realize what your relationship really is about. She won't take it well if you terminate the friendship.

[monkey00]

No, to the best of my knowledge she is not seeing anyone now. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend now.

 

I was fed that exact same line well it was more like "i dont want the complication of a relationship right now"

In reality, for my situation, i was her temporary guy until someone better came along.

So you are telling me that I am like a surrogate boyfriend to her?

bingo. but anyway...she's just taking you for granted now cause you're available. lets see what happens when you get a gf.

However it's not as bad as it seems. date other girls while being less available to her. That way if she does end up ditching you, you wont be hurt.

[noclobber]

Thanks guys!

 

Yup, I think I will keep some distance and start dating other women.

 

If at all I know something for sure about my friend, this is it - Under no circumstances she will lie! Also she never tries to sugar-coat the pill. She is brutally honest. Sometimes it hurts but she means what she says. When I asked her out she said she just came out of a relationship and is not in a position to date any man now. I thought she was letting me down easy by using those words. But I saw that she usually tells things as they are. Last week some other guy asked her out and she said "I don't want a boyfriend now".

 

Monkey00 I am just being curious, can you give more details about what exactly happened in your case?

[amerikajin]

But as a 'friend' she wants to see me for lunch and/or coffee 3 or 4 times in a week (this has been going on for 6 months now);

 

Dude, not to take a swipe at your friend but I think this is odd. I don't even see my buds three or four times a week, so there's definitely no way I would make that kind of time for a woman I'm not hooking up with. And truth to tell, unless I were engaged or married, I doubt I'd make that kind of time for a woman I was actually hooking up with. Three or four times a week is a lot of face time - too much for anything other than a serious romantic relationship.

 

I think she's just needy and she's using you as a crutch. And I would be willing to wager a fair chunk of chips that when you actually do finally meet a woman that returns the favor, she'll become jealous as hell unless she's already into another man, by which point she will have already bruised your ego considerably. I think you need to back the hell away from her. Don't terminate the relationship outright, but be upfront about things and just tell her what you really want from her, and then you should both take a look at the reality.

[jerbear]

if she doesnt want to commit, the best thing you should do is make yourself more distant or stop being friends. the last thing you want is to be attached to her when she ends up with some other dude and leaving you in the dust.

and it will hurt hard when that happens....

 

Been there, done that, lost $900 when I paid her rent in college. She called last month after 10 years because she is going thru a divorce and wanted something or someone.

 

I said, not after getting rejected years ago, her having two kids, dealing with her "loser" exH, likes my car, my degree, and that I'm meeting interesting people.

 

Noclobber learn from our experiences. Let her go, let her heart break. Be yourself, put up a fight and say no to coffee. Say you drink tea now.

 

From doing that you get some dignity back, some control in your life, then either she would:

 

a) ditch you

b) get heartbroken, ditch you

c) date you, break your heart, ditch you

d) call you 10 years later, you drop her

e) date you, marry you, keep your stuff, break your heart, ditch you

f) have lunch, coffee, ditch you for the barrista

g) get a new job, ditch you

h) move away, in effect ditch you

i) etc....

 

I like option D, I did that to the girl who called me last month, scary that after my break up/spat, she calls; very weird... Anyway back to the subject. I think you should consider breaking her heart, let her go, and move on. She sounds like she is in marketing?

 

Some women want the attention but are not willing to enter to the relationship. Removing yourself as the safety blanket is a way for her to respect you and appreciate you.

 

IMHO, men and women can be friends when they mutually agree to platonic and REALLY MEAN IT. Men and women can't be friends when one has romantic feelings for another. Both men and women can lie, kick, scream, say and think whatever; in the end someone will get hurt. that is being in denial.

 

Just not worth it when one has the hots for another.

[luvtoto]

No, to the best of my knowledge she is not seeing anyone now. She said she doesn't want a boyfriend now.

 

So you are telling me that I am like a surrogate boyfriend to her?

 

Ya know, nC. This chic is starting to tick me off. Can't she see the pain she is causing you? I mean...come on! She is really doing a number on you. With that said, you do have to take some responsibility in this situation and do what's right...for your own good. She doesn't want to date you and she just wants to be friends?? Well, quite honestly, you don't need friends like her. I don't think it's wise to still be friends with her, noclobber. YOU DESERVE BETTER than to be treated like this! I am just saying, she doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. She sounds like a "user". Sorry.................

[noclobber]

Alrite, this is what I have been suspecting and now from all your responses I guess its very clear. I think I am in a non-physical pseudo-relationship with her. I should have got the red flag when she said "you are breaking my heart" in response to my leaving to India. How is it possible for me to 'break' her heart when she claims that she doesn't have feelings for me?

 

Okay, anyway, this is going to be difficult but I am going to do it. Slowly but steadily I am going to back-off. I did this sometime back and she pretty much hounded me. Now I know what is happening exactly...

 

Amerikajin, I guess you are very correct about jealousy. I am just wondering how she will react if I say tomorrow "hey i went on a date during the weekend".

[amerikajin]

Well I would never say that if it didn't happen - she'll lose total respect for you then. But if in fact you did go out on a date, then I don't see the harm in letting her know about it. Of course, if you did go out on a date with someone else, then you shouldn't be thinking about her. I would not get into a game of using other women to build your self esteem. That leads to other kinds of problems and it never addresses whatever it is you're running away from. Date someone because you're genuinely interested in her, and forget the rest.

[monkey00]

Thanks guys!

 

Yup, I think I will keep some distance and start dating other women.

 

If at all I know something for sure about my friend, this is it - Under no circumstances she will lie! Also she never tries to sugar-coat the pill. She is brutally honest. Sometimes it hurts but she means what she says.

women with this type of behavior is consistent. you can read them like a book after awhile, you've known this one for 6 months and you see her 4x a week, you should be able to see through her by now.

 

When I asked her out she said she just came out of a relationship and is not in a position to date any man now. I thought she was letting me down easy by using those words. But I saw that she usually tells things as they are.

no no my friend, it's womanese. it translates: i dont want to date you.

Last week some other guy asked her out and she said "I don't want a boyfriend now".

translation: im not interested in you.

 

women speak only half-truths. Be cautious. Anyway take my translations with a hint of salt...im not psychic.

 

well, after a couple of months i was able to read her like a book. she was manipulative, she spoke half-truths well. needless to say things ended mutually(sort of)...she began seeing another guy and i moved on...and thats when the phone calls stopped. but..my situation is slightly different.

[noclobber]

Well I would never say that if it didn't happen - she'll lose total respect for you then. But if in fact you did go out on a date, then I don't see the harm in letting her know about it. Of course, if you did go out on a date with someone else, then you shouldn't be thinking about her. I would not get into a game of using other women to build your self esteem. That leads to other kinds of problems and it never addresses whatever it is you're running away from. Date someone because you're genuinely interested in her, and forget the rest.

 

I did not go out on a date. Just wondering how she would react if when I do go on a date and tell her about it. I would be surprised if she didn't feel even the slightest bit of jealousy.

[noclobber]

no no my friend, it's womanese. it translates: i dont want to date you.

 

translation: im not interested in you.

 

that's right, she did tell that she does not have feelings for me.

[jerbear]

Noclobber do you have any other female friends who have shown interests in you.

 

You do bump into them along the way but like guys, some back off when they see another one near you. Go talk to some of them ask one to coffee; lame but guess what? Helps you move on.

 

You're assignment till the end of this month is to talk to one them over coffee/happy hour/juice/something. One that you are truely interested in; not someone to make your "break heart" jealous, upset or another.

 

Don't fall for her first or second plea to win you back.

[noclobber]

just venting here...

 

having just realized that i have been used by this woman 'emotionally' i am kinda feeling bitter. makes me want to date women regardless of whether i am interested or not, use them (sex), and move on to the next. i guess being selfish is the way to live!

 

sorry but i am feeling bad now...

[jerbear]

If you really really need to vent, do it on LS but don't do something you may regret.

 

It is ok to want sex with women but not use or abuse them for sex. One may literally bite you where most people don't see.

 

Have you considered putting an (adult) personals ad, you being in CA might help? You might get your ya-yas out at least. (Just my 2 cents, advice, and opinion)

 

You are you're own person; just be careful what you wish for. You might be on the receiving end decades from now when you granddaughter comes to you crying.

 

Do ask one you are interested in out. Not someone at work if possible.