Wife throwing away sentimental gifts

[Phil]

On more than one occasion, I have found in the trash sentimental gifts I have given to my wife. I've asked her to stop, but she keeps doing this. Any suggestions?

 

As there is more to the story than this, you may want to read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81434/

[whichwayisup]

She's mad at you. I can't think of any other reason why someone would throw out gifts and sentimental ones to boot.

 

How does she react when you tell her to NOT throw those gifts out? How does she look? Mad, sad? Irritated?

[Touche]

On more than one occasion, I have found in the trash sentimental gifts I have given to my wife. I've asked her to stop, but she keeps doing this. Any suggestions?

 

As there is more to the story than this, you may want to read http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81434/

 

Phil I did read your other thread and the similiraties between her and my husband's ex-wife is astounding. My husband's ex was diagnosed as Borderline Personlaity and Bi-polar.

 

Someone brought up about sleeping habits on that thread. Does she have weird sleeping habits? Does she hide her spending/shopping?

 

She really does sound like she needs some help. You should not have to live with that.

 

Just want to add that since you're asking for suggestions, here's mine. Tell her that she either goes for help or you are seriously thinking about ending this. Life is too short to live with that kind of abuse.

[Phil]

She's mad at you. I can't think of any other reason why someone would throw out gifts and sentimental ones to boot.

 

How does she react when you tell her to NOT throw those gifts out? How does she look? Mad, sad? Irritated?

 

She tries to defend and/or justify what she did. She shows some irritation that I made the inquiry. But ultimately she accuses me of controlling her in that I am telling her what to do (to not throw out certain things).

[Phil]

Phil I did read your other thread and the similiraties between her and my husband's ex-wife is astounding. My husband's ex was diagnosed as Borderline Personlaity and Bi-polar.

 

Someone brought up about sleeping habits on that thread. Does she have weird sleeping habits? Does she hide her spending/shopping?

 

She really does sound like she needs some help. You should not have to live with that.

 

Just want to add that since you're asking for suggestions, here's mine. Tell her that she either goes for help or you are seriously thinking about ending this. Life is too short to live with that kind of abuse.

 

Thanks for your response. She does have strange spending habits. She'll preach about how we shouldn't buy a lot on credit and then she'll go out and finance a new luxury car - well above and beyond our means - about every two years.

 

It's hard for me to end it simply because I love her. But she's been behaving in such a hopeless manner lately that I've put my foot down many times. This has in turn caused her to get upset to the point that she is considering separation.

[Touche]

Thanks for your response. She does have strange spending habits. She'll preach about how we shouldn't buy a lot on credit and then she'll go out and finance a new luxury car - well above and beyond our means - about every two years.

 

It's hard for me to end it simply because I love her. But she's been behaving in such a hopeless manner lately that I've put my foot down many times. This has in turn caused her to get upset to the point that she is considering separation.

 

Well, first of all that really ISN'T normal. I'm a big one for not buying on credit and guess what? My words are backed up by action in my spending habits. My car is almost 10 years old...and not because we can't afford to get me a new one but because I just can't justify it. So for her to say she doesn't like buying on credit and then turning around and financing a new luxury car indicates some instability there. Put that with everything else you've said and we can get a clear picture that she has problems.

 

You said that you've put your foot down but you haven't really. You still put up with it. My husband put up with that kind of thing for eight long years until he got the courage to leave. It's not an easy thing to do but he decided he didn't want to live that way anymore as it was getting worse and worse. She became more and more out of control and abusive. And he loved her too.

 

Next time she threatens a separation you ought to take her up on that. That actually may be the best thing for both of you. Perhaps it doesn't have to lead to a divorce. Maybe while you're separated she can go for help. It can be a time that will "make or break you." Because if you just keep going on like this, you have nowhere to go but down.

 

I wish you the very best during this difficult time. Let us know how things progress.

[whichwayisup]

Phil, either she is playing you for a fool by disrespecting you, or there is something wrong in her head that is making her act the way she is. I don't know which it is.

 

Logically, if the money isn't there, DON'T spend it! She seems selfish, I'm sorry to say that, but she isn't thinking of anybody but herself. In a marriage there are TWO people, not one. Her actions are showing you very strange things, and what I don't get is WHY is she getting rid of personal items, gifts etc., in the first place? There isn't any reason to.

 

She needs some professional help, and fast. Touche's got some good advice for you, so consider your options. Life can't go on as it is now. It's going to to kill your heart and ruin the marriage even more than it already has.

[Phil]

Well, first of all that really ISN'T normal. I'm a big one for not buying on credit and guess what? My words are backed up by action in my spending habits. My car is almost 10 years old...and not because we can't afford to get me a new one but because I just can't justify it. So for her to say she doesn't like buying on credit and then turning around and financing a new luxury car indicates some instability there. Put that with everything else you've said and we can get a clear picture that she has problems.

 

You said that you've put your foot down but you haven't really. You still put up with it. My husband put up with that kind of thing for eight long years until he got the courage to leave. It's not an easy thing to do but he decided he didn't want to live that way anymore as it was getting worse and worse. She became more and more out of control and abusive. And he loved her too.

 

Next time she threatens a separation you ought to take her up on that. That actually may be the best thing for both of you. Perhaps it doesn't have to lead to a divorce. Maybe while you're separated she can go for help. It can be a time that will "make or break you." Because if you just keep going on like this, you have nowhere to go but down.

 

I wish you the very best during this difficult time. Let us know how things progress.

 

She has a history of making major financial decisions without consulting with me. She tries to justify her major financial purchases because she makes some sort of career accomplishment and wants to reward herself. Then she gets all upset with me because I haven't bought her a $40,000 car. Like you say, it's something I could have done, but it would have been extremely hard to justify. Not that she wasn't worth that at any point in the relationship, but I've always tried to think of both of us instead of just one of us.

[Craig]

Phil, show me how she loves you? Show me the love! I don't see it.

 

If a woman approached you when you were single and said, "lets get married, we can make bad financial decisions, I'll treat you good but on a regular basis I'll treat you poorly, do things that make you question your sanity, threaten to leave you and overall make your quality of life suck from time to time", what would you say?

[Phil]

Phil, show me how she loves you? Show me the love! I don't see it.

 

If a woman approached you when you were single and said, "lets get married, we can make bad financial decisions, I'll treat you good but on a regular basis I'll treat you poorly, do things that make you question your sanity, threaten to leave you and overall make your quality of life suck from time to time", what would you say?

 

Interesting way of looking at it. However, people always put their best foot forward when trying to make a relationship work.

[Phil]

Phil, either she is playing you for a fool by disrespecting you, or there is something wrong in her head that is making her act the way she is. I don't know which it is.

 

Logically, if the money isn't there, DON'T spend it! She seems selfish, I'm sorry to say that, but she isn't thinking of anybody but herself. In a marriage there are TWO people, not one. Her actions are showing you very strange things, and what I don't get is WHY is she getting rid of personal items, gifts etc., in the first place? There isn't any reason to.

 

She needs some professional help, and fast. Touche's got some good advice for you, so consider your options. Life can't go on as it is now. It's going to to kill your heart and ruin the marriage even more than it already has.

 

I've heard one of the effects of bipolar can be extravagant spending habits. As for being logical, she isn't logical with anything. If I try to preach logic upon her, she gets all upset and says I've got a problem. For example, she sees an ad that says $500 to Paris. So she thinks we can go to Paris for $500. When I try to explain that it pertains to perhaps 1% of the available flight combinatioins, she gets furious.

[whichwayisup]

Her basic understanding and coping skills are not there. She's irrational and almost (not quite) child-like with reactions and comprehension.

 

J, I feel for you on this. Sooner or later something has to happen, get her help, even if you have to go get legal papers to do it, she needs help.

[Sassy]

I am pissed at my s/o and i wanted to throw out the stuff he got me for Valentines. I almost ripped the card up cause what he said in it doesn't make sense with the way he has been acting lately. I was going to rip up the stuffed animal but daughter is sleeping with it. She will be mad .

[Phil]

Her basic understanding and coping skills are not there. She's irrational and almost (not quite) child-like with reactions and comprehension.

 

J, I feel for you on this. Sooner or later something has to happen, get her help, even if you have to go get legal papers to do it, she needs help.

 

Well, she finally moved out. Don't know if it's going to be permanent or not. In part it's a relief, and in part it's tough because I love her. It's almost like she's been two different people. Is there a thread in here where I can get some ideas on how to deal with this and what to expect?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry to hear that news, Phil. I'm sure you're relieved in some ways but hurting like hell too.

 

From what you described she HAS been two people. She isn't the woman you married anymore.

 

Are you comfy enough to go talk to someone? One on one therapy just to help you cope?

 

If she is depressed, bipoloar, I suggest you google 'depression fallout'. (I can't remember if I said this before or not.) There is info there to help you through this.

 

Hang in there, keep posting.

[mimzie]

I'm sorry to hear you are so torn right now. Honestly I think it's the best decision for now though that she is gone. Maybe she'll realize what a good man she has, if not then better for you. At least you can say she left and you didnt leave her, she has some major issues to deal with and I thought bi-polar from reading the other thread. My mother in law is bi-polar and now lives in a half way house because she cannot live in the "real world" I hope it doesnt get that bad for her but if she is bi-polar, there is *NOTHING* you can do to change her. She is sick and needs something other than love to "fix" her. You cannot do anything to help her at all so do not feel that you have failed her in anyway because you havent, you have tried everything possible to help.

 

Rachel

[Phil]

I'm sorry to hear that news, Phil. I'm sure you're relieved in some ways but hurting like hell too.

 

From what you described she HAS been two people. She isn't the woman you married anymore.

 

Are you comfy enough to go talk to someone? One on one therapy just to help you cope?

 

If she is depressed, bipoloar, I suggest you google 'depression fallout'. (I can't remember if I said this before or not.) There is info there to help you through this.

 

Hang in there, keep posting.

 

Thanks for the support. She does seem to have been two people. If I think about the loving & caring side of her, it's hard to cope with her leaving. If I think about the devilish side of her, I'm very elated she's gone.

 

I'll check out depression fallout.

[Phil]

I'm sorry to hear you are so torn right now. Honestly I think it's the best decision for now though that she is gone. Maybe she'll realize what a good man she has, if not then better for you. At least you can say she left and you didnt leave her, she has some major issues to deal with and I thought bi-polar from reading the other thread. My mother in law is bi-polar and now lives in a half way house because she cannot live in the "real world" I hope it doesnt get that bad for her but if she is bi-polar, there is *NOTHING* you can do to change her. She is sick and needs something other than love to "fix" her. You cannot do anything to help her at all so do not feel that you have failed her in anyway because you havent, you have tried everything possible to help.

 

Rachel

 

You're right. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. If there was anything I did wrong it was to put up with all that crap for so long. I should have put my foot down more consistently a long time ago.

[mimzie]

((HUGS)) Phil, I couldnt imagine being in your shoes. Continue to seek support, whether it's here or else where. You really need all the encouraging words you can get to get thru this.

 

It may even help to look up bi-polar (maybe you have??) you'd probably see a LOT of similarities and maybe it will make you feel better about your decision. Its never easy but honestly you shouldnt have to live an unhappy life just because she doesnt think she has a problem. I am new to these boards so I hope my advice is good.

 

I know my father in law must have gone thru the same things and 20yrs later they still have contact but there is NO way he would take her back!! Sometimes we laugh and wonder if he drove her crazy cause it seems he's crazy himself but I'm sure its the other way around, SHE drove him crazy with the bi-polar going un noticed for so long. They were together for a long time and I can tell you, it has really changed his life (not for the good) that he stayed so long. Of course 30-40yrs ago when they were married, bi-polar wasnt as known as it is today so he probably wondered constantly what HE was doing wrong!

 

He lives next door to us, alone. I am glad we moved next door to keep him company but I think the time he spent with her was time wasted because now he has a very hard time with other people, women and men and I honestly think most of it stems from trying to make a bi-polar person happy. He has a VERY negative attitude towards everything and with a bi-polar person I can completely see why. Nothing is ever good enough and no matter what you do, it wont change a thing! So keep your chin up and work on making YOU happy! Good luck!

 

Rachel