abusive boyfriend - need help!

[GIRLY88]

You don't have to read this. Its long. But thanks in advance for letting me vent!!

 

I need help. My boyfriend is extremely abusive and I can't get myself to get away from him. I am educated, and open-minded. I am a web programmer, and I earn a very good living, but ALL my money goes to him (because I can't find the nerve to say no to him) and I have no money to move out with. Last night my live-in long-time boyfriend and I were talking about why he's always so miserable and cruel. Believe me when I tell you that he is ALWAYS miserable. Nothing (myself included) is ever good enough for him, and when something is fixed/improved, he will always find another reason to be miserable. This has put a strain on our relationship and on me.

 

I have devoted everything that is in me into trying to make him happy, for the last 4 years. I am a petite 24 years old girl, 5'3 aboiut 120lbs, just got implants(his idea), skinny waist, I guess I do get hit on pretty much everywhere I go, but he gets jealous and insecure if I talk to anyone,(male of female), so I subsequently shut out and lost all my friends and family years ago, and have practically forgotten how to socialize with people in general, for fear of his harsh reaction towards me. I have, over those 4 years completely set my needs and goals aside overtime without realizing it. Well, I did realize it, but I start to feel terrible inside and selfish if I do anything for me, and not for him. It's like he crushes my spirit because he is so demanding. I cook for him, I attend all his activities, his bars, I basically revolve around his life, his freinds, his needs, and his demands, and I know that this is my choice, but im afraid of him when he gets mad, so I do it. Besides, I have nothing else to do. But it doesn't make a difference anyway and Im still treated terribly. I didn't want it to get this way, but slowly, overtime, Ive gotten myself in this mess. I am a very easy-going, pleasing and nurturing person, and only want to make people happy, but he walks all over me and takes advantage of my lack of assertion. He calls me awful names and teases/resents me cause ive gained about 10 lbs over the last 4 years. I can't excersize though. I just don't ever feel like it. Besides, the few times that I have gone to the gym, he claims im out doing something else, or that it 'won't do any good anyway' so I stopped caring about my health too. I am very affectionate towards him, but I havent been touched, or held, or anything of the sort in years. We have a sexual relationship, but its about 1 minute long, and he doesn't even look at me, or touch me, or kiss me. I am starving for attention, but still don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not a '****', or a '*****', Im not 'stupid', Im not an 'idiot', Im not a 'typical useless woman', but I let him tell me I am. I can't stand up to him, but I can't leave him. I guess when someone tells you your stupid and worthless so often you start to wonder if they're right.

 

I have come up with the courage to leave him twice so far, once 2 years ago when he threw me down a flight of stairs because I threw my drink in his face for calling me a '****' in front of our friends, and once when he told me he'd kick my a$$ again if I ever 'left our puppy loose in the living room while I went outside the house' again. But he always comes after me, tells me what I want to hear, and I can't find the courage to say 'NO' to him, so i stopped trying to leave.

 

I do want out!! I want to change!! I want to start living my own life! But i dont think I can do it. He says that his 'dream future' would be to live alone on a ranch or something. So why am I still here? I can't physically or financially move, and I dont have one freind in the world. I have a couple people that tell me I should get out of this for my own sake, but they wouldnt be able to help me anyway. They are either his family, or people who would never stand up to him either. Please tell me how make my relationship better, or how to find the courage to start my life over again and feel like I'm worth it???

 

-Alone in P.A.

[Ed]

From what you describe, you are going to need a third party to help you out of this situation. Right now, get out your phone book. Look in the yellow pages. I found the the kind of help you need listed under 'Social Services'.

 

In my town there is a listing for the YWCA. If you don't have a YWCA where you are, then look for the United Way. Call either of them and tell them you are in an abusive situation, you fear for your saftey, and you "NEED HELP". At the very least, you need to talk to a counselor, but they also offer shelter to those in need.

 

Can't find it in the phone book? Call The National Domestic Violence

 

Hotline 1-800-799-7233. They can refer you to the appropriate agency.

[lil_mama0613]

Hey girl I really can't say I know where your coming from but my situation is something like that. I'm in love with this guy. Anything and everything I do for him he says I can try to do it better meaning its not good enough for him. He hasn't gone as far as hitting me but he'll sit on top of me with his hands pinning me down. He'll grab me to where i have bruises but not yet hitting me. He tell me he does it because he loves me and he doesn't want me to be mad. I know it really doesn't make any sense but i never leave. I met this new guy and I'm starting to like him but all i can really think about is my botfriend now might change and I will be happy with him.I don't want to mess that up. But i'm also thinking what if he don't change and i'll miss out on this other guy. I don't think i helped you any. I just kinda told you my problem. Sorry. If you've been going through this for four years. Its honestly time for you to move on. Just leave! don't wait for him to see you packing. When he is gone Get your most important stuff and leave.You probably have a friend that he doesn't know go with them. Leave him a letter. and you'll see you will find A Real Man!!! And I know you know what I mean by real man.

You don't have to read this. Its long. But thanks in advance for letting me vent!! I need help. My boyfriend is extremely abusive and I can't get myself to get away from him. I am educated, and open-minded. I am a web programmer, and I earn a very good living, but ALL my money goes to him (because I can't find the nerve to say no to him) and I have no money to move out with. Last night my live-in long-time boyfriend and I were talking about why he's always so miserable and cruel. Believe me when I tell you that he is ALWAYS miserable. Nothing (myself included) is ever good enough for him, and when something is fixed/improved, he will always find another reason to be miserable. This has put a strain on our relationship and on me. I have devoted everything that is in me into trying to make him happy, for the last 4 years. I am a petite 24 years old girl, 5'3 aboiut 120lbs, just got implants(his idea), skinny waist, I guess I do get hit on pretty much everywhere I go, but he gets jealous and insecure if I talk to anyone,(male of female), so I subsequently shut out and lost all my friends and family years ago, and have practically forgotten how to socialize with people in general, for fear of his harsh reaction towards me. I have, over those 4 years completely set my needs and goals aside overtime without realizing it. Well, I did realize it, but I start to feel terrible inside and selfish if I do anything for me, and not for him. It's like he crushes my spirit because he is so demanding. I cook for him, I attend all his activities, his bars, I basically revolve around his life, his freinds, his needs, and his demands, and I know that this is my choice, but im afraid of him when he gets mad, so I do it. Besides, I have nothing else to do. But it doesn't make a difference anyway and Im still treated terribly. I didn't want it to get this way, but slowly, overtime, Ive gotten myself in this mess. I am a very easy-going, pleasing and nurturing person, and only want to make people happy, but he walks all over me and takes advantage of my lack of assertion. He calls me awful names and teases/resents me cause ive gained about 10 lbs over the last 4 years. I can't excersize though. I just don't ever feel like it. Besides, the few times that I have gone to the gym, he claims im out doing something else, or that it 'won't do any good anyway' so I stopped caring about my health too. I am very affectionate towards him, but I havent been touched, or held, or anything of the sort in years. We have a sexual relationship, but its about 1 minute long, and he doesn't even look at me, or touch me, or kiss me. I am starving for attention, but still don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not a '****', or a '*****', Im not 'stupid', Im not an 'idiot', Im not a 'typical useless woman', but I let him tell me I am. I can't stand up to him, but I can't leave him. I guess when someone tells you your stupid and worthless so often you start to wonder if they're right. I have come up with the courage to leave him twice so far, once 2 years ago when he threw me down a flight of stairs because I threw my drink in his face for calling me a '****' in front of our friends, and once when he told me he'd kick my a$$ again if I ever 'left our puppy loose in the living room while I went outside the house' again. But he always comes after me, tells me what I want to hear, and I can't find the courage to say 'NO' to him, so i stopped trying to leave.

 

I do want out!! I want to change!! I want to start living my own life! But i dont think I can do it. He says that his 'dream future' would be to live alone on a ranch or something. So why am I still here? I can't physically or financially move, and I dont have one freind in the world. I have a couple people that tell me I should get out of this for my own sake, but they wouldnt be able to help me anyway. They are either his family, or people who would never stand up to him either. Please tell me how make my relationship better, or how to find the courage to start my life over again and feel like I'm worth it???

 

-Alone in P.A.

['lil k]

Just wanted to let you know that I hear you, because I am in a situation very much the same. I am also a more than average-ly attractive woman, and I don't understand why he wouldn't be interested in me anymore. I am starved for attention and love, and I torture myself coming up with reasons why he doesnt' want me. He has a drug problem, that may be affecting things. But, I find porno videos and magazines all the time in our apt. I don't know what to do, I feel awful all the time. when I ask him why it is this way, he says maybe he would want to if I was nicer to him. I don't know what else I can do for him, I clean up, I let him borrow my car and I am stuck in the house, I help him financially, I take care of the important matters. I can't live on my own yet (money), although I feel like this is a prison. Its terrible to sleep next to someone every night who is never interested in anything but sleeping. And if I can get him to have sex with me, I do everything and he doesn't make any effort to please me. He is getting meaner and meaner, and more controlling. I know I should leave, and I want to, but realistically I can't do that.

You don't have to read this. Its long. But thanks in advance for letting me vent!! I need help. My boyfriend is extremely abusive and I can't get myself to get away from him. I am educated, and open-minded. I am a web programmer, and I earn a very good living, but ALL my money goes to him (because I can't find the nerve to say no to him) and I have no money to move out with. Last night my live-in long-time boyfriend and I were talking about why he's always so miserable and cruel. Believe me when I tell you that he is ALWAYS miserable. Nothing (myself included) is ever good enough for him, and when something is fixed/improved, he will always find another reason to be miserable. This has put a strain on our relationship and on me. I have devoted everything that is in me into trying to make him happy, for the last 4 years. I am a petite 24 years old girl, 5'3 aboiut 120lbs, just got implants(his idea), skinny waist, I guess I do get hit on pretty much everywhere I go, but he gets jealous and insecure if I talk to anyone,(male of female), so I subsequently shut out and lost all my friends and family years ago, and have practically forgotten how to socialize with people in general, for fear of his harsh reaction towards me. I have, over those 4 years completely set my needs and goals aside overtime without realizing it. Well, I did realize it, but I start to feel terrible inside and selfish if I do anything for me, and not for him. It's like he crushes my spirit because he is so demanding. I cook for him, I attend all his activities, his bars, I basically revolve around his life, his freinds, his needs, and his demands, and I know that this is my choice, but im afraid of him when he gets mad, so I do it. Besides, I have nothing else to do. But it doesn't make a difference anyway and Im still treated terribly. I didn't want it to get this way, but slowly, overtime, Ive gotten myself in this mess. I am a very easy-going, pleasing and nurturing person, and only want to make people happy, but he walks all over me and takes advantage of my lack of assertion. He calls me awful names and teases/resents me cause ive gained about 10 lbs over the last 4 years. I can't excersize though. I just don't ever feel like it. Besides, the few times that I have gone to the gym, he claims im out doing something else, or that it 'won't do any good anyway' so I stopped caring about my health too. I am very affectionate towards him, but I havent been touched, or held, or anything of the sort in years. We have a sexual relationship, but its about 1 minute long, and he doesn't even look at me, or touch me, or kiss me. I am starving for attention, but still don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not a '****', or a '*****', Im not 'stupid', Im not an 'idiot', Im not a 'typical useless woman', but I let him tell me I am. I can't stand up to him, but I can't leave him. I guess when someone tells you your stupid and worthless so often you start to wonder if they're right. I have come up with the courage to leave him twice so far, once 2 years ago when he threw me down a flight of stairs because I threw my drink in his face for calling me a '****' in front of our friends, and once when he told me he'd kick my a$$ again if I ever 'left our puppy loose in the living room while I went outside the house' again. But he always comes after me, tells me what I want to hear, and I can't find the courage to say 'NO' to him, so i stopped trying to leave.

 

I do want out!! I want to change!! I want to start living my own life! But i dont think I can do it. He says that his 'dream future' would be to live alone on a ranch or something. So why am I still here? I can't physically or financially move, and I dont have one freind in the world. I have a couple people that tell me I should get out of this for my own sake, but they wouldnt be able to help me anyway. They are either his family, or people who would never stand up to him either. Please tell me how make my relationship better, or how to find the courage to start my life over again and feel like I'm worth it???

 

-Alone in P.A.

[sam]

Leave as soon as you can. The longer you stay, the harder it will be. I have just come out of a 5 year marraige with abuse. I always hung on to the thought that it could get easier, but if the signs are all there, chances are, it wouldn't get any easier. Start planning your exit, getting support through your community, saving up on the side as you can, and know that you can always go to a women's shelter if you need. You have to make this change in your life, and for you. Nobody else can do it for you. You have many things going for you. Keep them for yourself, set your limits and boundaries, and with the smarts you have, and I have no doubt you have them,...GO.........this will not end until you are ready to make the leap, and live your life to your fullest potential.

 

You don't have to read this. Its long. But thanks in advance for letting me vent!! I need help. My boyfriend is extremely abusive and I can't get myself to get away from him. I am educated, and open-minded. I am a web programmer, and I earn a very good living, but ALL my money goes to him (because I can't find the nerve to say no to him) and I have no money to move out with. Last night my live-in long-time boyfriend and I were talking about why he's always so miserable and cruel. Believe me when I tell you that he is ALWAYS miserable. Nothing (myself included) is ever good enough for him, and when something is fixed/improved, he will always find another reason to be miserable. This has put a strain on our relationship and on me. I have devoted everything that is in me into trying to make him happy, for the last 4 years. I am a petite 24 years old girl, 5'3 aboiut 120lbs, just got implants(his idea), skinny waist, I guess I do get hit on pretty much everywhere I go, but he gets jealous and insecure if I talk to anyone,(male of female), so I subsequently shut out and lost all my friends and family years ago, and have practically forgotten how to socialize with people in general, for fear of his harsh reaction towards me. I have, over those 4 years completely set my needs and goals aside overtime without realizing it. Well, I did realize it, but I start to feel terrible inside and selfish if I do anything for me, and not for him. It's like he crushes my spirit because he is so demanding. I cook for him, I attend all his activities, his bars, I basically revolve around his life, his freinds, his needs, and his demands, and I know that this is my choice, but im afraid of him when he gets mad, so I do it. Besides, I have nothing else to do. But it doesn't make a difference anyway and Im still treated terribly. I didn't want it to get this way, but slowly, overtime, Ive gotten myself in this mess. I am a very easy-going, pleasing and nurturing person, and only want to make people happy, but he walks all over me and takes advantage of my lack of assertion. He calls me awful names and teases/resents me cause ive gained about 10 lbs over the last 4 years. I can't excersize though. I just don't ever feel like it. Besides, the few times that I have gone to the gym, he claims im out doing something else, or that it 'won't do any good anyway' so I stopped caring about my health too. I am very affectionate towards him, but I havent been touched, or held, or anything of the sort in years. We have a sexual relationship, but its about 1 minute long, and he doesn't even look at me, or touch me, or kiss me. I am starving for attention, but still don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not a '****', or a '*****', Im not 'stupid', Im not an 'idiot', Im not a 'typical useless woman', but I let him tell me I am. I can't stand up to him, but I can't leave him. I guess when someone tells you your stupid and worthless so often you start to wonder if they're right. I have come up with the courage to leave him twice so far, once 2 years ago when he threw me down a flight of stairs because I threw my drink in his face for calling me a '****' in front of our friends, and once when he told me he'd kick my a$$ again if I ever 'left our puppy loose in the living room while I went outside the house' again. But he always comes after me, tells me what I want to hear, and I can't find the courage to say 'NO' to him, so i stopped trying to leave.

 

I do want out!! I want to change!! I want to start living my own life! But i dont think I can do it. He says that his 'dream future' would be to live alone on a ranch or something. So why am I still here? I can't physically or financially move, and I dont have one freind in the world. I have a couple people that tell me I should get out of this for my own sake, but they wouldnt be able to help me anyway. They are either his family, or people who would never stand up to him either. Please tell me how make my relationship better, or how to find the courage to start my life over again and feel like I'm worth it???

 

-Alone in P.A.