Paralyzed with thoughts about him

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

It's been almost three months since he dumped me, and I'm not any better than I was at day one. My brain and my heart are flooded with thoughts and feelings about him and how much I miss him and the love we had. I can't get past this. It's affecting everything I do. No matter what I'm doing or trying to concentrate on, I feel unbearable sadness and longing for him.

 

I've had painful breakups before, even lost an 8 year marriage due to his infidelity -- but when when I look back at my journals from those times and what I wrote, I was in much better shape than I am now. But I believe that this time I am more in love with him than any previous man, including my ex-husband, that the pain is so much greater. I do want to feel better, but nothing I do helps allieviate the deep sadness or my feelings about how much I want him back.

[checker]

It seems that every time you have finished with a guy in the past, you went on to love someone new even more. To the extent that this most recent guy you loved even more than your ex-husband. Even if you couldn't believe it possible at the time. So why aren't you jumping up and down with excitement at what is around the next corner?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Because there were no warning signs. Nobody would have believed that he was about to dump me. Men who are going to dump their girlfriends don't go to meet the woman's entire family days before...they don't say the things that he did.

[clynn]

How very sad I am for you.

 

I don't know your story. (you could put a link if you want).

 

But my boyfriend and I broke up the very night after a long visit with my family. Yikes. Did they scare him off, I wonder....all sorts of things.

 

Were you able to find any answers to your questions from him...or did he just leave you without answering anything - I think sometimes it helps to move on if we have the answers. I mean, sometimes, there were signs....we just weren't wanting to listen or accept them?

 

Or did he just get plumb scared and took off?

 

Men!!!!

 

I bet you ARE doing better, you think? Maybe today is just a bad day? Or a bad week?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Long story short...here are the highlights:

 

- Dated almost eight months

- We live next door to each other

- Thirtysomethings

- He said I love you first

- He was affectionate...physically, loved to hold hands...gave me flowers, nearly a hundred cards, little gifts....never forgot to say I love you or tell me I'm beautiful...the love was very reciprocal, because I did those things for him as well

- We had many things in common...and we talked about how much our beliefs (morally and politically) were very well matched.

- He has a very demanding job which required travel and lots of overtime, but it didn't bother me as long as he remembered to call.

 

And he did call every day. Until the work became even more demanding, and his father became very ill -- then the phone calls started to subside, but he said it was because he was feeling very overwhelmed with everything and was too drained to talk. I tried to be as patient as I could be.

 

When he screwed up by not calling for over a week and I thought he'd just taken off, he came back begging for me to forgive him...that he never ever meant to hurt me, but that he was becoming very depressed and that's why he wasn't returning any of his friends calls, nor his family. His dad, who was sick in the hospital with mental illness, told him that he never wanted to see him again. So I forgave him and gave him a second chance, because he said that he wanted to make it all up to me. Things were good for a few more weeks

 

He met my family at a New Years party. They all loved him. And he said that he really, really liked them.

 

Then I got really sick with pneumonia. But he came over and helped me get my medicine and brought me stuff I needed to get better.

 

Then two days later (while I'm still really sick) he calls to tell me it's over. He said I am a good woman, and he loves me, but that he is too overwhelmed to be in a relationship with anyone. I tried to tell him that I wasn't demanding anything, especially his time, because I knew his life was upside down...that all I wanted was for him to let me love him. But it didn't work. He ended things. And he hasn't returned any of my messages asking him to explain why if he really did love me that he would just walk away. None of it makes any sense.

 

I left him messages asking for my things back. But instead of bringing them back, he left a bag at my door with all the gifts I gave him. Including two cards which I gave him long before we broke up, which were still unopened. This really felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.

[clynn]

How absolutely horrible for you.

 

No wonder you are devastated. Unopened cards, ouch, ouch, ouch. How strange. How very bizarre.

 

Do you still live next door to each other? That must be hard too, as you must see him all the time or at least see him come and go.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Yeah, the cards thing hurts a lot. He had been out of town for a couple of days visiting his dad, and I knew he was really upset about how sick he was, so I got him a CD of some music he likes and wrapped it up with two cards and left it for him in his mailbox. When he came home and called me he thanked me for the CD and the cards and said it was thoughtful. So I was so confused and hurt when he returned them to me unopened after we broke up.

 

Yes, we still live next door to each other. And unfortunately, because of the parking situation, I have to pass his door every day and it's always obvious whether or not he's home. One day I came up the walk as he was parking. I kept walking...not looking at him...but he just stayed in his car as I passed, and I could see out of the corner of my eye that his eyes were following me.

[wishuwell]

JJH wrote:

 

--I left him messages asking for my things back. But instead of bringing them back, he left a bag at my door with all the gifts I gave him. Including two cards which I gave him long before we broke up, which were still unopened. This really felt like I was being stabbed in the heart.--

 

And you are still thinking about him? This is the guy that asked you to "trust him" ? Dumps you for no reason or an explanation? Now he sits in his car and watches you walk by?

 

My opinion is (you do have my sympathy) to get a hobby, read a good book, keep yourself occupied. You will start to feel better in time, you truly will.

 

You should not be beating yourself up like this, take better care of yourself.

 

**

[Curmudgeon]

I'm sure that was hurtful and returning them was cruel, especially unopened. As a man (and one who could never be that unkind) that tells me he play-acted meeting your family and hadn't really bought into a relationship with you to begin with.

 

He sounds like a player and I doubt you're the first he's hurt, nor will you be the last.

 

I think you're far better off without him.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

So I was nothing? It was all a sick game to him?

[fooled]

So I was nothing? It was all a sick game to him?

 

Maybe you were nothing, maybe you were something but he won't let himself get close to anyone. Who knows. You never will, as I never will. We cannot have honest conversations with these people. Liars will always lie. You are not unvaluable just because a jackass doesn't value you.

 

I worry about you, Jencakes.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Fooled, why is it that they only turn into jackasses after they make us fall in love with them? Sigh.

 

Yes, my self-esteem is at an all-time low. Being dumped twice in two years will do that. So it's rather hard to believe that I'm valuable or desirable. I suppose that will change, but probably not real soon.

[alphamale]

Fooled, why is it that they only turn into jackasses after they make us fall in love with them? Sigh.

becasue J_J_HB....then we can get away with a lot more.

[kitten chick]

It is all a game to them. Most people exist just to f*** with other people's heads. Just don't trust anyone and you won't have to go through this again. And if you think getting dumped twice in two years is bad, try getting dumped twice in one year, while you're sick. I consider you pretty lucky.

[alphamale]

And if you think getting dumped twice in two years is bad, try getting dumped twice in one year, while you're sick.

Hmm...yes, that would be a drag. I've gotten dumped a few times but usually I do the dumping....life is just easier that way

[whichwayisup]

JenJen, all I can say is, your ex is and always was an a**h***. Don't try to figure out why he did what he did. Chances of figuring it out are slim to none. And, it will only make you feel worse!

 

Just know that YOU didn't DO anything wrong. He is a big schmuck who let go of someone really special. Yeah I'm figuring you don't feel that way, but I'm telling you, that is what it is.

 

You don't really want him back knowing now WHO he is. You could never trust him, could you? OFcourse you miss how he made you feel and I know you love him...It hurts and your words are showing how much pain you're in. Always remember, and keep on saying it until you believe it, HIS LOSS, not yours.

[clynn]

It is probably hard to believe right now because this type of a breakup really does do damage to your heart.......but you really are not the cause of this. IT is absolutely nothing you have done.

 

It sounds as though he has been dealing with some pretty serious personal issues, etc and that may have screwed things up. Regardless, it sounds unfortunate but you just may never get your answers.

 

I hope that you are able to understand that it isn't you at all. And believe it on an emotional level. This was all about him, and he obviously is one seriously messed up individual.

 

I'm sorry you have to pass his place every day as well. How awful for you. I am surprised you have only come that close to seeing / running into just once in three months. That is probably a good thing, really.

 

Some people, no matter what.......just cannot commit to a relationship and do and be all the things that they need to do to be in a relationship. There is no fixing them or changing it......it is just the way they are.

 

I feel so badly for you. This really is a horrible situation and of course you are very sad.

 

Hopefully soon someone cute will catch your eye and will distract you from this heartache you're feeling.

[Curmudgeon]

It is all a game to them. Most people exist just to f*** with other people's heads. Just don't trust anyone and you won't have to go through this again. And if you think getting dumped twice in two years is bad, try getting dumped twice in one year, while you're sick. I consider you pretty lucky.

 

If you don't trust anyone then you'll never have the opportunity to enter into and be part of a truly loving relationship. You shouldn't attribute one person's bad and unloving behavior to anyone else but them.

 

It's easy to build a wall around your heart to keep out the hurt. However, there's an unintended consequence. If the hurt can't get in, neither can any love that's trying to.

[kitten chick]

love? :lmao: Wake up, there's no such thing.

[Pyro]

love? :lmao: Wake up, there's no such thing.

 

I know that love must sound like an urban myth, but it does exist.

[kitten chick]

No it doesn't and anyone that thinks so is probably the one in the relationship that is being taken for a ride. The sooner people start to believe it the easier it will be to get in and out of relationships.

[Pyro]

I guess that seeing is believing when it comes to love.

 

For the record, I am not being taken for any ride.

[kitten chick]

Nobody ever thinks that they are or they wouldn't stick around. Sorry. Might as well prepare yourself now.

[Pyro]

Nobody ever thinks that they are or they wouldn't stick around. Sorry. Might as well prepare yourself now.

 

KC, I always admire your posts, but you don't need to try and break my spirits. I am perfectally well aware of the risks that I take upon entering a relationship. I am always mentally prepared for a sudden break-up. If that were to happen, I will be the first to admit that you are right.

[kitten chick]

How am I trying to break your spirits? I'm not sure it's the best idea to come onto someone's thread who's trying to deal with a breakup and start spouting all sorts of B.S. about "love".