Pyro Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 How am I trying to break your spirits? I'm not sure it's the best idea to come onto someone's thread who's trying to deal with a breakup and start spouting all sorts of B.S. about "love". Love is not B.S. I am just trying to defend love, that is all. You are right though, this is not the place to do this. I am guilty of thread hi-jacking. I apologize to you and Jen. A couple lashes of a whip ought to set me straight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 And if you think getting dumped twice in two years is bad, try getting dumped twice in one year, while you're sick. I consider you pretty lucky. That is what happened to me. The breakups were within one year of each other, just not the same calendar year. And I was/am quite sick with RA...and I had pneumonia too. But of course, he said, "We'll get through this together".....that was a week before he dumped me. So, no, I am not lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
clynn Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 I do think you're right about something, though - threadjacking aside. That it is important not to become cynical or bitter in the healing process. Do your very best. Because love is worth believing it. And because of one bad egg, don't think they're all rotten. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 That is what happened to me. The breakups were within one year of each other, just not the same calendar year. And I was/am quite sick with RA...and I had pneumonia too. But of course, he said, "We'll get through this together".....that was a week before he dumped me. So, no, I am not lucky. The first thing that they teach you in T is that to compare yourself to someone less fortunate so if it's not me then find someone else. There are lots of people out there. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Love is not B.S. I am just trying to defend love, that is all. i think feeling in love produces the same chemical reaction in the brain as eating chocolate...don't know where i heard that before, or if i even got it correct...but it sounds good to me! "I never came upon any of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking" - Albert Einstein Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 The first thing that they teach you in T is that to compare yourself to someone less fortunate so if it's not me then find someone else. There are lots of people out there. Yes, I know what you're saying. And in many ways I am fortunate. Despite being born into extreme disadvantage, I kicked and clawed my way into a career that most people have to shell out tens of thousands of dollars to get the pre-requisite college degrees for. And now I have a good, dependable job that I enjoy. I am a cancer survivor. And although I still have a disease that may cripple me, I have fought off a deadly one. But the one area of my life I have never been able to rise above is in the love department. Since the day I was born, every man I've ever loved, starting with my father, has abandoned me. My father, my cheating husband, and three men who I had serious relationships with -- one who left me when I became pregnant, one who left me for an old "friend", and now one who left me because he's "overwhelmed". I've dumped plenty of guys before, but none that I was ever in love with. So, I have a 0% track record of keeping love. This latest ex told me that it wasn't my fault that he was leaving me, but how is that supposed to make me feel any better? I mean, if you love someone then you are should want to go to them for comfort when life gets hairy, not run away from them. So I feel like it is my fault, because if I'd been more lovable, or more anything, then he wouldn't have wanted to risk losing me. I remember when he said, "I don't want to lose you", when he wanted me to give him a second chance. I'm still very confused about that. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 A bit bitter are we? I have no intention of getting out of my relationship and neither does my wife. Since we're equal partners in all things and have mutuality in our relationship there's no reason to. Oh, yeah! And we happen to love one another. Imagine that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 jenjen..you have been through so much and i think you sell yourself short. you have faced so many challenges in your life, and you're still here to tell about them. i find your story most amazing, truly. i cannot possibly understand for the life of me how someone who has so much strength is crumbling like you are...especially for some guy. my goodness. i don't know who posted it here earlier, but please repeat "his loss, not mine". out of all the posters here, i don't think there is anyone who could say it with conviction more than you. hold your head up high...you have a lot to be proud of just because you're you! Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 love? :lmao: Wake up, there's no such thing. I have the following verse in one of my songs: "I have loved so love does exist." If you expect people to love you without YOU loving them then you're searching at the wrong place. The right place is your heart. If they don't return your love - then you loved the wrong person, just like the wrong person can love you. What is hard to find is a person that is your match. We fall in love easily, but our character flaws tear us apart... Jen_jen, it seems like men abandoning you is a pattern that you keep going through. Perhaps there are things in your personality that are causing this to happen; maybe you become too clingy when you're in love or you pick men who are superior to you... think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, amaysngrace. You sound like such a sweetheart. I think many of the folks that are drawn to LS are good, strong, people with beautiful souls who know how to really love someone, but they have had the misfortune of loving people who don't feel love with the same depth and commitment. In that way, although our stories are often different in the way they unfold, many of us here are very much the same. And I think the reason that I'm "crumbling" is that committed love is the one area of my life I've had such failure. And I'm crumbling now even worse than in previous relationships, because I really allowed all of my defenses (walls) to come down when I was with him, because for the first time ever, I completely trusted him. I let myself become completely vulnerable to him, because for the first 90% of the relationship he did everything to earn my trust. And that is why my head is spinning and my spirit is so broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 Jen_jen, it seems like men abandoning you is a pattern that you keep going through. Perhaps there are things in your personality that are causing this to happen; maybe you become too clingy when you're in love or you pick men who are superior to you... think about it. RP, you're right...abandonment is a pattern for me, and it's something that I've worked hard to overcome. While that can cause some people to become clingy, it's caused me to become very independent....because I try not to rely on others because I don't want to be let down. I am definitely one of those people who need some time by themselves, even when in a relationship -- and seeing that I date men, that's not usually a problem. There were a couple of guys that I broke up with because they were becoming too clingy. I prefer interdependence in a relationship, while also allowing some space for independence. Being together is good...being joined at the hip doesn't appeal to me. I wouldn't say that I pick men who are superior to me. I treat those I care for and love with respect. When my ex-husband cheated on his marriage vows, he was not respecting me. When my ex-boyfriend/fiance walked out on me when I became pregnant, he was not respecting me or his unborn child. When my ex-boyfriend cheated on me instead of ending the relationship first, he was not respecting me. And when this latest ex-boyfriend dumped me on the phone while I was very sick, and just days after meeting my family, he was not respecting me....leading me on is not repectful. If those men are superior, then I need to have a good talk with God. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 (((jen))) you opened up to him and he didn't recognize the gift you gave him. he is to blame. you said it best yourself when you said we get paired up with people who aren't able to love like we can love. now, you just have to believe your own words. it was an error in judgment but we all make mistakes. most of us made the same one. if he wasn't able to see the lovely of a person he had in you, then that just makes him dumb on top of everything else. i don't know what else to say that will make you feel better except i really hope you can feel better soon. i really do cuz this whole thing just stinks... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 If those men are superior, then I need to have a good talk with God. well well, it seems like you're feeling better already Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 Yes Curmudgeon, I am quite the cynic. What I don't understand is why about 300 of your posts contain professions of love for your wife, many of them on breakup threads. It makes me question even moreso the reality of love in your relationship. Thou doth protest too much. Perhaps you'd be happier continuing to post with the sex group insted of professing to people who are going through breakups how wonderful love is. There is a time and place for everything. Sorry for the threadjack Jen but this nonsense really gets under my skin. As for you young lady, this may or may not be the case but have you considered whether you are misdirecting your feelings about your upcoming surgery and your disappointment in your friends and family. Perhaps you are having a more difficult time with this breakup because of your other problems. Sometimes it's just easier that way so we do it subconsciously. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 wow...you're very insightful, KC. tie it all into one emotion....hmmm....i hope one day i'm smart as you!! Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 thank you amaysngrace, that was very sweet of you, but I'm not that smart, I've just been there before. I have no idea if this is what Jen is doing, it's just a suggestion for her to look at based on my own experience. And for your sake, I hope that you don't end up like me one day, I'd like you to stay kind. Oh and... Originally Posted by jen_jen_heartbroken If those men are superior, then I need to have a good talk with God. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 12, 2006 Share Posted March 12, 2006 no Kitten Chick...you're kind too. i read what you responded to my thread and even went toe to toe with someone to protect my feelings...i think you're just a marshmallow with a toasted coconut coating!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 have you considered whether you are misdirecting your feelings about your upcoming surgery and your disappointment in your friends and family. Perhaps you are having a more difficult time with this breakup because of your other problems. Sometimes it's just easier that way so we do it subconsciously. Yes, I suppose that it's not helping my overall emotional state. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 12, 2006 Author Share Posted March 12, 2006 no Kitten Chick...you're kind too. i read what you responded to my thread and even went toe to toe with someone to protect my feelings...i think you're just a marshmallow with a toasted coconut coating!! Oh yeah! You've got her number! :bunny: She could also be described as a warm marshmallow covered in cat fur. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Jen, I understand how you feel. I also think that you need to stop doing this to yourself as soon as possible. You know that these things happen to people all the time, and most of us have been on both sides of it. We all know that doesn't make it right. But it does happen. It wouldn't hurt to try to apply the same kind of objectivity to your situation that you do to ones that don't involve you. The fact is, no matter how much you wish he was the one, he's not. I guarantee he had real feelings for you. And they weren't enough, or else he'd be with you now. He might have led you on, maybe he went too far, maybe he gave you the impression that it was "forever". You know it's understandable, and good people do it just as much as bad people. The pain you're feeling is mostly self-inflicted. He isn't calling you or coming over to rub salt in your wounds. You're doing a lot of that yourself. I'm not trying to say "get over it". You can't come away from something like this without some hurt and confusion. But you can definitely make it worse on yourself by allowing these thoughts and the emotions that come with them to have too much control. If you can, I suggest you start thinking positive things about your future. Forget the painful past. I worry that you're going to end up in a much deeper hole than you need to be in. And you'll have a much harder time getting into a good relationship when the opportunity arises. Don't sabotage your own chances. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 f***. I just want him back. Maybe that makes me weak. Or stupid. But it's how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Maybe that makes me weak. Or stupid. But it's how I feel. no (((Jen)))...it just makes you honest. hang in there kiddo Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Hmm, I don't think you miss HIM. I think you miss being in a relationship. I recall about half a dozen threads of things that he did that really upset you where you were questioning the relationship before you broke up. Are you sure it's him that you're missing? And aren't you glad you're not dealing with his unstable behavior anymore? I think you'll start seeing things differently after your surgery. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jen_jen_heartbroken Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 Hmm, I don't think you miss HIM. I think you miss being in a relationship. Why can't I miss both? I really do miss him. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 You can, of course you can but I just don't understand why. He treated you awfully, I don't know, maybe some people like being treated that way, but considering the number of threads you posted pre-breakup I kind of doubt that you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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