Passionless

[serial muse]

It's been about eight months since we broke up.

 

Since then, I've been out on dates with several people, and dated one guy for several months, but I pulled away because I just can't seem to feel anything and it isn't fair to him. I used to have a high sex drive, but now, the thought of anyone touching my body makes me cringe. Even myself.

 

I'm on antidepressants, but not the kind that take away sexual drive. But I just can't feel passion for anyone or anything anymore.

 

Except him.

 

It's not a problem for me to meet people. I'm lonely, yes, but I'm not actually alone, except when I want to be. I live in a big city, I have plenty of friends, I go out fairly often and have met men who I know are interested. I've been asked out enough times in the past few months that despite my profound feelings of rejection and loss and despair, I know it's not like I'll have to be alone forever or anything. Not unless I want to. I can see their interest, I register it, appreciate it in a detached sort of way, but I can't respond. I can't even get up any enthusiasm.

 

I'm worried that I'll never want to be with anyone again. That I'll never again feel that rightness that I once felt, that feeling of "at last", of someone who can actually touch me.

 

My God, how I loved him.

 

And now that I've felt what I didn't even know I could feel, I don't know how to go back to something lesser. I know long-term love is different from passionate love, I know that it's not sustainable, I know that there are different kinds of love and I have to readjust my thinking on the subject. But I just don't know how to do it. How do I not despair that, if it took me 34 years to even find this feeling once, that I may never find it again? How do I adjust?

 

What have I done to myself? Why can't I let go? How can I finally convince myself that it's over, that there isn't going to be a fairytale ending for me?

 

I've never felt so frantic and desperate and trapped in my own feelings in my life. I have never had these despairing, empty, dangerous thoughts before. I am not this person. I have never been this person before. I don't understand her. Where did she even come from? How can I send her back there??

[serial muse]

Freaking PMS.

[kitten chick]

I feel the exact same way.

[whichwayisup]

PMS magnifies EVERYTHING worse than it really is.

 

Chin up and try your best to distract yourself right now. DO something fun! Sitting around and thinking isn't a good thing. It'll only make you feel worse!

[Raven1845]

I feel the exact same way, serial muse. (not the PMS part , but the missing him part, and cringing at the thought of anyone else touching me).

 

I'm a little tired of one of my friends constantly trying to fix me up with someone as well. She'll have them just "show up" at clubs or other outtings and I don't like it.

 

I'm sure we won't feel this way forever, well . . . that's what "they" say at least. Sure feels like it, though.

 

Hang in there.

[kitten chick]

I didn't mean the PMS part either. My saying that I felt the same way was temporary insanity. I'm back on track happier being out of a relationship.

[Yamaha]

Why can't I let go? How can I finally convince myself that it's over, that there isn't going to be a fairytale ending for me?

 

Because your hopes and dreams were shattered.

Yes. Love like that sucks when it ends without the ending you desired.

I even understand your detached feelings now, like your someone else watching your life from a window.

 

It takes a long time to trust again is all I can tell you. You may never trust at that level again and you might feel the need to settle at some point in your life.

 

Good Luck