Need to get over ex (whom I cheated on)

[Guest]

A year and a half ago I was in a 2-yr. relationship that wasn't right for me. Instead of doing the right thing and breaking it off, I let myself grow more emotionally distant and have a brief summer affair with my live-in roommate. After summer ended I broke up with my boyfriend (not telling him that I had cheated on him). I felt terrible about not telling him the whole truth about the breakup, and a few months later I told him over the phone that not only did I break up with him because I felt we had been incompatible, but because I had felt guilty about having cheated on him.

 

Understandably, my ex was furious and hated me even more for telling him the truth months after the breakup. He eventually stopped talking to me and started dating a new woman. I was genuinely sorry for what I did, and I did the best I could by leaving him alone, but I still had feelings for him.

 

I tried to grieve and get over the relationship but it was difficult considering I was still living with my roommate (who had feelings for me and wanted to eventually be in a relationship with me). I had genuine feelings in return, but needed to get over my ex first. It was a slow, painful process, but I finally gave it a try and started dating my roommate.

 

My roommate and I get along wonderfully, much better than my ex and I did, but sometimes I feel depressed about this new relationship. I'm not so proud of how it started, and I sometimes think of my ex and have feelings of guilt and regret that interfere with my ability to happily date again.

 

In short, I still have some feelings for my ex but know not to pursue him because he is not right for me (and neither am I for him). Instead, my roommate and I are well-suited for each other and we have genuine feelings for one another. It's just hard trying to be in this new relationship because of lingering feelings/longings/regrets....and it doesn't help me to know that my ex is now single again (he recently contacted me and told me that past issues resulting from our ugly breakup negatively affected his most recent relationship).

 

I really don't want to go back out with my ex and I know he doesn't want to get back with me, either, but I can't help but think about our past. I wish I had been a better girlfriend, and wish that I had broken up with him honorably. Does this make sense to anyone that I still care for my ex but want to move on? Is it normal to feel something for someone in the past but know that nothing will come of it? I just want to MOVE ON but am finding it difficult to do so. Please, can someone give me advice on how to let go of him and move forward?

[yawhatever]

What kind of feelings do you have for him? Perhaps you still want to be with your ex and you dont eve know it. Sounds like your confused and not sure what you want. After seeing someone else and you still have storng feelings for this person in the past maybe you should confront them and talk about it, try to figure out how you both feel about one another and set things straight in your head.

 

Not sure about this room mate guy but it seems you still have very strong feelings for your ex.

[catgirl1927]

Actually, I think your feelings come more from wanting what you know you can't have than any feelings that have directly to do with your ex. Obviously you don't care for him because you cheated on him. You know you guys aren't right for each other because the relationship was failing before you cheated. Maybe remember these feelings of regret when you get ready to cheat on this guy you're with now, and don't do it.

[reservoirdog1]

I think my ex-wife is dealing with something very similar.

 

She cheated many times during our marriage, finally came clean, and said she wanted out. The marriage is now over and we're divorced. We're still in contact because of the kids.

 

On a number of occasions since then, she's called me, wanting to talk about how we relate to each other. She wants us to be friends, even though she knows that we're totally wrong for each other and doesn't want to be together. I've moved beyond wanting to be in a relationship with her and have largely built a new life without her in it. However, what happened in my relationship with her has definitely negatively impacted my subsequent relationships.

 

I know that she wants to be forgiven by me. I know that she regrets how she conducted herself during the marriage. I assume that she still has feelings for me to some degree (it would be difficult not to, given that we were together for over ten years).

 

Unfortunately, my needs/wants and hers don't really coincide. I don't want friendship and I don't want her in my life. I'm not prepared or willing to invest the emotional energy in forgiving her or giving her the absolution she seeks. I know she's sorry, but that doesn't really mean much to me. And I'm not sure I'll react terribly well the next time she phones me to talk about this stuff -- those discussions take a lot out of me and I'm tired of having them.

 

What I'm trying to do with the above is give you a bit of a sense of what your ex might be feeling -- I hope it didn't sound harsh because that wasn't my intention.

 

Unfortunately, there's very little you can do to "make right" what happened. It will never be right -- what's done is done.

 

The goal you need to aim for is to be able to one day look in the mirror and say, "yes, I did things I'm not proud of in that relationship. But I've changed my ways. I'm a better, stronger, more honest and loyal person now, and I'll never compromise that again." In short, all you can fix is YOU. You can't fix him, and he likely doesn't want your help anyway. Most likely, he doesn't want you in his life. You can't change that, and he will resent you more for trying to be in his life. Sometimes there are consequences to our actions in life, and sometimes they are unpleasant. You will get beyond this, as will he. But it will take time, and it can't be rushed.

 

We can't change other people. We can only change ourselves.

[MadDog]

I think you should actually just take the heartache you're going through as a lesson. Maybe this way you won't make the same mistake during your next relationship. The only way you'd feel better about it anytime soon is if you were able to set right what you've done but there's no way to do that so you'll just have to let time take its course.

 

MD

[yawhatever]

I'm also going through the same thing. I agree with the above, its hard, very hard and likewise I don't wan to be friends b/c it does take too much out of me. My feelings > Her feelings for me, different types of feelings that will imapct me negatively in future relationships.

 

I did the confrontation... it backfired worse than ever b4!! I guess only time will tell.. in your case too.

[Guest]

 

Unfortunately, there's very little you can do to "make right" what happened. It will never be right -- what's done is done.

 

The goal you need to aim for is to be able to one day look in the mirror and say, "yes, I did things I'm not proud of in that relationship. But I've changed my ways. I'm a better, stronger, more honest and loyal person now, and I'll never compromise that again." In short, all you can fix is YOU. You can't fix him, and he likely doesn't want your help anyway. Most likely, he doesn't want you in his life. You can't change that, and he will resent you more for trying to be in his life. Sometimes there are consequences to our actions in life, and sometimes they are unpleasant. You will get beyond this, as will he. But it will take time, and it can't be rushed.

 

We can't change other people. We can only change ourselves.

 

 

I appreciate your thoughtful and serious response to my question. You're right --- I can't right this wrong; I can only change myself and make decisions in the future that I won't regret.

 

I've worked very hard to overcome a negative self-image and to be a better individual, so that in turn I may someday be a better friend/lover/companion. It just hurts, I guess, every time I'm with mutual friends of ours; they don't know what I did to him and our relationship, and they see me as a good person. I feel this guilt around them and think that if they knew what happened, they'd think less of me. I KNOW I am good (my ex has since told me he believes I am a sincere, kind person) even though I've had my moments of weakness. And yes, I did love him, even when I hurt him. I wasn't thinking of consequences when I cheated; if I had, I wouldn't have put him or myself through all this pain and stigma. My heart broke when it hit me what I had put him through, and I will always regret my callousness.

 

He recently told me after his most recent breakup and after several months of not contacting me, "I don't know what to do with you." In other words, he didn't know what to do with the feelings I left him with.

 

I didn't know how to respond, but I let him know that if he ever wanted to discuss anything, I was open to talking/helping him deal. There's not much I can do for him because it's his personal road to recovery, but perhaps I can answer some questions.

 

You're probably right that he doesn't want me in his life. I got that feeling from him over the phone. But it confused me when after all these months he finally contacted me. He must want some closure.

 

If this means he's cutting me completely from his life, I must accept this.

 

Thanks again for responding and listening.