oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I am married and have two children. I cheated on my husban dabout two years ago. I told him about it and ever since we have been working to keep our relationship together. About six months ago i saw a man at a pet store I was at. We looked at each other and said hi. I havent been able to stop thinking about him since then. I saw him again over the weekend and we exchanged numbers. I havent called him yet. I know this is wrong and I should stay away but I cant help but feel this strong connection to him like I am suppose to be with him. Any advice? Do you think this means I am not in love with my husband. I mean things havent been exactly great between us since I cheated. He is more controlling now than ever. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 You sound very unhappily married, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 You cheated once,made a mistake, and are in the middle of trying to make your marriage work. Getting another mans phone number is not going to help your current situation with your husband. I think you need to make a desicon, either work on your marraige whole heartdly or cut your husband loose, if you want to pursue this other man. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 The 'strong connection' you have with someone you don't even know is lust, not a signal you are meant to be together. You can't follow up on every 'strong connection' you have once you're married. What you need to do is stop fantasizing about a stranger and focus on your own marriage. If you feel your husband is controlling and you two are having problems, ask him to see a marriage counsellor with you. The counsellor will be able to tell you if your marriage has potential to be saved. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Hello, I have to ask you a question. Why do you remain married? You cheated on your husband and I assume had sexual relations with another man putting your husband's health at risk for STD's. You broke your vows and humiliated and disrespected your husband in the worst way possible. Your husband forgives you and gives you a second chance to try to rebuild your marriage. You then meet another man and exchange phone numbers with him. What is wrong with this picture? How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You say since you cheated your husband has become more controlling. Why do you suppose that is? Do you think it is because he found out his wife has slept with another man? He has no trust in you and how can you blame him. If you wish to get divorced and break up your family then continue to do what you are doing. I am sure the men that you meet who enjoying playing around with a married woman would be a perfect role model for your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 I stay with him because of our children. We went to counseling once and he didnt want to go again. My husband was abusive physically and into drugs before the affair. I told him about the affair because I thought it would make him wake up. We went to counseling and the counselor only concentrated on the things he has done to me while at counseling so he didnt want to go anymore. I dont think I love him anymore. Even when there wasnt the other man I still think about what it would be like to have a loving, caring relationship. As far as the controlling part with my husband I have to call him while walking to work after getting off the bus, talk to him until I get to work and then call him at work on the work phone. I am not allowed to go out to lunch, I am not allowed to wear certain clothing and I have to call him when I leave work and talk to him until the bus comes and picks me up. He has to actually hear that I am on the bus with other people. We have been together since I was 13 years old and I am now 28. I just wanted some insight as to if I am over reacting or if I should call it off with him. We have sex together and it is okay. But emotionally I am not all into the relationship. I can forget the times he has abused me until I was unconcious and the children yelling at him to stop. Or the times he was all drugged up and was with his friends downstairs partying and didnt come to bed or have sex with me for about a month. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I stay with him because of our children..........I can forget the times he has abused me until I was unconcious and the children yelling at him to stop. sorry, but staying for the kids and they get to see this type of behaviour is NOT good for them OR you. I would seriously re-consider all your options, including divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 13 years old? Oh my god. He refuses counselling? Listen, cheating is ALWAYS wrong and never the answer. But it sounds to me like you and your kids would be better off without him, because he sounds crazy and abusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Hello again, Based on what you have written in your second message then I would strongly suggest that you get of your marriage and look into agencies like abused shelters for women. I agree this is not the type of behavior you would want your children to observe. It also sounds like your life actually could be endangered if he finds out that you are seeing somebody else again. It sounds like you are living like the Taliban. It is time to get out and save yourself and your children. I wish you luck. Seek out legal help. Link to post Share on other sites
yawhatever Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Think the guy needs a better wake up call than that, leave him and seek lega help regarding the kids. I think you did all you could, you tried taking the hard way but I think its time to take the even more difficult path. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 He is no longer abusive and on drugs but he is still controlling. He says it is because I cheated. He stopped abusing me and the drugs when I told him about the affair and that I didnt know if I wanted to be with him anymore. We were seperated for a couple of weeks. I took him back because he had the kids. I have a demanding work schedule and am only home and awake or about two hours a day, except for weekends. He has been off work for three years so it was more convenient for him to have the kids. I just cant forget about all the bad stuff he has done even though it has been about a year since he abused me last. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Wheather he is still being abusive or on drugs, he is still controlling as you have said, which is also a form of abuse. I hope you take into consideration leaving. At least check into your legal situation on the matter. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Sometimes relationships get spoiled and you have to walk away. I don't believe that abusive people change. But, if the drugs were the problem then it might be different. Link to post Share on other sites
MadDog Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 You're not happy in the relationship--it's really that simple. You can get a divorce and your kids will turn out fine as long as they understand what's happening and you are always there for them. Don't stay with him just for the sake of your kids. It's not going to help them any to have a mom that constantly cheats on her husband/their dad. MD Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I stay with him because of our children a lot of people say they stay in a bad marriage for their children...i think that's funny...i left for mine. i was married 9 years to a guy who treated the children and myself terribly. it was all about him. he was first in line for everything, and we got leftovers. he was abusive verbally and, at times, physically. he was not a good role model for my children and while i was with him, i found it very hard to be the strength to overcompensate for his bad behavior and quite frankly, felt like a hypocrite. how would i possibly be able to teach my children that this behavior was unacceptable for them but okay for me?? my biggest fear, in all honesty, was that my daughter would marry a man like him, or worse yet, my son would become that man. i think that stranger you saw was more of a representation of hope more than anything. he sparked in you that glimmer of promise of better things to come, more than he did a romantic prospect. a stranger can't make you feel good...only you, through your actions, can do that for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 Thank you so much for your response amazyngrace. This is really insightful and made me think more about our relationship. The only problem is how do I get out? He tells me if he cant have me no one will. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Call the police. But seriously, most bullies are cowards, and if you stand up and don't act scared they will run like the hyena they are. I would be sure to have no one else, don't see anyone else, don't date, nothing, until all this is over. If he says if he can't have you, no one will, tell him fine, you'd rather be alone than with him. It sounds like it's true. He'll try to make it about other men because then he isn't to blame. But it's not, this is his failure. Make him face it. File for divorce on the grounds that he is physically abusive to you and your kids. Be sure there is a paper trail showing that he's hurt you before. Just do whatever you have to do to get your kids away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Oannamarie, this is so tough really. it took me years to get there. i think the first thing you need to do is make a plan. you don't want to do it spur of the moment because you are likely to end up in a homeless shelter (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That!) it just wasn't for me. and the worse off your position is when you leave, the more likely you are to go back. you said that you work...is that right? is there anyway you can put something aside little by little? whatever you do, it will have to be done very sneakily. and it's going to take a while. truthfully, i had wanted to leave my xH for years, but just couldn't do it comfortably enough to suit me when i wanted to. in a way it worked out fine, because i used the last time we had to disengage from the relationship emotionally. but you may get to where you need to be financially quicker than i could...i was a stay-at-home mom...still am, actually. but i have been where you are now, so i know what you're feeling, to an extent. i am hear if you need an ear...no judgment.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 I do work. In fact I pay all the bills. I dont want to leave my house because I pay for it. It would be great if he would leave but I dont think that is going to happen. It is hard to save up money since he doesnt work and it takes all my pay to make ends meet. I dont have any family around. They all live in another state. I dont have any friends to stay with either and my credit is really bad because my husband ran up all the credit cards and I am having a hard time just trying to make the minimum. The last time we seperated he did leave but said he would never leave again because he doesnt want to stay with anyone else. He wants his own place. If I leave he cant pay the bills and they are in my name. Link to post Share on other sites
catgirl1927 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 Oh no. Is his name on the mortgage? Are your accounts in his name too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 13, 2006 Author Share Posted March 13, 2006 We rent. My name is on the lease. All the other accounts are in my name as well. Both cars, credit cards, loan payment, Etc. He is on the lease with me and he is co owner on his car. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 then i would say hang in there for a bit...maybe see a counselor at your local women's center on lunchbreak. they gave me great help. also too, you may want to contact a lawyer. they can explain things to you from a legal standpoint. but maybe it's too soon for that, really. why doesn't he work? is he unable to? i think you may be better off if he went to work, or you may have to pay him spousal support...nevermind....just talk to someone out of the yellow pages for women's services and they can guide you....sorry i'm not much help but our circumstances are so different (even if we have a lot in common!) Link to post Share on other sites
Dave7355 Posted March 13, 2006 Share Posted March 13, 2006 I am married and have tawo children. I cheated on my husban dabout two years ago. I told him about it and ever since we have been working to keep our relationship together. About six months ago i saw a man at a pet store I was at. We looked at each other and said hi. I havent been able to stop thinking about him since then. I saw him again over the weekend and we exchanged numbers. I havent called him yet. I know this is wrong and I should stay away but I cant help but feel this strong connection to him like I am suppose to be with him. Any advice? Do you think this means I am not in love with my husband. I mean things havent been exactly great between us since I cheated. He is more controlling now than ever. Please help. I think it means you're a woman who will sleep with anybody that shows you that slightest bit of attention. Just like every other woman I ever met in my life. But I know, I'm just bitter. I can't tell you how many women like you I know in my life. Typical woman doesn't care about anybody but herself. Divorce your husband and give him the opportunity to find somebody else. You won't do that though will you? No, you'll cheat on him just like before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oannamarie Posted March 15, 2006 Author Share Posted March 15, 2006 Dave. I am sorry your bitter. I dont think you read all of the posts. I am sure that you didnt beat your wife or use drugs on a regular basis. Yes that is no reason to cheat. I dont sleep with every man that shows many a bit of attention. In fact I never slept with the other man. My husband has been the only guy I have had sex with. Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 a lot of people say they stay in a bad marriage for their children...i think that's funny...i left for mine. i was married 9 years to a guy who treated the children and myself terribly. it was all about him. he was first in line for everything, and we got leftovers. he was abusive verbally and, at times, physically. he was not a good role model for my children and while i was with him, i found it very hard to be the strength to overcompensate for his bad behavior and quite frankly, felt like a hypocrite. how would i possibly be able to teach my children that this behavior was unacceptable for them but okay for me?? my biggest fear, in all honesty, was that my daughter would marry a man like him, or worse yet, my son would become that man. i think that stranger you saw was more of a representation of hope more than anything. he sparked in you that glimmer of promise of better things to come, more than he did a romantic prospect. a stranger can't make you feel good...only you, through your actions, can do that for yourself. Great post Grace - I agree with you 100%. And it's so true that it's NOT necessarily better for the children to be stuck in an unhappy home than with a HAPPY divorced mother. The OP is clearly very unhappy and, if counselling hasn't worked, should definitely think about getting out of this marriage. That said, running straight off to some new guy is not a good idea - she should take time to settle down as a single divorcee, making time for herself and her kids and leaving guys out of it for a while - at the end of the day you've got to learn to be happy by yourself and not expect someone else to make you happy - the day you're truly happy in your own right and know yourself will be the day you meet the guy who's truly right for you. Rushing into a "band-aid" relationship based on lust will just cause more problems......................... Link to post Share on other sites
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