No Stress Lady Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Call the police. But seriously, most bullies are cowards, and if you stand up and don't act scared they will run like the hyena they are. I would be sure to have no one else, don't see anyone else, don't date, nothing, until all this is over. If he says if he can't have you, no one will, tell him fine, you'd rather be alone than with him. It sounds like it's true. He'll try to make it about other men because then he isn't to blame. But it's not, this is his failure. Make him face it. File for divorce on the grounds that he is physically abusive to you and your kids. Be sure there is a paper trail showing that he's hurt you before. Just do whatever you have to do to get your kids away from him. Another good post - between Grace and Catgirl you've got some excellent advice Oannamaria - good luck, I hope you can find the strength to change things for the better for you and your kids.......remember there are loads of organisations that could help you and offer support - use them - so you don't feel you're battling alone. Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodhubbie Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 I stay with him because of our children. We went to counseling once and he didnt want to go again. My husband was abusive physically and into drugs before the affair. I told him about the affair because I thought it would make him wake up. We went to counseling and the counselor only concentrated on the things he has done to me while at counseling so he didnt want to go anymore. I dont think I love him anymore. Even when there wasnt the other man I still think about what it would be like to have a loving, caring relationship. As far as the controlling part with my husband I have to call him while walking to work after getting off the bus, talk to him until I get to work and then call him at work on the work phone. I am not allowed to go out to lunch, I am not allowed to wear certain clothing and I have to call him when I leave work and talk to him until the bus comes and picks me up. He has to actually hear that I am on the bus with other people. We have been together since I was 13 years old and I am now 28. I just wanted some insight as to if I am over reacting or if I should call it off with him. We have sex together and it is okay. But emotionally I am not all into the relationship. I can forget the times he has abused me until I was unconcious and the children yelling at him to stop. Or the times he was all drugged up and was with his friends downstairs partying and didnt come to bed or have sex with me for about a month. It is totally understandable that you would have thoughts about other men if he has treated you so badly in the past and continues to do so. However, thoughts in and of themselves are not bad -- acting on those thoughts would be, even though he is a rotten pri_k. From what I have read here and in all your other posts, I would advise you to seek counseling on your own and get some help, although, if he is watching you THAT closely, it may be hard to do. His threat "If I can't have you no one will." should be taken very seriously. In my opinion you are in serious danger and need to extricate yourself and your children from this relationship at all costs. It is easy to say, I know, but your life won't get any better until you get away from this man. To hell with all the financial crap, it will all work itself out in the end. Plan an escape! Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 Yes, please take that threat seriously! Controlling men are dangerous when they feel they don't have control. You must do whatever you can to manage the situation. I had to leave my abusive ex-husband in gradual steps, and lie to him that it was temporary when we did separate. Everyone here has given you excellent advice. Seek counsel immediately from a battered womens' group. You need people! That's why you keep looking at men like you do. You think they will rescue you. As the poster said, they also represent hope. And it's a good sign that you have hope. You need love and will seek it until you get it. That's human. It's okay. Just go to the right people to get it. Not a guy just yet. Friends, a support group, family, etc....I know from experience that you can't go through this alone. You need people to help rescue you. Leaving was the bravest thing I ever did. I stayed many years for the kids, and finally left for them, too. I was afraid of the unknown. But one day, I wanted better, at any cost. I used my anger and hope to get myself out. Your children will admire you (eventually!) Stay strong. You are not alone. And please, don't go hook your train to a new guy just yet. You will be trading one set of problems for another. You will probably pick another loser controller until you get better man radar. Get your love from friends, family, or new friends who are strong enough to help you. PM me anytime. I've been there. You will be okay. Let other people stand beside you and hold you up while you take the necessary action. Start small. Call the shelter. Join the support group. Open a new bank account and funnel money into it. I did this by cashing checks at the grocery store. He thought I was buying lots of groceries. DON'T TELL HIM YOU ARE DOING ANY OF THIS! He will be threatened. Keep him in the dark. Use your power for yourself, not to placate him. You will begin to feel so much more powerful and brave! Big hug to you! (I wish I could really give you one.) Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 thank you, No Stress Lady, for your kind words. i understand what you mean when you say to take time for ourselves to just "be". although i'd like a relationship with a special someone, i'm just not there yet emotionally (it's been a year since i left) but i'm more than okay with being by myself...i enjoy my own company and Oannamarie, nicki is right, it's true you need to try and put something aside for yourself. and be discreet. i suggest if you open a bank account in your name, you open a PO box near your work. and if that's not possible, maybe have your bank statements sent to your job (with your supervisor's permission, of course, if you have a boss you can confide in), and if that's not an option, perhaps the women's center you choose to go to. also, too, if you access any info on the internet at home, please be sure to clear your recent history. this will keep you safe. i, too, wish i could give you a big hug as well !! Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 15, 2006 Share Posted March 15, 2006 "The grass is greener on the other side" The things that you don't know about him might seem alluring but when you find out how he really is then this might change. He might turn out to be worse than your husband. You should either stop wondering "what if" with this other guy or tell your husband that it is over and take a chance. Don't hurt your husband for selfish reasons. It is unnecessary here. In the end if you end up hurting your husband you would only be hurting yourself and your children. Perhaps it is not your husband that is the problem but rather you. I think you are missing something in your life and you are looking for it elsewhere... think about that... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 In my opinion you are in serious danger and need to extricate yourself and your children from this relationship at all costs. It is easy to say, I know, but your life won't get any better until you get away from this man. To hell with all the financial crap, it will all work itself out in the end. Plan an escape! i have to disagree with you on this one, GoodHubbie. i don't think she is in immediate danger so long as she stays with him. once she leaves, well then that is another thing entirely. but i think she is best at knowing what to say and what not to say to him right now in order to keep the peace. abuse is a cycle, one too many of us are all too familiar with. when you're in an abusive relationship for years, you know what works in keeping these abusers calm. it becomes second nature. on leaving now...while this may sound logical it just isn't that easy. as mothers, we realize that we are going to be responsible for breaking up the only family unit our children have ever known. we know that we are taking them away from their daddies and no matter how dysfunctional their relationships are, they are still the only daddies they have. it is a most traumatic time in a child's life, truly. as a mom, i just didn't feel as though i wanted to reduce my children further by having them abandon all of their earthly possessions. (baby pictures, pre-school diplomas, stuffed animals, etc) i just thought this would only make things harder for my children. plus, add on top of all this they now go from a house to a room in a house shared by others who are equally traumatized. i preferred to have a plan in which i could land on my feet intact and offer my children a safe haven of our own. leaving an abusive spouse takes planning. hard, thought out planning and while i agree with you that things will fall into place eventually, this takes much time and the more prepared you are when you leave, the better it will be for all once you have gotten away. i believe that the worse off the women are financially after leaving, the more likely they are to have no choice but to return to their abuser. formulating a plan is empowering. and it's a step in the healing process as well. i don't mean to step on your toes or insult you, GoodHubbie, i am just speaking from experience. Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodhubbie Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 i don't mean to step on your toes or insult you, GoodHubbie, i am just speaking from experience. Not insulted at all , and what you say makes great sense. I posted what I posted because I was/am honestly scared for this lady and wanted her to at least see that leaving is an option. That's why I ended it with plan an escape!. It just seemed like no one was suggesting this as an option for her and, to my mind, what she is/was going through warrants leaving this bozo. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Yes,exactly. After years of being with him, you know how to keep the peace. Just keep doing that until you can formulate your plan and get out, or get him out. You are an expert on his behavior. Use that to figure out how you will take action. The good news is that you can now emotionally detach and stop waiting for him to change. You know that you can't get any comfort from him. Just play along. Tell yourself that you are now in control, even if you seem to be going along with what he says. This is a big shift in thinking. You will feel better immediately. I also didn't want my kids' lifestyle to change. The fewer the changes, the better for them, if possible. I ended up with the house because we owned it. My ex had to leave. But I had a plan in place first. I actually told him that we needed to separate to work things out. That I wanted to make the marriage work. I lied. Because I knew he would never ever go otherwise. So, find out his motivation and use it against him. After you set up a bank account, you can opt to have the bank statements sent to the bank. Or you can opt for on-line banking and not receive any statements. Be careful of your home computer, however. Assume that he has spyware. Maybe just use your computer at work. If he finds out about the money, lie and tell him that it was supposed to be a surprise trip for the both of you. That you wanted to do something nice for him. Lie, lie, lie until you are safely away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Oh, I forget to tell you that a good time to get him to agree to anything is right after one of his "episodes." You know what I mean. After an abusive episode, he becomes all nice and apologetic. That's when you have some power. You can get him to leave, etc. Just make sure that you make him take action while he is still motivated. After a while, he will cycle through feeling better, relieved, and not care how you feel anymore. Then the pressure will build up until he explodes again. Watch the cycles. Don't be caught unaware. You will feel powerful if you realize where you are in the cycle, and that the cylce will continue on and on forever until you leave.... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 Oh, I forget to tell you that a good time to get him to agree to anything is right after one of his "episodes." You know what I mean. After an abusive episode, he becomes all nice and apologetic. That's when you have some power. i so know what you're saying, nicki. the real leverage comes after the split, IME. he will do anything you ask him to because he thinks it's temporary. just play along and keep giving him that hope. he is even generous with his time for the children as well, and will sort of represent a healthy daddy for them, which helps soften the blow on their end. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted March 16, 2006 Share Posted March 16, 2006 That's why I ended it with plan an escape!. It just seemed like no one was suggesting this as an option for her and, to my mind, what she is/was going through warrants leaving this bozo. i'm glad you're okay, GoodHubbie. and i'm glad you're a GoodHubbie...your wife is very lucky to have found you!! Link to post Share on other sites
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