Is there anything I can do ?

[Sad]

I could really use some input on what's going on with me and the ex lately-

 

So he's started "seeing" people. Of course this was of great shock to me, and destroys me inside, but I know it's what he wants and I want to be supportive of that. Him and I have been together the past 5 years from ages 16-21. I realize these are vital years for growth, development, and so forth. We had never dated other people, so I know he's curious about that. I love him more than anything and don't want to lose him. We are apart at separate colleges, so I realize he's going to live his own life. My question is are my chances over? I mean once he starts getting more involved with people does that mean I'm off the list. Does he lose all romantic feelings for me and move on? I still want to make this work and I know he is unwilling, so I am willing to wait. I know waiting is bad, but I am interested in working more on myself and my issues and getting me straitended out in the mean time. We're trying to be friends now and it's going ok. I don't know if I could stop contact with him, but if I did could it possibly bring us back together? I just want to know if there is anything I can do or not do or if I just have to sit back and let time tell. I really love this guy more than anything- I just don't want to lose him.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Tony T]

There are compelling reasons why your guy wants to see other people. In biological terms, it's called proximity. The courting process for all species takes place when male and female are in physical proximity. (What happens on the Internet is something that has only come up in the last evolutionary second or two and it doesn't last if proximity doesn't eventually take place, unless there is pathology involved).

 

Until you are in your friend's proximity, you have only a small chance. People in your age group often move in separate ways emotionally when separated.

 

If you are hell bent on keeping him in your life romantically, you better get a side job and buy a plane ticket often to visit him and be with him IN PERSON. You will never be able to compete with others who are a few feet away.

 

I am sure he will remain your friend but you want a lot more. The only way that will surely happen is to be near him.

[Sad]

Tony,

 

Thank you for your response. I cannot agree with you more about proximity. I remember learning about the "proximity affect" in an old psychology class. It's so true too. That's why I've always thought college dorms were hotbeds for hooking up- they live, eat, breathe, and sleep together- then you throw in hormones. So you've kinda confirmed my worst fear- that was my reason for the post, if there is indeed anything I can do. I am finishing my final year of college, as is he, so we are pretty much stationary where we are. No doubt I'd just on the next plane if it would get him back, but for now, I have to finish school, I know that. I just don't want to lose him in the process. Last year he was away all year and we stayed together and did the long distance thing. It acutally went very well, we spoke daily, and visited at least once a month. Problem is, he doesn't want to talk as much, isn't planning on coming here, and I don't think he would be very open about me visiting. So that kinda leaves me stuck. If I were somehow able to build the friendship stronger, like it used to be, and perhaps start talking more do you think the phone is enough? You said I have no chance against the girls that are closer to him, and I totally agree, but I just can't let the love of my life slip away. Help !

There are compelling reasons why your guy wants to see other people. In biological terms, it's called proximity. The courting process for all species takes place when male and female are in physical proximity. (What happens on the Internet is something that has only come up in the last evolutionary second or two and it doesn't last if proximity doesn't eventually take place, unless there is pathology involved). Until you are in your friend's proximity, you have only a small chance. People in your age group often move in separate ways emotionally when separated. If you are hell bent on keeping him in your life romantically, you better get a side job and buy a plane ticket often to visit him and be with him IN PERSON. You will never be able to compete with others who are a few feet away. I am sure he will remain your friend but you want a lot more. The only way that will surely happen is to be near him.