Mz. Pixie, read!!

[Mz. Pixie]

I personally think that to prove that she wants to work on the marriage she needs to meet a couple of conditions.

 

First of all, no contact with the other guy- period. None. She must tell him she's working on the marriage. Then, more marriage counseling.

 

You will not settle for her dating you and seeing him at the same time.

[bkz]

I agree Mz. Pixie and our therapist and I spoke about it this morning but im just not sure what im gonna do yet. The therapist said that obviously the relationship is and has been inapropriate but my w has said in councelling with her she has no sexual interest in him and hes just not what she would find attractive. Kinda close to a breach of confadentiallity there on her part isnt it? But basically what I think shes trying to tell me is theres been no physical affair in her oppinion? Anyways, I also told her my w's been calling me 3-4 times a day and shes not doing well physically plus I found out from my inlaws shes been trying to get my sister inlaw (27 years old) and my brother inlaw (19 years old) to come over and hang out/spend the night when the kids arent there with her at her trailor but both have been unwilling. I also know she was suppose to have one of her girlfreind stay over for a couple nights but that didnt happen either, sounds like mabye she's a bit lonley? I dont know what to think with her calling and leaving me messages all the time on my cell and at home, I could take it as her just trying to string me along or that she really does miss me? Therapist says this is why she encouraged my w to move out and for me to continue to not answer her calls nor return them unless its about the kids cause this is what she needs is to see what things are like without me. Dr told me this was her hope from the biggining and the only way she sees my w coming to her for help and wanting to work on our marriage. Its still hard for me to sorta swallow my pride and not hold her accountable for her actions, but if I want any chance at our marriage working out I need to be paciant and this point dont I?

[Mz. Pixie]

If that is what the therapist is suggesting then yes. She's the one seeing both of you so she should know better than I.

 

I feel for your wife in ways. I know how it feels to have emotional problems- although mine were due to abuse in my childhood rather than things of my own doing.

 

Then again, I feel for you too. You've been pretty loving and patient through this whole thing and I hate to see you get the wrong end of the stick.

[bkz]

Just got off the phone with my w. She saw the therapist this morning and she told her that it wasn’t fair to keep me hanging on and keep sending me mixed signals. Im pretty sure the hanging on part isn’t what Dr. told her cause yesterday I told her I was gonna try and hang in there. Dr. also told her to get the book I Hate You Don’t Leave Me, why would she have my w get that book? Im just not sure what Dr is doing. My mom and others around us think my w is spiraling and heading for a physical or emotional breakdown? Well in our conversation I may have just pushed her a little closer. To make it short I told her for me to stay in the marriage she has to show me that she wants to work on it. I also told her Dr. is not the one that’s gonna save our marriage, gods the only one at this point that will give us any hope at all, witch we both agree. I said I think we both need to continue to see Dr. no matter what but that was just for self improvement. She said she didn’t want everything to get to this point that its not what she wanted, I reminded her that its exactly what shes done and these were all her decisions not mine, she knows how I feel about making the marriage work. I told her im ready for a divorce and to get on with my life and get the kids out of this situation cause they’re really starting to suffer. I also said id still like to make thing work but id be fine either way, witch is true. She said shes not ready for a divorce, but I reminded her that I was if she wasn’t willing to work on the marriage. She started crying and I said goodbye and hung up. Did I do the right thing? Ive been praying an awful lot and asking for guidance. Everything ive been reading tells me to be patient and loving but my heart keeps telling me to push forward. Ive also started feeling REAL uncomfortable when im around her and I don’t feel the love or connection I felt a couple weeks ago before she left, yet I still love her and want it to work but realize that may not be for the best that everyones right, id be better off moving on and not having to deal with her for the rest of my life. Im real interested to get your thoughts on why Dr. would tell her to get that book after she had me and her mom get it a week or so ago? Oh and i'll be seing her tonight at her place to pick the kids up, not sure what to say or how to act. Hug, no hug, understanding, firm, short or try and talk with her? The kids will be around so probley not gonna be talking relationship stuff, but mabye some conversation just to eas the tention a bit?

[Mz. Pixie]

B-

 

I think that you did really well with setting some boundaries.

 

Perhaps the reason the dr told her to get the book was to see if she could read it and recognize herself in it? I'm unclear on that part as well. I'm also confused about why she said that part about "stringing you along?" what was that about?? Why would she be stringing you along if she doesn't want a divorce? That doesn't make sense.

 

**It might help if you would paragraph your posts rather than running it all together **

 

I think it's fine to continue to be loving to her when you have contact with her but to keep contact at a minimum. You want to keep repeating to her "I love you and I want to work on the marriage, but I need your committment to do so. If you won't give up the OM then I won't accept being #2" etc. Don't run every time she calls. Keep your conversations about the kids.

 

I think it would be a good idea to continue to see the counselor- and perhaps talk to them about setting a time limit for her to get her head in the game and for her to write a no contact for life letter to the OM. What are your thoughts on that?

 

It seems to me that you're pushing forward to a plan B in some ways according to marriagebuilders? Which is, as I understand, about insulating yourself from losing any more love for your wife and protecting yourself and working on yourself?

 

I think in ways that she's scared. She wants to be able to have her cake and eat it too- she wants a happy little life with you- and all of your attention- but she wants this other guy too- for whatever she's getting from him. That's not what you want. That's not what's best for your kids. I think that you telling her that perhaps did wake her up a bit??? Only time will tell.....

 

Give a post as soon as you can to let me know what happened last night.

Positive thoughts your way!

[bkz]

Thanks you for your imput. Ok paragraphs, I can do that.

 

Last night I was to pick the kids up from her place. I talked to her before hand and she told me my son (5 yo) had a pre kindergarden oriantation at 6:00. I said I would like to attend and she thought that would be great if I staid for dinner and went with her and the kids together, so I went along with it. Things went well but I noticed now shes not wearing a ring at all, she was wearing her grandmothers ring on her wedding finger the last couple weeks and she knows thats a REAL sore spot for me and my mom thinks its my w's way of showing some sort of control cause shes really loosing control of everything else?

 

When I got ready to go home she wanted to give me a hug and this morning when I dropped the kids off she talked to me a bit and seemed ok.

 

She also told me last night that the therapist said we both could use some medication while were going through this. Ive asked the therapist a # of times if she feels I should take some meds to help me stay a little more steady and she said no but shed let me know if the time came. My w said to me she doesnt need the meds and it would only hide her true feelings and thats not what she wants. I asked her if I would take the meds would she? And she said no way, she doesnt need them. Dr. has been telling her since the biggining 8 months ago she could use meds but shes still refusing.

 

Also my mother inlaw was at her house last night before me and I talked with her later. She said my w never mentioned to her that Dr told her to get the book, not sure why she wouldnt tell her but told me?

 

I decided last night to do somthing I feel a little guilty about but...... I barrowed my w's hair brush and took the hair from it. Im gonna take it down and have it annalized to see whats going on or not going on with her, good idea or bad? I did feel the lump on her neck and its a lymph gland not thyroyed and the therapist told her the same thing plus noticed the wieght loss. She told my w to go to the doctor as have I and her mom. Funny thing is my w is a total hyporcondriact (I know you know this from all the stuff ive posted) as was her grandmother, and she runs to the doctor for even the smalles of things normally. Heck I have excellent insurance and our copays every month are still 2-300 bucks because of all the meds and Dr visits. But now she wont go see him when her hair is falling out, shes been bleeding for 5 weeks, shes loosing a bunch of wieght, she gets dizzy if she stands for too long and shes got a lump on her neck, what gives? Mabey shes affraid they'll do blood work on her and finde something? Or she thinks theres something really wrong with her and shes scared? When I talked to therapist wed. and told her the symtoms she said it sounds like anorexia, since my w is so insecure and concerned with her looks she thought it was a possibility. My w has said, well one good thing about all this stress is im loosing wieght and look good, yeah whatever.

 

Hopefully im paragraphing ok for you?

Even before reading marriage builders I started really making the effort to take better care of myself if nothing else for the kids. Trying to hold onto possitive feeling towards my w is getting a little more difficult as of late and im starting to feel more anger, resentment and feeling sorta like ive been betraid by someone I trusted and loved COMPLETELY. Thats the real hard part, Dr. says my streingths are im trusting, respectfull and honest. These are the main things I feel my w has done to betray me?

[Mz. Pixie]

If she's anorexic she'll begin to stop having a period probably.

 

If it's drug use that could explain why she's behaving this way- not wanting to see a dr.

 

Have the hair analyzed for drugs- illegal etc. Not sure if you can do this legally though???

 

She might not have been told to get the book, she may just be telling you that because she wants to read what they told you to read??

 

The not wearing the wedding ring is a big deal, B. Women often do that when they want to distance from their partner, I know I did. Not a good sign- because she's looking like she's available. If she didn't want a divorce why would she stop wearing her rings??>

 

Look at her actions, not at what she says-