Guest Posted March 14, 2006 Share Posted March 14, 2006 I posted below under "still want her". I have been emailing back and forth with her a little today. I did ask her to dinner and she is thinking about it. However, I did ask if I could call her, and I asked before calling out of respect for her, she said "yes". So, whats I guy to say without putting too much pressure on someone and, without taking the chance that I will further push her away? Tomorow night at 9:30 is when we agreed to talk on phone. Any advice appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Prettyinblack Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Be honest about what you want with her and from her. Who ended the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 Ya know... I myself am soooo over the *talking phase* of relationships. It never, imo, amounts to crap. I am re-dating a guy from my past, and I never talk about, or drudge up the past...or pressure him. It just doesn't work, because words are cheap. I've been burned many times by trusting the words, but not having their actions amount to crap. Also, I think my BF admires my relationship secure-ness. I never used to be that way, and when I was needy, it would drive him away. If this gal likes/loves you and sincerely wants to spend time with you, then you should not need to pressure her into having the 'talk'. I think that it will drive her further away, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 just be careful what you say.... any WORD or PHRASE you use that would display 'feelings for her' or 'emotions' for her will push. The less you say, the more mysterious you'll seem. Think before you speak. Better to leave her feelings curious... and wanting more, then telling her how you feel. Sorry, but it's the truth... Wouldn't you much rather pull then push? Actually, I wouldn't call at 9:30 at all. Cause you're not ready for this 'talk' with her. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 just be careful what you say.... any WORD or PHRASE you use that would display 'feelings for her' or 'emotions' for her will push. The less you say, the more mysterious you'll seem. Think before you speak. Better to leave her feelings curious... and wanting more, then telling her how you feel. Sorry, but it's the truth... Wouldn't you much rather pull then push? Actually, I wouldn't call at 9:30 at all. Cause you're not ready for this 'talk' with her. Yep! Good points Dinnj! Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 *pats self on the back* Now if only I can listen to my own advice... Last night I almost drunk txt my special someone.. damn st. patty's day. But I made it through the night... of course, throwing my cell phone out the window helped. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 18, 2006 Share Posted March 18, 2006 *pats self on the back* Now if only I can listen to my own advice... Last night I almost drunk txt my special someone.. damn st. patty's day. But I made it through the night... of course, throwing my cell phone out the window helped. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Two things, never "ask" them to dinner (and ex especially) in that way. It already implies pressure. You could say something like "I'll be in your area having dinner if you would like to join me." That way it's not like you are asking them out, but rather asking for their company. Secondly, if you do go, make it light and breezy. No talk about the past, no dwelling on anything. Just laugh and joke a lot, be elusive (don't answer a lot of direct questions 'directly' (it adds to being mysterious). Talk about the fun things you're doing and how busy your life is. Any talk about you/her/relationship/past/problems or that sort will be a negative. Fun/light/breezy/entertaining/charming/smiling/confident, etc, those are the qualities you want to display to an ex. Make them realize them miss you and that part of you. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Fun/light/breezy/entertaining/charming/smiling/confident, etc, those are the qualities you want to display to an ex. Make them realize them miss you and that part of you. I agree with your advice, CaliGuy. I never really knew why I kept driving my 'X' away. But, looking back on it now, it was cause I was pressuring him too much. Nobody wants to be pressured or have to answer questions all the time. That's so insecure/needy and no fun. Ugh. Now, we've been back together for a month. Seems like the more I don't talk about *us*, the more I remain a mystery to him. It's like now, if I say *anything* resembling how I feel...he's like, "what? what was that? whatdya say?" I keep it to one sentence, and then move on to something else. I just figure that I show him how I feel...no need to discuss it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Fun/light/breezy/entertaining/charming/smiling/confident, etc, those are the qualities you want to display to an ex. Make them realize them miss you and that part of you. agreed... but... "I'll be in your area having dinner if you would like to join me." That way it's not like you are asking them out, but rather asking for their company. cmon now... that's no different then asking them out. I've read your posts/situation... Honestly, without the risk of arguement... if your ex told you she happened to be in the neighborhood and wanted your company for lunch... Your mind would be racing and your heart would skip a beat... just like anyone else's. Probably spend an hour pickin' out just the right outfit, just the right amount of cologne, gotta brush the teeth three times... Hell, I'd probably rub one off just before the leaving the house... Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 if I say *anything* resembling how I feel...he's like, "what? what was that? whatdya say?" I keep it to one sentence, and then move on to something else. doesn't it just suck having to play a game and a game it is... with the one you love??? Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Well...I saw CaliGuy's point The difference is that the first way implies that he is taking her to dinner. The second implies that he's living his life, doing his own thing, and being his own person... and that if she'd like to come along, she's welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 "doesn't it just suck having to play a game and a game it is... with the one you love????" No comment. I don't feel the need to explain myself to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 No pattern here... just agreeing that you have to distance yourself from the one you love when you want some attention back. Like you said YOU were doing. It works... like my advice. Not being judgemental at all... just truth.. Cmon... if your EX, someone you were crazy about forever, broke your heart, disappeared off the face of the earth leaving you high and dry... then suddenly invites you to accompany him to lunch JUST because he's in the area... you wouldn't think he was interested??? vs. Simply asking you out to dinner? That's not being soooo judgmental... that's me stating, they are the same thing. sheesh... and I thought we were on the same level here. Judgemental... hmmph... that hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 Truce, dinnj1. I guess I read your post wrong. I got the impression that I was being accused of playing games with the one I love. I was offended. Not that I need to explain, but....I can guarantee you it's not a game. I used to be a co-dependent person in relationships. I've been single for almost three years, and in that time, I've learned the meaning of "me, myself, & I". Now, that I'm seeing him again, I just have NO NEED at all to discuss my feelings with him. It's not that I'm going out of my way to distance myself from him or suppress my feelings. I just am not a needy person anymore. I know I'll be ok either way. Now, when I date...I can see both sides of the coin, per say. What it's like to be needy vs. what it's like to be secure. Quite interesting how I'm being perceived by SO now. He can't get over how much I've changed. He seems so much more open now and willing. I repeat, it's not a game. Link to post Share on other sites
Dinnj1 Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 agreed... being secure and confident will always make you look more 'attractive' being needy is very hard for some to overcome... myself included. Some have it, some don't. Some have to work on it.... Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted March 19, 2006 Share Posted March 19, 2006 agreed... being secure and confident will always make you look more 'attractive' being needy is very hard for some to overcome... myself included. Some have it, some don't. Some have to work on it.... Exactly! For me to change, I literally had to go through hell and back! I guess what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Now that I'm secure and confident *around him*...makes a world of difference to our relationship. For him to come back into my life after three years...shows me that this guy really loves me. ...however, I still have my codependent moments in other areas of my life. Also, if a person is codependent, and is pretending to be secure in the relationship that would be considered a game. So, my advice would be to take some time out in your life...face your issues & improve yourself. If they still care...they'll be there waiting for ya in the wings! Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted March 20, 2006 Share Posted March 20, 2006 agreed... but... cmon now... that's no different then asking them out. I've read your posts/situation... Honestly, without the risk of arguement... if your ex told you she happened to be in the neighborhood and wanted your company for lunch... Your mind would be racing and your heart would skip a beat... just like anyone else's. Probably spend an hour pickin' out just the right outfit, just the right amount of cologne, gotta brush the teeth three times... Hell, I'd probably rub one off just before the leaving the house... The difference is is doesn't "pressure" them to have lunch with you. The less pressure, the more likely they are to say yes. Asking them directly=pressure. Asking them indirectly=no pressure. Link to post Share on other sites
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