Fear!!!

[cow]

I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and pampers me, but he does not want to commit. We are very much a couple in the sense that we hold hands when we go out, and we have met each others' family and friends, however, whenever we talk about long-term stuff, he shys away. And he always talks about how we will not last as a couple.

 

That really upsets me, because I wonder if I'm wasting my time on him. If he really loves me, why won't he commit??

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "That really upsets me, because I wonder if I'm wasting my time on him. If he really loves me, why won't he commit??"

 

1. You say he does not want to commit.

 

2. You say you are very much a couple in the sense that you hold hands when you go out. Say what???

 

3. Whenever you talk about long term stuff, he shys away.

 

4. He ALWAYS talks about how you will not last as a couple.

 

This guy is HONEST!!! For Gawds sake, women are ALWAYS asking for honest men....men who will be HONEST with their feelings. This guy's a prince.

 

He has told you in terms more clear than 95 percent of wimpy men that he does not want to spend the rest of his life with you. This guy doesn't have a bone of fear in his body. It takes a lot of guts to be that honest with a person we love. He does love you but he doesn't feel that as a couple you're going to last...and you may not.

 

Love is only one component of picking a person we are going to spend the rest of our lives with. This guy is smart enough and rational enough to see other things...like incompatibilities, lack of good timing, his financial or career status, etc. and determine this is not going to be a happening thing. My guess is that he's trying to spare your feelings further but if you really want to know his exact reasons, ask him and tell him you're tough enough to handle the straight answers...if you think you really are.

 

But don't go through your life thinking love, by itself, is going to carry your relationships to the finish line because it just ain't so.

 

So now, you've got the truth from him, straight from him. You can stick around and just enjoy his company, etc. He has already very clearly warned you it probably won't last so you already know there's a very good chance that at some point you will be hurt.

 

Or, yep, there's a mini-chance that his mind could change but don't count on it.

 

So don't put the fear thing on this guy. He's got nerves of steel. YOU are the one with the fear and I don't blame you. Most women who were in love with a guy who keeps saying he doesn't see them lasting as a couple would be scared to death.

[Lauren]

It is difficult to totally understand what is going on here because you do not go into great detail about your relationship. It could simply mean that this guy is a commitment phobic. Commitment phobics are curable. I would suggest that you find out his basis of shying away from commitment and why he expressly feels that you would not make a good couple. You certainly do not have a crystal ball to read his feelings and motives. Perhaps he has been hurt before and is scared. You really need to address his issues in a caring and respectable way with him. Acknowledging that he has every right to feel the way that he does; just as you do. Maybe he recognizes that you are doing things and resemble a "couple" and panics - thinking you might automatically be marching him down the aisle. Again, it is important for you both to talk about your position in this relationship. If you two truly care about one another, I wouldn't give up quite yet. I would stay low and not be demanding. Continue expressing an interest and continue being loving. Don't forget about yourself - go out with friends, go out dancing, take a needlepoint class, do aerobics at the gym. Get out there and be the wonderful person you are. This will really hit home if he is a commitment phobic. He will realize what a great person you are and how other people react to your good qualities and might bump him up a notch or two. Whatever the result - you're improving and expanding yourself. You will also know what this relationship is really all about. Good luck. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me and pampers me, but he does not want to commit. We are very much a couple in the sense that we hold hands when we go out, and we have met each others' family and friends, however, whenever we talk about long-term stuff, he shys away. And he always talks about how we will not last as a couple. That really upsets me, because I wonder if I'm wasting my time on him. If he really loves me, why won't he commit??

[midori]

In some ways I agree with what Tony says. However I was in a very similar situation with a man who was predicting that we wouldn't last out of one side of his mouth while telling me how perfect I was for him, how he could never find a better lover, partner and helpmate (and how he wanted those things) than me. So sometimes it's hard to know which message to focus on when there's a lot of doubletalk (explicit or implicit).

 

Believe the negativity. Because if he's got doubts, fears, whatever you want to call them and they're enough to prompt him to warn you that a happily-ever-after scenario is unlikely then that's probably the case -- even if HE wishes it weren't so.

 

While I agree with Tony that this man is being brave, I think his bravery only goes so far. If you've been honest and upfront with him about your hopes for permanence & commitment (rather than biding your time in the hopes that he'll come around before you have to reveal your hopes) then he knows perfectly well where you stand. And he knows that he cannot, will not meet those hopes. That being the case, if he were really, truly, fully brave he would end things with the admission that you and he want different things and that's never going to change.

 

I doubt he's going to be that brave. It sounds like, much like my ex did, he's warning you while simulataneously giving you signals that he might change at some point. Now it's time for you to be brave and admit to yourself that this guy will likely stall as long as you're willing to tolerate it, and will disappear once you're not. Spare yourself further disappointment and heartache. End it now and don't look back.

 

I'm sorry to be so grim but I know what I'm talking about. This is exactly what I've been going through.

 

Good luck

 

-midori

 

PS: A further bit of advice from unhappy experience: if you break it off and he tries to come back around with renewed promises and appearances of meaning it, don't believe it too soon. Don't jump until he can demonstrate that he's really & truly where he says he is. This kind of doubter can trick himself into believing anything that is convenient at the time, but if it's not for real you'll soon find out.