any would be nice.

[hannibalking]

OK. I have read and re-read some of the posts on here and I REALLY like this forum. It is nice to see that there are other people dealing with similar issues...however I am really scared to get pummeled with nasty opinions. But here it goes anyhow!

 

My W and I are currently separated for the second time. We have been married for almost 2 years. My W was married before me and has a child from her first H. We "hooked up" while she was separated from her first H. We thought it was fate and that we were soulmates and we "just knew" it was right. Before you know it she was D and we were going for it together. I felt REALLY guilty for "hooking up" with her while she was still married. But I went with it anyway seeing as I had a secret crush on her prior. I "just knew" she was the one.

 

We ended up moving in together after a while and were very physically involved - never had better. It really was good. She is very insecure however...constantly worried if I wanted to be with my ex - girlfriend. I am assuming it is because we would run into my ex in public every once in a great while and it was pretty obvious that my ex got emotional whenever she saw me. I hated that. I didn't know what to do.

 

Anyhow...my W has a pretty strong temper. AND a pretty strong use of cuss words. We began constantly fighting about the smallest things. I often felt emotionally abused by the "F**k You's" and "You're such a D**K" and "Shut UP!" I don't care what you are having an argument about - it just shouldn't resort to name calling. I am no where near perfect, but I have always treated her like a lady.

 

I am a huge romantic. I used to cook breakfast for my W and stepchild everymorning and warm up her car before work and leave little sticky notes everywhere letting her know how much I loved her and sent her flowers all the time...I did this for the first 2 and a half years...even while we were fighting. I took alot of the blame for our arguments because I just wanted to stop fighting. I kept my mouth shut and took alot of yelling at me that I probably shouldn't have. Let me say that she isn't pure evil, I know it sounds like I am making her out to be. She was sweet to me at times as well...it just seems like she was only happy if things were going her way all the time. I feel like she never wanted to hear my side of things, anytime she would try, she would get upset and start yelling. Looking back I am pretty sure I had no idea of what was involved in being a stepfather or a H or trying to be the leader of a family.

 

When we went on our honeymoon her whole family went and we had 1 night to ourselves. I hated that. I wanted to spend my honeymoon with my W not a family reunion.

 

I have been mostly involved in long term relationships through out my life, usually 3 yrs or more each relationship. I am mature enough to realize that arguments are going to happen. I just don't like how one sided our arguments came to be. (sorry this getting really long) Basically I got fed up of her degrading nature and I said I wanted to be sparated and moved out. She hated it and wanted to work things out. I think while I was just taking it and taking it I was unknowingly reaching my limit. I had had enough. I moved out and was damn near ready to completely give up. I went to a christian counselor who basically just told me all about what the Bible says about divorce. I already knew all of that and had alot of guilt about all of it.

 

While we were separated I began talking to someone. A coworker. Probably one of the most beautiful people I have ever gotten to know...inside and out. We slowly began talking on the phone over the next few months and I think I had an emotional affair. She really seems to have every quality I have ever wanted in someone. I am scared that she just seems great to me because she is not my W. SHe says she is in love with me and would love the opportunity to make me truly happy. I am scared that I am being stupid and vulnerable. I am scared that I am just hoping the grass is greener.

 

I eventually felt guilty as hell and went back to my W and tried to work things out. We even went to a MC for months...yet continued to fight. I continued to not feel good enough. The fighting continued and niether of us were happy anymore. I moved out again and now I constantly find myself wondering if I could be happier...if there is something/someone;) better for me.

 

Lately my W says she is willing to do anything to save our marriage and now I find myself sompletely unsure of what I want. I don't know how to to figure out what I want. When I am with my W I am unhappy yet when I am without her I feel like I miss her. I am so confused and I have so much anxiety and low self esteem for even thinking about getting a D and moving on. I enjoy being on my own and doing whatever I want when I want. I am not completely losing my spirit around anyone. Yet I am scared of making a mistake.

 

Any advice would be great. Sorry this post was so long.

 

HK

[whats wrong with me]

Id like to see some feedback on this too

[tweldy]

Your wife has been verbally abusive to you for so long it may be challenging to recover your love for her. The problem stems primarily from her verbal abuse, but your inability to address this early on has left you taking abuse to the point where you likely feel really negative towards your wife. She's going to need serious anger managment counseling for you to have any hope.

 

The new person - she's sounds good, in part, because you don't have a history with her. Certainly, like everyone else on the planet, she's not perfect. You'll encounter problems with her as well if you choose this path. Hopefully you've learned from your current relationship and would confront problems earlier instead of allowing the problem build to the point where you need to leave.

 

This choice is uniquely yours. I cannot offer you any counseling from a Christian perspective as I am not one of that faith. However, I can say that any religion is an interprative belief system, so what one believer might say will vary from what another will hold to be true. I think you need some counseling from someone who will help you decide what you think is right, not tell you what you should believe according to their interpretation of your religion.

 

I am most sorry for the child in this circumstance. The child should not determine the choice you make, but in whatever actions you take, make sure to comfort this child and assure the child that your marital stife has nothing to do with him/her.

[hannibalking]

Thank you so much for your reply. Part of me feels like there is so much history there that I should give it one more shot and work on my marriage even more...yet another part of me is so scared that our marriage will never be the same and I will be wasting my time. I also don't want to move back in and secretly have one foot out the door because of my fear of getting beat down again. I hope I am not just being a pansy.

 

Sometimes I also wonder if I have been so consumed by making her happy that I have disregarded my own feelings and happiness. My W has recently given me until March 31st to decide what I want or she is moving on. That scares the hell out of me. I am desparate to figure out what I want and I don't know how. I am so scared and confused.

[hannibalking]

please help...

[Mistaken Identity]

Okay, I'll be the one to say it: Divorce her. If you went to marriage counseling and it didn't work, then what will? Not many people are capable of change. You say you have history together, but two years is just a drop in the bucket. Also, you don't have any kids together, so this would probably be the best time to get out. I assume her child is young. Again, it would probably be best to end it now for the child's sake. As for the new woman, I would say don't jump into anything. Sorry if I've appeared harsh.

[footinthemouth]

I feel that you should really think about what you what in your life to be happy. Is it a person who constantly yells at you and gets angry or someone that you don't have to fear. What do want from life? If you still want her in your life then take control of your life and draw a line for yourself to not take any abuse from her. Take time for yourself and work on yourself to make you feel better. She needs to realize that she wasn't the best person to you and change if she really wants your realtionship to work.

[justagirliegirl]

I would suggest counseling for yourself rather than consoling yourself in the arms of another woman.

 

I'm also wondering if previous relationships if you were treated like this?

[Devildog]

I find it interesting that she is now demanding that you make up your mind by the end of the month. Sounds like another control issue to me. And yes, your W is a control freak! The verbal abuse, control measure. Taking her family along on your honeymoon? WTF is that about? sounds to me right there that she was telling you your place on her list of priorities. You should have been a very close second behind her child, instead, you were below her family. And I would bet that you ranked beneath friends and work as well with her.

 

You listed a number of romantic, thoughtful things you did for her. What did you get in return? Besides the verbal abuse? I know you shouldn't expect anything in return for doing these things, but when there is no reciprication, it becomes a give and take relationship. You give, she takes. And after a very short time, these thoughtful little gestures become expected, and not appreciated.

 

The religion thing, well, she was married before wasn't she? So if you had any kind of church wedding, you would have needed her to get an anullment or something along those lines, correct?

 

The co-worker thing. I don't think it is a good idea for you to get involved with anyone at this time. You need time to heal emotionally before you can get into a good, healthy relationship. Jumping into a new relationship before the current one is finished is never a good idea. If you get a divorce, wait 6 months to a year before getting into dating again. Take time for yourself and fix the damage your W has done to you.

[hannibalking]

Thank you guys very much for the replies!

 

I saw a new counselor today. She is awesome, very warm and caring. She wants to meet with me and my W. She says if my W really loves me there would be no time limit for me to come back and that my W hasn't really let us be separated enough to figure anything out. She says my W is very insecure and has me backed into a corner to force me to decide and says that is wrong. She says we need to fix my broken spirit first before I can give anything to anyone. She also said my W and I need separate individual counseling for a while and then eventually talk and see how things are at a later point in time. I fear my W may not like this and may want to stick to her "deadline". I fear she is prepared for me to just give up instead of letting me figure myself out. Any thoughts?

[Devildog]

Sounds like you found a good counselor. But here is the real obstacle, how does your W take criticism? This isn't like the movies, where the stubborn person who doesn't want to participate suddenly breaks down and has an epiphany. Counseling requires the parties to want to be their, to be open and honest, and be ready to face up to their own failings.

 

I'm not trying to say you don't bear some of the blame in all this, but to me it sounds like your W is the main source of the problems going on. And it sounds like your counselor has keyed into that as well. How will your W respond to having her share of the problems laid at her doorstep? People like that don't tend to take such things gracefully.

 

I think the counselling is a great idea though. It will give you a true indication of whether your W truly wants to work things out. And if not, you have a counselor already to help you through the aftershocks of separation and divorce if it comes to that.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

HK,

I don't know what to say either. I applaud you for going to counselling with your wife. From what you've written here, I can deduce several things about you:

1) You like romance and passion. You like to give - whether they are love, gifts, or nice gestures. This type of personallity has one fault, however. You constantly seek action. When there is no activity from your wife, you are perhaps sensing neglect?

 

2) You do secretly believe that the grass is greener on the other side, even though you don't seem to acknowledge that. This, you need to work on. (I do too.)

 

3) You jumped into a hot and passionate relationship with your wife even though she was married to someone else. This tells me that you are somewhat selfish and are incapable of seeing the road ahead. You showed your wife with "love" because you were still basking in your victory of winning her. But you were obviously not ready for a marriage... because you are withdrawing now!

 

4) You want to leave your wife and start a new "conquest". Why? You mentioned that she verbally abused you... if so, why did you not stand up for yourself? Leaving the marriage is how you show you are standing up?

 

If the break down of your marriage was 100% your wife's fault, then I'd agree with some people here - divorce her. However, you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with, too. Sorry, I just can't picture how you can just sit there like a sweet angel when your wife is yelling and cursing at you. I can't imagine that you didn't do some sneaky things to get back at her.

 

Marriage counselling is a good start. Don't give up.

[hannibalking]

By no means have I sat around in our marriage as a perfect little angel. I did stand up for myself time after time...I just never said enough is enough. And I have not decided to D my W...that is why I am going to counseling, to figure all of that out and what i want. I have not decided to leave my W to be with someone else...I just want to be happy again. We have been together for 4 years (married for 2) and it just scares me that we have been separated twice now and gone to marriage counseling together for 2 months and nothing has improved. I am absolutley terrified of not being with my W...but I am equally terrified of being in an unhappy marriage anymore. I am the only one really making an effort to change things. I am not perfect, I have screwed up ALOT. I am at least proud that I am the one to have some amount of courage to not continue the way we were with everything being "my fault."

 

I am hopeful that my new counselor will help me understand my faults and help me gather myself and some new self worth to where I can decide what I want and not feel like s*** for demanding fairness and happiness for myself.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

By no means have I sat around in our marriage as a perfect little angel. I did stand up for myself time after time...I just never said enough is enough. And I have not decided to D my W...that is why I am going to counseling, to figure all of that out and what i want. I have not decided to leave my W to be with someone else...I just want to be happy again. We have been together for 4 years (married for 2) and it just scares me that we have been separated twice now and gone to marriage counseling together for 2 months and nothing has improved. I am absolutley terrified of not being with my W...but I am equally terrified of being in an unhappy marriage anymore. I am the only one really making an effort to change things. I am not perfect, I have screwed up ALOT. I am at least proud that I am the one to have some amount of courage to not continue the way we were with everything being "my fault."

 

Ok, now you are opening up to your faults. That's a good start.

Now, find out why you are "worried to be in an unhappy marriage"? Marriage is not an end. It is a LONG process. There are no happy marriages, per se. If that is what you are looking for... you'd be single forever.

 

Also, try to not rely on your wife for you own happiness.

Hope this helps.

[hannibalking]

Just an update here. I am pretty sure my wife is done and has given up. I sort of feel relieved and scared at the same time. She said she doesn't see the point in going to see my counselor with me. She said she doesn't know what we would talk about. She also already has a job interview lined up in a different town. I guess I can stop feeling guilty now.

[sassybragg]

The disappearance of your guilt is most likely temporary. People don't always feel guilt just when they feel they are the "bad guy." When you go through a seperation/divorce you often go through the steps one does when a person dies;anger,denial,bargaining,depression then acceptance and not all in that order necessarily.It sounds like you have many issues to work on and luckily you two don't have children in the middle to make this worse on you.

 

Please keep seeing your counselor for yourself especially if your marriage is over. You will need the support and coping skills to get you through this difficult time. Also, I agree with another post;please for your own sake and for any woman you might involve yourself with, do not get involved with anyone for a while.(several months if possible) It is not fair to whoever you might meet since your emotions are still raw, and it would only be a quick fix for you. It's normal to want comfort and companionship, but do it when youre more whole inside.

 

Good luck to you

[Poconobob]

OK. I have read and re-read some of the posts on here and I REALLY like this forum. It is nice to see that there are other people dealing with similar issues...however I am really scared to get pummeled with nasty opinions. But here it goes anyhow!

 

My W and I are currently separated for the second time. We have been married for almost 2 years. My W was married before me and has a child from her first H. We "hooked up" while she was separated from her first H. We thought it was fate and that we were soulmates and we "just knew" it was right. Before you know it she was D and we were going for it together. I felt REALLY guilty for "hooking up" with her while she was still married. But I went with it anyway seeing as I had a secret crush on her prior. I "just knew" she was the one.

 

We ended up moving in together after a while and were very physically involved - never had better. It really was good. She is very insecure however...constantly worried if I wanted to be with my ex - girlfriend. I am assuming it is because we would run into my ex in public every once in a great while and it was pretty obvious that my ex got emotional whenever she saw me. I hated that. I didn't know what to do.

 

Anyhow...my W has a pretty strong temper. AND a pretty strong use of cuss words. We began constantly fighting about the smallest things. I often felt emotionally abused by the "F**k You's" and "You're such a D**K" and "Shut UP!" I don't care what you are having an argument about - it just shouldn't resort to name calling. I am no where near perfect, but I have always treated her like a lady.

 

I am a huge romantic. I used to cook breakfast for my W and stepchild everymorning and warm up her car before work and leave little sticky notes everywhere letting her know how much I loved her and sent her flowers all the time...I did this for the first 2 and a half years...even while we were fighting. I took alot of the blame for our arguments because I just wanted to stop fighting. I kept my mouth shut and took alot of yelling at me that I probably shouldn't have. Let me say that she isn't pure evil, I know it sounds like I am making her out to be. She was sweet to me at times as well...it just seems like she was only happy if things were going her way all the time. I feel like she never wanted to hear my side of things, anytime she would try, she would get upset and start yelling. Looking back I am pretty sure I had no idea of what was involved in being a stepfather or a H or trying to be the leader of a family.

 

When we went on our honeymoon her whole family went and we had 1 night to ourselves. I hated that. I wanted to spend my honeymoon with my W not a family reunion.

 

I have been mostly involved in long term relationships through out my life, usually 3 yrs or more each relationship. I am mature enough to realize that arguments are going to happen. I just don't like how one sided our arguments came to be. (sorry this getting really long) Basically I got fed up of her degrading nature and I said I wanted to be sparated and moved out. She hated it and wanted to work things out. I think while I was just taking it and taking it I was unknowingly reaching my limit. I had had enough. I moved out and was damn near ready to completely give up. I went to a christian counselor who basically just told me all about what the Bible says about divorce. I already knew all of that and had alot of guilt about all of it.

 

While we were separated I began talking to someone. A coworker. Probably one of the most beautiful people I have ever gotten to know...inside and out. We slowly began talking on the phone over the next few months and I think I had an emotional affair. She really seems to have every quality I have ever wanted in someone. I am scared that she just seems great to me because she is not my W. SHe says she is in love with me and would love the opportunity to make me truly happy. I am scared that I am being stupid and vulnerable. I am scared that I am just hoping the grass is greener.

 

I eventually felt guilty as hell and went back to my W and tried to work things out. We even went to a MC for months...yet continued to fight. I continued to not feel good enough. The fighting continued and niether of us were happy anymore. I moved out again and now I constantly find myself wondering if I could be happier...if there is something/someone;) better for me.

 

Lately my W says she is willing to do anything to save our marriage and now I find myself sompletely unsure of what I want. I don't know how to to figure out what I want. When I am with my W I am unhappy yet when I am without her I feel like I miss her. I am so confused and I have so much anxiety and low self esteem for even thinking about getting a D and moving on. I enjoy being on my own and doing whatever I want when I want. I am not completely losing my spirit around anyone. Yet I am scared of making a mistake.

 

Any advice would be great. Sorry this post was so long.

 

HK

 

 

 

 

 

Why would someone get mad at your feelings and need to ask? Why is probably easily explained as you kind of feel guilty. Secondly, the W as you put it has brought the problems she had in her first marreage to her second. I bet her problems parallel the idential problems if the first X.

 

As for your constant pampering, some people just don't appreciate it, especially if it is always, it then becomes not so special. Then you'd have to elevate higher to get emotional receipts.

 

Lastly, HOW CAN someone be in love if you have not been deeply emotional? I'm afraid for you on this one... You are trolling in deep deep water my friend.

 

bob

[hannibalking]

I am so angry. I am so sad. She cancelled our appt to see the counselor together saying she didn't know what there was to talk about...saying for me to just give the counselor the "rundown" and let her know what the counselor said. She has been going to bars with "guy friends" the last two weekends..."guy friends" that she met because they were my "friends" prior to our marriage. They both tried to get her to sleep with them. One of my "friends" offered to be her "friend with benifits." I only know that because I figured out her password to her email and I don't feel bad about that at all. She is mad at me! She is mad because I "haven't called her" in a week. I say "well you couldve called me too"...she says she won't call me because I am the one who moved out and the ball is in my court to make this work...that I need to show HER that I want this to work. She is seriously looking at things the wrong way in my opinion. If I was in her shoes I would be doing everything I could to give me a reason to come home...I would be so devastated that someone was contemplating leaving me that I would be doing all that i could - sending flowers, cooking dinner, making sweet music cd's to remind him/her of "us", calling just to talk (not fight or accuse). Am i wrong for being upset? I am currently looking for an attorney. I am so sad that we can't talk without fighting anymore...but I refuse to feel guilty about one more thing...I deserve to be happier than I have been. She gave me a deadline of March 31st, which is this friday, to show her I want to be with her, that I love her. I give up.

[Poconobob]

I am so angry. I am so sad. She cancelled our appt to see the counselor together saying she didn't know what there was to talk about...saying for me to just give the counselor the "rundown" and let her know what the counselor said. She has been going to bars with "guy friends" the last two weekends..."guy friends" that she met because they were my "friends" prior to our marriage. They both tried to get her to sleep with them. One of my "friends" offered to be her "friend with benifits." I only know that because I figured out her password to her email and I don't feel bad about that at all. She is mad at me! She is mad because I "haven't called her" in a week. I say "well you couldve called me too"...she says she won't call me because I am the one who moved out and the ball is in my court to make this work...that I need to show HER that I want this to work. She is seriously looking at things the wrong way in my opinion. If I was in her shoes I would be doing everything I could to give me a reason to come home...I would be so devastated that someone was contemplating leaving me that I would be doing all that i could - sending flowers, cooking dinner, making sweet music cd's to remind him/her of "us", calling just to talk (not fight or accuse). Am i wrong for being upset? I am currently looking for an attorney. I am so sad that we can't talk without fighting anymore...but I refuse to feel guilty about one more thing...I deserve to be happier than I have been. She gave me a deadline of March 31st, which is this friday, to show her I want to be with her, that I love her. I give up.

 

 

 

Dude... I'd be over it too, you IMO are handling this quite well and have your head on right. A lesser man would have beat the living snot out of the dude who offered the fringe bene's... and amongst other things, you should be commended! You tried, you cannot EVER forget that, perhaps the ball is in her court, she wants you to be lower than her by coming on your knees back. Then for what? For her to date, come on please... Yes, going with guys to bars is a type of date, quite casual but still a meeting date/time aka date.

 

You do deserve to be happy and to love honor and cherish to death due ... bla bla bla but with someone who appreciates it, someone deserving of the faith, honor and commitment which seemingly just isn't there...

 

Ya know why she doesn't wanna go, I'll tell you... because the truth hurts and she doesn't wanna hear it.

 

Ya know how I know all this ??? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT... except I was not a strong, I was weak and went back crawling and ya know what? I'm still divorced.

 

Just my .02 cents

 

bob