Marijuana

[fieryred]

First of all.... hello everyone. I'm new here, so I'll start with a little background info on my hubby and me. We are both in our early 20's and have been married 4 years. No kids. Two years ago, we moved accross the country and I am still floundering in our new city, while he seems to have become a totally different person and is loving it here.

 

So, trying to make a long story short, once we moved, my previously clean-cut, healthy, loving husband developed some new habits that I am having a hard time dealing with. He began smoking marijuana almost immediatly after we moved and now does it every day. He has also done acid at least once that I know of, and smokes cigarettes. He seems to have changed so much I don't feel close to him anymore. He works with a lot of "hippies" and wants desperatly to fit in with them. Now, I am not a fan of labels and would never label anyone myself, but they call themselves hippies. It all seems rather fake to me.

 

The other day he came home from work and told me he wants me to dress like a "hippie chick" and wear my hair down all the time and loose the bra.

 

As I mentioned above, I am finding it hard to adjust here for several reasons. 1) I don't do drugs and it seems like everyone else does. 2) I have no family within 2,000 miles and am finding it difficult to make friends at work. And 3) I feel abadoned by my husband because he is not the same person I married and he obviously wants me to change, too.

 

When I bring up these issues and try to talk them over with my husband, he gets defensive and says that I am uptight and I should just leave him alone and let him do whatever he wants. I never see him these days b/c he is usually with his friends, and I can't help but think that the drugs are the reason why. I feel excluded from his life now because I don't do drugs with him and I don't want to be labeled a hippie.

 

Has anyone else had this dilemma? I am second-guessing myself these days because I have no one to talk to. It's hard to find the thin line between being "open-minded" and being uncomfortable.

 

*~*FieryRed*~*

[Curmudgeon]

...he gets defensive and says that I am uptight and I should just leave him alone and let him do whatever he wants.

 

I think that's the crux of the issue. This whole pseudo-hippie way of life is appealing to him because it gives him an excuse to act immature, willful and irresponsible. He'd like to drag you down to his level and I applaud you for resisting it.

 

REAL hippies were actually concerned citizens returning to nature, nurturing the earth and trying to influence the country out of the Vietnam war. Yes, there were the elements of drugs and the whole "tune in, turn on, drop out" philosophy but for the hippies of the 60s there was a method to their madness that went beyond sex, drugs and rock and roll. Latter day, so-called hippies seem to be more like your husband -- people looking for a ready excuse to behave badly and not take responsibility for themselves.

 

Unfortunately, my best guess is that the two of you have become quite incompatible so you are likely at a real crossroad in your relationship of the make it or break it variety. You are certainly under no obligation to become someone other than yourself to satisfy him, especially if you lose yourself in the process.

[Poconobob]

I think that's the crux of the issue. This whole pseudo-hippie way of life is appealing to him because it gives him an excuse to act immature, willful and irresponsible. He'd like to drag you down to his level and I applaud you for resisting it.

 

REAL hippies were actually concerned citizens returning to nature, nurturing the earth and trying to influence the country out of the Vietnam war. Yes, there were the elements of drugs and the whole "tune in, turn on, drop out" philosophy but for the hippies of the 60s there was a method to their madness that went beyond sex, drugs and rock and roll. Latter day, so-called hippies seem to be more like your husband -- people looking for a ready excuse to behave badly and not take responsibility for themselves.

 

Unfortunately, my best guess is that the two of you have become quite incompatible so you are likely at a real crossroad in your relationship of the make it or break it variety. You are certainly under no obligation to become someone other than yourself to satisfy him, especially if you lose yourself in the process.

 

 

SO WELL SAID...

 

I understand about being alone in a strange place and his changing doesn't help. I cannot quite help feel your feeling that way because I too moved before to a strange place and it did isolate me. Part of it is your not being able to chat with someone, and someone who you care about is steadfastly becoming opposite and isn't being a responsible husband. Pot smokers which I was years and years and years ago aren't typical users as I learned first hand. We weren't like that at all... only used on a Saturday out on the boat or at shell island while doing a bbq and we never did any of that. I did find it was a crutch and no more...

 

He must be sober when you talk to him... I'd be firm, tell him EXACTLY how you feel inside and how you are alone. Communication will help the relationship, I feel you need the communication, not just his curtailing the drug pblm.

 

bob

[fieryred]

Thanks a lot for the thoughtful replies.

 

If it was just him smoking weed occaisionally it wouldn't bother me as much. But the fact is that he smokes every day and that it seems like I am being excluded b/c I don't "get it," as they say. I get a little jealous when he spends so much time with those "hippie chicks" that he seems to like so much better than me.

 

There are other issues as well surrounding our move. I really didn't want to make the move, but he told me he was moving whether I went with him or not. I really love him and wanted to keep our marriage together, so I went along with him. If I had known that this is what I was getting into, I wouldn't have done it. He promised in two years we could go back home if I wanted, but now that the two years have passed he says if I want to go home, I'll have to go alone. So, as you can see, I have a LOT of resentment toward him. I don't really expect anyone to read all this or to care, but it helps to just write it all down!

[Poconobob]

"I get a little jealous when he spends so much time with those "hippie chicks" that he seems to like so much better than me."

 

I KNEW that there were "chicks" involved, I just had a feeling. HOW could a dedicated husband or I should say ANY husband tell his wife to move home without him. That just doesn't add up if you ask me, I never would have done that even at the worst of my marriage times. It wasn't until it was over that any indication of wanting or saying something on that order would have surfaced! Something definitely is father wrong that needs investigated than just smoking. It isn't that addictive psychologically... the worst is lazy, and that isn't even some people's reactivity. I know of people who function perfectly and use it casually as a relaxation and leave it at that.

 

Well, enough of that, so what do you do now? What would be your impulse IF you weren't afraid of the outcome? Love can only take you so far, don't let yourself be used as a doormat please...

 

Something will have to give or things will have a worse and worse feeling of depression...

 

bob

[fieryred]

Wow, it feels good to be understood. Thanks, Bob. The part about what to do is where I'm hing up. My IMPULSE would be to tell him to kiss my ass and go back home (alone), where I would be happy and where I have people who love me. That would be if I wasn't afraid of the outcome, as you said. But here in the real world, I have no idea what I am going to do..... Sometimes I think it would be better to live alone than to be married to someone who doesn't respect you.

[Poconobob]

Wow, it feels good to be understood. Thanks, Bob. The part about what to do is where I'm hing up. My IMPULSE would be to tell him to kiss my ass and go back home (alone), where I would be happy and where I have people who love me. That would be if I wasn't afraid of the outcome, as you said. But here in the real world, I have no idea what I am going to do..... Sometimes I think it would be better to live alone than to be married to someone who doesn't respect you.

 

 

 

Look at it this way... you've been married only a few years and made it the entire rest of your life for decades and made it. You cannot suffer, that is not fair to you. You will miss him, it isn't easy to decide but the first thing that you should be doing not is having a contingency. What I mean by trhat is in case of disaster, where do you go, how do you pay to get there, etc... You must have cash on hand, if need be for the time being when you wait, take a part time job, baby sit, anything... Eventually if you do nothing IMO it WILL come to a head, there will be a blow out OR he will leave. He seems like the has done a life-style change and has no bones about telling you this is the new way and if you don't like it, hit the highway.

 

What will he realize later on? That he had a good spouse, that he had a loyal spouse and he was an ass. There really isn't a "life" living this way and it is time you told him AFTER like I said you have this contingency set.

 

Okay?

 

bob

[blind_otter]

I'm sure you realize that the early 20s is a time of exploring who you think you are, your identity, etc.

 

I got married when I was 21. HUGE mistake. I'm a totally different person now, than I was then, and it's only been 5 years. Obviously I am divorced from the man I married then.

 

Unfortunately this is a risk when you marry young -- people change, sometimes drastically when they are in their 20s.

[Poconobob]

I'm sure you realize that the early 20s is a time of exploring who you think you are, your identity, etc.

 

I got married when I was 21. HUGE mistake. I'm a totally different person now, than I was then, and it's only been 5 years. Obviously I am divorced from the man I married then.

 

Unfortunately this is a risk when you marry young -- people change, sometimes drastically when they are in their 20s.

 

good post...

 

"People change" wow... had I only known that as a kid, I would have never married. They say it is better to have once loved than to not loved at all.......BULLLLLLL CRAP... IMO it pushed me to do things I'd never rationally do!

 

bob

[fieryred]

Working out the logisitics of something you're not even sure is going to happen is difficult. If I decide to leave, our lease on our current house will be up in a few months. That would be the ideal time for us to go our own ways. In the mean-time.... here I am, pondering the idea of leaving the man I love and not even able to talk to him about it. Should I wait til the last minute, or give him a heads-up on this? I get so overwhelmed, thinking of all this. I know it will take some planning before anything takes place, but I feel so secretive about it.

 

My employer offers an Employee Assistance Program. Perhaps the best place to start would be to check out their counselling. I am almost in tears, writing this. We heard over and over that people change and that marrying young was a bad idea, but like so many others, we thought we were different. I never thought I would live in a house with drug paraphernalia hidden away in the cupboards.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Fieryred,

 

It is appearant that the two of you have grown apart.

 

If you still have feelings for him, try marriage counselling. See if he will kick his habbit and attend rehab.

 

Yes, at least let him know that you cannot tolerate living like that any more. His response will tell you how much he is willing to change for you.

[hooghie]

... here I am, pondering the idea of leaving the man I love and not even able to talk to him about it. .

 

You love the man he is RIGHT NOW??? He is mean to you, disrespects you, has very different interests from you, broke promises, and spends his free time with other people- including other women. I hope you only love the man he use to be or the man you thought he is and not the man I just described.

 

You are still very young and you do not have children. As much as it will get worse before it gets better- if you leave him and move on- I promise you, it WILL get better.

[Poconobob]

Working out the logisitics of something you're not even sure is going to happen is difficult. If I decide to leave, our lease on our current house will be up in a few months. That would be the ideal time for us to go our own ways. In the mean-time.... here I am, pondering the idea of leaving the man I love and not even able to talk to him about it. Should I wait til the last minute, or give him a heads-up on this? I get so overwhelmed, thinking of all this. I know it will take some planning before anything takes place, but I feel so secretive about it.

 

My employer offers an Employee Assistance Program. Perhaps the best place to start would be to check out their counselling. I am almost in tears, writing this. We heard over and over that people change and that marrying young was a bad idea, but like so many others, we thought we were different. I never thought I would live in a house with drug paraphernalia hidden away in the cupboards.

 

 

First off, there obviously IS and will be lots of second guessing, third guessing, and even after a decision, the same thing will happen. The ole saying time heals all does in fact work. Rehashing the what if's and we shouldn't have or I shouldn't have won't change anything, no matter how much it hurts because you cannot change yesteday, ONLY TODAY, ONLY TOMORROW.

 

Don't feel it is a secret, it can't be, after all, he told you to leave if you didn't like it multiple times. He has put his partying in front of his wife, he has numerous times left you wondering, DID HE CARE about this secret new life? NO.. Please understand I'm not punching the man you love, I'm pointing out, this isn't the same dude, you love a man not this person. This person will change only when he wants to, evidently not because of you.

 

There has to be a cushion for your self preservation FIRST, second, there has to be a plan, even if you don't follow through, there is at least one little worry about the situation DONE.

 

So you probably need to know how to approach the subject, huh...

 

How about everyone give her a few ideas?

 

Mine would be, that since the lease is up, he needs to have a conversation at least with you about the future, THAT is a good lead in for the marriage future.

 

but how... okay, say you mention the lease being up and you miss home, you will then say I'm just not happy here, my life isn't turning out the way I wished it would and we obviously as you know aren't getting along.

 

or ... you mention the lease, you say "I'm just not happy" here... and mention separation, mention the facts, write them down before hand if need be.

 

Ultimately he will know you aren't happy and pondering truly leaving. NOTICE HIS BODY LANGUAGE, is he knodding, arms folded, pushed back in the chair all confident? Notice that cuz he can't lie about that ..... PLEASE do that you'll gain more insight to the truth by simple observation.

 

Good luck...

 

bob