It all hurts. BF: excessive masterbation, porn, oggling girls, fantasy.

[banister61]

it just came to my attention the may BF of 7 months sits at home and masturbates when I'm not around every night in his room --2 -3 times in a row. I don't care about his masterbating. I do it. But he feels shame over it and that he wastes his time--that it gets in the way of his productivity. In discussing this, i found out that he sometimes will be sitting at work and be over come with a need to have sex. and that his sex drive is so high that he feels obsessed. i know in my heart that he is oggling lots of girls. and its hurts. he mentioned that it occurred to him that he should be oggling his own girlfriend. duh! what am i ? chopped liver? i thought i was his fantasy. he is mine! i do so much for our sex like. i by cute outfits and am always "in the mood."

 

but i feel like subconsciously i've been comepeting for his fantasy life--with girls in porn. i shave "it" off almost completely to be titalating and i wear little school girl out fits and pigtails. but its not enough.

 

he says he feel bad about all this--that he wants to change and that he hasn't done a good job about not wandering. he said he was cutting back on the porn--but actually showed me an image of a girl having sex with someone b/c he was freakedout that he thought it was me. i thought --what a hypocrit...you're freaked out over thinking it could be me and i'm feeling sad that you are looking so much. especially since he seems to be so puritanical about us.

 

he said last night that i am in the picture of his fantasy and that he looks at videos and pictures we have taken in the bedroom. he said i'm in the picture about 50% of the time.

 

i'm confused. i really am. b/c my past boyfriends were devoted to me--the porn factor dropped and we were such an important part of each others lives--spiritually, emotionally and sexually--it felt good. but i don't feel so good right now. i feel devalued. and there's a part of me that wants to but myself up on a site--like suicide girls--one he frequents b/c if i can't be a part of his in the way that makes me feel honored--why can't i be a part of someone's? he would freak out. i don't think i'd do it. but it feels vastly unfair that he gets to oggle girls and that i can't be oggled myself.

 

i just don't know ---i'm sad and i thought that he wouldn't hurt me.

[catgirl1927]

Wait, did you let this guy take pictures and video of you?

[banister61]

oh, yes. but they are private. just for the two of us. he would never show them to anyone or put them somewhere. I trust that completely.

[catgirl1927]

oh, yes. but they are private. just for the two of us. he would never show them to anyone or put them somewhere. I trust that completely.

 

Private with the guy with the secret sex life?

 

I'm not trying to be mean or hurt your feelings. Just please get those pictures and videos and destroy them. NOW. Unless you want them on the internet. They may already be there, and even if they are, that may not bother you, and that's totally ok. I'm just not getting the vibe from what you've said that this guy has a lot of respect for boundaries.

[banister61]

[FONT=Arial]Nah! Don’t worry about that. He wouldn’t post my pictures. He loves me. I am sure of that. This is one element in the big picture—this element I’m just fixated on b/c it hurts. I mean—how many women make pictures of themselves for their BFs? I thought it was special. That’s what hurts. They thing is—he doesn’t want other men ogling me. He would never post me. He just won’t. trust me. He wants his girl to be perfect and he wants the other cake to eat as well. But I may take the pictures away on principle. I did it b/c it excites me that he would look at me that way—and that I was giving him something to fulfill his visual needs. Same with all the clothes and other stuff.[/FONT]

[yawhatever]

I have tons of pics / vids of me and my gf and she cheated on me n we broke up.. after even that I would never, ever put them up on the internet, they are private, just for me, and even though I will probably never look at them again I still would not let anyone see them.. That is like the meanst thing you can do, unless the guy is the biggest pig then maybe.. but don't forget those are his intimate moments aswell so why share them with others? It would probably hurt him more..

 

BTW guys are more sexually active so I dont think you have nothing to worry about.

[Outcast]

If he's worried that he's too obsessed with sex, he should see a therapist. There are people who are addicted to sex and that's a condition that requires professional treatment.

 

As for you, nothing he does is about you. It's not that you're not enough for him or anything else. He cares about you but men who are horny will look at photos of women just to turn on - it means nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Don't be offended or hurt by it. Worry about who he cares about - and that's you.

[JadeStar]

[FONT=Arial]Nah! Don’t worry about that. He wouldn’t post my pictures. He loves me. I am sure of that. This is one element in the big picture—this element I’m just fixated on b/c it hurts. I mean—how many women make pictures of themselves for their BFs? I thought it was special. That’s what hurts. They thing is—he doesn’t want other men ogling me. He would never post me. He just won’t. trust me. He wants his girl to be perfect and he wants the other cake to eat as well. But I may take the pictures away on principle. I did it b/c it excites me that he would look at me that way—and that I was giving him something to fulfill his visual needs. Same with all the clothes and other stuff.[/FONT]

 

 

"He wouldn't post my pictures, he loves me."

 

 

A little story about a friend of mine, her husband loved her too, he took pics of her, and she thought they would be for his eyes only as well, but later on she found out he posted them on a website about ratemywife. She was really upset becasue they were supossed to be just for him. Not the entire internet. You never know.

 

"He doesn't want other men oggling at me."

 

But yet its ok for him to look at other girls. Seems turn about should be fair play then.

 

 

Men are visiual creatures no doubt, so chances are he is going to look. Alot of times porn is not the cause, but a symptom of a deeper issue of something else going on. If you do not share his views on what he is doing, voice your concerns to him. If he wants to stop but CAN'T perhaps he has a problem. If he WONT, then thats probably more of a choice. After you voice your concerns to him, and he doesn't stop or refuses to get help if he feels he needs too, then you might want to find someone who shares your views on the matter.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[banister61]

I agree with the sentiment just written: FONT=Verdana]Alot of times porn is not the cause, but a symptom of a deeper issue of something else going on. If you do not share his views on what he is doing, voice your concerns to him. If he wants to stop but CAN'T perhaps he has a problem. If he WONT, then thats probably more of a choice. After you voice your concerns to him, and he doesn't stop or refuses to get help if he feels he needs too, then you might want to find someone who shares your views on the matterThe problem, I would just like to focus the group discussion on—is how I’m feeling. I do a lot. I do. I buy lots of sexy clothes for him. I wear make up and try to reinvent myself. I have taken pictures of myself to offer something special and sweet, just for him. I exercise. The truth is, I’m a lovely woman, inside and out. And we talk a lot about our needs. I am always asking and will to experiment to try something new. But I have a gross image of him in my head—seeing him see pretty girl on the street and feeling “overwhelmed” with a desire to put himself inside them. That is what is hurting me. And this image of him masturbating over and over fixating on someone or some fetish that he has, feeling devalued. And knowing that he is such a large part of my fantasy life.

 

i'd like to add this--on his defence-- when this came up--i remained very cool and exited girlfriend mode to friend mode in order to talk and help. it seemed that he felt shame and hurt. and that a huge weight was lifted for him b/c he felt he could talk to me. and the trust deepenned. but a couple days later, i'm getting angrier.

[JadeStar]

There are women as yourself, who can put on make up, wear sexy clothes, shoes, be a wild woman in bed, exercise etc etc, and sometimes it wont make a hill of beans. You have tried to be sexy for him, there for him sexually, looking nice etc, where has it gotten you? I'm not saying to stop what you're doing, but I am saying that you either get to the root of whats really going on, accept what he is doing, or you move on. No matter what you might do/say, it really has to be his choice on what he does on the matter. No sense in continuing to beat yourself up over it if hes not willing to respect how you feel on the matter.

 

 

 

 

Jade