Sibling over spouse?

[Guest]

I have a problem and I don't know a reasonable way to handle it.

 

My wife's sister hates me and is constantly telling my wife she should divorce me. We've been married 11 years. I bear this sister-in-law no ill will though.

 

The problem is with family events. Anything hosted by that side of the family, if the sister is going to be there, I am not invited. Holidays, birthdays, etc. My wife is invited to these events and she goes to them, and takes our kids along, leaving me at home. She is very, very close to her family, in a dysfunctional must-have-their-approval-no-matter-what sort of way.

 

I don't know what to make of this. I'm torn in two ways. I feel that the nuclear family, me, wife and kids should be *the* most important building block of family relationships. We should be a team and all others should come second. I wish my wife would say, "If my husband is not welcome then I'm not coming." If the situations were reversed, I would be so offended by my family members that is exactly what I would do without hesitation.

 

But is that too selfish of an attitude? I think it hurts our marriage when the wife, chooses her sister over me. Shouldn't a spouse have a stronger bond than a sibling? When she abandons me to go to these things it kinda makes it feel like she doesn't care about me much.

 

Should I ask the wife not to go if I'm not welcome? Is that reasonable? I'm only trying to keep my family together. Or should I just accept the exclusion to keep from causing anyone any additional stress?

 

[Lil Honey]

Wow. That's tough.

 

I can see how you feel that your wife shouldn't feel like going if you aren't invited. You ARE her family.

 

What I don't understand is that your SIL is should not have the say in who is invited to your MIL/FIL's house for X-mas (for example). If she is the only person with a problem, I would think other family members would include you. Are you excluded by ALL the family members or does your wife just decide that it would be "easier" to leave you at home?

 

While I don't think a person should give up the family they grew up in for their spouse, I also think that a spouse should feel like part of the family - and feel that they are just as important.

 

Sorry that I can't give you anything better to go on . . .

[Sassy]

If your wife is invited then you should be as well. You are a couple and if the family can't except it then tough noogies. My s/o had this problem with his family not excepting us and he disengaged himself from them for close to a yr. It was his choice not mine. Is your wife standing by your side on this ? Inlaws can be a real pain in the a@@ !! As long as they see you two fueding then they are happy . People like this aren't actually happy in their current situation to be trying to tearing you two apart by not inviting you as well. Good luck

[Sundax]

What I don't understand is that your SIL is should not have the say in who is invited to your MIL/FIL's house for X-mas (for example).

 

Yep. The MIL/FIL do whatever the SIL wants. When they SIL does not interfere, they hang out with me just fine. It's a very, very abnormal family.

[Sundax]

Is your wife standing by your side on this ?

Only sort of. She is torn. She doesn't like it but isn't really doing anything about it. She goes along with it without resistance. Not sure what she could do about it except not see her sister which I don't believe she is willing to do. That this sister is shallow, stuck-up, condescending, mean and selfish is beside the point.

 

She is of the belief "they're my family and I love them no matter what they do to me." While I am of the belief that everyone, even family, has to deserve love by not treating people meanly. Her mother has even beaten her in the past over a period of 4 years in her teens and she still holds to her view. Like I said, dysfunctional

[Lil Honey]

Well . . . it isn't right that you get alienated from members of her family that you DO get along with.

 

Your SIL sounds like a control freak - and seems to get away with it. She seems to have power over your MIL/FIL and really enjoys it. It wouldn't be easy to knock her off the high horse that she rode in on.

 

I say, "Ignore her to the best of your abilities. Take the high road." One way to do that is to have family get-togethers at YOUR place. Invite her or not, but be sure to let the rest of the family know that they are welcome. Then have a good time with them.

 

Your relationships with others should not hinge on this one woman.

[Sundax]

We tried hosting a holiday party at our house one year. The parents in law accepted. But then a few days later, still before the party, they came up with some BS excuse about why the party couldn't be at our house and that it should be at their house. Found out later that it was all because the SIL demanded it. That caused quite a divide. I raised such a ruckus that hopefully they wouldn't be that blatant again but you never know with these people.

 

Wow, talking about it with objective people really brings to light how messed up these people are. Thanks for the feedback it gives me a sanity check.

[Moose]

Your wife has no right to exclude you.

 

You don't have to allow your wife to go even. You two are married, you are the Husband, you call the shots. If her sister doesn't like it she can find something else to do with her time.

 

Sure it's going to piss your wife off to act this way. But you HAVE to put your foot down. You are to be the head of the household, and you need to get control over it.

[blind_otter]

I think the problem lies with your wife. She hasn't asserted her independence and rights as an independent adult in her family and therefore they continue to treat her like a child. As long as she accepts this, the problem will remain, and you trying to force yourself into the situation will probably cause her to become defensive.

 

My family sounds a lot like hers - very controlling. My sisters are totally subjegated by the whole bizarre family relationship dynamic and tend to attack or turn on any one famiy member that resists. I liken them to the borg: "You will be assimilated."

 

I had to distance myself from my family. I hang out when I choose to and tend to avoid being around them for long periods of time because they make me pissed off.

 

The thing is -- I made that choice. I realized how f***ed up they are, not as individuals necessarily, but all in a group. That weird groupthink/mob rule thing.

 

You do need to assert your rights. When you wife ignores the problem, not only is she allowing herself to be treated like a child, she's allowing them to treat YOU like one, too. That's not fair to you.

[Lil Honey]

We tried hosting a holiday party at our house one year. The parents in law accepted. But then a few days later, still before the party, they came up with some BS excuse about why the party couldn't be at our house and that it should be at their house. Found out later that it was all because the SIL demanded it.

I should think this would cause quite a stir. In this case, your wife should have refused to go to the party, since it was HER family that didn't graciously accept your invitation. IMHO, that's quite a slap in the face.

 

You don't have to allow your wife to go even.

That's pretty funny.

 

I have to agree with the others that the problem lies with you wife. Her family is . . . what? . . . passive-agressive . . . or something to allow a grown daughter to manipulate their lives.

 

I can understand the MIL/FIL not wanting to make waves with one daughter, but they are making them with their SIL (you) by following her commands. Further, your in-laws' actions do not have to be the actions of your wife. Although she is part of their family, she now makes up a larger portion of yours (together with her).

 

I've always viewed my "past family" (the one I grew up with) as a support structure, not as the replacement for my immediate (married) family.

 

I think that you need communication in your marriage (and possibly counseling). You need to tell your wife how hurtful it is when she "sides" (and basically that's what she is doing) with the SIL. If she knows what it does to you and she still does spends too much time with them, she is responsible for knowing and disregarding your feelings. Then, you need to take it another step further (like counseling).

[Sundax]

Ok so in a couple days the young son of the Evil Sister In Law is having a birthday party. Same deal, my wife and kids are invited I am not. Our kids are about the same age, 5 and they like eachother a lot. Should I keep them from going? Is that "asserting my rights" or is that punishing my own son?

[Moose]

Ok so in a couple days the young son of the Evil Sister In Law is having a birthday party. Same deal, my wife and kids are invited I am not. Our kids are about the same age, 5 and they like eachother a lot. Should I keep them from going? Is that "asserting my rights" or is that punishing my own son?

It's not right to force your son to stay home. Let them go, but make it clear to your wife that you're not having this disrespect anymore.

[RecordProducer]

It depends on WHY the sister doesn't like you.

 

1. If she thinks you have no money and her sister could've made a better choice then your wife should ditch her.

 

2. If your sister-in-law's daughter confided in her mother that you molested her then she should ditch you.

 

It can be anything between these two extremes. You didn't mention WHY she hates you and it makes a huge difference. It's one thing when a family disagrees with their member's choice, and another when they demonstratively let their spouse know that they are not invited. There must be a huge reason. If the reason is ridiculous then - yes she should show an attitude like "If he is not invited then I am not coming either."

[Curmudgeon]

Should I ask the wife not to go if I'm not welcome?

 

You shouldn't have to ask. It shoud be a given!

[penkitten]

want a solution, talk to your wife about how it hurts you and disrespects you in front of the kids and then start inviting the entire family to your house for something. once a month sunday bbq, whatever. dont invite the sil. if she shows up anyhow, tell her she can not attend and make your wife back you up on it. once the sil apologizes and wants to act civil, then invite her to them.